She acts like a cat - any tips appreciated

[Black Widow Void]

So far, things seem to be going fairly good, but this could change any day. I'm having to fake a lot of attitude with this one. If I put on the casual move, she not too receptive. Once I just sort of give off the non verbal vibe of "okay, let's just get through the day and try to enjoy the evening" vibe, she will make the moves. Then, I think things are cool, so I'll respond by putting on the same type of move, and then she's cold again? I don't think it's an intentional game of "push / pull" but it's weird!

I've dated a lot of chicks, but this situation is new to me. We are in bed, the majority of the time, she wants to dominate, but her domination is submissive. In other words, if I kiss, she pulls back. If I lay there, she'll start kissing and more into pleasing me than herself.

She calls the shots on physical contact, yet when talking on the phone, she is very open! Not in a friend mode, but open about personal details of her past and day to day life (which seems to indicate that interest) . However, on the playing field, she is hot and cold.

It's still in the new stage and I shouldn't complain, but I hate being the 'follower' to her lead. Eventually, if I keep this up, she'll disrespect me and understandably so.

I could really use some clarity. Any tips would be appreciated.

her back ground might say something.

mid 40's (physically fit, attractive, but not a "10")

Divorced close to ten years ago due to a husband that cheated more times than he was faithful. Another close one also cheated on her. From her communication and personalty, she does not seem to have more than usual baggage issues (for a woman of her age).

Also, she's climbed up the business latter and worked hard to do this. In the past few years, she's focused more on her career than dating.

 

[Luthor Rex]

I have a cat, here is how I deal with her:

When she's bad I hit her with a blast of water from a spray bottle right to the face.

When I need to clip her claws I put her in a headlock and ignore her crying.

I'm sure that would work well on a human woman.

 

[WaterTiger]

I have a cat, here is how I deal with her:

When she's bad I hit her with a blast of water from a spray bottle right to the face.

When I need to clip her claws I put her in a headlock and ignore her crying.

I'm sure that would work well on a human woman.

:crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

Not sure that would work well with a human...but I'd LOVE to see you try!

Girl: But it's my BIRTHDAY! All you got me was this stupid card?
Luthor Rex: SQUUUUUUUURRRRT! Now you behave or you'll get the hose again!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Luthor,
For some of them the better solution is to put 'em in a sack with a brick,and walk 'em to the River.

 

[jophil28]

So far, things seem to be going fairly good, but this could change any day. I'm having to fake a lot of attitude with this one. If I put on the casual move, she not too receptive. Once I just sort of give off the non verbal vibe of "okay, let's just get through the day and try to enjoy the evening" vibe, she will make the moves. Then, I think things are cool, so I'll respond by putting on the same type of move, and then she's cold again? I don't think it's an intentional game of "push / pull" but it's weird!

I've dated a lot of chicks, but this situation is new to me. We are in bed, the majority of the time, she wants to dominate, but her domination is submissive. In other words, if I kiss, she pulls back. If I lay there, she'll start kissing and more into pleasing me than herself.

She calls the shots on physical contact, yet when talking on the phone, she is very open! Not in a friend mode, but open about personal details of her past and day to day life (which seems to indicate that interest) . However, on the playing field, she is hot and cold.

It's still in the new stage and I shouldn't complain, but I hate being the 'follower' to her lead. Eventually, if I keep this up, she'll disrespect me and understandably so.

I could really use some clarity. Any tips would be appreciated.

her back ground might say something.

mid 40's (physically fit, attractive, but not a "10")

Divorced close to ten years ago due to a husband that cheated more times than he was faithful. Another close one also cheated on her. From her communication and personalty, she does not seem to have more than usual baggage issues (for a woman of her age).

Also, she's climbed up the business latter and worked hard to do this. In the past few years, she's focused more on her career than dating.

You are involved with a woman who converts every occasion into a power struggle. Her pathology is shaping and leading your relationship with her, and she is winning this competition with you because you are disturbed enough to post about her behavior.

