She cancelled my REM concert

[Oscar Wilde]

Ok, now I'm slightly miffed... here's the deal:

-=-=-=-

Girl gets 2 REM tix for this Wednesday (tomorrow) - offers one to her friend who doesn't really like 'em, but says she'll go anyway.

Girl meets me and spends 2 weeks as unofficial GF, hanging out all the time.

Girl offers me other REM ticket since she knows I'm a fan (and going to see them in another country in 2 weeks anyway). Says other girl wasn't that interested.

Girl, one day before the concert and I have planned to go, says:

Oops, I just asked X about the REM ticket and she wants to go, so I'm
afraid I don't have the spare one for you as I thought, sorry about that.
When are you going to see them in Xland?

I say:

Ah well, these things happen. Can't be greedy now, can I?

.

-=-=-=-

But in actual fact, I'm a bit pissed off cos I had changed plans to go. I don't mind missing the concert itself cos I'll see them soon, but it's that she left it so late. When I replied to this I was thinking of the recent thread in tips about "Nothing I can't handle" - I didn't want to seem like it bothered me.

This is Nicky who I've mentioned in a couple of posts before btw.

Now I've also been invited to a friends party on this Saturday, and I know that my (female) friends sister is gonna be there. She's hot & great personality & if I were single I'd be jumping on the opportunity to try my case with her, but as-is, I feel like that would be unfair to Nicky as we do have an unofficial thing going on.

I haven't told her about the invitation (just got it this morning). I could bring her... thing is, I know for sure that the other girl knows I'm interested in her, so don't know how that whole thing will work out, but I definitely want to try hook up with her sometime, she's really cool. So what excuse do I use with Nicky so I get a free Saturday night to do what I like? Or should I bother going? I don't really care either way.

Right now I like Nicky, I'm very comfortable hanging out with her, she's got a "no worries" attitude similar to my own. She's introduced me to loads of her friends and they assume we're official bf/gf (we never spoke about it).

Any advice maestros?
Oscar.

 

[Anson]

Don't lie about your feelings. If you don't accept something women do, then tell them that you don't accept it. The tip - "nothing you can't handle" - doesn't mean that you should take crap from people. On the contrary; the fact that you can deal with crap shows that there really IS nothing you can't handle. Unfortunately, you don't seem to know how to deal with crap. If she does a lame-ass thing like that, you make her know that you don't like what she is doing. Instead you gave her an AFC reply. Not cool man, not cool at all. Now she thinks she can push you around as she wishes.

And if it's unofficial, there is nothing wrong with you HANGING AROUND with other girls. For heaven's sakes, it's just hanging around! And while it's still unofficial with the other girl, I really don't see the moral dilemma here. SHE is also more interrested in going to concerts with her friends rather than you, so she really doesn't propably see you as her current one-and-only boyfriend who rocks her world...

So simply, stop being such a nice guy. Do what you want to do, NOT what you think she might want you to do. And if people (like Nicky or whatever her name was) will stop liking you because of that (which she shouldn't do after doing such lame-ass things with you with the concert thing), then... well, like they say: it's nothing you can't handle

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by Anson
Instead you gave her an AFC reply. Not cool man, not cool at all. Now she thinks she can push you around as she wishes.

So simply, stop being such a nice guy. Do what you want to do, NOT what you think she might want you to do. And if people (like Nicky or whatever her name was) will stop liking you because of that (which she shouldn't do after doing such lame-ass things with you with the concert thing), then... well, like they say: it's nothing you can't handle

I didn't think that was so AFC - interesting how perspective on these matters is so different when one is involved.

I don't think she thinks she can push me around, but I am tempted to become unavailable for a couple of days, and use the "I'm busy" no-excuse line. Then again, I'll probably just give in to my desires and call over there and get some...

Y'all agree with Anson here that I was too AFC/Nice Guy?

btw, how does one say "I'm going to this friends party on Saturday, and I'd prefer if you didn't come" in a diplomatic way? And no, I'm not saying it straight like that!

Nothing I can't handle.
Osc.

