slap me, I'm an AFC and it's just getting worse

[Finch]

Guys, I really need your help again. I've become such a mess that I wouldn't have imagined I could have become like this 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was on top of my game. I managed to bag a HB 9.0 without any trouble at all. I didn't even have to approach girls because they'd come to me. I mean guys I'm not even that great looking. Given I'm above average, but I'm nothing special. HB 9.0 dumped her boyfriend of 1 year to go to prom with me, and shortly before prom I asked her to be my girlfriend.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months now. We have the most absolute amazing relationship. We have grown so close to each other that she revealed to me that she could see herself married to me in the near future. I mean wow, HB 9.0 wants to marry me? Holy sh*t. That made my year. This girl just doesn't toss out comments like that either. She's very honest and it's the god honest truth. I love this girl so much it's crazy. I love her more than anyone else, and it's not because she's a HB 9.0 (although that does help, lol). It's because she's a perfect match for me. She has exactly every feature that I've ever looked for and dreamed about in a girl. All in one package. It sounds like I'm putting her on a pedestal, I know, but I swear to god she is really these things. I seriously can't come up with one flaw in her personality that I dislike. That's part of my problem.. I've become so attached to her now that I freak out and create little scenarios in my head that she might be cheating on me, flirting with other guys, or becoming uninterested. Starting college hasn't helped either with the plethora of guys hitting on her at all times. Now, since I've become insecure, I've told her that I thought maybe she was losing interest in me or even cheating on me. She laughed and thought it was silly because she apparently just absolutely adores me completely. She told me that she's not even slightly interested in anyone but me. "You're my one and only" she tells me. If I could just show you guys how much she loves me you would be amazed.

So after that I calmed down for a few days. I laughed and thought about how dumb I was. But the problem didn't go away.. It is really difficult to be myself around her because I don't know how to act anymore. I feel confident at times, but most of the time I don't. A lot of it is because I'm insecure about my physical appearance. I'm worried that because I'm not the most muscular guy that she'll leave me for someone better looking. Since I don't feel confident I behave strangely and in return I freak out and think that she thinks I'm being weird and in turn is losing interest. It's such a vicious cycle and I can't stop it! I don't know why.. I mean I'm not a dumb person, but I'm very emotional and I can't help it.

To make matters worse I know of several guys that are interested in her. One of which is friends with my ex girlfriend. My ex has been calling my girlfriend often to hang out. She has called her several times with the guy that is interested in her and they both want her to come out and drink and party. My girlfriend is too polite to be front about it, but she declined nicely. When guys are interested in her she's too nice to bluntly say back off, but she'll give them subtle hints over time suggesting that she's not interested.

Now I'm a total mess. I've been talking to her about my ex saying that I think she's trying to break us up and how worried I am about it. I can't stop screwing things up apparently. She keeps having to reassure me that things are okay and the more she has to do that the more I freak out. I freak out because I know how bad that is.

It's messing me up in all parts of my life. It really shouldn't, because that is stupid, but it's true. I'm so busy worrying about stupid things that I don't have time to focus on things that really matter like school. I should just do my work, but I feel depressed enough to not even attempt it. I don't have the motivation to start it.

My real question to you guys is how do I reclaim my former self? What are some ways that I can easily show my girlfriend that I'm becoming confident again? How can I really become confident? I know that I should work out more and eliminate that aspect of my insecurities, but that's a whole 'nother story. I'm determined to make a change in myself, for me and partly for her. I also kind of want to tell her soon that I have been freaking out, reveal some of my insecurities that I've been freaking out about (she already knows them anyway.. she's a smart girl), and tell her that I'm done freaking out about them because I've realized how stupid it is. I think her understanding what is wrong at the moment might help the situation resolve itself quicker.

Help guys

 

[insidious]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months now. We have the most absolute amazing relationship. We have grown so close to each other that she revealed to me that she could see herself married to me in the near future. I mean wow, HB 9.0 wants to marry me? Holy sh*t. That made my year. This girl just doesn't toss out comments like that either. She's very honest and it's the god honest truth. I love this girl so much it's crazy. I love her more than anyone else, and it's not because she's a HB 9.0 (although that does help, lol). It's because she's a perfect match for me. She has exactly every feature that I've ever looked for and dreamed about in a girl. All in one package. It sounds like I'm putting her on a pedestal, I know, but I swear to god she is really these things. I seriously can't come up with one flaw in her personality that I dislike. That's part of my problem.. I've become so attached to her now that I freak out and create little scenarios in my head that she might be cheating on me, flirting with other guys, or becoming uninterested. Starting college hasn't helped either with the plethora of guys hitting on her at all times. Now, since I've become insecure, I've told her that I thought maybe she was losing interest in me or even cheating on me. She laughed and thought it was silly because she apparently just absolutely adores me completely. She told me that she's not even slightly interested in anyone but me. "You're my one and only" she tells me. If I could just show you guys how much she loves me you would be amazed.