BTW, the "cheating husband" story creates a perfect decoy for a woman who acts like she does..
BY claiming the victim position she is attempting to paint a picture of herself as a poor, faultless innocent who was betrayed , apparently endlessly.
Not a bad costume to wear by a control freak who wishes to disguise her true nature.

 

[jonwon]

You are involved with a woman who converts every occasion into a power struggle. Her pathology is shaping and leading your relationship with her, and she is winning this competition with you because you are disturbed to post about her behavior.

BTW, the "cheating husband" story creates a perfect decoy for a woman who acts like she does..
BY claiming the victim position she is attempting to paint a picture of herself as a poor, faultless innocent who was betrayed , apparently endlessly.
Not a bad costume to wear by a control freak who wishes to disguise her true nature.

Indeed Joe.

This also stands out;

"Divorced close to ten years ago due to a husband that cheated more times than he was faithful. Another close one also cheated on her. From her communication and personalty, she does not seem to have more than usual baggage issues (for a woman of her age)."

History of choosing men who cheat. This is almost like the women who leaves the abusive husband only to fall into the arms of another man who beats her up - She portray's it like a victim but underneath the female-gloss is a women who gravitates to that type of man.

One thing I have adopted over the years and that is to look at what women say with a pinch of salt - If anything it shows the type of character a man is dating when looking at her past or what she says about the men she choose.

For example; A close friend of mine is total cad, womanizer (female speak), the works - never been faithful in his life and has no intention to - his current GF adhors him, her history?! Ex Husband cheated on her many a time - if anything my friend is an almost carbon copy of the last partner she had - which is ironic when you listen to her drone on about how bad the husband is. My friend is pritty clued up about it all though.

Usually when I hear of stories about women getting abused in the home a large part of me, thinks "If she left him, I bet 100% she will be dating another thug in a week" - Same applies for girls who, date guys who have no intention of being faithful. Not that I mind, but just illustrating that women are in no-way shape of form victims in most cases.

 

[Black Widow Void]

jophil28 and jonwon

Man, thanks for responding!

Now that it was mentioned, I definitely think there's a power thing going on here.

I may be disillusioning myself, but I'm not sure she's playing the victim card, but i will not rule it out.

As far as those that use the abuse card, , I've dated a few that have used this and WOW... you have to practically tip toe around them and then when things seem cool, BAM, you discover that they are more like predators than 'victims.'

As to those that were abused, those that may be legitimate, I tend to also avoid because, well for one, I'm not abusive, and secondly, they tend to practically 'push' you into jerk (not in a good way) mode, because that's what they are accustomed to and a lack of reaction seems to make them feel less desirable.

I agree that because I'm writing about this woman's behavior, I am following a lead, rather than takiing it. I don't like this at all. You two may have figured it out, but unlike those I can take or leave (which always puts me in the drivers seat) , I actually do sort of like this one. Yeah, I know I need to shift gears and at least act like she's one of the many in my past. To my benefit, the girl knows that I've been rather popular with women.

I neglected to mention one thing though. She said that she had taken a break from dating because she "always seemed to attract the wrong guy's" . Okay, even I know that this translates into she was always attracted to the wrong guys. In fairness,she really doesn't toss around her past (unlike a few in my past, that have). . She has only brought it up once.

Although she's no "10", it's safe to say that she's a definite "8." To be in her 40's (and on a middle age scale) , I'd even go up to an "9" (she shows no ware on her body for being this age).

My life doesn't depend or revolve around this girl, but I must admit that compared to others, I'm more into her than most.
Any tips on how I can turn those tables and/or disarm her shield?

 

[jophil28]

Now that it was mentioned, I definitely think there's a power thing going on here.

I may be disillusioning myself, but I'm not sure she's playing the victim card, but i will not rule it out.

POWER over men is her drug of choice.

Some here would see her behavior as "sh1t tests" . Tests, by definition are evaluative processes, not endless episodes of manufactured drama designed to have you dangle in a state of suspended bewilderment and anxiety.

I suppose that you could continue to pursue her hoping to break though her "shield". What do you hope to find back there ? This woman is already transmitting huge amounts of information about herself, but your receiver is malfunctioning.

