YoungNDumb
New Member
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2009
- Messages
- 3
- Reaction score
- 0
So this is about to turn into a very long read and I'm looking for helpful advice.
2 Year relationship, head over heels for her but I pretty much acted like a * * * * to maintain control for a very long time. Half the time I didnt even realize what I was doing, I was so obsessed with not falling into the guy who got chumped freshman year of college that I was super stubborn. At one point I had talked to 2 girls, never cheated legit just talked. I did lie about one and she caught me. Once that happened things started spiraling with more distrust on both sides for no damn reason. I would never cheat on this girl, I was maybe looking for attention? Either way it all climaxed one night when I told her we needed to speak after I broke up with her a week earlier. Before that time whenever we separated I knew we would be back together, but now she was acting differently and drinking alot (Im in college btw). When I went there to talk to her I felt like I was talking to a stranger, we went from arguing to having sex and she passed out... I felt stupid and still like I was laying next to a stranger and bailed while she was sleeping. I thought I would be fine. After 2 days of not talking to her I realized I had totally * * * * ed up and that she was definitely the girl for me, it helped me realize all the things I had done wrong. She was unreceptive and said she hated me.
After about 3 days of being miserable she started to text and call me late at night saying she missed, drunk of course. As this went on we started to talk more often about what happened and she would continue to repeat, "I know we are going to be together but I need space cause I'm so upset with what you've done to me." After a couple of more drunk phone calls I finally called her and said I could no longer speak to her and that I would give her space but I can't wait around as its driving me crazy. She refused to stop contacting me and 2 days later she spent the night and told me how much she missed me.
Finally she said that she wanted us both to speak with other people. I refuse to do that while playing the waiting game. I thought originally I would be okay with it because in the beginning of the relationship for the 1st month we were open as long as we didn't have sex with anyone. After 2 years though my mind has changed and I can't deal with that. I almost had her back but then she read me her text messages. I started to get insecure and said I wanted it back to being official, needed her to stop talking to those guys etc. The next day she changed her mind and said she still needed space. I told her I could not deal with her hooking up with other people (shes not a * * * * * , she just made out with a couple of dudes) and that as * * * * ty as it sounds she had to make choice. 1). Talk to other dudes and know that I want to break off contact 2). Allow me to give her space without hooking up with other guys. She was upset at first but after some talking she understood and said she would stop hooking up with other guys. We spent the day together and things were great, even planned a date.
So I took her on a date today and she was very unemotional. She would walk close and seemed like she wanted to hold my hand and then back off. Finally before I dropped her off I told her I knew what was on her mind and wanted her to talk to me. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and talked more about how much I hurt her. I told her a couple of things:
1) I've not been acting like myself, I'm not perfect and I'm not going to continue to try and impress you.
2) In both of our cases if we were with somebody else and they were doing what we are doing to each other, we would drop them. Yet we can't seem to let go of each other.
3) I'm okay with giving you space, but it's starting to seem like what you are doing is looking for me in other guys.
4) I'm starting to think again that just not talking to each other will be our best bet as its messing with my schoolwork.
5) I understand you're scared I'll go back to being a * * * * but I'm stuck in a dilemma where I have to show you I'm ready to be that person I can be and that you are in love with and I have to give you space.
6) If it were anyone else that did the things you've done, talking to other guys while stringing me along etc. I would be gone already and you know it.
She continued to spray the same things over and over as well.
1) I know we are going to be together.
2) You're not giving me space because I feel like I don't have a choice and I don't want to lose you. (the choices being: If you hook up with other guys I'd like to break all contact or Don't hook up with other guys and lets work it out together with me still leaving you alone when you want) <--Am I being fair here?
3) I'm so so mad at you for what you've done I just don't know if I can forgive you. <-- If she knows we are going to end up together whats stopping her from just forgiving me?
So I started to address the things I had done wrong and focus on how I could make the sacrifices from the past turn into positives in the future. She would not leave the car and so she asked me to continue driving. As the conversation went on there were tears from both sides. When we stopped at our next destination she leaned over and began kissing me. I said that we have 1 more week before school is over that I would like to make it through and that if we are both interested in fixing our relationship, where there are obvious feelings still all over the place for each other, we should really have a talk and bounce ideas off each other how to work stuff out. The rest of the "date / talk" was filled with touching and emotion.
Later that night she began to play a game texting me the way we had started flirting when we originally met. We call it the question game, again it led into topics that people who are dating speak about. Eventually she stopped texting as it was getting late but with no closure. I made some mistakes here...triple texted in under 30 minutes and tried to call before I went to sleep (I had asked earlier if it was okay to do this and she said yes).