Dude, listen to yourself.

Gather some self-respect and THEN begin the painful journey of self-examination.

 

[flexion_]

You have to be confident - you can't make yourself appear confident. You probably won't listen but here goes...

1) Stop telling her all your feelings.
2) Figure out what is causing your depression.
3) You have oneitis so don't deny it - that is a waste of everyone's time.

 

[JonJack]

You clearly realize that your insecurities are an issue here. However, I'm not too sure whether you realize how destructive it can be.

Since you already know what your problem is, you have just got to beat it into your thick skull. Everytime you start thinking about all these 'negative' thoughts of her cheating on you or her leaving you or her losing interest in you, stop and think for a minute. Ask yourself whether you're being reasonable. Ask yourself if what you're doing is going to be a good reason for her to leave your ass.

Y'know I could be really into a girl and all. I could love her tremendously. But if she keeps on coming back with all her insecurities, it kinda makes me wonder what the hell I have to do to actually convince her that I am really committed to her. I may get sick and tired of her stupid behaviour after a few weeks or months, and then I meet some other girl who isn't as 'freaky' as her. Just to preserve my sanity, I would leave my insecure girlfriend's ass and move on to better pastures.

If you want to give her a reason to leave you, continue being an insecure boy. Realize that you will never ever be able to make the relationship 100% unbreakable. You could always make it close to that. But please don't lower the chances by doing stupid irrational shyt.

And STOP giving excuses. If you think you're not as fit as you should be to 'please' your girl, do something about it man. Let's say she actually dumps you because you aren't exactly fit. Would you all of a sudden try and become fit just so that you can prove to her that you can be and just so that she will take you back? Why take action only when the shyt hits the fan? By then it'll be too late. She would've gotten so sick and repulsed by it that anything else that you do and improve wouldn't make a difference.

Final word. You are destroying your relationship with this girl you 'love' so much. She might seem like she's capable of tolerating your behaviour. But who knows for how long. If you can't control yourself, you better start preparing to lose her.

 

[Triple X]

Jeez guys for f*cks sake stop putting the man down and help him out!!!

I hate this... whenever someone is having trouble in a LTR... the problem? 'You have oneitis, get over it.'



The guy is worried about his girl cheating on him (a very real and legitimate concern in my book)... the solution? 'Get some self respect'. Wow, how helpful.



Finch man I feel for ya... you managed to land the girl of your dreams and things are going great... but you got the constant worry of her leaving you for another man.. as she is a quality girl after all (ie highly desirable)

I don't think you are being 'insecure'. I think you are being realistic. Problem is whenever you got yourself a real HB.. naturally other guys are gonna be hitting on her. Sadly its part of the territory and you have no choice but to deal with it.

And it IS frustrating and annoying... its not a self-respect issue or anything like that... it is a pain in the f*cking a$$ to any man.

I'm not claiming to know the perfect solution here... however what I will say is firstly never let on to her that you are getting jealous (try to hide any feelings of worry/jealousy). If she sees you are insecure about her leaving you she will feel like she has all the power, she will lose attraction and that is when the relationship will really start to decline.

Basically try and appear confident at all times... even if she is talking/flirting with other guys and you feel nothing but pain inside... it is extremely hard but worth it. Telling/showing her your feelings of insecurity will only drive her away, but being confident in these situations will keep her around.

Secondly.. the other thing I suggest is to keep constantly improving yourself so you FEEL super confident, like you are the best man around. I'm not just talking about getting fitter, but improving your looks, game, finances, social life, reading articles on here and elsewhere on how to improve.. whatever it takes to get you supremely confident.

When you FEEL like you are better than any other offer she can get... you will act like it and BELIEVE it. Then you will feel so much more confident when other guys are talking to her because you KNOW you are the best... and she will know it too. Its an unfortunate fact that competition will always be around.. but this will give you the edge.

Hope that helps.

 

[Arioch]

Yeah, some of this seems weird logically. You just need some confidence. Remember, act like you're the sh!t, and you will be the sh!t.

I'm all for giving her credit where credit is due, but it does sound like you're putting her on a pedestal. Remember, you are the prize.

And you do sound like you have a bit of one-itis. The danger of one-itis is that you think this girl is the only woman who will ever love you. Well it's not true! And if you keep thinking she is, things will only get worse. The relationship could go to sh!t, and you won't even realize how bad it is, and you'll keep coming back for more abuse because you think you can't do better.

You are the prize. It is you who chooses to be with her. You don't need to worry about her flirting with other guys, because you know you are better than them.