Her telling you about her past men is disturbing . She chose them back then, and she chose them for who and what they were based on their behavior..

Women like this frequently paint themselves as innocent victims of past crAp male behavior, when the truth is that they seek out men who will act like, or are, thugs and jerks. They are drawn to these thugs to create all the turmoil and drama to satisfy her addiction to the flood of brain chemicals that surely follow .

IF you are a decent guy, she will provoke and irritate you into reacting in ways that create a rollercoaster experience. This is familiar territory for her.

ASk yourself whether she is acting in consistent ways which indicate that she wants to draw close to you, or is she acting in ways which cause you doubt, anxiety and uncertainty ?

Read my sig line.

 

[jophil28]

dupe post

 

[Blue Phoenix]

She needs to control others because she cant´ control herself. Are you her toy? If you can be controlled it means you´re an easy target. This Hot/Cold behavior is used to instill anxiety in you whether this is conscious or not.

Control-a man:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/08/03/what-makes-your-control-freak-wife-or-girlfriend-tick/
Sex and Control:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/200...men-get-screwed-by-emotionally-abusive-women/
How Women Control You - The Fear of Loss and the Need for Approval:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/200...u-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

*Is Your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim?
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/

As you can see, read all articles from this site if you have time. It´s an awesome pairing to sosuave as well as askmen.com. The 3 horsemen!

 

[Black Widow Void]

jophil28, Thanks!

very well put. (my) "receiver is malfunctioning" . I totally get it. We've all seen this in retrospect and I thank you for providing clarity before/during the fact.

"They are drawn to these thugs to create all the turmoil and drama to satisfy her addiction to the flood of brain chemicals that surely follow ."

Yep. I had one of her test's earlier and that's when she saw that I wasn't going to hand over my balls. My demonstration of behavior (making no apologies for calling her down) reaped some rather good benefits. However, this is not something I want as a series of events (the drama, that is).

"IF you are a decent guy, she will provoke and irritate you into reacting in ways that create a rollercoaster experience. This is familiar territory for her."

I've lived this. I dated former Catholic school girls who were so conditioned to their atmosphere that they would get angry if you didn't put them in a controlling environment.

Blue Phoenix, Thanks!

"This Hot/Cold behavior is used to instill anxiety in you whether this is conscious or not."

This didn't occur to me. Damn it, her agenda worked too!
I just visited your link and downloaded the two e-books.
Thanks

 

[sodbuster]

Blue Phoenix reps on excellent articles

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Blue Phoenix reps on excellent articles

Thanks!!

Hot and Cold Love Addicts: A Lethal Combination

If you are dating someone whose behavior is hot and cold, beware. This is a sign that they're into games. It's long been the rule that when dating someone whose behavior is marked by hot and cold reactivity--- you are on uncertain ground. Behavioral extremes indicate a power play is being employed. No, it's not confusion. Although that is the hope, the hot/cold scenario typifies much more than lack of certainty.

Sometimes conscious, often unconscious, this is a known method by which to activate pursuit. It's utilized, because it works. Without knowing it, we can be pulled into someone else's game. Relationship uncertainty makes us yearn for stability. The automatic human response is to chase, when the “other” pulls away. What was so readily available is now gone, or at least beyond our temporary reach. The one who initiates hot/cold is the one who is most terrified. Yes, it looks like strength. But it isn't. Real strength is the ability to maintain contact. Real strength isn't afraid to be direct.

This is not a partner who possesses a skill set for relationships. Your time will be better spent with someone else, who is capable of honest and consistent behavior.

Sources:
http://www.susanwinter.net/Attitudes_and_Behavior.html
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Peabody1.html

It´s funny that this behavior is one of the techniques of seduction (Robert Greene). The problem here is that this person is ambivalent about others, and will drive you to despair with this hot-cold ways. Either that or she´s using the art of seduction on you to mess with your head. :crazy:

 

[jophil28]

Blue Phoenix reps on excellent articles

Indeed, Blue P is our resident researcher extraordinaire.