Silence and distance....even if its your own fault?

Designer Man · Aug 2, 2018

Silenxe and distance seems to work if it's the female who suddenly acts distant for no apparent reason so withdrawing attention is the way to go and not rewarding her bad conduct.

However, if the man continuously messes up and it gets to the point where the female decides she can't live that way and is fed up of the bs. Is silence and distance the solution? Surely it can't work when its the man's behaviour that has caused her to back away?

I believe in buying gifts occasionally to reward good behaviour and I think buying a gift to apologise if incorrect. From the knowledge I have gained, it is to initiate NC and back away but THAT can't be the answer when its the man's fault and wrongdoing that causes the friction. Understandably, these tactics work when its her own doing for reasons that aren't impacted by the male.

What is the solution when its the man's mess up? An apology followed by distance? Give her time to cool down?

She called me tonight and I could feel the distance down the phone. I asked "would you like to do something sometime?" She replied "I can't because I'm working all weekend" I said "Ok, not to worry, hopefully see you soon at some point"
"Alright" she said calmly.

IKO69 · Aug 2, 2018

If you aren't able to get compliance that is your only recourse. Anything else is pandering and you lower yourself in her eyes.

If she cares she'll reach out to you.

wifehunter · Aug 2, 2018

"would you like to do something sometime?" is putting yourself on her turf.

Billtx49 · Aug 2, 2018

Designer Man said:
However, if the man continuously messes up and it gets to the point where the female decides she can't live that way and is fed up

Surely it can't work when its the man's behaviour that has caused her to back away?

What is the solution when its the man's mess up?

She replied "I can't because I'm working all weekend".

What’s the solution if you messed up with this woman? Doing better with your next woman. This one clearly doesn’t want to see you currently. She only calls to see if you’re still hooked on her without her giving up any commitment …

Designer Man · Aug 2, 2018

IKO69 said:
If you aren't able to get compliance that is your only recourse. Anything else is pandering and you lower yourself in her eyes.

If she cares she'll reach out to you.

Well she's been initiated texts the last few days. Is this her way of easing out?

billtx49 said:
What’s the solution if you messed up with this woman? Doing better with your next woman. This one clearly doesn’t want to see you currently. She only calls to see if you’re still hooked on her without her giving up any commitment …

I understand but she is working this weekend and long hours.

I'm just making excuses for her

Soflobro#3 · Aug 2, 2018

Especially if it's your fault. Unless you really did something really ****ed up and i mean something that someone else would look at you and call you a scumbag for, not something small.

Evem then you apologize and pretend like it never happened. That's what ive done in the past and it usually works.

Designer Man · Aug 2, 2018

Ok so I initiate distance from now on but if she texts or calls, do I respond?

Soflobro#3 · Aug 2, 2018

Designer Man said:
Ok so I initiate distance from now on but if she texts or calls, do I respond?

You can but be advised that it's highly probable when she notices you getting distant, her hitting you up could be bait for a chit test.

It's better to be distant because you're busy and or have another woman than to be distant for the sake of pulling her back towards you. With one you have an expectation that you're emotionally attached to, the other is just you're preoccupied.

AriMamba · Aug 2, 2018

I was watching some youtube videos and they were saying if you apologized for anything then the girls loses attraction to you. Do you guys agree? Or is this countered when you apologize and go ghost ?

Billtx49 · Aug 2, 2018

Soflobro#3 said:
You can but be advised that it's highly probable when she notices you getting distant, her hitting you up could be bait for a chit test.

It's better to be distant because you're busy and or have another woman than to be distant for the sake of pulling her back towards you. With one you have an expectation that you're emotionally attached to, the other is just you're preoccupied.

Agree completely, he’s a busy man now, calls not answered and texts maybe replied to next day or three. It’s about creating distance and her thinking he’s moving on. If she gets interested again it happens, if not then on to the next woman…

Soflobro#3 · Aug 2, 2018

AriMamba said:
I was watching some youtube videos and they were saying if you apologized for anything then the girls loses attraction to you. Do you guys agree? Or is this countered when you apologize and go ghost ?

