She seems to be getting cold and mixed messages

[ibew_bro]

Hey guys, I need some advice on how to handle this situation...Its a pretty long story so bare with me because I want you to have all the details...I met a women about 9 years ago after my divorce..She was pretty much a rebound..We had some fun for a while but she at the time just wasnt for me..Actually I was fresh out of my divorce so I dont think anyone was for me at the time because I wasnt ready..Anyway, She fell for me but I didnt for her..So it never went anywhere. Fast forwarding to last year, I get a friend request from her friend..We started talking here and there via facebook and we exchanged numbers.
One day last summer she calls me and says guess who is here? It was the women I dated.. We started talking again..So myself her and her friend met up for a few drinks one night..She looked good! We all talked a while and I exchanged numbers with her once again. She called me and wanted to meet alone. So we met up once toward the end of the summer, had a few drinks and talked a while. Anyway, We kept in touch and planned on meeting again but I suggested getting a bottle and some orange juice and renting a hotel room since it was getting cold out and this Covid crap had everyone sitting outside unless you were vaccinated.. She agreed so we met..Needless to say one thing led to another and you can guess what happened. The time we did talk she told me how crazy about me she was back then and how she would pretty much stalk my facebook page..

Some of the things this women knows about me I was amazed just by keeping tabs.. Anyway, Meeting at hotels every few weeks or so has become a normal routine..We have fun and we keep in touch but I find myself falling for her now unlike the past. The things she says lead me to believe she is to but her actions sometimes show she is and sometimes not and its very hard to figure out.. The other day she text and asked me where she fits in my life and what I mean to her..
I responded, I care about you and would like to pursue more is she want to

..She seemed a little annoyed saying, "You care for me? Thats your answer? I guess i need to know more before I let you know where I am at..So for now we could just have fun..

I replied with, What do you want me to say? I care for you and you are on my mind all the time and I would like to make something out of this if your up for it...

She replied, Im not giving my heart to you to fast like I did in the past..We will see how it goes if your willing...

I replied, I dont expect you to and Im not asking you to but I am willing to give us a shot to see where it goes...

She replied, Last time I wore my heart on my sleeve with you I got dumped..

I replied, Ive been dumped in the past and it sucks I know. But You cant hide your feelings, You can hide them from the other person but not from yourself.. How you feel about someone isnt a choice..If we went threw life afraid of making a move because of past bad experiences we would never move forward and life would suck...

A few days later I called her and asked her what that was all about and she seemed to shy away saying she was only curious and it didnt really mean anything, That she isnt sure what she wants...In my eyes if a women is asking something like that she is asking because she is looking for more. Am I wrong? Is there something Im missing here? It kind of makes me wonder if she is just afraid or if she is playing a game..Back in the day I wasnt attainable and I know that many times drives some women to go crazy for you..

But I have now confessed to her that Im not the same man anymore and that Im looking for more..I didnt ask her for more, I just said in conversation that Im looking for a real relationship now and that I have changed a lot from the past. So its making me wonder if being a changed man who is attainable now kind of killed the attraction she has for me because I am not longer the same challenge. Another thing that has crossed my mind is, Could it be a revenge tactic? Could it be she is trying to get me to fall for her and then dump me..I know I may sound paranoid but with the games that go on these days, I wouldnt be suprised! lol..What do all of u Suave guys out there think I should do? What do you think she is doing?

 

[Old Balls]

I learned that people won't give you a reply to your questions on here when there is more than a few lines of text, so maybe condense your paragraphs to suit the squirrels attention spans. Me included. I stopped reading after 4 sentences. Sorry.

 

[spred]

Hey guys, I need some advice on how to handle this situation...Its a pretty long story so bare with me because I want you to have all the details...I met a women about 9 years ago after my divorce..She was pretty much a rebound..We had some fun for a while but she at the time just wasnt for me..Actually I was fresh out of my divorce so I dont think anyone was for me at the time because I wasnt ready..Anyway, She fell for me but I didnt for her..So it never went anywhere. Fast forwarding to last year, I get a friend request from her friend..We started talking here and there via facebook and we exchanged numbers.
One day last summer she calls me and says guess who is here? It was the women I dated.. We started talking again..So myself her and her friend met up for a few drinks one night..She looked good! We all talked a while and I exchanged numbers with her once again. She called me and wanted to meet alone. So we met up once toward the end of the summer, had a few drinks and talked a while. Anyway, We kept in touch and planned on meeting again but I suggested getting a bottle and some orange juice and renting a hotel room since it was getting cold out and this Covid crap had everyone sitting outside unless you were vaccinated.. She agreed so we met..Needless to say one thing led to another and you can guess what happened. The time we did talk she told me how crazy about me she was back then and how she would pretty much stalk my facebook page..