Get someone else to talk about your insecurities with (real people, not a message board), stop talking to her about them. Vent with people, but be confident with her. You are the great catch.

Maybe you're seeing too much of each other. It can happen. Get some hobbies. Hey, start working out a lot since that seems like something you want to do. Don't start ignoring her, or seeming like you're losing interest, just be like, "Hey, I wish I could hang out but I have to go do this stuff." Have your own life. Don't be that guy who is just always around her.

It really comes down to your feelings of worth. Stop worrying about her leaving you before she leaves you. Yeah, it's messed up. Work on feeling better about yourself now, because it's like 800 times harder if she dumps you and you have to take all this time to not feel worthless in order to get back in the game.

 

[Skydiver43127]

Chill out, you're making a really big deal of the whole thing. Understandable, actually, given the "seeing herself married to you in the future" stuff.

Man, the real issue here is not losing your game - even if you do, you'll get it back eventually.

The problem is you're falling for HER game. Really think hard if you want to be in a solid LTR with this chick. She obviously wants to keep you for herself for a very long period of time, and if you don't want that, break up with her IMMEDIATELY, while you can bring yourself to do it. If you don't mind, just calm down - even if you behave like a complete AFC it will take years for her to even notice it.

 

[frivolousz21]

You clearly realize that your insecurities are an issue here. However, I'm not too sure whether you realize how destructive it can be.

Since you already know what your problem is, you have just got to beat it into your thick skull. Everytime you start thinking about all these 'negative' thoughts of her cheating on you or her leaving you or her losing interest in you, stop and think for a minute. Ask yourself whether you're being reasonable. Ask yourself if what you're doing is going to be a good reason for her to leave your ass.

Y'know I could be really into a girl and all. I could love her tremendously. But if she keeps on coming back with all her insecurities, it kinda makes me wonder what the hell I have to do to actually convince her that I am really committed to her. I may get sick and tired of her stupid behaviour after a few weeks or months, and then I meet some other girl who isn't as 'freaky' as her. Just to preserve my sanity, I would leave my insecure girlfriend's ass and move on to better pastures.

If you want to give her a reason to leave you, continue being an insecure boy. Realize that you will never ever be able to make the relationship 100% unbreakable. You could always make it close to that. But please don't lower the chances by doing stupid irrational shyt.

And STOP giving excuses. If you think you're not as fit as you should be to 'please' your girl, do something about it man. Let's say she actually dumps you because you aren't exactly fit. Would you all of a sudden try and become fit just so that you can prove to her that you can be and just so that she will take you back? Why take action only when the shyt hits the fan? By then it'll be too late. She would've gotten so sick and repulsed by it that anything else that you do and improve wouldn't make a difference.

Final word. You are destroying your relationship with this girl you 'love' so much. She might seem like she's capable of tolerating your behaviour. But who knows for how long. If you can't control yourself, you better start preparing to lose her.




AGAIN JON JACK IS GENIOUS!

FINCH you do NOT have ONE I TIS!

she loves you.


you need to let it GO

chant with me!

LET IT GO


LET IT GO

LET IT GO!

be the man!

 

[frivolousz21]

If you don't mind, just calm down - even if you behave like a complete AFC it will take years for her to even notice it.

this is SO TRUE...her love blinds her

just be a man and she will stay with you for life

believe me..or as long as u want her.

 

[Don 'Ron]

I find it amazing how many guys allow their own psyche to bring them down. Just think: your brain has the power to create an image of any scenario you want, and then your subconsious allows you to think that image is actually happening when it really isn't. It's the same reason why when you play a video game you actually FEEL as though you're part of the action, even though it's nothing more than your fingers guiding some pixels across the screen.

You could just as easily be thinking, "wow - here is this hot chick who other guys are going to obviously want to hit on... and she's with ME!! How lucky am I that she likes ME for who I am!! All these other guys out here think their buff looks, fancy cars and gelled hair are going to get her, but at the end of the day she STILL ends up wanting to be with ME! ME, ME, ME, ME!!

Instead, you've decided to think to yourself, "oh man... here is this hot chick who other guys are going to obviously want to hit on... and she's with... me? How can it be that she likes ME for who I am?!? All these other guys out there have buff looks, fancy cars and gelled hair - there's no way she wants to be with ME at the end of the day! Oh why, why, why, why, WHY?!?"

I have a hot friend right now that could easily be much more than that (she's not religious and I am, so I keep it on a friendship level - but hey! It's always good to have social proof on your arm!) Everytime I go out of town, she'll call or write me and ask me when I'm coming into town so that I can save her from her boredom. This is a girl who has guys hitting on her EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. Whenever I take her out someplace, guys are staring at her left and right, and some of them even go so far as to come up to her - WHILE I'M STANDING NEXT TO HER - and try to ask her out.