I would say for most of ss members, especially relatively new ones, no don't apologize for chit. If you really think you did something wrong just minimize it, deflect, or pretend it didn't happen. The key is that you don't do it again (if you really were wrong).

Don't admit to chit.

BeExcellent · Aug 2, 2018

Designer Man said:
Silenxe and distance seems to work if it's the female who suddenly acts distant for no apparent reason so withdrawing attention is the way to go and not rewarding her bad conduct.

However, if the man continuously messes up and it gets to the point where the female decides she can't live that way and is fed up of the bs. Is silence and distance the solution? Surely it can't work when its the man's behaviour that has caused her to back away?

I believe in buying gifts occasionally to reward good behaviour and I think buying a gift to apologise if incorrect. From the knowledge I have gained, it is to initiate NC and back away but THAT can't be the answer when its the man's fault and wrongdoing that causes the friction. Understandably, these tactics work when its her own doing for reasons that aren't impacted by the male.

What is the solution when its the man's mess up? An apology followed by distance? Give her time to cool down?

She called me tonight and I could feel the distance down the phone. I asked "would you like to do something sometime?" She replied "I can't because I'm working all weekend" I said "Ok, not to worry, hopefully see you soon at some point"
"Alright" she said calmly.

Advice from the old lady: Warning...Buckle your seat belt.

You have to reclaim your tennis balls here. Asking "would you like to do something sometime" is not the way of a desirable man. That is pandering and weak and desperate. I know that is hard to hear, but somebody has to tell you and I don't mean it in a scathing sort of way. The way the question is phrased indicates that you have nothing better to do than sit around moping until she decides she's willing to see you on her terms. Stop that. It will get you utterly nowhere (as you are seeing.)

The better thing to do is this. If you want to include her then you make plans. If you choose to invite her to join you, that's fine (up to you) but you make plans irrespective of her. Then you invite her along. This is what that looks like:

"Hey (insert chick's name), I'm headed over to see the Screaming Blues band at Joe's Dive Bar on Friday. We're headed over around 8:30. It would be cool if you joined us." You don't say who "we" are. You have other humans you are social with correct? Then you see how she responds. You make it clear that a.) You have plans that are not exclusive to her, b.) she's invited, and c.) you're going out regardless whether she comes along or not. And then whatever she says it's cool. You are already going with your buddies (or alone if you don't have buddies).

If she says "Oh I can't I have work" or "I have to babysit" or "I have to clean the dog's toenails" you say "well that's a shame. It will be lots of fun." and you sign off the conversation. Quit lolly gagging around like a lost puppy waiting for her to say yes. How is the leg humping working for you so far? No good? Okay. Lesson learned. Knock it off and drive on as per the above.

And then you give it some time before you ask her out again. If she says "I can't Friday but Saturday is better" then you have a choice. Either decline (because you are already busy with your busy life) or have something else you are already doing that you might invite her to. Sometimes, depending on the situation, saying you have a date is a good thing. Let her wonder what else you have going on...and HAVE something going on. It might be a date to play bridge with your great aunt. The chick doesn't need to know that (obviously a date with another woman is better but you get my meaning.) Or say simply "I already have plans." If you don't? Make some.

Trust me, @guru1000 does not sit around worrying about some special snowflake chick. Even in a relationship you remain in charge of you and what you are doing.

If she reaches out to you late, wait until morning to respond, or better, until the next afternoon. After all your evenings are busy meeting other women and otherwise being social....Right?

As far as wondering about your past behavioral patterns (which are clearly part of the problem)...you change your behavior. Starting right now, today, immediately. Take your tennis balls and put them right back in your pocket where they belong. Stop whining, stop worrying, stop wondering, stop woulda/shoulda/coulda-ing and regain your place as the man in the relationship. Either she'll get on board or she'll bail. But if she bails she was already gone as it was and so much better you get that over with and get on with it (and learn for next time obviously.) Speak directly, state your intent clearly and move forward. That is all you can do.

