Sleeping with Ms. Not Right

[Marquez]

In the last year I improved a lot. From AFC to myself. I met a lot of women, but none of them I felt was the right one. I didn't have sex the last year, but occassionally I needed to prove myself that I could have sex. But when it was clear that I could sleep with the given woman, I didn't want to. This means when they were in my bedroom and said (or showed) that they wanted to sleep with them, I said no, cause it felt wrong. They felt wrong. I believe (and have experienced) that by sex a special bond is formed, and I felt that I don't want to bond with these women.

My questions are:

How do you handle "Ms. Not Right"? (Yes I know I am focusing on the problem).
Do you still sleep with a girl if it is obvious she has more problems than you?
Do women change fundamentally after sex? (I wouldn't, but maybe being feminine makes more "flexible") If yes, does the change last (= is it real)?
Have you ever been in a situation were you only met "next her" women (you felt they are simply not right, some red flags), and if yes, what did you do to change this? Was it due to your own expectations and believe systems or was it pure coincidence, since a lot of "problem childs" live on this planet?
Is meeting a good girl a number game or has it to do with your own believe systems? (I somehow believe that only a few emotional healthy, giving/caring, stable women exist).
If it depends on your believe systems, how did you change those?

 

[PRMoon]

First of all, we're guys and we're entitled to do stupid things when ever we want. If that means sleeping with a chick that has emotional problems and not calling them or blanking them completely, its no big deal. Women don't expect all of us to be prince charming. I know tons and tons of girls who complain about how horrible their boyfriend is to them and how they don't understand why he does this blah blah blah.. It's cause he's a guy! It's what we do! We sleep with who we want to and don't think about the conciquences until later. And you know what? They're still with that same guy. Why? because their women, that's what they do.

Sure hopefully we'll meet a nice girl who we care about and will make us change our ways and we'll take the big leap in the the land of two rings, but don't over analyze why we are the way we are. And forget understanding women either. That's like trying to teach a five year old the principles of thermal dynamics... ain't gonna happen no matter how much information or charts you show to them. They are a perminate enigma as to why they do and act the way they do. You can control who you are and get generalized responses out of them and get an idea of where their soft spots are but hell I know if I give a dog steak he'll love me forever but I still won't know why he crapped on my carpet last week.

The question you have that I will awnser is the last one and yes it is numbers game for finding a girl that is right for you if you're looking for an LTR. That's why I suggest dating as much as possible. Healthy emotional women still exist you just have to weed through the psycho's first.

 

[TesuqueRed]

I'm not sure how to handle all those questions, but it did prompt a few of my own--just tossing this out there.
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To think in terms of and search for "Ms. Right" and those who aren't--that is, "Ms Not Right" sounds like a deeper and more pernicious form of one-itis----yes?

I'm not sure about that interpretation, but I think something like that is going on. Instead of an actual live breathing girl who is your one-itis, you have an ideal one-itis which hasn't been attached to a live breathing girl just yet.

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Can a "wrong" be accomplished in an escalating fashion? You--as you said--went out to prove to yourself that you could bang a chick (ok, not your exact words here...) if you wanted. You even got a number of them to admit to wanting to do it and to be in your room ready for it to happen.

Did the girl know beforehand that she was playing in a game of you proving something to yourself? There's some "usage" going on here whether you banged her or not.

If you got her into your room and then didn't deliver, and she was hoping or expecting it, it makes it sound like a bait-n-switch maneuver was pulled.

This shouldn't read as criticism---I don't care what you do, frankly--but you posed an interesting situation that's got me trying to sort out the moral equivalencies here. I sense something questionable going on and I'm not sure I can untangle it or that I know enough about the situation to untangle it.

You don't bang her because she isn't "Ms. Right", but you played her along as if she was just to prove you could do it---??? It sounds like a crime 9/10's completed, the only thing missing was (as many here would say ) the best part. The game is now meeting--dating--twot-teasing (like prick tease, but only reverse the roles.)
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Anyway, last part.