 

[echo1212]

Look, dude, you acted fine, if anything like a dj-keep your cool, lay down the law for things that really matter-and this doesnt. Lets look at the facts, she had already asked this other girl to go first, then she started hanging out with you and got caught up in the moment and asked you. But, in reality, the right thing for her to do was stick to her original promise to take her friend and that is what she did. Besides, she knows your going in a couple of weeks so she probably doesnt think that it made one bit of difference to you.

I know that if my gf has already promised the ticket to someone before me and then ditched the other person for me, in the back of my mind i would be thinking "damn, shes kinda cold, promising a ticket to her friend then backing out", might make me think what kind of person she really is. Bottom line, she did the right thing by keeping to her original promise to her friend. She shouldnt have invited you, but as i said got caught up in things and decided too. But i wouldnt hold it against her.

As far as the party, you dont have to say anything, if you do-your afc. Just tell her your going to a party saturday, dont invite or not invite her-just go. And thats it. Hang out wiht the other girl if you want and go from there. But dont make it seem like your pissed that she isnt taking you to the concert so this is your way of getting back at her-childish.

 

[SamePendo]

Simple, would you have done that to her?

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by SamePendo
Simple, would you have done that to her?

Done what she did with the tickets?
No. But then again, I'm a recovering Nice Guy.

Irony is, she calls me "a bad boy"...

 

[STR8UP]

Had the same thing happen one time. But she had initially asked another GUY whom she liked that told her no. The guy comes around and agrees to go AFTER she had asked me and I said yes.

She cancels with me, AND tells me the real reason. What a B!TCH. I should have put her in her place.

She's disrepecting you BIG TIME. Don't take the same route I did and let her get away with it.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by STR8UP

She cancels with me, AND tells me the real reason. What a B!TCH. I should have put her in her place.

She's disrepecting you BIG TIME. Don't take the same route I did and let her get away with it.

Hmmm. I see where you're coming from there. I know the girl she's taking, and I'm fairly certain it is this girl she's taking. Also I made a very good impression on her mates last weekend and I'd be surprised if they let her get away with that kinda thing. So I have to say that I think she's definitely taking the girl. If that's the case, do you still reckon this is a big time disrespect?

Echo put what I was thinking into words (thanks dude, better than I put it - so much for my namesake...). This thing isn't that serious between us, and we have been hanging out a lot recently. Her friends called me her "new boyfriend" which she did not correct so I'm unsure..

I'm not sure where to go from here - I'm meeting 2 friends for beers tonight and she might come along. For now maybe I'll stick to one of the other DJ mottos - "Be Cool".

Whaddy'all reckon?
Thanks for the input.
Oscar.

 

[bp1974]

Her friends called me her "new boyfriend" which she did not correct so I'm unsure..

Whether she sees you as her bf or not doesn't change whether you see her as your gf. Don't look to her to define your relationship, look at the reality - you've been together for two weeks. That is not yet a relationship, and any 33 year old 'girl' who wants to call you her bf after only two weeks should be handled with a long bargepole.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by bp1974
Whether she sees you as her bf or not doesn't change whether you see her as your gf. Don't look to her to define your relationship, look at the reality - you've been together for two weeks. That is not yet a relationship, and any 33 year old 'girl' who wants to call you her bf after only two weeks should be handled with a long bargepole.

bp1974

Ok. Well, she didn't call me that, they did (their assumption). Of course I didn't act contrary to that, so I can see why they thought so. I think you're going a bit hard on the "not yet a relationship" front - we've been lovers for 2 weeks and spent quite a bit of time together. If you were American I could understand, cos they have that whole "dating scene" which is completely different to here, but we're not "dating", we're sleeping together.

Maybe I'm going completely wrong here and I need to cop on. Please tell me, cos I don't see the wood for the trees.

Cheers,
Oscar.

 

[lerxst]

You know what, if you really want to go to the REM concert, find some available tickets (if any are left) and go. Screw her. If none of your friends don't want to go, go solo. Don't tell her you are going, tho. Just go and if you see her, be like whatever. Her cancelling her plans on you shouldn't stop you from doing what you want.