Some of the things this women knows about me I was amazed just by keeping tabs.. Anyway, Meeting at hotels every few weeks or so has become a normal routine..We have fun and we keep in touch but I find myself falling for her now unlike the past. The things she says lead me to believe she is to but her actions sometimes show she is and sometimes not and its very hard to figure out.. The other day she text and asked me where she fits in my life and what I mean to her..
I responded, I care about you and would like to pursue more is she want to

..She seemed a little annoyed saying, "You care for me? Thats your answer? I guess i need to know more before I let you know where I am at..So for now we could just have fun..

I replied with, What do you want me to say? I care for you and you are on my mind all the time and I would like to make something out of this if your up for it...

She replied, Im not giving my heart to you to fast like I did in the past..We will see how it goes if your willing...

I replied, I dont expect you to and Im not asking you to but I am willing to give us a shot to see where it goes...

She replied, Last time I wore my heart on my sleeve with you I got dumped..

I replied, Ive been dumped in the past and it sucks I know. But You cant hide your feelings, You can hide them from the other person but not from yourself.. How you feel about someone isnt a choice..If we went threw life afraid of making a move because of past bad experiences we would never move forward and life would suck...

A few days later I called her and asked her what that was all about and she seemed to shy away saying she was only curious and it didnt really mean anything, That she isnt sure what she wants...In my eyes if a women is asking something like that she is asking because she is looking for more. Am I wrong? Is there something Im missing here? It kind of makes me wonder if she is just afraid or if she is playing a game..Back in the day I wasnt attainable and I know that many times drives some women to go crazy for you..

But I have now confessed to her that Im not the same man anymore and that Im looking for more..I didnt ask her for more, I just said in conversation that Im looking for a real relationship now and that I have changed a lot from the past. So its making me wonder if being a changed man who is attainable now kind of killed the attraction she has for me because I am not longer the same challenge. Another thing that has crossed my mind is, Could it be a revenge tactic? Could it be she is trying to get me to fall for her and then dump me..I know I may sound paranoid but with the games that go on these days, I wouldnt be suprised! lol..What do all of u Suave guys out there think I should do? What do you think she is doing?

She liked you a lot in the past and you were not available. Now you are not a challenge anymore by telling her you want something serious. She got over you back then, now she only has closure for the initial attraction years ago.
It's not mixed signals now, she is in the process of dropping you and she is letting you go gently.

 

[ibew_bro]

I learned that people won't give you a reply to your questions on here when there is more than a few lines of text, so maybe condense your paragraphs to suit the squirrels attention spans. Me included. I stopped reading after 4 sentences. Sorry.

Well I wanted to give the entire story, If people dont want to read a few lines then they cant be to willing to help a person out...

 

[ibew_bro]

She liked you a lot in the past and you were not available. Now you are not a challenge anymore by telling her you want something serious. She got over you back then, now she only has closure for the initial attraction years ago.
It's not mixed signals now, she is in the process of dropping you and she is letting you go gently.

By still sleeping with me and asking me where I am at?

 

[EyeBRollin]

By still sleeping with me and asking me where I am at?

You vomited your feelings out.

Your response should have been to be coy or make a joke out of it.

“You will fit into my arms well again next Saturday. Meet at X?”

If she presses for a serious answer you go for recon.

Fit into my life? Please be more specific. Are you asking for a title?

 

[Black Widow Void]

She isn’t giving mixed messages. In fact she has provided a perfect roadmap and every piece of her puzzle.

You behaved one way and had her attention. You behaved another way and she withdrew her attention. Her (road map) actions were/are quite revealing.

Do you drink? If so you’ve got the perfect text alibi.

You: “Ever wake up hungover and wonder who hacked your phone? I can’t believe I texted that. You’re absolutely right. We are much more different than I realized. Thanks for putting it straight.”

if she responds, you do not.
I repeat “you do not.”

The “puzzle piece” that she provided is that she stalks your Facebook. Within a few days of your above text, you post a photo of you “and some friends having fun.” Even if it is actually just a female friend, your stalker girl doesn’t have to know that and this will likely give her a reset on her attraction toward you.

 

[ibew_bro]

You vomited your feelings out.

Your response should have been to be coy or make a joke out of it.

“You will fit into my arms well again next Saturday. Meet at X?”

If she presses for a serious answer you go for recon.

Fit into my life? Please be more specific. Are you asking for a title?