It may be an issue of INTENT, I suppose.

I would guess that you're in a phase where you're actively not getting into wrong situations and holding out for what is right That can be an important thing to learn how to recognize and handle.

But if you're primed for "Ms. Right" and hypersensitive to anything that shows she isn't "Ms. Right", then holding off from "Ms. Not Right" can cost you a fair amount of flexibility and opportunities.

Such as....many women wouldn't mind sport-fvcks too. They have sexual needs and may be way off from finding "Mr. Right." Some want short, torrid affairs. Some want LTRs but don't know that you're not right for them until 2 months into it--but they're willing to take a chance on it and won't be too bothered moving on later if that's the right thing to do. Others know that they're too young to be looking for "Mr. Right" but want to meet people, enjoy them, fvck them and end it when it's time.

Your "intent" can lead you in either direction. I'm not sure what's right for you. Just something to consider...

 

[trajhenkhet]

Why would one get themselves in a relationship where one had no intrest in the other person?

 

[Starman]

Ive been ina few situations where I slept with a girl and regretted it the next day..

but this sounds like you have some deep issues with committment, trust, and a moral dillemma between your sex urges..and what you've been taught to believe is right/wrong.

The fact that you have gone a whole year without sex ..seems to indicate some kind of fear you have..not wanting to risk anything..for fear of being let down..and being involved with somebody unstable

surely there is a fine line between holding your own..and letting crazy women in your life..but love is all about risk..and learning..you cant play ball unless you pick up the bat

Ive been there man...

 

[( . )( . )]

my god man you seem to be placing a lot of emphasis and emotion on sex thats her job NOT yours.
sex is sex, it feels good for both parties, it ISNT a great big issue.
but if as you say a "special" bond has been formed after you shag then who am i to say anything, personally after maybe 6 months of sex to the one chick i can see that"special bond" you talk about, but definately not after banging her if its only been say under 2 months you have known her.

My questions are:
how do you handle miss not right?

your assuming there is that "special person" for each and every one of us.
I used to do that and its a terrible way of thinking, and not reality.

Do you still sleep with a girl if it is obvious she has more problems than you?

why the hell wouldnt I? as i said sex is sex her problems are eactly that, HER problems not yours.

Do women change fundamentally after sex?

what you mean?, apart from being happy and extremely relaxed and maybe a little touchy feely for a little while.
not really
or do you mean her outlook towards you in the future?
most definately and for the WHOLE LOT BETTER, unless she had a crap time in bed with you or you bored her to sleep.

Have you ever been in a situation were you only met "next her" women (you felt they are simply not right, some red flags), and if yes, what did you do to change this?

all the time mate, and absolutely nothing.

I somehow believe that only a few emotional healthy, giving/caring, stable women exist

your probably right, but why should you let that bother you, EVERYONE male and female have good and bad points, try not to dwell on the bad points. (easier said than done yes).

If it depends on your believe systems, how did you change those?

think less

 

[htemorp]

Ms. Right will come along while you're looking for Ms. Right Now!

 

[Marquez]

Thanks for your input and help. I guess I made perfect trust an prerequisite for sex. The women I met the last year didn't seem trustworthy to me. Actually I was suspicious and looking out for red flags all the time, instead of trusting her. I always found enough flaws.
I realize that I should stop thinking and focusing on problems she might have or really has, have sex (thus showing my trust in her), and see what happens. What you all said I guess.

 

[Marquez]

trajhenkhet says:
Why would one get themselves in a relationship where one had no intrest in the other person?

I didn’t have zero interest. If I had no interest at all, I wouldn’t do something to get to know her better.

AlucardXXVII says:
What I'm saying is this: If you know it won't work out, don't put your peepee in her goohole...UNLESS YOU KNOW YOU CAN STICK IT IN AND BREAK IT OFF(pun intended)

If I know for sure that it won’t work out, I follow your advice. My question aimed at situations where I thought it might work out, but also might not work out, due to a lot of emotional baggage on her side.

Thanks for your warnings.