She is driving me nuts. Need some advice

[Blacksheep]

That was the same girl I've made a post of intense feelings. I would like to point some stuffs here that damn, its making me feel really sad and mad.

1 - Everytime we are discussing something, and I ask her something she NEVERRRR answer me directly. Her answers seems to be subjective almost all the times and I have to keep repeating the answer until she answer it.

2 - It seems she make some little games to test my feelings. Sometimes I say good morning to her and I also say "I love you" and she just reply "Good morning" and no "I love you too". I seems silly, but I really thing this small gesture is important to show that someone just fcking care.

3 - When we have fights most of times she is using the phrase: "I thought about broke up", "You're losing me doing that", or similar phrases about breaking up.

4 - It seems I'm the only one making a huge effort to spend free time with her. Today I asked her which time we would see each other. She started to gave a lot of excuses to date at night. Knowing that our time on weekends are limited and at night she always become asleep and we don't enjoy as much. She told she had some stuffs from work to do, then she wants to sleep a bit. But damn, she stays in another town the whole weekend. And those job stuffs she have time to do that for sure. She can do it on sunday when she arrive at this town.

5 - A girl called me, I told her and she asked me to call her back. I called her back, told I was dating and asked her to not call me anymore. Also blocked that girl anywhere without the need of her asking me. Now, a guy texted her, she saw me. I asked her: "What are you going to do about it?" - she asked me back: "What do you want me to do?" - I replied: "I wanna hear from you?". Then she just said: "I will just ignore him.". So basically I made a huge effort to make her feel secure blocking that other girl, and showing my worry for her. And she just gonna ignore him. Then I have to ask why is she not blocking him too... When I ask that to her, she say that she is gonna do that then. But I have to fckinggg say it. She is unable to demonstrate any decency that she cares about the relationship.

6 - I found out she always erase her instagram history. Asked her and she doesnt gave me any relative answer. I also found out some 2 guys just appeared on her instagram. And I found out that its possible to delete notifications. One of the guys had a tattoo studio on this town she lives on weekend. I asked her, and she said she doesnt know this guy (this was after she deleting guys on her instagram as we agreed to not allow such a thing on social media). I thought this profile just reactivated but then I saw that base on the date that profile post stuffs, it wasnt possible. So how the fck that appeared there? And its weird she doesnt know that guy since when she cleaned her instagram she told me that she only left people she knew. The same as me, she can ask me about everyone on my IG, I can tell where I know which of the people I have there, that are few.

This is starting to consuming me on a very negative way. I know I'm on a very bad position here in this relationship cause it seems I'm the one who have more feelings and it seems she is playing with that. It's like gaslighting. The person do some subtle things to mess with your emotions, when you feel bad you are the one losing your mind.

I would appreciate any advice. I'm at one step of breaking up with her, but I still question myself if I'm making some mistake.

 

[Stoic]

Hi Op, the truth is that relationships only work well when the women likes the man more than the man likes the woman.

There is no stability in your relationship because she is not as committed to you as you are to her. I doubt that will change. She has to be at least a little afraid of fu$%ing up and losing you.

I would recommend just being a little more distant, a little less affectionate since your efforts have not been reciprocated and see what happens.

Do your thing for a little bit. Get in to your hobbies and hang out with your buddies. It sounds like you have 1itis.

Best of luck man.

 

[Blacksheep]

Hi Op, the truth is that relationships only work well when the women likes the man more than the man likes the woman.

There is no stability in your relationship because she is not as committed to you as you are to her. I doubt that will change. She has to be at least a little afraid of fu$%ing up and losing you.

I would recommend just being a little more distant, a little less affectionate since your efforts have not been reciprocated and see what happens.

Do your thing for a little bit. Get in to your hobbies and hang out with your buddies. It sounds like you have 1itis.

Best of luck man.

Thanks for your feedback. Good points.

