Should I go out tonight?

[DonJuanNtraining]

Whats up everyone I suffer greatly from approach anxiety and have not had a

girlfriend. I want to be more social and I want to go out tonight, but I keep

feeling like its going to be the same old results; me starting off positive and

soon being stuck on the wall wondering why I am alone and going home alone

again. I want to be be able to just change my personality and just know what to

say to women and how attract them. I don't know what I am doing wrong. It

feels like the worst thing to see someone Im interested in because I get tongue

tied on what to say and can't seem to take that first step as I find every

excuse. I want that alpha male attitude with women. I have it with other things

but with women i hate feeling rejected or looking stupid from saying something

lame.Any suggestions

 

[Night-hawk]

First off, how old are you? ...hrmm

Second, dude, you gotta change your language...if this is your self talk going out no wonder...the way you speak to yourself reflects in your attitude, and, esentially, your vibe.

Anyway,

Relaax. Deep breaths......ok

Let's reframe this.

You are convinced that going out is the best option for you tonight.
Your 'approach anxiety' is simply the feeling of anticipation for the unknown
You already are the coolest, most attractive guy you know, (and how...you wonder is this TRUE...cause you know...it IS) and you want to go out in a social setting to show others this fact.
You are not dependent on any results nor do you have any expectations on outcomes, because it's not a big deal what happens (because you feel GOOD that you took ACTION)
You are a postive guy and you exude confidence and the only time you will be up against a wall is when you feel like leaning back because you choose too (and how cool you LOOK doing it, like 007, but you are to BUSY MINGLING...to even be aware there is a wall), or... because a girl is leaning on you against one
You wonder if anyone you interact with is worth your attention and going home with you, because she will love your company
You are a jungle cat and whoever you have your eyes on you will pounce on and they will be enthralled by your awesome personality.
And you have everything inside of you to attract girls and you know all those wonderful resources will naturally flow when you are out with them.
It's the best thing to see someone and know they will be interested in you, and if they aren't, not a big deal, there are millions of girls in the world to choose from.
You speak to girls with a charm that will want them to tie their tongue around yours, mmm
You are an alpha Lion! king of the social jungle.
Rejection isn't a big deal, all it means is you weeded out another disinteresrted person, and rejection is not a personal thing, just a difference in preferences in likes from person to person, and no matter what you say, or how rediculous it is, you are still the king!
And the next day you are going to wake up feeling GOOD about YOU and the night you had.

Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat these 50 times until its ingrained in you mind...see if that sparks a different feeling going out tonight.

 

[DonJuanNtraining]

Hey I really appreciate the advice and I am going to start doing that I really need the change. I just turned 29 and feel embarrassed I'm this old and going through this. i haven't been with a chick in a long time and its really getting to me. Im going to try and hopefully I will change.

 

[DonJuanNtraining]

I was kinda pumped up now I'm ify. I just want to go out and meet women. I

know the internet thing is probably successful, but I feel like I would be

cheating myself of actually walking up to the person. I want to conquer this

thing. Also, I don't have many friends or friends that go out. And my wingman

if I can call him that doesn't really approach women and somehow he got a

date so I will likely be by myself. Im working right now so I don't know if if I

want to go anymore but I do know I want to be able to approach women and

not care.

 

[Night-hawk]

Man, why are you suggesting he limit himself to internet girls. That's like saying don't bother learning to cook stake, stick with hotdogs.

 

[Night-hawk]

I agree with Epsi there.

However, Fairshake, the internet dating aside... I would say, considering guys in a situation like DJNT, that cultivating a new atttiude is pivital, as he will be going out with a new perspective.

If someone doesn't that have the experience or attiude in handling rejection and unpleasant interactions he may reinforce previous limiting beliefs, like you say. However, he may also use that as a benefitial learning experience.

I would suggest applying yourself to learning, as this will cultivate new ways of looking at things that previously may have been blocking progress.
But, by applying both personal improvement outside of the thing you wish to change and by putting yourserlf in to it, is a better way to progress than to stay away until the RIGHT time...because, really, when is the RIGHT time...

