Boricua_33015
Master Don Juan
People say that I am "different". Out of the ordinary. Like nobody they have ever met. "Mysterious, intimidating, scary, tough, sexy character, yet very humble, modest, quiet, and keeps to himself". Some people see me as someone who has nothing to prove because I know what I am and don't need to go around flaunting to prove it.
I have those rare days where I am confident, and feeling really good, I can throw people off being spontaneously funny.
First it starts off with my extreme shyness.
Lets say I just walk into a classroom full of highschool kids that are talking, having conversations, joking around; happy and having a good time because they are communicating with each other. Typical of a high school classroom.
Then I walk into the classroom, my shyness kicks in so I put on an emotionless expression on my face. I dont know if this face shows hostility or anything but all of a sudden people become aware that I came in the class and I can feel them getting tense as I walk in the class. Its like I send a great vibe to the people around me or they can all just feel that I am there and my intense nervousness. I keep my emtionless face, making eye contact with some people as I walk to go and sit down at my desk.
After I have made my appearance, its like people match my mood. They become nervous and uneasy; and the girls (even guys) feel tension and intimidation.
Now, I am a BIG person, I look like someone from the WWF or the NFL. I am not FAT. I AM really overweight, but I dont look obese at all, I have a big build and I know I have alot o muscle behind all the fat, and supposedly muscle weighs more than fat.
Sometimes I think girls who feel nervous and intimidated by me start liking me because they feel this tension and get nervous just because I am in there presence. I think they get confused that the vibes I give them are something MORE, like a chemistry, or hidden attraction type thing and think they have some kind of connection with me. Its weird, sometimes girls can "feel" me from far away. I can use this to my advantage but I am too socially inept to have a good conversation with them or with anybody. I dont really converse with them, I just talk to them if I need to and stay focused on what I am doing, like school work. This type of shyness of course raises their interest in me and they would themselves try to make conversation with me. Its amazing what some of these girls would do to get my attention and get me to start talking.
Of course I can use all of this to my advantage but like I said I am too socially inept, I really dont know how to PACE along with people and connect. I can't even really "get into" a conversation, I am interested but I guess my body language and tone of voice shows different. I know that I have to mirror but I am so extremely self conscious that there are no body movements that I do unconsciously. I don't naturally mirror people or match their mood, if I do I am consciously doing it. I dont have any nervous habits like bouncing a leg or nail chewing when I get nervous. Instead, my muscles get tense, sometimes I twitch and sometimes my teeth are clenched and grinding. (no I am not on drugs, just tense and nervous and extremely uncomfortable).
People can't tell what I am thinking about, girls cant tell if I am attracted to them. Sometimes all this makes it hard for me to communicate with people. When I am being funny sometimes I would say something and it would be spontaenously funny or so spontaneously stupid that it is funny. Sometimes I would just kill the moment and then nervously laugh it off, then everybody laughs just to make me feel good.
In a conversation everything I say is on subject but just everything from my body language to the tone of my voice says something completely different, or doesnt match the mood I should be in sometimes showing hostility and I confuse the hell outta people, making them nervous. I am aware that I do these things, but I still cant control it because my nervousness is what causes all of this.
The next few paragraphs are about my ex onitis and these crazy and unusual vibes that I gave off while attraction was going on. But just to let you all know right now that I am happy to say that I have accepted the fact that I dont really have a chance with her anymore and that I have moved on. But still these crazy vibes are very interesting..... read on.
There was this one girl (HB 9) who I didnt really like, moreso didnt like her because I thought I had no chance with her. Soon after I met her, I could tell that she started to like me, so I started liking her. She could like feel me from across our school courtyard. She could spot me from far away in a very crowded area and then shout out my name then come to grab my ass and talk to me. Me and this girl had GREAT chemistry. SHe ALWAYS looked at me. It was almost like I was a magnet for her eyes. She glanced at me every chance she had gotten. Whenever we were close to each other she would look at me from the corner of her eye.
Sometimes I would look deep into her eyes and I could just feel these intense vibes between the both of us. It was all tension, and both of us becoming nervous. Sometimes I would be a distance behind her and as if she had just felt something, had the urge to just turn around because she somehow knew that someone special was behind her.
One time when I was in a car with my old man, he was just driving. I spotted the same girl on the street walking on the sidewalk with her AFC freind some 20 feet ahead of me. At the same time I spotted her it looked like she had this uncontrollable urge to turn 180 degrees and look right at me while I was in the car. Her guy freind was still looking straight ahead. I of course was freaked that she just broke her neck turning her head so damn fast and knew exactly where to look as if she knew that I was in a car that could have been some other random car and I could have been some random person. There was also no reason why she had to look my way, her freind was still looking forward and they didnt need to cross the road either. She just turned around apparently for no reason and our eyes met. I stayed motionless because I was too shocked, I didnt know what to do I wasnt expecting this or anything. Another example of this bizzare "vibe" that I give off.