I'm really trying to be more distant, the fact is that as I really have feelings for her its quit difficult. Maybe I will have to stop liking her that much to be able to do that. This is actually happening, since those behaviors are really hurting me.

Is that wrong want to spend my free time with someone I care? I plan all my stuffs on time I know I wont be with her, even resting or doing job stuffs. Cause I know that on weekends if I tell her I will play games with friends and I will hang out with her only at night she wont like it. She said that about her ex. That he used to play videogames with friends and didn't prioritize her.

Now that I'm putting her as priority, she is doing that sh1t. Tomorrow we will have only some 3 hours to spend before she went to her town. So on saturday is the best day to spend a quality time together. Am I wrong of having this desire?

I truly value quality time with people I love and care about. She was becoming this person to me. But damn, she is playing with my emotions and I'm even getting tired of trying to talk to her about it.

At least now I can see my value and understand that there is a lot of other women that can be better on those aspects.

And yes, I started to fall into 1itis, and it seems I need to get out of it fast.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Sounds like you gave exclusivity to a girl that was not worthy of it. You know what you have to do bro.

 

[Blacksheep]

Sounds like you gave exclusivity to a girl that was not worthy of it. You know what you have to do bro.

It seems this is true =/

 

[BillyPilgrim]

^^No you do not have to stop liking her, simply learn self-control.

We can't control who we like but we can control how we behave and react to our liking someone.

Again, it's about self-respect and self-control.

Are you familiar with the "act as if" approach?

It means, although you really like her and want a relationship/exclusively, when she's not responding or reciprocating, you "act as if" you don't want those things, distance yourself and do your own thing.

Be strong and detach from any outcome. good or bad.

Act "as if" you're not bothered by it, you have options and abundance, you do not need her attention or approval for you to feel worthy and whole.

THAT is the covert message you want to send. That you do not need her.

In order to create and maintain her attraction, you should be a man she looks up to, admires and respects.

A man who WILL walk away when she doesn't respond to you in a way that is acceptable to YOU.. Creating a dynamic wherein she's afraid to lose you is a winning dynamic.

You have agency here, apply that agency to your own best interests.

That's how you earn a woman's respect, loyalty and eventually love if that's your goal.

By the way, I'm female in case you weren't aware.

All the best.

OP, this is good *long term* advice but doesn't have much practicality to your situation. What the poster here is describing takes time and effort,

In the mean time, distance yourself from this person. Cut her off completely in your mind if you have to. Whatever drastic measures you have taken in the past to extricate yourself from such situations, take them now.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Lol, that is exactly what I just said.

Acting "as if" is a way for him to do just that. After awhile, he won't have to "act," it will become second nature to walk away and distance himself.



This applies to both immediate and long term goals.

Not short term. Would you care to share your innumerable experiences as a man dealing with women?

You don't act "as if" you don't want a relationship with this woman. You act "as if" this person doesn't exist whatsoever.

Nor is there any "maintaining her attraction". There is no *her* at all anymore.

Big difference.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

@catsmeow2 , your keyboard jockeying is about as sensible as a cat walking across a keyboard.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You are way more invested in her than she is into you. You think the answer is to try and do more stuff for her to show her you are invested but all this does is make her even less invested because now she knows she has you even more than before.

You need to pull back a lot and let her start coming to you. At this point she may have lost interest tho

 

[Blacksheep]

^^No you do not have to stop liking her, simply learn self-control.

We can't control who we like but we can control how we behave and react to our liking someone.

Again, it's about self-respect and self-control.

Are you familiar with the "act as if" approach?

It means, although you really like her and want a relationship/exclusively, when she's not responding or reciprocating, you "act as if" you don't want those things, distance yourself and do your own thing.

Be strong and detach from any outcome. good or bad.

Act "as if" you're not bothered by it, you have options and abundance, you do not need her attention or approval for you to feel worthy and whole.

THAT is the covert message you want to send. That you do not need her.

In order to create and maintain her attraction, you should be a man she looks up to, admires and respects.

