She Came Back With Regret

[Anima]

So previously referenced in my main thread, I had a mutual friend hook me up with a girl; let's call her HB Sam (HB stands for something like hot babe, right? I'm not sure...). Sam and I have never met nor talked in person (we don't have classes together or see each other in the hallways; we also have different lunches), and couldn't, so I got our mutual friend to get me her number. I waited until school got out and texted her when I got home. I made sure I took time to respond and didn't rush things, and I didn't cling to her or kiss her *ss (I never asked how her day was, etc.). We talked about our interests and schedules and what-not, and I asked her on a date the first day (we started talking on Monday, btw). As the days passed, we talked less and less (I'm not very good at small talk, and I didn't want to fill it with "nice guy" sh*t). On Thursday, she wasn't returning my texts, and I had to get the mutual friend to ask her if she was still on for Friday; she said no. She wouldn't talk to me or even look at me the few times I saw her, so I just removed her contact and tried to move on. Thursday, though, she texted me (a week after she called it quits). The conversation went as follows:
**S being Sam and M being me

S: I'm sorry for never actually giving you a chance. And I feel bad for it.
*I asked who it was, even though I knew. I wanted to make it seem like I had moved on (I almost had, but was still kind of distraught).
M: Oh, right. Well, my weekend is pretty busy, but next week is free if you'd like to do something.
S: Yeah my weekend is too. But I would like to get to know you
S: I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings I've kinda been a ***** lately
M: It's all good. Just let me know if you want to do something and we can get to know each other better.
S: Ok (Note: this is the second time she's used an emoticon talking to me; the first being when I asked her on the date initially).

After that, it was basically fill (her saying she's going to the gym and will get back to me, and then that her phone is about to die and she'll get to me when she gets home. Both times, she started the conversation again; they were pretty much just reminders). Then, she pretty much asks me to go to her orchestra concert this Tuesday, and offered to give me a ride to it (I'm a sophomore and she's a junior #cougarlife). Today, at noon:

S: I'm sorry I haven't texted you I've had a rlly bad week and today was very very bad
M: It's alright. Want to talk about it? (Note: our mutual friend had told me that she had an anxiety attack and had to leave the ACT, and basically had a weird week)
S: *She basically explains what happened and how she felt about it in one message*
M: Are you starting to feel any better? (I said something about my mom having a serious issue, but I kept it a short two-sentence answer)
S: Not really my best friend Kat is trying to get me to hang out with her right now but it's hard
M: (I don't respond, and she says 30 minutes later...)
S: It's just like I wanna hang out with you and I do plan to take you to my concert but it's all rlly scary and I don't wanna scare you away at all
M: You're fine. Just take your time and don't push yourself too far. (I tried not to suck up, but I genuinely care and wanted to let her know that)
S: Thank you it really does mean a lot to me

**Note: she was not even close to this serious before. She must have had a ton of time to think about stuff while she was home suffering from anxiety.


So where we stand, I think that we currently have like an honesty-foundation set up. If she does actually take me to her concert, then I'm going to make sure we have a good time and keep her mind off of her anxiety (still not going to suck up, though; this was my major problem before). Then I'll ask her to either go to the beach or something, or come to JWU with me (which I mention in my main thread). What are the DJ's thoughts on this? How do you think I did? Where do you think we're at, and where do you think we're going?

 

[Anima]

I think you shouldnt have said yes to a date right away after she got back to you. It showed you're weak and desperate / had no other options. Should have just left it vague like: "I'm pretty busy the next few weeks I'll get back to you" and not responded to her for a good 4-7 days. Then you could have tried to set things back up by saying: "I have friday open in my schedule. Let's do (activity) at (time). I'll meet you there." Now that's not guranteed to work, of course. After that amount of time she either would have obsessed about going on a date with you or changed her mind and didn't want to give you another chance. But either way you would have saved face and stood your ground.

