She's got a BF, but is falling hard for me....

[kel]

I dont like to steal girls from their guys. Its wrong. So when I met this girl I didn't even try to pull her at all. We hit it off so well though, that it was hard NOT to. anyway. over the course of the last 4 days we've spent a bunch of time together. She's stayed the night, i've stayed the night, we've had sex and we're constantly making out and cuddling. I dont mean to slip into one-itis here (since its not), but I do like her and would like to continue this. The problem is her boyfriend, clearly.

We go to the same school in Baltimore. He goes to school in Albany. She told me yesterday before i left for home that "I've made her the happiest she's been in months" and how she feels horrible that she's going to miss me more than she's going to look forward to seeing her BF. Their relationship has been extremely rocky, so i'm not surprised at this.

I've made it clear to her from the start that I'm removing myself from any of the drama between the two of them. She said that was a good call, and thanked me

I dont know what to make of this. She'll be spending a few days (presumably) with him while she's home over break, which i've accepted. I dont care if she sleeps with him or what-have-you since I know I'm making her happier. I just dont want to be in a situation where I'm getting played.

I dont want to come off as all AFC since I've shown a distinctly DJ personality to her. Perfect amounts of C+F, spontaneity (which is a word i cannot spell...) etc. She's really eating it up too. She has told me how she can't get enough of me and how i've complicated everything. She's said how she's had meaningless one night stands which were no big deal and almost unintentional. I forget what I said about that (but it was very good). Her response that this was "Very much intentional"

The bottom line is, from watching what she says and what she does, she really does care about me. I do like her and would be willing to try a relationship with her, but I refuse to be played. I dont know what the deal with the BF is, but I dont really care. I'm not going to play second fiddle to him and I dont want it to be an issue. I'd like to bring it up or something to let her know it's an issue but I dont want to seem a) needy b) controlling c) other forms of AFC.

Do I just continue on, and hope that proximity and DJ skills pull me through? I dont want to next her just yet, but I'm willing to if need be. I see potential in this one, but like I said, I dont want to sacrifice myself for a relationship....

If that wasn't coherent I appologise. I'm still making sense of this all since it happened so fast. DJ words of wisdom here will be appreciated. And dont just tell me to "next" her and move on.

--Kel

 

[DJDamage]

quote:
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I see potential in this one, but like I said, I dont want to sacrifice myself for a relationship....
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It boggles my mind why do you see potential in this one? check your ego at the door. I always run into guys like you who boast that they got into a relationship with a chick that they were banging while the chick still maintains their current relationship.

You think that the other guy was a loser and you are satisfing her needs and therefore she will not do the same to you as she did to him? YOU ARE WRONG. To me it shows that she has no integrity of having a boyfriend while fvcking a guy on the side.

When and if you become her boyfriend, are you going to think she will not do the same to you? why? because she says she cares about you?!! and you think she didn't run down that story about all the other one night stands she had with other guys???

She is a charmer, a seducer who will tell you exectly what you want to hear, so she can be loved both with her boyfriend and with you (she is having her cake and eating it too). Make no mistake about it that you are still number 2 and you can easily be replaced. Go out with other chicks, leave the attension wh0res alone.

 

[kel]

With total knowledge that it's going to be disregarded as AFC, I can tell you that's not an accurate assessment of the situation.

She's really NOT the charmer type at all either. She's actually really kinda shy and a bit antisocial, which is why I haven't thought that she was just doing what you said.

Does anyone else have advice BESIDES just saying "forget her she's being an attention wh0re"? I'm confident that isn't the situation right now.

 

[Mr. Delicious]

Well just dont be upset when she cheats on you. All its going to take is her to be alone with a guy that has more game, better looks etc than you. Then its all over for her being faithful to you.

 

[Chemistry]

Use this girl...