She had mentioned wanting to have sex very badly but said she was not ready emotionally as I had opened up a ton of her emotions. All I said was, "We made progress today right?" and she said "Yes". This was before the texting game and how the flirting began to start.
My Problem Areas:
I hate not having closure with a conversation which is very detrimental to giving her space...how the hell do I fix this so that I dont want to call 15 times till she picks up, though I havent done that its how I feel. (Like Favreau from Swingers haha).
Whenever she even gets the slightest notion that I might just walk away and break off contact she comes running back emotionally, but I don't want to use this to my advantage as I feel like its not fair for her.
Tuesday we will be taking a long drive together because she needed help with something and I told her this would be an excellent opportunity for us to bounce ideas off each other on how to make things work easier for both of us without breaking contact or talking to other people.
I feel like everytime we make progress after not seeing me she reverts back (or after getting jealous for no reason) and I have to start from scratch all over again. Something I said today must have struck a decent nerve though because she hadnt kissed me like that since the time I broke contact with her for 2 days and she called me at 5 AM to pick her up because she missed me.
Does the community think that I have done a good job so far or that I should have gone with a NC step and just left it alone so she would come to her senses? I swear I feel like she is right there but she is just scared that I'm going to revert back to being a * * * * . One of the idea's I mentioned was maybe not talking our last week of school before we go on vacation the upcoming weekend, and I asked if she would be okay. She responded by saying she would look to replace me because she hates being alone (guess its her defense mechanism getting attention from other guys?) and that not talking wasn't the answer.
She constantly talks about marriage and children with me, and hasnt stopped since we split up and she asked for space. And I love it because she is absolutely who I want to be with. I feel like her college friends are pushing her to act one way and thats why when we go home things go back to normal and are perfect.
Also, one night when she came over drunk (the night she agreed to get back together and then took it back the next day) she admitted liking another guy. She has never ever lied to me and has been honest with me about everything shes done.
Her head seems to be completely * * * * ed and only when she can put her eyes on me and hear me speak does she go back to normal. I made some mistakes definitely but so has she and I'm tired of always being attacked.
For * * * * sakes look at how much crap I've poured out here, its obvious I need help. Let me get some sound advice guys and gals.
Also someone in another discussion mentioned I should do NC because it sounds like she is phasing me out. In that thread I mentioned that I would wait and see if she was receptive on Tuesday's drive, if I had to start from scratch again I would mention NC till Friday's vacation with her family and see how things went from there.
2 Year relationship, head over heels for her but I pretty much acted like a * * * * to maintain control for a very long time. Half the time I didnt even realize what I was doing, I was so obsessed with not falling into the guy who got chumped freshman year of college that I was super stubborn. At one point I had talked to 2 girls, never cheated legit just talked. I did lie about one and she caught me. Once that happened things started spiraling with more distrust on both sides for no damn reason. I would never cheat on this girl, I was maybe looking for attention? Either way it all climaxed one night when I told her we needed to speak after I broke up with her a week earlier. Before that time whenever we separated I knew we would be back together, but now she was acting differently and drinking alot (Im in college btw). When I went there to talk to her I felt like I was talking to a stranger, we went from arguing to having sex and she passed out... I felt stupid and still like I was laying next to a stranger and bailed while she was sleeping. I thought I would be fine. After 2 days of not talking to her I realized I had totally * * * * ed up and that she was definitely the girl for me, it helped me realize all the things I had done wrong. She was unreceptive and said she hated me.
After about 3 days of being miserable she started to text and call me late at night saying she missed, drunk of course. As this went on we started to talk more often about what happened and she would continue to repeat, "I know we are going to be together but I need space cause I'm so upset with what you've done to me." After a couple of more drunk phone calls I finally called her and said I could no longer speak to her and that I would give her space but I can't wait around as its driving me crazy. She refused to stop contacting me and 2 days later she spent the night and told me how much she missed me.
Finally she said that she wanted us both to speak with other people. I refuse to do that while playing the waiting game. I thought originally I would be okay with it because in the beginning of the relationship for the 1st month we were open as long as we didn't have sex with anyone. After 2 years though my mind has changed and I can't deal with that. I almost had her back but then she read me her text messages. I started to get insecure and said I wanted it back to being official, needed her to stop talking to those guys etc. The next day she changed her mind and said she still needed space. I told her I could not deal with her hooking up with other people (shes not a * * * * * , she just made out with a couple of dudes) and that as * * * * ty as it sounds she had to make choice. 1). Talk to other dudes and know that I want to break off contact 2). Allow me to give her space without hooking up with other guys. She was upset at first but after some talking she understood and said she would stop hooking up with other guys. We spent the day together and things were great, even planned a date.