And does it bother me? NO! Why? (A) I don't care; and (B) in my mind, I've already decided that I'm the best thing out there for this chick, so there's no need for me to worry about it. If this girl you're seeing is wanting to spend more time with you than anyone else; is not cancelling dates and/or is making plans to go places with you; and is showing you an abundance of love and affection...

THEN THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO TRY AND SABATOGE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP!!

Dude, your girl is hot! Guys are going to try to hit on her - if they weren't, I'd be worried that you have an UGLY girlfriend! So instead of being all upset about these other guys hitting on your girl, be grateful that (A) other guys want your girl - it means you have good taste; and (B) that your girl still comes home to you at the end of the day - it means she wants YOU and ONLY you!!

 

[DonJuanMonk]

The difference between a Don Juan and an AFC is that a true Don Juan started as an AFC and learned through his mistakes. An AFC can be anyone who never learns by his mistakes and keeps doing what he's been doing all his life whether he can pull women (due to him looking cute and paying all of the bills) or he can't pull women (due to him spending all day playing video games.)

 

[guitaronfire411]

Hey, start working out a lot since that seems like something you want to do. Don't start ignoring her, or seeming like you're losing interest, just be like, "Hey, I wish I could hang out but I have to go do this stuff." Have your own life. Don't be that guy who is just always around her.

Excellent advice. You will grow some real balls and won't give a crap as much about her (or any other girl) if you workout regularly (at least 3-4 times a week).

Remember: DON'T TALK, DO IT!

 

[speedo_meme]

man this is a great post......

To add to it, I know this may be anti-DJ, but in this sort of situation would it hurt or help the cause by sitting the girl down and being up front about what you want in the relationship, even if it means bringing up committment?

 

[frivolousz21]

To add to it, I know this may be anti-DJ, but in this sort of situation would it hurt or help the cause by sitting the girl down and being up front about what you want in the relationship, even if it means bringing up committment?

YEs thats FINE...thats called COMMUNICATION!




now dont tell her this on the 2nd date.but if she loves you..this should already be handled

 

[speedo_meme]

well in my case our relationship may be declining, it's good one day, bad the next, and I just don't have answers. I haven't contacted her in 4 days, which is the DJ thing to do......but I think we're close enough to quit playing the games. Sometimes I think you have to talk and be honest, even if the girl has lost interest, at least so you will know the situation and deal with it as it is.

 

[frivolousz21]

I haven't contacted her in 4 days, which is the DJ thing to do..

no no its not..

call her and find out whats up...before u waste more time

 

[Anomalous]

:kick: :box:

 

[Finch]

Everyone, thanks for the awesome advice, with maybe the exception of the first post . Everyone really contributed to something that has really helped me back on my path again.

I've set some priorities in my life that I have lost sight of and I'm working already to achieve these things.

I just got built up so much in worrying that I failed to realize that this girl is with ME over all these other guys that hit on her. That's really a tribute to myself. Not to mention the fact that she loves me so much and we have such a great relationship is because we BOTH care about each other so much and are so much in love.

I talked to her a little bit about what was going on in my life. I also believe that communication is very very important. She had no idea that anything was wrong. She had only noticed that I'd become maybe slightly withdrawn in the past month. I let her know what was bugging me and why. I told her that I had been stressed out about things and it wasn't allowing me to think clearly. Since I wasn't thinking clearly I was worrying about things that I should have not worried about in the first place. I told her that I was done with this.

Just telling her that helped me feel so much better because we're both on the same page now. She knows that I was freaking out, but I'm done now and already I'm changing for the best.

Thanks again for the wonderful advice!

 

[frivolousz21]

Everyone, thanks for the awesome advice, with maybe the exception of the first post . Everyone really contributed to something that has really helped me back on my path again.

I've set some priorities in my life that I have lost sight of and I'm working already to achieve these things.

I just got built up so much in worrying that I failed to realize that this girl is with ME over all these other guys that hit on her. That's really a tribute to myself. Not to mention the fact that she loves me so much and we have such a great relationship is because we BOTH care about each other so much and are so much in love.

I talked to her a little bit about what was going on in my life. I also believe that communication is very very important. She had no idea that anything was wrong. She had only noticed that I'd become maybe slightly withdrawn in the past month. I let her know what was bugging me and why. I told her that I had been stressed out about things and it wasn't allowing me to think clearly. Since I wasn't thinking clearly I was worrying about things that I should have not worried about in the first place. I told her that I was done with this.

Just telling her that helped me feel so much better because we're both on the same page now. She knows that I was freaking out, but I'm done now and already I'm changing for the best.

Thanks again for the wonderful advice!



that is exactly wat i went threw....and when I told her about it...everything got better..adn we were on the same page too..

great job