A man who WILL walk away when she doesn't respond to you in a way that is acceptable to YOU.. Creating a dynamic wherein she's afraid to lose you is a winning dynamic.

You have agency here, apply that agency to your own best interests.

That's how you earn a woman's respect, loyalty and eventually love if that's your goal.

By the way, I'm female in case you weren't aware.

All the best.

Those are good points. And I can remember some situations where I was dating someone and I was in that position. The one who doesnt care so much. Those were the times where women show the highest interest.

I would really enjoy a genuine relationship where I didnt have to play those games. But it seems its not the reality.

I can see that she have some insecurities and when I react on a neutral way in some situations she makes some drama.

If its not too late, maybe doing this thing of "act as if" could help me balance that.

Thanks for your feedback!

 

[Blacksheep]

OP, this is good *long term* advice but doesn't have much practicality to your situation. What the poster here is describing takes time and effort,

In the mean time, distance yourself from this person. Cut her off completely in your mind if you have to. Whatever drastic measures you have taken in the past to extricate yourself from such situations, take them now.

Yes, I'm gonna do that to see how it goes. It's difficult when we really likes someone, but if it doesnt get to a balance I will break up.

When we have a discussion, she is already talking about losing her, or breaking up. I'm becoming more assertive and was clear that whenever she came with those topics again, its over for me. And I will keep my word on that if that happens again.

I'm not happy at all with that. I truly believe in genuine interest on relationships and I think when both are equally commited, it shoudl not have any effort or drama games to make it works.

 

[Blacksheep]

You are way more invested in her than she is into you. You think the answer is to try and do more stuff for her to show her you are invested but all this does is make her even less invested because now she knows she has you even more than before.

You need to pull back a lot and let her start coming to you. At this point she may have lost interest tho

Thanks for your feedback.

That's true. I will pull back for now on, and mostly because some of her behaviors really hurt me. The thing is that probably I won't like her the same way before. And I know the game will change, cause I saw it happening before. Same patterns.

She is already not showing that much interest on having sex.

She used to say stuff like: "If we live together, it would be so good to wake up and have sex every day."

Yesterday I heard from her: "I don't know if we would be able to have sex every day if we lived together in the future, I can't handle it."

In my opinion, those things she says seem to be some games to test my reaction.

But to be honest, I'm not the one losing anything on that. I have more self-value than before, and if she starts to refuse sex or show her feelings, I will for sure dump her and look for another woman that doesn't do that.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Despite what your family , society , tv shows and the movies tell you investing your emotional stability into a woman is a terrible decision

This is because women are very emotionally unstable and struggle to cope with their own emotions let alone yours

You starting to see the problem here ?

When men invest too deeply into women it usually ends horribly because most women love emotional rollercoaster rides and men just want stability

All of a sudden men get dragged into trying to "please her" but whatever you do it is never enough

this is the stage you are at now.

 

[bmp2cpm]

Blacksheep, It totally sucks, but a man can never have a successful relationship with a woman who he has insane, intense feelings for.

As Stoic points out, successful relationships occur where the woman has intense feelings for the man. Obviously, the woman has to bring certain things to the table for the man to want to be in a relationship. For me, my wife has amazing social skills, great domestic skills (cleans./organizes), and I consider her very sexy. I would have never pursued her, but she gave me insane indicators of interest. I'm very happy with my wife. The marriage works because my feelings for her do not affect my ability to lead. I'm not afraid to say no to her.

A man cannot lead a woman he has intense feelings for. In fact, women are disgusted by men that have intense feelings for them because women want a leader. This is biology.

Remember that every guy has been where you are right now. You will figure out what you need to do.

Hang in there and best of luck!!

 

[Blacksheep]

She has narcissistic traits. She doesn't like you at all. You are showing too much vulnerability and she doesn't respect you for that, to the extent she is capable of respect. Dump her.