 

[echo1212]

Im lost here guys, the girl had ALREADY asked her girlfriend to go. THen she met our boy here, gets caught up in him and their romance and asks him without really thinking about it. So what if she takes him and ditches her friend? What does that tell you about her moral character? Taking someone who she just met over a longtime friend and whom she had asked first? To me that would be a big red flag if I knew her friend still wanted to go but she still took me. Thats not a good sign of loyalty or keeping a persons promises imo.

You guys are becoming too swept up in "being the man" "taking no ****" and being always right. Sometimes the girl isnt doing anything to go out of their way to hurt you, its just how things work out, which i believe is the case here.

Dude, dont sweat it, go on with things, play it cool. Trust me youll come out ahead in the long run.

 

[Anson]

Echo... I don't know about you, but when I make a promise I try to keep it and I except the same thing from my friends/girlfriends. I quite frankly don't even consider these promises that are made "without really thinking about it" somehow "lesser" promises. Once a promise is given it will be kept. I personally do not even make those "promises without thinking" because breaking a promise is ALWAYS a great demonstration of disrespect.

But this situation is even more severe, because our buddy Oscar got ditsched ONE DAY before the concert, and he had already changed his plans.

Oscar, I agree with you that a "doesn't really matter" kind of text was okay, but you most definetly should have made her understand that you do not necessarily like it that you have to change your schedule because her mood of who she is taking to the concert is drifting in the wind. Just so that she won't do it again (and again and again and again).

You might say: she couldn't help it, she had promised to her friend first and had to keep that promise so she did the right thing. Well, I say: she was in a situation where there was no "right thing". Furthermore, she had driven herself in the situation where she had to screw up either you or her friend only one day before the concert.

Okay, so she screwed up. Not a big deal, we all screw up sometimes. But there is nothing wrong or un-DJ (or "un-cool") if you subtly hint that maybe she should think more carefully next time. Especially if it pissed you off (as you said it did). I wouldn't get mad at her or anything like that, but I wouldn't completely take the "nice guy" stand either. Especially when you look at these two facts:

1. You got ditched only one day before the concert and you don't like it.

2. It was not your fault, she is the one who screwed things up by promising everything to everyone.

I don't know abot you, Oscar, but I wouldn't like it if these kind of things kept on happening and happening in my life with one person. Just to protect your own interrests I think you should state (or should have stated) that you are not mad, that you don't really care, that it's all cool and all, BUT you wouldn't necessarily want her to do that again. You know, just in case it was something more important than a concert

Just my 5 cents.

 

[echo1212]

Im not denying that you couldnt be slightly put off by it all. Of coarse anyone would be. But my point is it sounds to me like a honest, non intending screw up. And the best thing to do would be to go on and be the better man. To start going into all kinds of game playing and such at this point in the relationship over something as unintentional as this is very counter productive imo.

 

[Anson]

As unintentional as it might have been, she could have still seen it coming had she been a little more thoughtful (hell, she's gotta be pretty dumb to "unintentionally" screw up like that, seriously ). And it was a crappy thing to do, even though it was unintentional. And I don't see any game-playing in an attempt to prevent such easily preventable screw-ups from her part.

And no, doing that will not make her see Oscar as "weak" or something. It's one thing to tell her that you're "pissed off" and quite another to say that perhaps in the future she should try to prevent these kind of screw-ups (EDIT: Also perhaps mention that the concert doesn't really matter but it would matter if it had been something more important ).

 

[echo1212]

HE said himself that she has a no worries kind of attidtude-which is what he likes and what he said he is like. To me after only dating two weeks and knowing the kind of people those two are and knowing that hes going in two weeks and knowing that she had already asked someone before him, to me its just something you let go and dont start playing "he said, she said" over it all. Yes, I know that was a run on sentence lol. That leads to major game playing and wrecking of the realtionship. Sounds to me like from the persona he gave off to her that she didnt think it would be any big deal to him, hence thats how she acted. I have no problem telling her that perhaps next time she could give him a little more warning on the cancellation though, albeit in a ****y funny manner.

 

[Anson]

Having a no worries kind of attitude and being completely irresponsible are two quite different things. I believe that not taking a clear stand when receiving disrespect is more likely to destroy a relationship than taking one. And still I don't see any game-playing in stating what you think when you have to take crap from someone (no, I don't think you should go to "he said she said" fighting either - actually I wouldn't fight about it at all, just give a subtle hint so she'd know not to completely screw up like that next time).