So I took her on a date today and she was very unemotional. She would walk close and seemed like she wanted to hold my hand and then back off. Finally before I dropped her off I told her I knew what was on her mind and wanted her to talk to me. She said she still didn't know what she wanted and talked more about how much I hurt her. I told her a couple of things:
1) I've not been acting like myself, I'm not perfect and I'm not going to continue to try and impress you.
2) In both of our cases if we were with somebody else and they were doing what we are doing to each other, we would drop them. Yet we can't seem to let go of each other.
3) I'm okay with giving you space, but it's starting to seem like what you are doing is looking for me in other guys.
4) I'm starting to think again that just not talking to each other will be our best bet as its messing with my schoolwork.
5) I understand you're scared I'll go back to being a * * * * but I'm stuck in a dilemma where I have to show you I'm ready to be that person I can be and that you are in love with and I have to give you space.
6) If it were anyone else that did the things you've done, talking to other guys while stringing me along etc. I would be gone already and you know it.
She continued to spray the same things over and over as well.
1) I know we are going to be together.
2) You're not giving me space because I feel like I don't have a choice and I don't want to lose you. (the choices being: If you hook up with other guys I'd like to break all contact or Don't hook up with other guys and lets work it out together with me still leaving you alone when you want) <--Am I being fair here?
3) I'm so so mad at you for what you've done I just don't know if I can forgive you. <-- If she knows we are going to end up together whats stopping her from just forgiving me?
So I started to address the things I had done wrong and focus on how I could make the sacrifices from the past turn into positives in the future. She would not leave the car and so she asked me to continue driving. As the conversation went on there were tears from both sides. When we stopped at our next destination she leaned over and began kissing me. I said that we have 1 more week before school is over that I would like to make it through and that if we are both interested in fixing our relationship, where there are obvious feelings still all over the place for each other, we should really have a talk and bounce ideas off each other how to work stuff out. The rest of the "date / talk" was filled with touching and emotion.
Later that night she began to play a game texting me the way we had started flirting when we originally met. We call it the question game, again it led into topics that people who are dating speak about. Eventually she stopped texting as it was getting late but with no closure. I made some mistakes here...triple texted in under 30 minutes and tried to call before I went to sleep (I had asked earlier if it was okay to do this and she said yes).
She had mentioned wanting to have sex very badly but said she was not ready emotionally as I had opened up a ton of her emotions. All I said was, "We made progress today right?" and she said "Yes". This was before the texting game and how the flirting began to start.
My Problem Areas:
I hate not having closure with a conversation which is very detrimental to giving her space...how the hell do I fix this so that I dont want to call 15 times till she picks up, though I havent done that its how I feel. (Like Favreau from Swingers haha).
Whenever she even gets the slightest notion that I might just walk away and break off contact she comes running back emotionally, but I don't want to use this to my advantage as I feel like its not fair for her.
Tuesday we will be taking a long drive together because she needed help with something and I told her this would be an excellent opportunity for us to bounce ideas off each other on how to make things work easier for both of us without breaking contact or talking to other people.
I feel like everytime we make progress after not seeing me she reverts back (or after getting jealous for no reason) and I have to start from scratch all over again. Something I said today must have struck a decent nerve though because she hadnt kissed me like that since the time I broke contact with her for 2 days and she called me at 5 AM to pick her up because she missed me.
Does the community think that I have done a good job so far or that I should have gone with a NC step and just left it alone so she would come to her senses? I swear I feel like she is right there but she is just scared that I'm going to revert back to being a * * * * . One of the idea's I mentioned was maybe not talking our last week of school before we go on vacation the upcoming weekend, and I asked if she would be okay. She responded by saying she would look to replace me because she hates being alone (guess its her defense mechanism getting attention from other guys?) and that not talking wasn't the answer.
She constantly talks about marriage and children with me, and hasnt stopped since we split up and she asked for space. And I love it because she is absolutely who I want to be with. I feel like her college friends are pushing her to act one way and thats why when we go home things go back to normal and are perfect.
Also, one night when she came over drunk (the night she agreed to get back together and then took it back the next day) she admitted liking another guy. She has never ever lied to me and has been honest with me about everything shes done.
Her head seems to be completely * * * * ed and only when she can put her eyes on me and hear me speak does she go back to normal. I made some mistakes definitely but so has she and I'm tired of always being attacked.
For * * * * sakes look at how much crap I've poured out here, its obvious I need help. Let me get some sound advice guys and gals.
Also someone in another discussion mentioned I should do NC because it sounds like she is phasing me out. In that thread I mentioned that I would wait and see if she was receptive on Tuesday's drive, if I had to start from scratch again I would mention NC till Friday's vacation with her family and see how things went from there.