Had a proof of that this week. She broke up with me, I stopped talking to her. She came back calling me. The momento I was vulnerable and wanted to get back she just walk away. Even deleted my name on her Instagram bio and we scheduled to talk yesterday but she found an excuse and stopped talking to me.

I should have broke up with her earlier.

 

[Blacksheep]

You dodged a bullet. Like I said, she has narcissistic traits.

Yep, and Im ended up feeling like trash. Feeling like she played with me, messed with my emotions until I lost control.

Doing that, she just discarded. And when I go NC she start to text me. Whenever I answer she cut down contact and get in silence.

This is confusing and evil.

 

[Davidlima]

That was the same girl I've made a post of intense feelings. I would like to point some stuffs here that damn, its making me feel really sad and mad.

1 - Everytime we are discussing something, and I ask her something she NEVERRRR answer me directly. Her answers seems to be subjective almost all the times and I have to keep repeating the answer until she answer it.

2 - It seems she make some little games to test my feelings. Sometimes I say good morning to her and I also say "I love you" and she just reply "Good morning" and no "I love you too". I seems silly, but I really thing this small gesture is important to show that someone just fcking care.

3 - When we have fights most of times she is using the phrase: "I thought about broke up", "You're losing me doing that", or similar phrases about breaking up.

4 - It seems I'm the only one making a huge effort to spend free time with her. Today I asked her which time we would see each other. She started to gave a lot of excuses to date at night. Knowing that our time on weekends are limited and at night she always become asleep and we don't enjoy as much. She told she had some stuffs from work to do, then she wants to sleep a bit. But damn, she stays in another town the whole weekend. And those job stuffs she have time to do that for sure. She can do it on sunday when she arrive at this town.

5 - A girl called me, I told her and she asked me to call her back. I called her back, told I was dating and asked her to not call me anymore. Also blocked that girl anywhere without the need of her asking me. Now, a guy texted her, she saw me. I asked her: "What are you going to do about it?" - she asked me back: "What do you want me to do?" - I replied: "I wanna hear from you?". Then she just said: "I will just ignore him.". So basically I made a huge effort to make her feel secure blocking that other girl, and showing my worry for her. And she just gonna ignore him. Then I have to ask why is she not blocking him too... When I ask that to her, she say that she is gonna do that then. But I have to fckinggg say it. She is unable to demonstrate any decency that she cares about the relationship.

6 - I found out she always erase her instagram history. Asked her and she doesnt gave me any relative answer. I also found out some 2 guys just appeared on her instagram. And I found out that its possible to delete notifications. One of the guys had a tattoo studio on this town she lives on weekend. I asked her, and she said she doesnt know this guy (this was after she deleting guys on her instagram as we agreed to not allow such a thing on social media). I thought this profile just reactivated but then I saw that base on the date that profile post stuffs, it wasnt possible. So how the fck that appeared there? And its weird she doesnt know that guy since when she cleaned her instagram she told me that she only left people she knew. The same as me, she can ask me about everyone on my IG, I can tell where I know which of the people I have there, that are few.

Isso está começando a me consumir de uma forma muito negativa. Eu sei que estou em uma posição muito ruim aqui neste relacionamento porque parece que sou eu quem tem mais sentimentos e parece que ela está brincando com isso. É como a iluminação a gás. A pessoa faz algumas coisas sutis para mexer com suas emoções, quando você se sente mal é você que está perdendo a cabeça.

Eu agradeceria qualquer conselho. Estou a um passo de terminar com ela, mas ainda me questiono se estou cometendo algum erro.
[/CITAR]
eI'm thinking the woman in the relationship is you, not her.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

That was the same girl I've made a post of intense feelings. I would like to point some stuffs here that damn, its making me feel really sad and mad.

1 - Everytime we are discussing something, and I ask her something she NEVERRRR answer me directly. Her answers seems to be subjective almost all the times and I have to keep repeating the answer until she answer it.

2 - It seems she make some little games to test my feelings. Sometimes I say good morning to her and I also say "I love you" and she just reply "Good morning" and no "I love you too". I seems silly, but I really thing this small gesture is important to show that someone just fcking care.