Anyways that is just one example of a girl who felt an intense shy vibe from me and because she unconsciously mirrored my shyness and nervousness, confused it for being some kind of hidden attraction on her part. Im not a bad looking guy either but I am just so.... big and intimidating that I guess girls think I am an awesome protector and they think I can give them security. I messed up with this girl though because I put her up on the pedestal and really gave her the impression that I was an AFC, but thats a different story.....
I am still trying to figure out why do I give off such an intense vibe. Its more like a shy kind of vibe. It gets people wondering about me. Girls are subconsciously thinking "why is he so quiet, for such a big person, who attracts alot of attention, without even opening his mouth, he shouldnt be this quiet. Then again, he is not really shy, because he talks when he needs to talk and is not afraid to talk, but doesnt make any effort at all to make conversation with anybody. Come to think about it, he looks really good for a big guy. I think Ill go and make conversation with him"
Its like a whole big fvcking mystery. For me and for people who are around me. I dont know what I am doing that is causing these mysterious vibes, and other people are wondering about me because they feeling tense and nervous around me.
I like this mysterious vibe that I give off, but some of the vibes I unconsciously give off are shy and hostile. How do I get rid of hostile and shy vibes? Some people think its a negative vibe that I give off, something dark. I want to give off a "happy vibe". A loving happy vibe, where everyone around me is happy and they can be themselves around me. Of course I have to be funny to have this "happy bubble" and I cannot be nervous. But If I can make myself happy, I can become more funny and I can make everyone around me laugh and be happy! I am not going to lose that "James Bond" sexy vibe. (I don't know how James does it, he is funny, and lighthearted, but at the same time intimidating with his eyes, he can joke around and still be focused and serious about something)
So basically, what I am asking is how can I be happy? There really is nothing going on in my life to be happy about. Right now its even really hard for me to be happy because I am going through some tough times right now.
How do I act happy, without acting over excited. Dont say smile because I really dont like my smile, my smile is a nervous and shy smile. That is the reason why I dont smile much. Because its a cute little kid smile that doesnt match me. Unless someone can tell me a way that I can get rid of a nervous smile and turn it into a relaxed and maybe somewhat evil grin. (yes I know I have alot of problems but please bear with me ok!
)
Another question. How can I be less self conscious. I am starting to miss all my unconscious body movements. When I used to be happy, I used to show that Im happy. When I got into a conversation, I subconsciously showed that I am interested in the conversation. I didnt know it but I did, and other people subconsciously picked up on it, but didnt know it. MY self consciousness and worrying about every inch that I move has got me really buggin and it is hindering my life. On one hand it shows that I can control my body movements, but on the other hand, I am probably uptight or I dont send out subconscious body movements, I cant mirror unless I consciously do it.
Thats all I need help on, for now, until something else in my head comes up that I need to improve on.
I have those rare days where I am confident, and feeling really good, I can throw people off being spontaneously funny.
First it starts off with my extreme shyness.
Lets say I just walk into a classroom full of highschool kids that are talking, having conversations, joking around; happy and having a good time because they are communicating with each other. Typical of a high school classroom.
Then I walk into the classroom, my shyness kicks in so I put on an emotionless expression on my face. I dont know if this face shows hostility or anything but all of a sudden people become aware that I came in the class and I can feel them getting tense as I walk in the class. Its like I send a great vibe to the people around me or they can all just feel that I am there and my intense nervousness. I keep my emtionless face, making eye contact with some people as I walk to go and sit down at my desk.
After I have made my appearance, its like people match my mood. They become nervous and uneasy; and the girls (even guys) feel tension and intimidation.
Now, I am a BIG person, I look like someone from the WWF or the NFL. I am not FAT. I AM really overweight, but I dont look obese at all, I have a big build and I know I have alot o muscle behind all the fat, and supposedly muscle weighs more than fat.
Sometimes I think girls who feel nervous and intimidated by me start liking me because they feel this tension and get nervous just because I am in there presence. I think they get confused that the vibes I give them are something MORE, like a chemistry, or hidden attraction type thing and think they have some kind of connection with me. Its weird, sometimes girls can "feel" me from far away. I can use this to my advantage but I am too socially inept to have a good conversation with them or with anybody. I dont really converse with them, I just talk to them if I need to and stay focused on what I am doing, like school work. This type of shyness of course raises their interest in me and they would themselves try to make conversation with me. Its amazing what some of these girls would do to get my attention and get me to start talking.
Of course I can use all of this to my advantage but like I said I am too socially inept, I really dont know how to PACE along with people and connect. I can't even really "get into" a conversation, I am interested but I guess my body language and tone of voice shows different. I know that I have to mirror but I am so extremely self conscious that there are no body movements that I do unconsciously. I don't naturally mirror people or match their mood, if I do I am consciously doing it. I dont have any nervous habits like bouncing a leg or nail chewing when I get nervous. Instead, my muscles get tense, sometimes I twitch and sometimes my teeth are clenched and grinding. (no I am not on drugs, just tense and nervous and extremely uncomfortable).