Fvck her brains out to your desire... as a general rule she does not demonstrate the integrity to have an LTR with IMO... however, there are peoples unhappy in a relationship but who value the security of one so aren't going to end it, or just don't know how to end it... she may be one of those,

On a personal tip, a number of girls with BFs have shown interest in me in the past month, month and a half, and both dropped them BFs a couple weeks later... I put myself out there, tempted them but didn't give them nothin until after they split...

If for whatever reason you 'must' be with this girl, then you need to be supremely confident in yourself on a 'nobodys got **** on me' level so you are convinced that she wouldn't look elsewhere because you're that good...

 

[EpsilonArmati]

It's always the quiet ones you have to look out for. The fact remains that she has not broken up with her boyfriend before doing this; this, at the very least, shows immaturity, and at worst a propensity to cheat.

 

[Grey Fox]

Wait till her relationship "Naturally" fall apart. If she was cheating or willing to chear, don't be stupid and date her. Just hold off and date other women. Just because she is falling for you doesn't mean its love. Women have affairs for two reasons, first get something and then to get caught and move on. Its there little "up yours" to the boyfriend. Now if you want to play the fool and one night have her angry boyfriends headlights barring down on you, or him coming after you with a gun/knife/bat (take your pick) you'll be laying flat on your back hurting wishing you never even seen her. Just walk away, put a point in your win column, NEXT her and find a girl with some good qualities. Seriously, do you want to be hanging with an anti-social girl trying to go out, or do things with your friends. Have fun lugging around a 115 pound weight on your back.

-Grey Fox

 

[JMBM53]

Dude,

I could have written posts almost exactly like yours a few years ago. What I learned...the hard way....is this golden rule. I don't think there are many absolutes in life, but this is one of them. If she cheats on him SHE's GOING to cheat on you. Guarenteed. I'm sure right now you're telling yourself that you have more game then this other guy, or that this is the exception for her and she's only cheating on him because he's so far away, it's a rocky relationship for her etc. but it never works this way. Even if you've got a great connection with this girl the fact is that she once felt the same way for this other guy she's dating. In ALL relationships things get tough from time to time for various reasons. Right now she's showing you how much loyalty she has towards her boyfriends and how you can expect to be treated down the road.

My advice to you is that if you want to enjoy her company then go for it. If it bothers you that you're "playing second fiddle" then not telling her at this point is being AFC. Speaking up for yourself isn't being needy; it's respecting yourself and setting some ground rules for how you expect to be treated. The only catch is, that if you're going to stand up for yourself then you have to be willing to walk away if she won't change things. Look man, I understand when things start off hot and heavy, especially in your first few sexual relationships, that it can be hard to remain objective. Take it from guys who have been through this type of situation before. Enjoy her company for a while if you want, but under no circumstances should you commit to an exclusive relationship with this girl. If you do you will be played.

 

[kel]

JBMB53, your advice really makes a lot of sense to me. Ive already decided from the outset that I'm willing to walk away if need be. i'd rather not, but i'm 100% willing to do so.

She explained to me basically why she was willing to cheat on him as well. He's totally unromantic and there's no fire in their relationship. I dont think that it would be prudent to get into a relationship with her, but I'm just going to let it all work itself out. I needed a bit of the DJ forums Tough Love it seems. I'm still trying to rid myself of the despiration mentality of the AFC and it reared its head. Thats what caused me to even care in the first place. I have no problem f^cking her on the side, even her acting like my quasi-girlfriend, because that's all well and good. I'm not going to stop flirting and chatting up and dating other women, and if she doesn't like that (i dont suspect she'll care too much at the moment) then she has to either be exclusive with ME, or she gets the boot.

I do like her, and really enjoy her company, but its times like these where one-itis starts to bite me in the balls. I need to remind myself that there are other women, plenty of them in fact, who will be attracted to me. And there are enough of them that I'll be attracted to.

I'll keep posting every so often about how this is going, mostly for myself. It helps to write it all out and read it later, and it also helps that when I start going hardcore AFC, y'all catch me and call me on it. There's a huge schism in my mind between DJ and AFC, and its times like these where the AFC really "shines". Thanks for the good advice guys.

--Kel