Normally, I would think that that's sound advice (and would have done it on my own). This time, however, I just don't think it's the right thing to do. She came back to me I her own, and then I made her do all of the work. And she sounded very different from the last time we talked. It was blatant that she was really worked up, depressed, desperate, and weak. I didn't want to give her anything else to stress over, and that little bit of talking I managed to stretch out for three days. I think I'll just update here so if I do make the wrong decisions, I'll be able to look back. I'd rather be wrong and nice than go over the edge and be an *sshole. I still appreciate your advice and agree with it (sort of), but I need to learn the hard way.

I would not go to her concert. Make something up that involves your social life. Put her back down from the pedestal onto the curb. Then I say you still have a real shot at this girl. Try to keep the small talk text to a minimum. Don't text her every day asking if she has had a good day, how her anxiety is, etc. Leave her wondering about you.

If I remember the Book of Pook correctly, I'm the prize to be won; I'm the great catch. I think following that, I did correctly. I made her work hard for it, and then I gave her my time.

If you see her at school, give her a big smile with your eyes locked on hers and say "Hey there (name)". Maybe even a wink will be good, if you pull those off well (they always work for me).

I try to do this, but I rarely see her. Keep in mind, we've never talked in person, and I only know what she looks like because of pictures (therefore, I don't know what her body looks like very well and couldn't rate her in the post).

Good job getting a date. Hopefully it works out.

Thanks! This whole thing is s big step forward for me, so let's keep walking.

 

[Anima]

She had to do zero work, only had to send you a text asking if you wanted to hang out and you said yes. How is that work?

She initiated all of the texts. I've never started a conversation with her, and haven't replied to a lot of her texts (she would text me again and try to keep the conversation going; I saw it as begging/interest/desperation). I agree that this isn't extreme DJ work, but it's a great step for me.

Unless you make a move the first date, so do that. In order to make her see you as a man, be aggressive and assertive when you see her. Don't ask for anything, do what you want and be decisive. You can still come out on top but you only have one shot now.

I agree. This is the attitude I have, but we haven't gotten together (or seen each other or talked in person for me to show it). Making a move at her concert is going to be hard. Firstly, her parents may be there, and it's also just very public. Not only that, but I've never made a move before... on anyone. I think a kiss is something I'd have to plan out more, since I don't even know where to begin or what to do. I could, however, do something like hold her hand or hug her before we go/when we get together.

You don't have the DJ mind set yet.

I know I don't. I haven't worked on it yet. I've been working on myself since I joined this community. Now that I have a chance with a girl, I'm trying to apply some of the stuff I've read and get pushed towards the DJ mindst.

Why do you care if you come off as an a**hole?

Because that's not who I am and I don't like being judged. I'll also lose all of my ties with potential girls.

She came off as a serious b!tch and you forgave her. That's unacceptable. Unless she does something to make it up to you, there's nothing you need to do to prove yourself to her.

I think I can get something out of her (a relationship, experience, sex, etc.). I just took it because I didn't have anyone else to go to (and no possible options). Had I had another girl or two, I probably would have done what you're telling me to.

At this point you should be making her conform to your schedule and plans / what you want to do. She's in your debt.

That's what I'm going to do, but I was impressed that she made the first move and I took it.

From what I read she's a b!tch.

I'm probably just blinded by desire, so tell me why you think that?

 

[Anima]

I'm sorry to say this but everything you're writing just comes off as desperate beta, even you wrote you're desperate. You're title of the thread states "with regret". She's doing it because she fault bad for the 'nice guy'.

I think that--if not just actually interested in me--she's back for an emotional tampon since she's going through a lot of anxiety and emotions. Also, I was never a nice guy to her. When we talked initially, it was the same as it is now: I made her start all of the conversations, and my responses would be short; my only goal is to get us closer to a date.

I don't care if she texts you first. It means her ego is down and it needs some cheering up.

I agree. She may have come to me, but I'm taking charge and being assertive as soon as I see her.

Why don't you go and get another girl or two to text? Go out, cold approach and start texting several new girls.