Got it! Dont give straight answers..It sucks to have to play these game and at the end of the day is a women worth it if you have to play them? Im 52 years old and never seen games like these..If you like a girl and she liked you it was natural..Its crazy these days

 

[ibew_bro]

She isn’t giving mixed messages. In fact she has provided a perfect roadmap and every piece of her puzzle.

You behaved one way and had her attention. You behaved another way and she withdrew her attention. Her (road map) actions were/are quite revealing.

Do you drink? If so you’ve got the perfect text alibi.

You: “Ever wake up hungover and wonder who hacked your phone? I can’t believe I texted that. You’re absolutely right. We are much more different than I realized. Thanks for putting it straight.”

if she responds, you do not.
I repeat “you do not.”

The “puzzle piece” that she provided is that she stalks your Facebook. Within a few days of your above text, you post a photo of you “and some friends having fun.” Even if it is actually just a female friend, your stalker girl doesn’t have to know that and this will likely give her a reset on her attraction toward you.

Problem is, I didnt only say it on text, We talked last night..So I think the best bet is the next time we get together or talk about this I am just going to tell her that I thought about a lot of things and Im not really interested in anything serious, Im just working on myself this way maybe it turns the power back around..Like I said in another response...Its ridiculous that these games have to be played! Im 52 and I have never seen **** like this before ever! If you like a girl and she like you it just happened naturally..There was no wait to call or ignore the call in order to ignite attraction..I think people got to smart for their own damn good these days! lol

 

[EyeBRollin]

Got it! Dont give straight answers..It sucks to have to play these game and at the end of the day is a women worth it if you have to play them? Im 52 years old and never seen games like these..If you like a girl and she liked you it was natural..Its crazy these days

You have to speak their language. Think- do women ever give straight answers?

The worst you can do for a woman is give them all your answers. She wanted to see where she stood. Your job is not to tell her; it is to find out why she wants to know where she stands. Does she want to promote you to boyfriend? Keep you as a fvck buddy? Demote you to orbiter?

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Different take from my end over here. Look. Nine years ago this woman fell for you. You responded by dumping her. Ouch. Let me repeat OUCH!

Her openness was repaid with rejection and pain.

She is afraid you are going to do a repeat performance and hurt her once again. So she is waffling because she has her guard up. You taught her to have her guard up. Nobody gets back with someone after nine years….NINE years unless they feel something.

If you start saying I just want something casual etc. etc. you will get more mixed signals until she bolts. You guys have history. The problem with history is it can complicate things as you are seeing. She has told you she got her heart broken before. This is the issue.

In a situation like this you are best to lay your cards on the table. Something like this:

“You know what? I can understand why you run hot & cold. It sucks that you got hurt when we were dating last time. I m enjoying my time with you, I am in a much different place now. I care for you & want to see where things go.”

That’s steady without giving away the farm. Do not just withdraw. That will backfire in this case.

My 0.02 cents.

 

[BadBoy89]

I met a women about 9 years ago after my divorce..She was pretty much a rebound..We had some fun for a while but she at the time just wasnt for me.

We have fun and we keep in touch but I find myself falling for her now unlike the past.

Why did you not fall for her 9 years ago, but now you are falling for her? It can't be her looks.

My guess is you are older and your options are limited now, but could be wrong.

 

[Black Widow Void]

@BeExcellent

while your words sound good in theory, this gal’s actions tell an entirely different story. And don’t blame me. I’m just the narrator:

Her actions speak louder than words: “ Act aloof and I’ll obsess over you for years and after obsessing. I’ll sleep with you - no strings attached.
But the minute I think I’ve caught you and you make things too easy and unchallenging, I’ll dry up and loose all physical interest.”

 

[Black Widow Void]

.Its ridiculous that these games have to be played! Im 52 and I have never seen **** like this before ever! If you like a girl and she like you it just happened naturally..There was no wait to call or ignore the call in order to ignite attraction..I think people got to smart for their own damn good these days! lol

Unless your used to picking low hanging fruit, this is the way women are after about 6th grade.

You call it “games.” Truth is; in the dating world, Most men arrive with a checker board while women arrive with a chess board. Our objective should be to understand their game and be the winner.