It is possible she'll wail and gnash her teeth and moan since you are no longer willing to be her complacent little puppy dog...and that is where you apply silence and distance. You know longer put up with her being in charge of you and the dynamic. You are the man, you do as you please and she either gets with it or she gets lost. And you can't concern yourself with the outcome. If she isn't on board with the manly version of you? Another woman will be. Trust me.

Designer Man · Aug 3, 2018

BeExcellent said:
Advice from the old lady: Warning...Buckle your seat belt.

You have to reclaim your tennis balls here. Asking "would you like to do something sometime" is not the way of a desirable man. That is pandering and weak and desperate. I know that is hard to hear, but somebody has to tell you and I don't mean it in a scathing sort of way. The way the question is phrased indicates that you have nothing better to do than sit around moping until she decides she's willing to see you on her terms. Stop that. It will get you utterly nowhere (as you are seeing.)

The better thing to do is this. If you want to include her then you make plans. If you choose to invite her to join you, that's fine (up to you) but you make plans irrespective of her. Then you invite her along. This is what that looks like:

"Hey (insert chick's name), I'm headed over to see the Screaming Blues band at Joe's Dive Bar on Friday. We're headed over around 8:30. It would be cool if you joined us." You don't say who "we" are. You have other humans you are social with correct? Then you see how she responds. You make it clear that a.) You have plans that are not exclusive to her, b.) she's invited, and c.) you're going out regardless whether she comes along or not. And then whatever she says it's cool. You are already going with your buddies (or alone if you don't have buddies).

If she says "Oh I can't I have work" or "I have to babysit" or "I have to clean the dog's toenails" you say "well that's a shame. It will be lots of fun." and you sign off the conversation. Quit lolly gagging around like a lost puppy waiting for her to say yes. How is the leg humping working for you so far? No good? Okay. Lesson learned. Knock it off and drive on as per the above.

And then you give it some time before you ask her out again. If she says "I can't Friday but Saturday is better" then you have a choice. Either decline (because you are already busy with your busy life) or have something else you are already doing that you might invite her to. Sometimes, depending on the situation, saying you have a date is a good thing. Let her wonder what else you have going on...and HAVE something going on. It might be a date to play bridge with your great aunt. The chick doesn't need to know that (obviously a date with another woman is better but you get my meaning.) Or say simply "I already have plans." If you don't? Make some.

Trust me, @guru1000 does not sit around worrying about some special snowflake chick. Even in a relationship you remain in charge of you and what you are doing.

If she reaches out to you late, wait until morning to respond, or better, until the next afternoon. After all your evenings are busy meeting other women and otherwise being social....Right?

As far as wondering about your past behavioral patterns (which are clearly part of the problem)...you change your behavior. Starting right now, today, immediately. Take your tennis balls and put them right back in your pocket where they belong. Stop whining, stop worrying, stop wondering, stop woulda/shoulda/coulda-ing and regain your place as the man in the relationship. Either she'll get on board or she'll bail. But if she bails she was already gone as it was and so much better you get that over with and get on with it (and learn for next time obviously.) Speak directly, state your intent clearly and move forward. That is all you can do.

It is possible she'll wail and gnash her teeth and moan since you are no longer willing to be her complacent little puppy dog...and that is where you apply silence and distance. You know longer put up with her being in charge of you and the dynamic. You are the man, you do as you please and she either gets with it or she gets lost. And you can't concern yourself with the outcome. If she isn't on board with the manly version of you? Another woman will be. Trust me.

How do you know all this? It's gold.

mrgoodstuff · Aug 3, 2018

BeExcellent said:
Advice from the old lady: Warning...Buckle your seat belt.

You have to reclaim your tennis balls here. Asking "would you like to do something sometime" is not the way of a desirable man. That is pandering and weak and desperate. I know that is hard to hear, but somebody has to tell you and I don't mean it in a scathing sort of way. The way the question is phrased indicates that you have nothing better to do than sit around moping until she decides she's willing to see you on her terms. Stop that. It will get you utterly nowhere (as you are seeing.)