Think about this for a moment...

A kid joins a basketball team. He goes out for a couple practices, meets the team members but still hasn't built much rapport, he is shy. There is a game coming up and he is nervous, he has only really shot around with friends and scrimmaged at neighborhood courts. Come game day, do you think the kid looks at the opposing team and tells himself its too scary, he's not good enough, and he should sit the game out and practice some more. No, the kid goes out and plays...and he starts to make a couple good passes and his team mates applaud him...he makes a couple bad passes and the opposing team scores on him...he shakes it off, cause he has no time to feel sorry for himself...its go go go. He scores some baskets and gets more applause and he starts telling himself that he CAN do this, that it's not so scary afterall...eventually he practices more, plays more games until all of a sudden he wouldn't even recognize that shy kid or was scared to go out and play...and the opposing team he starts to see easy opponents, and can start to read the players and anticipate moves...and all becomes more natural to him.

Now apply this same example to going out by onesself, or with friends, into social settings and around women.

 

[DonJuanNtraining]

I never thought of it like that. I will definitely be rereading this to get me pumped. I didn't go out that night when I first posted this I've been kinda depressed wondering why I'm struggling with this. hopefully the advice that everyone has given me will sink in. I hope I can make some progress its just hard for me to get out and really acknowledge that i am going to go and approach someone that seems like the most awkward thing.

 

[DonJuanNtraining]

I like what you posted and I have to open my eyes to see like that I'm very hard on myself but its seems not hard enough to push me to approach hopefully this will change thanks for the great advice because I need all that I can get.

 

[FairShake]

DJNT you know best what is good for you. All I can say is that I hope you do both...at least.

It's my opinion that the nightclub is not the place for a socially awkward 29 year old who has never had a girlfriend. At least not at first. Skills take time to build. In night clubs, where you are competing for her attention with other guys, her friends, and alcohol you don't have the window to get in the mind of a woman and figure out what makes her tick. This is why I say the internet is better. Less pressure and more of a chance to have longer conversations. See what works and what doesn't.

You also seem very outcome dependent in regards to a successful night out. If you were giving indications that you could go out, have a great time, and NOT get a woman I would be saying have at it. In fact, if you could do that you wouldn't even be here. You would be out enjoying yourself and, sometimes, even getting laid as awkward as you may be sometimes. But I think anxiety plays into your issues and for those with social anxiety throwing yourself into club situations with no back up or other options isn't the recommended course of action. You have to ease yourself into these things.

 

[FairShake]

I think it's GOOD to embrace failure rather than avoid it. Rejection is the best way for a guy to learn and improve. Any guy can CHOOSE to work through repeated rejections and elevate his confidence.

For somebody who may be suffering from social anxiety rejection doesn't motivate. It reinforces. If a guy is anxious about going out already negative experiences tell him "See, this is why you don't go out." Confidence doesn't come with just rejection. It comes from hard work and eventual success. I think that the internet with it's potential for more one-on-one interaction is much better for success for the socially awkward and anxious. I don't think the socially awkward ever truly become the socially smooth but I do know that positive environments that they have more control over help them get past the awkwardness.

Also, in my experience, Internet dating is is just like the clubs in the respect that looks are what matter. No difference there. Women are women. Many of those women who you see in the clubs on weekends are on the Internet.

I think you do find those type of women on the Internet but I also think you find the nice girls, the quiet girls, the open-minded hippies, etc. Those girls are on the Net too but they aren't usually at the club.

 

[Rubirosa]

I think the time is right to share the infamous, no-fail, awkward guy, Rubirosa pickup line for a club from 1986
Here it is :
"Hey, I just asked the DJ to play my favorite song, and if he does, i want to dance with you Ok ?"

This can't fail...........She will always say OK........She might ask what song it is..........She might say "How about right now?"

 

[DonJuanNtraining]

Ill give it a try next time I went out. I went out by myself this weekend it wasn't to bad I didn't meet anyone but Im happy I did something by myself.