People can't tell what I am thinking about, girls cant tell if I am attracted to them. Sometimes all this makes it hard for me to communicate with people. When I am being funny sometimes I would say something and it would be spontaenously funny or so spontaneously stupid that it is funny. Sometimes I would just kill the moment and then nervously laugh it off, then everybody laughs just to make me feel good.
In a conversation everything I say is on subject but just everything from my body language to the tone of my voice says something completely different, or doesnt match the mood I should be in sometimes showing hostility and I confuse the hell outta people, making them nervous. I am aware that I do these things, but I still cant control it because my nervousness is what causes all of this.
The next few paragraphs are about my ex onitis and these crazy and unusual vibes that I gave off while attraction was going on. But just to let you all know right now that I am happy to say that I have accepted the fact that I dont really have a chance with her anymore and that I have moved on. But still these crazy vibes are very interesting..... read on.
There was this one girl (HB 9) who I didnt really like, moreso didnt like her because I thought I had no chance with her. Soon after I met her, I could tell that she started to like me, so I started liking her. She could like feel me from across our school courtyard. She could spot me from far away in a very crowded area and then shout out my name then come to grab my ass and talk to me. Me and this girl had GREAT chemistry. SHe ALWAYS looked at me. It was almost like I was a magnet for her eyes. She glanced at me every chance she had gotten. Whenever we were close to each other she would look at me from the corner of her eye.
Sometimes I would look deep into her eyes and I could just feel these intense vibes between the both of us. It was all tension, and both of us becoming nervous. Sometimes I would be a distance behind her and as if she had just felt something, had the urge to just turn around because she somehow knew that someone special was behind her.
One time when I was in a car with my old man, he was just driving. I spotted the same girl on the street walking on the sidewalk with her AFC freind some 20 feet ahead of me. At the same time I spotted her it looked like she had this uncontrollable urge to turn 180 degrees and look right at me while I was in the car. Her guy freind was still looking straight ahead. I of course was freaked that she just broke her neck turning her head so damn fast and knew exactly where to look as if she knew that I was in a car that could have been some other random car and I could have been some random person. There was also no reason why she had to look my way, her freind was still looking forward and they didnt need to cross the road either. She just turned around apparently for no reason and our eyes met. I stayed motionless because I was too shocked, I didnt know what to do I wasnt expecting this or anything. Another example of this bizzare "vibe" that I give off.
Anyways that is just one example of a girl who felt an intense shy vibe from me and because she unconsciously mirrored my shyness and nervousness, confused it for being some kind of hidden attraction on her part. Im not a bad looking guy either but I am just so.... big and intimidating that I guess girls think I am an awesome protector and they think I can give them security. I messed up with this girl though because I put her up on the pedestal and really gave her the impression that I was an AFC, but thats a different story.....
I am still trying to figure out why do I give off such an intense vibe. Its more like a shy kind of vibe. It gets people wondering about me. Girls are subconsciously thinking "why is he so quiet, for such a big person, who attracts alot of attention, without even opening his mouth, he shouldnt be this quiet. Then again, he is not really shy, because he talks when he needs to talk and is not afraid to talk, but doesnt make any effort at all to make conversation with anybody. Come to think about it, he looks really good for a big guy. I think Ill go and make conversation with him"
Its like a whole big fvcking mystery. For me and for people who are around me. I dont know what I am doing that is causing these mysterious vibes, and other people are wondering about me because they feeling tense and nervous around me.
I like this mysterious vibe that I give off, but some of the vibes I unconsciously give off are shy and hostile. How do I get rid of hostile and shy vibes? Some people think its a negative vibe that I give off, something dark. I want to give off a "happy vibe". A loving happy vibe, where everyone around me is happy and they can be themselves around me. Of course I have to be funny to have this "happy bubble" and I cannot be nervous. But If I can make myself happy, I can become more funny and I can make everyone around me laugh and be happy! I am not going to lose that "James Bond" sexy vibe. (I don't know how James does it, he is funny, and lighthearted, but at the same time intimidating with his eyes, he can joke around and still be focused and serious about something)
So basically, what I am asking is how can I be happy? There really is nothing going on in my life to be happy about. Right now its even really hard for me to be happy because I am going through some tough times right now.
How do I act happy, without acting over excited. Dont say smile because I really dont like my smile, my smile is a nervous and shy smile. That is the reason why I dont smile much. Because its a cute little kid smile that doesnt match me. Unless someone can tell me a way that I can get rid of a nervous smile and turn it into a relaxed and maybe somewhat evil grin. (yes I know I have alot of problems but please bear with me ok!
)Another question. How can I be less self conscious. I am starting to miss all my unconscious body movements. When I used to be happy, I used to show that Im happy. When I got into a conversation, I subconsciously showed that I am interested in the conversation. I didnt know it but I did, and other people subconsciously picked up on it, but didnt know it. MY self consciousness and worrying about every inch that I move has got me really buggin and it is hindering my life. On one hand it shows that I can control my body movements, but on the other hand, I am probably uptight or I dont send out subconscious body movements, I cant mirror unless I consciously do it.
Thats all I need help on, for now, until something else in my head comes up that I need to improve on.
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