I can't cold approach yet. I'm not there with guys and people I'm not interested in, even. If there's someone there with me, then it's a bit easier, but it's just not where I'm at yet. It'll be something I do this Summer and next year, where I have new faces.

You want to be nice? Come on. You need to get out of that mindset. You won't lose any social standing if you have a backbone and stand up for yourself. You'll gain attractiveness.

Being nice doesn't entirely mean not having a backbone. I'm assertive and aggressive, but I actually care about issues people have. I don't want to be a nice guy, but I want to be nice.

You havn't even met the girl in person and you're talking about SEX? Dude, there are a thousand things that could happen when you first meet. She could be retarded for all you know and you are super annoyed by her.

Obviously, I didn't mean sex any time soon. I meant that if we do happen to get into a relationship, there's a chance that I can get it from her. When we meet Tuesday, I can easily get a hand-hold and a hug. I've seen her and heard her talk and know that she's not retarded. I'd say she's like a 7.5-8, and my friends think she's a 7.5.

I don't care if you've never made a move. I never had at one point either. But you know what I tried? Following my instincts. And I never said at her concert, that would be weird. Do it when you two are alone on the date. Get her laughing and charm her, then just kiss her after a second or two of staring into her eyes and looking at her lips. If she likes you you'll start making out. Don't be afraid, that's a turn off.

Obviously that's what I have to do. It'd be weak af to ask her to arrange it. Even though it'd get the first kiss out of the way (and I could take control of her with kissing from there on), it'd still be pretty submissive. Even though I like to analyze and know things (if you're into this kind of thing, it comes with my Virgo Sun), I'm fully aware that I can't plan any of this stuff out; I'm going to have to act on the moment. To be honest, the first time we talked, I was stressing and nervous and trying to be perfect. This time, I'm not thinking about what I'm going to say or worrying about it... and it's working. It's a great way to live and it's going to be easier for me to apply this to other things (like cold approaches, kissing, sex, texting, etc.).

She's a b!tch because she just straight up ignored you! She told herself "Fvck this guy i can do better, another orbiter is texting me now I'm forgetting about DoctorCoops". Then that orbiter went away. Now she came back to you for attention, validation and ego boosts. I'd forget this girl completely. But you are blinded and you're new to this. I'm not trying to bash you, just teach you the best way to go about these things. You'll learn quick, I know I did.

I doubt she has any orbiters. I don't think she's ever had a boyfriend (though I'll find that out and edit this). Not only that, but she's kind of quiet and introverted (except around her best friend). I agree entirely, though; I'm blinded and new to this. I think it's going to take one experience for everything for me to catch on; I'm going to need to have one successful cold approach, one successful time where I make a move and take what I want, one successful instance of being a DJ. I understand that you're not trying to bash me and just want this to be easy for me, but that's not how to embed stuff like this into people. Becoming a DJ isn't just taking advice; you need to act off of experience and learn.

I'm honestly just going to go through with it and if it doesn't work, then I will very gladly follow your instructions 100%. I want to be wrong because I want to be right.

 

[Anima]

I respect your willingness to learn and I agree. Learning from your mistakes is a great way. Just don't get into bad habits which is what I'm afraid will happen if you apply that metod. But to each his own.

I'm not going to form any habits. Thinking back to how I was when I started, I've changed a lot without any events. With things like girls and stuff to push me even further, I'll change even more. I'll keep you updated on my main thread. Thanks for the advice!

 

[Robert28]

I see you're 15 and if I can only give you one piece of experience that I've learned over the years and wish I knew when I was 15, it's this. 99.99999% of the time, ANY girl that you REALLY have to put effort into "getting to know" or go on a date with, or that you start thinking "man, this chick is really making me chase her!".....they're never worth the effort you put in. I say never, more like very very very very very rarely. Yeah there's that .0000001% chance where ONE chick out of billions will be worth it, but do you really like those odds? Like I said, just my personal experience that every chick I've known that made it very difficult for me to date them or get to know them or who showed no interest but then later on down the road they somehow became interested, just never lived up to the hype.