Should I stay or should I go?

[TheTraveller]

Hey,

Well, here's the situation: We're both 25, but this is my first relationship. All through highschool and college I had self-confidence issues that I have began to work out.

I started to get into the dating game after a few quick (a few weeks of) relationships. So about 5 months ago I started dating online girls.

I met this girl 5 months (in person after talking 1 week online) ago that I'm in a relationship now with. We hit it off well on our first date, but her looks didn't impress me, but her personality did. We both were virgins and lost our viginity together. This perhaps could have led to an increased level of attachment between us, but I could clearly tell she was into me more than I was into her.

Now after the months went on, we started to see each other more, the parents, etc. and go on two mini vacations. Things go great when we're together.

Here's the part I don't understand and am seeking to get some good responses from the more experienced: Although I have become more attracted to her, looks-wise, I still look at other girls on the streets here in NYC. Sometimes I think why I'm even in a relationship at all, when there are so many girls in this city who are much better looking, and with me and my busy schedule why commit the time to a relationship now?

It feels like I'm too attached to her and her AMAZING personality but her looks still, at times, turn me away doubting myself. She is in love with me and I'd do anything for her if she asked.

So, in your opinions is this enough to drop her now after 5 months and realized I've lost such a great girl in terms of personality and amazing times spent together, in hopes of finding the complete package? I know some of you may say that why didn't you go for the complete package initially? Well, I never had a relationship past 2 months before, and I had to get into the game again. She is not hideous. Just very plain looking and about a 5 on a scale of 10. Sometimes she can look a little more than a 5, sometimes a little less, so I avg at the 5.

Advice?

Thx,
- T

 

[Ace of Flames]

its your call. we cant make that kind of decision for you. if you feel you want to sacrifice love for a pretty face, thats your own choice. if u feel that you wont be truely happy looking at a 5 for the rest of your life, thats another thing to think about. its your life, be a man and take a route.

but by all means, tell us what happens. good luck, i hope u're happy with whatever u decide.

 

[TheTraveller]

true, but does anyone feel that it's ok to keep her along until a better (read: more pretty and same great personality) girl comes along? Or just dump asap to minimize hurt? I really don't know if I can replace her personality. Her looks, for sure I can replace them. Advice?

 

[TheTraveller]

Well when I first met her I was NOT attracted to her.

She kino-d me on the first date, and her nice personality and the kino drew me in. Over the first few dates I became more attracted to her. As we became more intimate and lost virginity I became more attached and perhaps it was due to the losing of virginity. But she seemed just average looks wise to me and who knows how much higher that will be over time.

It seems like I'm throwing everything out just because of a very plain looking face, and chubby body (but the face is much more of a trouble to me that any chubbiness).

 

[coolguy676767]

Dont hang on to her if you plan to get out of the relationship later on, since it is pretty obvious she has more serious implications. Its your decision, we cant tell you whats best for you. My only advice is that if you plan on finding a different girl then dump her now, and if you decide to keep her, then fully commit. Either decision is perfectly fine, but after you decide you have to go with it 120%, you cant do both it is drastically unfair to her and to yourself, if you try to do both.

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by coolguy676767
Dont hang on to her if you plan to get out of the relationship later on, since it is pretty obvious she has more serious implications. Its your decision, we cant tell you whats best for you. My only advice is that if you plan on finding a different girl then dump her now, and if you decide to keep her, then fully commit. Either decision is perfectly fine, but after you decide you have to go with it 120%, you cant do both it is drastically unfair to her and to yourself, if you try to do both.

What's the general opinion of taking a break for a few weeks or a month to see if I really miss my time with her? If I decide to get back then great, if not then it's over.

 

[TheTraveller]

Well, she's average looking. At times, not attractive to me and other times she is. She's short but chubby. That does NOT bother me. Her plain looks, at times, do bother me.

If I met her when I was ready to settle down, then things may be different. But I feel like I need to experience more girls too. Cheating seems simply wrong.

 

[Docs]

Well when I first met her I was NOT attracted to her.

She kino-d me on the first date, and her nice personality and the kino drew me in. Over the first few dates I became more attracted to her. As we became more intimate and lost virginity I became more attached and perhaps it was due to the losing of virginity. But she seemed just average looks wise to me and who knows how much higher that will be over time.

It seems like I'm throwing everything out just because of a very plain looking face, and chubby body (but the face is much more of a trouble to me that any chubbiness).

Who can tell me what the girl's actions seem similar to?
..
..
..
..
How about half of the concepts learnt on this board, used by the majority. A somewhat average girl using KINO and connection drew the guy in. This created attraction.

Take a lesson everyone. This girl, who probably knows nothing of the existance of a dating community, has applied the principal actions to produce the desired reaction. We now have the guy questioning her looks, but is drawn in by her personality.