3 - When we have fights most of times she is using the phrase: "I thought about broke up", "You're losing me doing that", or similar phrases about breaking up.

4 - It seems I'm the only one making a huge effort to spend free time with her. Today I asked her which time we would see each other. She started to gave a lot of excuses to date at night. Knowing that our time on weekends are limited and at night she always become asleep and we don't enjoy as much. She told she had some stuffs from work to do, then she wants to sleep a bit. But damn, she stays in another town the whole weekend. And those job stuffs she have time to do that for sure. She can do it on sunday when she arrive at this town.

5 - A girl called me, I told her and she asked me to call her back. I called her back, told I was dating and asked her to not call me anymore. Also blocked that girl anywhere without the need of her asking me. Now, a guy texted her, she saw me. I asked her: "What are you going to do about it?" - she asked me back: "What do you want me to do?" - I replied: "I wanna hear from you?". Then she just said: "I will just ignore him.". So basically I made a huge effort to make her feel secure blocking that other girl, and showing my worry for her. And she just gonna ignore him. Then I have to ask why is she not blocking him too... When I ask that to her, she say that she is gonna do that then. But I have to fckinggg say it. She is unable to demonstrate any decency that she cares about the relationship.

6 - I found out she always erase her instagram history. Asked her and she doesnt gave me any relative answer. I also found out some 2 guys just appeared on her instagram. And I found out that its possible to delete notifications. One of the guys had a tattoo studio on this town she lives on weekend. I asked her, and she said she doesnt know this guy (this was after she deleting guys on her instagram as we agreed to not allow such a thing on social media). I thought this profile just reactivated but then I saw that base on the date that profile post stuffs, it wasnt possible. So how the fck that appeared there? And its weird she doesnt know that guy since when she cleaned her instagram she told me that she only left people she knew. The same as me, she can ask me about everyone on my IG, I can tell where I know which of the people I have there, that are few.

This is starting to consuming me on a very negative way. I know I'm on a very bad position here in this relationship cause it seems I'm the one who have more feelings and it seems she is playing with that. It's like gaslighting. The person do some subtle things to mess with your emotions, when you feel bad you are the one losing your mind.

I would appreciate any advice. I'm at one step of breaking up with her, but I still question myself if I'm making some mistake.

I was in a similar situation in a past relationship. It drove me nuts!

I don't know if you are willing to go through with this bit of advice but it's the best I can give.

Break up with her. She's not worth this and this relationship is going to eat away at you.

It's easier said that done but I believe this relationship is going to drag you down to a place you don't want to go and I'm getting the picture that you two are going to break up with each at some point anyways.

I think you need to ask yourself honestly.... Do you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life?

Do you want to be with a girl that does not value you for the rest of your life?

That's your answer.

 

[CaptFinnBad]

Yep, and Im ended up feeling like trash. Feeling like she played with me, messed with my emotions until I lost control.

Doing that, she just discarded. And when I go NC she start to text me. Whenever I answer she cut down contact and get in silence.

This is confusing and evil.

Good! Hurts like **** brother, but at least now that nut job of your ex isn't in your way **** blocking you from meeting women that will actually value you !

Stay strong.

 

[Blacksheep]

I was in a similar situation in a past relationship. It drove me nuts!

I don't know if you are willing to go through with this bit of advice but it's the best I can give.

Break up with her. She's not worth this and this relationship is going to eat away at you.

It's easier said that done but I believe this relationship is going to drag you down to a place you don't want to go and I'm getting the picture that you two are going to break up with each at some point anyways.

I think you need to ask yourself honestly.... Do you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life?

Do you want to be with a girl that does not value you for the rest of your life?

That's your answer.

That makes a lot of sense man! And I have to be strong and keep my word and wont come back.

The only thing that sabotages me is that I always think I might be wrong and its all in my head. That I'm the one causing all those problems to sabotage the relationship