The fact that the crap wasn't intented to you doesn't mean that it wouldn't be still the same crap, and even though these forums have changed quite alot to the worse over the last years, I believe that even nowdays DJ's try not to take crap from their lovers.

A couble more notions in your text:

Sounds to me like from the persona he gave off to her that she didnt think it would be any big deal to him, hence thats how she acted.

This is true - and she will continue to act that way. Oscar already said that he didn't like it, so why would he let it to continue?

I have no problem telling her that perhaps next time she could give him a little more warning on the cancellation though, albeit in a ****y funny manner.

That would be the wise thing to say - at minimum, that is. There is really nothing wrong to ensure that your schedule won't be ruined again (and again and again) in the future.

 

[BobbDobbs]

Her friend put her in a tight spot, first being ambiguous about going, and then deciding to at the last minute.

However, your girl also knows she had to extricate herself from the tight spot at your expense.

So she owes you something. If she doesn't offer something in remorse, then she's probably not overly concerned about your feelings.

 

[bp1974]

Ok. Well, she didn't call me that, they did (their assumption). Of course I didn't act contrary to that, so I can see why they thought so. I think you're going a bit hard on the "not yet a relationship" front - we've been lovers for 2 weeks and spent quite a bit of time together. If you were American I could understand, cos they have that whole "dating scene" which is completely different to here, but we're not "dating", we're sleeping together.

Maybe I'm going completely wrong here and I need to cop on. Please tell me, cos I don't see the wood for the trees.

It sounds like you're saying that because you've been sleeping together from the start that you now have more of a 'serious' relationship than if you hadn't been. In my experience it doesn't work that way. Sex does not create real intimacy, trust or partnership BUT it is often used as a substitute for all of those things, like some 'instant intimacy' spell to stick two strangers together.

Sex has a great way of blinding you to the fact that YOU HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER. You're already starting to worry about whether or not you can go out on your own on Saturday, or whether this would be disloyal to your new woman. Sex blinds men a lot more and a lot more quickly than it does women.

Like you said yourself, you suspect that you can't see the wood for the trees - that's the effect of available sex, even when you hardly know a person. Of course you should treat her with affection and normal respect, but don't get into feelings of loyalty just yet, it's too soon.

bp1974

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Wow guys, the debate rages, huh?

Right, I think that I'm more in tune with Echo's comments than Ansons. At the same time, yes, I was slightly annoyed. I was already in a not-so-great mood from a work incident, so then I get this email from her and I was pissed, especially when I wrote the original post.

Ok, some interesting developments... we went out with some friends of mine last night and got quite drunk (her more that me). Had a great night. She apologised about the ticket thing, saying that she would have preferred if I went instead of her mate. I replied with the "fsck it, you had already asked X, so you were right to give her the ticket, don't worry about it", and gave her a "sh!t happens" vibe. Now Ansons gonna disagree that this was the right thing to do, but fsck it

Right, next things next - my friends were quizzing her a bit when I was away, and she started telling them that she was mad about me - not directly, but that's the impression she gave 'em (they told me when she was at the bar).

Later, before bed, she told me that she didn't want to scare me off by coming on too strong and then shut up and wouldn't talk about it! Too late, I know exactly what this means - her IL is 80+ at this stage. And there was me thinking she's about 55 or so, damn women are good at this stuff!

STR8UP mentioned in his schoolgirl post that he found her sky-high IL to be a turn on - I must admit I find the same - it's nice.

I'm still undecided about Sat. Might ask if I can bring her along - hell, the social proof for the other girl might work and anyway, I have a cool relaxed, comfortable vibe with this girl so I'm not gonna stress about whatever happens.

bp, I am watching out for that and haven't given 100% loyalty yet, but I do suspect that we'll be there in a couple of weeks more.
I'm still protecting the heart though, not getting crazy about anything. I don't fall in love easily (thankfully, or not? I'm unsure there!)

Thanks for your comments so far guys.

Osc.