She really doesn't get it

[Desdinova]

I'm a bit pissed right now with the gf. I don't think I can really blame her for her view on this situation because she doesn't understand it. Lemme get into a few details...

We ended up getting into a discussion about what I've done with my child with regards to my parents seeing him. My mother was an abusive bytch. She beat the living 5hit out of me and my brother when we were kids. Many times she beat the hell out of us as if we were punching bags, even if we did nothing to invoke her anger. Me and my brother are not fond of her. He's got it easier since he lives in a different province. I live in the same city.

My mother's anger is triggered by the sound of a child crying. Many times as a child, when I was crying my mother would tell me to shut up or I'd 'get it again'. She'd hear a child crying on television and she'd fvcking lose it. Both me and my brother decided to keep our infant children away from her. Neither of us wanted to risk her beating the hell out of a helpless infant solely because they're crying.

There are other risks I was not willing to take (mostly because of a stalker problem) where my mother would not listen to me regarding my wishes when talking to certain people about my personal life. Another issue I have with her is she doesn't respect my personal property. If I loan her something, she will do whatever she wants with it (including defacing it) and she feels that she can come over to my place and dig through my closets, cupboards, etc. I feel as if she has no respect for me.

My thoughts about this are, "If she doesn't take me seriously and doesn't respect my personal property, what's to stop her from beating the crap out of my infant child?" Because of all this, I didn't let my mother interact with my child until the age of three, and there's already been a few times where she's damn near lost it with him.

Now, here's my childless gf. She comes from a decent family which has no history of abuse. She was hit as a child, but not nearly to the extent that I was. She really has no clue what it's like to live in constant fear of getting your head bashed in on a daily basis.

She told me that she doesn't agree with what I did, and she doubts that my mother would do such a thing to my child. She believes that I hurt my child more by keeping him away from my abusive mother than risking him getting beaten up by her. The discussion eventually came to a point where I wanted to drop the subject and get her the fvck out of my house.

This is one of the reasons where I'm drawn to women who were also abused. I can relate to them more on this level than women who've had a good life. This one doesn't understand the intensity and the psychological effect of childhood trauma. She thinks that it's better to 'forgive and forget' than to 'hold a grudge' for the rest of my life. However, forgetting and forgiving doesn't solve anything, and it certainly won't protect a helpless child from getting beaten, shaken, or killed.

She also asked me, "Well, don't you enjoy having the support of your parents?" I never got support from my parents. They were always disappointed with the choices I've made, and the things I've done. I could never approach them with a problem because it would either be my fault, or they'd deny that the problem existed. When I told them I needed glasses, they told me I didn't. When I accidentally broke something and apologized, I got the **** beaten out of me. I had to do everything for myself.

Then she tries to make me feel better by telling me how great I turned out. I wanted to say "fvck you" because nobody should have to have a lousy childhood to turn out great. The only reason I'm as level-headed and sane as I am is because of all the changes I've made to myself, my behavior, my morals, and my goals.

Anyway, that's my rant.

 

[squirrels]

She doesn't sound too bright. She'd better be smoking hot.

 

[Desdinova]

She doesn't sound too bright. She'd better be smoking hot.

Find me a truly bright woman and I'll buy you a Ferrari.

 

[5string]

Forgive and forget? Give me a fvcking break. You are protecting your child. If it were me, I'd cut ties with her altogether, tell her to stay away from me, my child and my house.

There is no excuse for beating the sh!t out of little kids. This behavior is unforgivable in my book.

Sorry Des. I got p!ssed when I read this, but meant what I said.

As for your GF, she can express her opinion but bottom line, she needs to back you 100% on whatever decision you make with your mother, even if she disagrees.

 

[Die Hard]

You're weird...

You're like an Auschwitz survivor staying in contact with the camp commander after the war, even granting him access to your house and your kids...

That's fvcked up, dude!

 

[Desdinova]

You're like an Auschwitz survivor staying in contact with the camp commander after the war, even granting him access to your house and probably to your kids...

The only reason I do so is because she's still married to my dad who actually does occasionally realize when he's being a 5hithead. If my parents were split, I'd have nothing to do with her.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Then she tries to make me feel better by telling me how great I turned out. I wanted to say "fvck you" because nobody should have to have a lousy childhood to turn out great.

This.

Isn't it interesting that we almost expect a person who's dealt with abuse, adversity, tragedy or chronically having had their nose shoved in shít to be a "better person for it"? That's the lazy person's platitude, since you could also argue the opposite from the same perspective - "that guy's a sonuvabîtch because he had it so bad for so long."

In fact you're pretty much derided for having had a good childhood and not having to tough it out like everyone else who had to 'earn' it.

 

[speed dawg]

As for your GF, she can express her opinion but bottom line, she needs to back you 100% on whatever decision you make with your mother, even if she disagrees.

I share 5string's opinion.