Study this for a few minutes. Then look at yourselves and study your own technique, take a quick examiniation of how you think you look and how the girls you try to pick up look. I presume that for the majority, the girl is greater. In this case, the case is flipped. (assumingly).

To summarize, this is a perfect example of natural attraction, only this time, it's not the guy that has done it, it's the girl.

This is a wonderful example of natural attraction and the methods used to create and maintain it and she must truly be a great girl if you are in love with her personality.

Don't let a small dent ruin your car, because even with that dent, she still runs good, she still feels comfortable inside and she's yours. You can even try to help in letting her become more attractive to you.

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by Docs
Who can tell me what the girl's actions seem similar to?
..
..
..
..
How about half of the concepts learnt on this board, used by the majority. A somewhat average girl using KINO and connection drew the guy in. This created attraction.

Take a lesson everyone. This girl, who probably knows nothing of the existance of a dating community, has applied the principal actions to produce the desired reaction. We now have the guy questioning her looks, but is drawn in by her personality.

Study this for a few minutes. Then look at yourselves and study your own technique, take a quick examiniation of how you think you look and how the girls you try to pick up look. I presume that for the majority, the girl is greater. In this case, the case is flipped. (assumingly).

To summarize, this is a perfect example of natural attraction, only this time, it's not the guy that has done it, it's the girl.

This is a wonderful example of natural attraction and the methods used to create and maintain it and she must truly be a great girl if you are in love with her personality.

Don't let a small dent ruin your car, because even with that dent, she still runs good, she still feels comfortable inside and she's yours. You can even try to help in letting her become more attractive to you.

That was one of the best posts I've *ever* read on this site!

I believe every word and that's why I'm tied here. I'm tied to the personality and the other part, her looks, leave me wanting something from outside the relationship. Take a break and sample, sample with her still around once a week (aka cheat until i find a better one in terms of the entire package)? What's a guy to do?

 

[Ace of Flames]

i've rethought about this. if u have to question your feelings so much, u have subconciously already decided. u want to try other girls. u just dont want to admit it, and u want to hear that its ok.

you already know what u want, u just want to know if its right. well, thats up to u. whats more important to u, looks or personality? the answer to that question will hold the answer to your bigger problem.

if u choose to stay with and possibly marry this girl, u'll always have the regret that u didnt experiment and try other kinds of girls. if u choose to leave her and possibly lose her forever, u'll always regret that she could've been the one, and all u have now are booty calls and such.

if u wanna know what i would do, i'd try other girls. if u could find a 5 with such a great personality, why cant u find a 9? u've got your whole life ahead of you, no sense in getting tied down now.

even after all our advice, my first post still rings true. its really your decision. we cant sway u either way. whatever u decide will be what favors your best intrests.

good luck.

 

[Docs]

Originally posted by TheTraveller
That was one of the best posts I've *ever* read on this site!

I believe every word and that's why I'm tied here. I'm tied to the personality and the other part, her looks, leave me wanting something from outside the relationship. Take a break and sample, sample with her still around once a week (aka cheat until i find a better one in terms of the entire package)? What's a guy to do?

Thank you.

This is where it comes time to choose a destiny. You can do either of the following.
- Stay with her.
- Cheat.
- Breakup and rebound with a possible girl.
- Breakup and start single all over again.

Truly, I'd take your position in an instant. It's never been sheer beauty for me, so I'd take the personality, but you're different. You have to weigh the pros and cons of each situation and solution you are faced with, how her reaction will be, and yours.

To expand on yours, this is your first relationship. You may have read about the breakup emotions that flood your brain and senses, one-itis they call it here, or for normal people, it's something along the lines of Post-Breakup Emotion, but nothing will prepare you for the real thing.

You have to decide that if you were to become dishonest or to breakup, if you want the incoming and near unavoidable emotion rush that will come, or to see if you and her can see about change.
------
I won't take others words, but the best advice we can give you is to pick what you feel is best for yourself. If you're going to feel impeded by a choice, then it may not be the one for you to chose. No choice is easy to think about, but choosing is final. Take the time to figure out your best course of action, and then never regret moving onwards with your decision without ever coming back.

Just like how the best of friends can have to make the decision of moving on with their lives. The final days, the toll of thinking about it all being over, the preparation of change is overwhelming. Once it's over, and the deed is done, they can't turn back, they keep moving on and let the fondiest of memories fill the void that is left. One day, there will be no void, for it will have become part of yourself, the experiences you have faced, and the experiences and aspirations you hope to undertake will ensure your growth, your happiness and the realization that the best things that you have done, may have been the hardest things to let go.

 

[TheTraveller]

Thanks...

Here's an update: When I hinted that I may need a week to think things over, and hinting at potentially breaking up, she started saying how stuff that I told her about before (me not being in any other relationships, hard time at home growing up), she went a bit mad and started saying how I'm making a wrong decision, that I'm affraid of love and should realize that love isn't always good.