The better thing to do is this. If you want to include her then you make plans. If you choose to invite her to join you, that's fine (up to you) but you make plans irrespective of her. Then you invite her along. This is what that looks like:

"Hey (insert chick's name), I'm headed over to see the Screaming Blues band at Joe's Dive Bar on Friday. We're headed over around 8:30. It would be cool if you joined us." You don't say who "we" are. You have other humans you are social with correct? Then you see how she responds. You make it clear that a.) You have plans that are not exclusive to her, b.) she's invited, and c.) you're going out regardless whether she comes along or not. And then whatever she says it's cool. You are already going with your buddies (or alone if you don't have buddies).

If she says "Oh I can't I have work" or "I have to babysit" or "I have to clean the dog's toenails" you say "well that's a shame. It will be lots of fun." and you sign off the conversation. Quit lolly gagging around like a lost puppy waiting for her to say yes. How is the leg humping working for you so far? No good? Okay. Lesson learned. Knock it off and drive on as per the above.

And then you give it some time before you ask her out again. If she says "I can't Friday but Saturday is better" then you have a choice. Either decline (because you are already busy with your busy life) or have something else you are already doing that you might invite her to. Sometimes, depending on the situation, saying you have a date is a good thing. Let her wonder what else you have going on...and HAVE something going on. It might be a date to play bridge with your great aunt. The chick doesn't need to know that (obviously a date with another woman is better but you get my meaning.) Or say simply "I already have plans." If you don't? Make some.

Trust me, @guru1000 does not sit around worrying about some special snowflake chick. Even in a relationship you remain in charge of you and what you are doing.

If she reaches out to you late, wait until morning to respond, or better, until the next afternoon. After all your evenings are busy meeting other women and otherwise being social....Right?

As far as wondering about your past behavioral patterns (which are clearly part of the problem)...you change your behavior. Starting right now, today, immediately. Take your tennis balls and put them right back in your pocket where they belong. Stop whining, stop worrying, stop wondering, stop woulda/shoulda/coulda-ing and regain your place as the man in the relationship. Either she'll get on board or she'll bail. But if she bails she was already gone as it was and so much better you get that over with and get on with it (and learn for next time obviously.) Speak directly, state your intent clearly and move forward. That is all you can do.

It is possible she'll wail and gnash her teeth and moan since you are no longer willing to be her complacent little puppy dog...and that is where you apply silence and distance. You know longer put up with her being in charge of you and the dynamic. You are the man, you do as you please and she either gets with it or she gets lost. And you can't concern yourself with the outcome. If she isn't on board with the manly version of you? Another woman will be. Trust me.

Awesome advice. If all us here followed this for our lives it would turn around for us and we certainly would not entertain ladies who waste our time.

mrgoodstuff · Aug 3, 2018

Designer Man said:
How do you know all this? It's gold.

My mom's gives great man advice and she's a feminist. She believes if your woman's not putting out it's a huge problem that needs to be corrected. It's usually due to lack of respect.

Designer Man · Aug 3, 2018

mrgoodstuff said:
My mom's gives great man advice and she's a feminist. She believes if your woman's not putting out it's a huge problem that needs to be corrected. It's usually due to lack of respect.

Be excellent is your Mother?

sazc · Aug 3, 2018

mrgoodstuff said:
My mom's gives great man advice and she's a feminist. She believes if your woman's not putting out it's a huge problem that needs to be corrected. It's usually due to lack of respect.

wait @designerman @Designer Man and @ineedanswer30 are all the same person....

https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...ch-in-a-personals-column.249447/#post-2550758

could SS actually be being trolled by the lengthiest poster on SS?

mrgoodstuff · Aug 3, 2018

Designer Man said:
Be excellent is your Mother?

Same mindset. Understand the other side doesn't want her son's jerked around by it. Knows the traps and bull**** that a woman will disrespect you for doing even if she ask.

Designer Man · Aug 3, 2018

sazc said:
wait @designerman @Designer Man and @ineedanswer30 are all the same person....

https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...ch-in-a-personals-column.249447/#post-2550758

could SS actually be being trolled by the lengthiest poster on SS?

I only have one account. I assure you. The IP address will be different

Designer Man · Aug 3, 2018

And I joined in April. No idea who the other designer man is.

Silence and distance....even if its your own fault?

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