 

[Clamslammer]

Hey guys, I need some advice on how to handle this situation...Its a pretty long story so bare with me because I want you to have all the details...I met a women about 9 years ago after my divorce..She was pretty much a rebound..We had some fun for a while but she at the time just wasnt for me..Actually I was fresh out of my divorce so I dont think anyone was for me at the time because I wasnt ready..Anyway, She fell for me but I didnt for her..So it never went anywhere. Fast forwarding to last year, I get a friend request from her friend..We started talking here and there via facebook and we exchanged numbers.
One day last summer she calls me and says guess who is here? It was the women I dated.. We started talking again..So myself her and her friend met up for a few drinks one night..She looked good! We all talked a while and I exchanged numbers with her once again. She called me and wanted to meet alone. So we met up once toward the end of the summer, had a few drinks and talked a while. Anyway, We kept in touch and planned on meeting again but I suggested getting a bottle and some orange juice and renting a hotel room since it was getting cold out and this Covid crap had everyone sitting outside unless you were vaccinated.. She agreed so we met..Needless to say one thing led to another and you can guess what happened. The time we did talk she told me how crazy about me she was back then and how she would pretty much stalk my facebook page..

Some of the things this women knows about me I was amazed just by keeping tabs.. Anyway, Meeting at hotels every few weeks or so has become a normal routine..We have fun and we keep in touch but I find myself falling for her now unlike the past. The things she says lead me to believe she is to but her actions sometimes show she is and sometimes not and its very hard to figure out.. The other day she text and asked me where she fits in my life and what I mean to her..
I responded, I care about you and would like to pursue more is she want to

..She seemed a little annoyed saying, "You care for me? Thats your answer? I guess i need to know more before I let you know where I am at..So for now we could just have fun..

I replied with, What do you want me to say? I care for you and you are on my mind all the time and I would like to make something out of this if your up for it...

She replied, Im not giving my heart to you to fast like I did in the past..We will see how it goes if your willing...

I replied, I dont expect you to and Im not asking you to but I am willing to give us a shot to see where it goes...

She replied, Last time I wore my heart on my sleeve with you I got dumped..

I replied, Ive been dumped in the past and it sucks I know. But You cant hide your feelings, You can hide them from the other person but not from yourself.. How you feel about someone isnt a choice..If we went threw life afraid of making a move because of past bad experiences we would never move forward and life would suck...

A few days later I called her and asked her what that was all about and she seemed to shy away saying she was only curious and it didnt really mean anything, That she isnt sure what she wants...In my eyes if a women is asking something like that she is asking because she is looking for more. Am I wrong? Is there something Im missing here? It kind of makes me wonder if she is just afraid or if she is playing a game..Back in the day I wasnt attainable and I know that many times drives some women to go crazy for you..

But I have now confessed to her that Im not the same man anymore and that Im looking for more..I didnt ask her for more, I just said in conversation that Im looking for a real relationship now and that I have changed a lot from the past. So its making me wonder if being a changed man who is attainable now kind of killed the attraction she has for me because I am not longer the same challenge. Another thing that has crossed my mind is, Could it be a revenge tactic? Could it be she is trying to get me to fall for her and then dump me..I know I may sound paranoid but with the games that go on these days, I wouldnt be suprised! lol..What do all of u Suave guys out there think I should do? What do you think she is doing?

Rookie move. Next time a girl asks you a question like...where do we fit or what are we or anything along those lines you always say " what do you mean" matter of fact any time girls ask anything where she is questioning you always ask this question. Let her throw up her feelings on you.

 

[Barrister]

Hey guys, I need some advice on how to handle this situation...Its a pretty long story so bare with me because I want you to have all the details...I met a women about 9 years ago after my divorce..She was pretty much a rebound..We had some fun for a while but she at the time just wasnt for me..Actually I was fresh out of my divorce so I dont think anyone was for me at the time because I wasnt ready..Anyway, She fell for me but I didnt for her..So it never went anywhere. Fast forwarding to last year, I get a friend request from her friend..We started talking here and there via facebook and we exchanged numbers.
One day last summer she calls me and says guess who is here? It was the women I dated.. We started talking again..So myself her and her friend met up for a few drinks one night..She looked good! We all talked a while and I exchanged numbers with her once again. She called me and wanted to meet alone. So we met up once toward the end of the summer, had a few drinks and talked a while. Anyway, We kept in touch and planned on meeting again but I suggested getting a bottle and some orange juice and renting a hotel room since it was getting cold out and this Covid crap had everyone sitting outside unless you were vaccinated.. She agreed so we met..Needless to say one thing led to another and you can guess what happened. The time we did talk she told me how crazy about me she was back then and how she would pretty much stalk my facebook page..

Some of the things this women knows about me I was amazed just by keeping tabs.. Anyway, Meeting at hotels every few weeks or so has become a normal routine..We have fun and we keep in touch but I find myself falling for her now unlike the past. The things she says lead me to believe she is to but her actions sometimes show she is and sometimes not and its very hard to figure out.. The other day she text and asked me where she fits in my life and what I mean to her..
I responded, I care about you and would like to pursue more is she want to

..She seemed a little annoyed saying, "You care for me? Thats your answer? I guess i need to know more before I let you know where I am at..So for now we could just have fun..