Well, at 5 months, perhaps I'm confused because she's at a much higher state than I. She is in love. I'm not. I just really enjoy spending time with her and her personality. Her looks are ok. Plain. She makes me smile but s3x is routine.

I told her I'd see a therapist, something we both decided on. I can't use the fact that I have a lot of work and studying going on right now, because that is something that I'd have to deal with.

It's just too hard to end it when all seems to be there except for my standard of beautiness. She turns me on but sometimes not enough.

Is it worth giving it another shot? Part of me says yes, part says no.

 

[Docs]

For that, the only answer rests with you. Make yourself happy, one way or another.

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by Docs
For that, the only answer rests with you. Make yourself happy, one way or another.

That's true, I want to be happy and not crazily confused! I'm happy with her as we have fun times together and other times when I see all the hot ladies walking around, the other part of me wants something new, and makes me not happy and not sad, just tired of a relationship. Then I get sad and want to be with my gf, and the cycle continues.

We've been together 5 months and she's way ahead of me on the love scale. Should I play wait and see to finally see if my negative feelings take over or a compromise can be done?

 

[rascal]

have you seen the "40 year old version", its actually a really really good movie but in the movie they made a great point (i think Ferris Beuler said this too).


You're "putting the p ussy on a pedestal". This girl is basically controlling you with sex. This is the only person you had ever slept with so in your mind your thinking "but this girl makes me feel soooooo good".

I advice you, not to confuse love with lust. It sounds like you're not attracted to her, but you just want to get laid. Now i ask you, is this fair to her?

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by rascal
have you seen the "40 year old version", its actually a really really good movie but in the movie they made a great point (i think Ferris Beuler said this too).


You're "putting the p ussy on a pedestal". This girl is basically controlling you with sex. This is the only person you had ever slept with so in your mind your thinking "but this girl makes me feel soooooo good".

I advice you, not to confuse love with lust. It sounds like you're not attracted to her, but you just want to get laid. Now i ask you, is this fair to her?

No, of course not. I thought that my attraction level to her, and thus overall interest level, would surpass say the 75% that it's at now. Because she's at 100% from her side.

I never know if I will pass that 75% IL to match her interest. So is that worth the time when she accepts me totally and unconditionally without being a moody girl at all, which my mind is trying to convince me that I just won't be able to find another girl like that.

Thx.

 

[TheTraveller]

bump...

 

[TheTraveller]

Please advise here, this is the last post I'll write on this, and I appreciate the advice on it.

I was first not at all attracted to her. I just was lonely at the time and wanted a girl to fool around with.

Over time I saw that:
- she is smart: getting her PhD in counselling psych.
- she is a warm, kind person
- she seems to usually be happy
- she is never b1tchy

So I got attached to that, and the first relationship, and the intimacy.

But at the same time, I always had small doubts about wanting to test the field. Yes, if I met her 10 years from now things may be different.

Do you think it is worth losing all those amazing things I saw over time that I listed above, just to test the field, learn more about girls, and get more experience as I'm 25 and this was my first relationship with a girl and intimacy with a girl?

Thx.

 

[Docs]

Originally posted by TheTraveller
Please advise here, this is the last post I'll write on this, and I appreciate the advice on it.

I was first not at all attracted to her. I just was lonely at the time and wanted a girl to fool around with.

Over time I saw that:
- she is smart: getting her PhD in counselling psych.
- she is a warm, kind person
- she seems to usually be happy
- she is never b1tchy

So I got attached to that, and the first relationship, and the intimacy.

But at the same time, I always had small doubts about wanting to test the field. Yes, if I met her 10 years from now things may be different.

Do you think it is worth losing all those amazing things I saw over time that I listed above, just to test the field, learn more about girls, and get more experience as I'm 25 and this was my first relationship with a girl and intimacy with a girl?

Thx.

Love sucks don't it?

Really, it depends. IMO, you've picked a very nice girl for a first relationship. There are a lot worse girls out there (I'm sure you've read about them), and there are some really nice ones, and then there are ones you swear are perfect for you.

To rate the girl on relationship strength, you've hit the top 20%. She's not #1, but she's at least 80% better then the rest. It's all your choice. Experience is good, it really is, but at the same time, this is a decision that is more or less final, and once you make it, it'll be hard to find the 1/5th of the girls that are decent, especially with little experience in the dating field.

However, if you got some good buddies, or you know a few other girls that can show you their friends...it's a good start.

There's no one path that shines, both can be fun and exciting, or turn bad, but whatever you chose, please do it out of your own beliefs and confidences. If you WANT to experience more, then move on. If you WANT to stay in love with her, then don't.

 

[TheTraveller]

Oh yes, I do want to experience more, so I should move on based on that. I live in a city in which there are MANY smart people, many types of people.

Yet, at the same time, I just feel unsure as to whether or not I can meet somebody else who is smart and nice and caring. But with better looks.

Life is an experience and perhaps I need more. The only worry is never being able to find a nice girl again.