Now, why do you keep contact with your mother? My wife's family is this way (some of them).....we have nothing to do with them. I expect more out of family. Everyone has flaws, but at the core, if I feel someone does not want the best for me, then they are dead to me.

 

[PokerStar]

sorta off topic but I had this convo with my buddy the other day..

As a child, I believed that my parents were my protectors, the ones that knew best, and I looked up to them as idols. I went on to say to say that I have a supermom and superdad.

Now that I am older I realize that they were just regular people with regular problems and issues, just like anyone else.

they arent as super as I thought.

 

[Atom Smasher]

This could be a subconsciouse sh!t test on your girlfriend's part.

She's in la-la land about this, however. You might have to just tell her "This is my decision, it is made after careful consideration and experience, case closed. Protection of my child from a DEMONSTRATED and HABITUAL abuser is my only concern. It will not be discussed further."

There are times when a man has to simply put his foot down and say, "This is how it is."

 

[Bible_Belt]

I get the impression that she think she's right because the topic is parenting, and she's a woman.

 

[Desdinova]

Hey Des just stand your ground. She doesn't HAVE to "get it." You feel that your child is best kept distanced from your mother. End of story. Let your GF figure it out for herself. You don't have to provide any reasons or excuses.

You do what you feel is best for your child; nothing else matters. If other people don't get it, fvuck 'em.

Thanks, Espi. That's probably the best way to look at the whole thing. She's not my wife, she's never going to live with me, so she's entitled to that opinion. Every gf I've had who's met my mother sticks up for her in the beginning, but eventually something always causes them to see things the way I do. If she's around long enough, she'll see it too.

 

[Stagger Lee]

Thanks, Espi. That's probably the best way to look at the whole thing. She's not my wife, she's never going to live with me, so she's entitled to that opinion. Every gf I've had who's met my mother sticks up for her in the beginning, but eventually something always causes them to see things the way I do. If she's around long enough, she'll see it too.

That's just like a female to first side with and stick up for every other female. Then when the "mother-in-law" steps on her toes, the mother becomes enemy number one. On the other hand, it is very common for GFs and wives to dislike a guy's mother. Again I think it is mostly contigent on the guy's mother either favoring her son more than her son's girl or the guy's mother has done something else to cross the girl.

I think the bottom line is your girl should have your back and take your side since she's your girl and it's your mother. But a lot of women don't care how your mother treats you, just how she her. Your girl does sound a little naive and dense about the matter though.

 

[squirrels]

Find me a truly bright woman and I'll buy you a Ferrari.

I could...but by the time I found one, if I had invested all of the time I spent LOOKING instead on WORKING, I could probably have bought one myself.

I think you've got it right...you don't want your kid hanging around your abusive mother. End-of-discussion. If she can't understand why, that's not your problem,.

 

[DJDamage]

I get the impression that she think she's right because the topic is parenting, and she's a woman.

I cannot stand how every woman thinks she is a gawed damn expert psychologist (that's why they are addicted to watching the Dr Phil show) and try to fix everyone's problems (mostly men) yet the problems in their own lives tend to be a tangled mess.

The discussion eventually came to a point where I wanted to drop the subject and get her the fvck out of my house.

Next time put your foot down Des. A woman needs to know that some topics in her man's life are none of her business especially those that don't concern her relationship with you.

 

[sodbuster]

just tell her" I've made up my mind and if it comes up again,we're done" Do you want a woman who thinks she knows better than you do in an area where you have more experience? Wait till she starts telling you what you are doing wrong on the job.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

This is one of the reasons where I'm drawn to women who were also abused. I can relate to them more on this level than women who've had a good life. This one doesn't understand the intensity and the psychological effect of childhood trauma. She thinks that it's better to 'forgive and forget' than to 'hold a grudge' for the rest of my life. However, forgetting and forgiving doesn't solve anything, and it certainly won't protect a helpless child from getting beaten, shaken, or killed.

My first girlfriend was clueless when it came to matters of abuse. She was spoiled in a sense and didn't understand why it bugged the sh!t out of me and made me angry whenever she hit me hard. Even if you're playing, years of getting chairs thrown at you, having yourself thrown against a wall, open handed slapped in the face for not doing something fast enough, that shi!t stays with you.

A lot of women have no sense of humility. This is one of the reasons I'm drawn to my current girlfriend so much. We talk about these things, she applies what she doesn't want to go through again, and she GETS IT.

Maybe if I wasn't abused I wouldn't be drawn to someone who understands. I dunno.


Edit: Des, I probably would have told her to GTFO. You're a better man than me.

 

[HariPoter13]

There's only one question that comes to my mind. Why didn't you beat the hell outta her? I know for sure that I'd seek vengeance.

 

[Colossus]

I agree with Espi. It's not her problem. She can have her opinion, but bottom line is he's your son and 100% your responsibility. Her opinion is irrelevant.

Many, if not most women think they know what's best for everyone else's kids. I think you guys have been together long enough now that she is starting to feel like her input on parenting carries some weight.