I replied with, What do you want me to say? I care for you and you are on my mind all the time and I would like to make something out of this if your up for it...

She replied, Im not giving my heart to you to fast like I did in the past..We will see how it goes if your willing...

I replied, I dont expect you to and Im not asking you to but I am willing to give us a shot to see where it goes...

She replied, Last time I wore my heart on my sleeve with you I got dumped..

I replied, Ive been dumped in the past and it sucks I know. But You cant hide your feelings, You can hide them from the other person but not from yourself.. How you feel about someone isnt a choice..If we went threw life afraid of making a move because of past bad experiences we would never move forward and life would suck...

A few days later I called her and asked her what that was all about and she seemed to shy away saying she was only curious and it didnt really mean anything, That she isnt sure what she wants...In my eyes if a women is asking something like that she is asking because she is looking for more. Am I wrong? Is there something Im missing here? It kind of makes me wonder if she is just afraid or if she is playing a game..Back in the day I wasnt attainable and I know that many times drives some women to go crazy for you..

But I have now confessed to her that Im not the same man anymore and that Im looking for more..I didnt ask her for more, I just said in conversation that Im looking for a real relationship now and that I have changed a lot from the past. So its making me wonder if being a changed man who is attainable now kind of killed the attraction she has for me because I am not longer the same challenge. Another thing that has crossed my mind is, Could it be a revenge tactic? Could it be she is trying to get me to fall for her and then dump me..I know I may sound paranoid but with the games that go on these days, I wouldnt be suprised! lol..What do all of u Suave guys out there think I should do? What do you think she is doing?

Why are you having this type of conversation over text message? Never a good idea - it opens things up to misinterpretation and this is already a tricky conversation to navigate.

Assuming you do care about her, I thought your initial response of "I care about you and want to pursue more" was great under the circumstances (since she asked you over text). However, everything after that was a bad move. When she replied basically with a "that's it?" I would have said "no - let's plan to talk about it next time we are together. How about X place at Y time?" You continuing to try to explain yourself after her "that's it" took you completely out of control and had you swimming upstream. Having that conversation in person gives you far more control.

And while the answers to "just be vague" generally do work for a time, it eventually will lead to them exiting.

 

[BeExcellent]

@BeExcellent

while your words sound good in theory, this gal’s actions tell an entirely different story. And don’t blame me. I’m just the narrator:

Her actions speak louder than words: “ Act aloof and I’ll obsess over you for years and after obsessing. I’ll sleep with you - no strings attached.
But the minute I think I’ve caught you and you make things too easy and unchallenging, I’ll dry up and loose all physical interest.”

She’s skittish and understandably so under the circumstances. There is something to be said for stability. I will not fully invest emotionally unless I feel mutual investment and interest and stability in the interaction. That is what an emotionally healthy woman needs to observe and feel in order to reciprocate and allow herself to be vulnerable which puts her emotionally at risk.

Continuing to yo-yo someone is a path of diminishing returns. Unless you dating super insecure super neurotic women (I.e. not emotionally healthy).

I’ve seen guys try and yo-yo me from time to time. They get the boot in short order. I require a man who is worth my emotional investment and the push/pull crowd (yawn) need not apply.

Now obviously this is news to some degree or other to the player/playboy archetype but I find they stick around when they see they have found a solid potential partner. They drop the games or they get dropped.

It’s a dance in the beginning no doubt but things need to progress mutually for a more meaningful interaction to take root.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Strong wall of text is strong.

Low interest level = #next

 

[Black Widow Void]

She’s skittish and understandably so under the circumstances.

Did the word “skittish” take on a new definition? Or are “skittish” women known for throwing themselves sexually to a man with no stings attached (as the OP’s gal has demonstrated).

It’s a dance in the beginning no doubt but things need to progress mutually for a more meaningful interaction to take root.

Women are typically driven by emotion. To give an example; this isn’t the first time that I’ve called you out for double-standard female bias. And I don’t do this to be combative but instead to highlight your behavior … so the other male members/lurkers can clearly see the example how most women are incapable of non-bias objectivity.

Although you say it’s a dance in the beginning, it’s actually never ending. Our goal is to find a good dancing partner and one that has no objection to the man leading.

 

[Redwolf]

I learned that people won't give you a reply to your questions on here when there is more than a few lines of text, so maybe condense your paragraphs to suit the squirrels attention spans. Me included. I stopped reading after 4 sentences. Sorry.

I agree with this. There is no way I'm reading all that.