Severe confidence issues

[bud_2005]

Ok I guess I just need to vent a little. I need help. For one I am a poor conversationalist. I am kind of shy and I don't talk very much. When I'm with a group of 2 or 3 I don't have a lot of trouble chiming in , but if I am in a large group I pretty much clam up and it sucks. I then get depressed because I think no one likes me. I don't have many friends, and when I'm w/ people that that aren't close friends, I am constantly worried that they won't like me. I am afraid to approach girls because I am afraid of not knowing what to talk about and them rejecting me. I take rejection pretty personally. When I see popular people at school surrounded by group of people, I wish my life that I could be liked as them. On the weekends I'm scared to go hang out with people because I figure they don't want to be around me. Plus my younger brother is a stud with a lot of friends and he rubs it in my face which then even more hurts my confidence.
Then this website preaches you have to be something special to get women, something I am not. I somewhat enjoy not being around people because then I'm not a nervous wreck.

Can I change? Are there like articles I can read to help me or tapes. My low confidence is somewhat ruining my life, to where I can't have much fun. What can I do to fix my issues. Please help

 

[Black_Italian]

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Type in David DeAngelo in search and the file you want is 700mb or so.

 

[Sasha]

I know how you feel! And there is a way out! But it's a painfull way. Even I am not out completly but I'm doing good!

Thing is, there is nothing that will help your life other than you. You have to approach chicks you want to bang, you have to initiate contact with people you want for your friend. You! is the key word her!

Read more on social skills at: http://www.bristollair.com/outergame/skills/howtogetasociallife/

It's a good article!

 

[JonJack]

First things first, you have to resign to the fact that not everyone will like you. You could be the funniest and friendliest person in the world, but not everyone will like you.

Next, you have got to realize that if you place other people's opinion of you extremely important in your life, you will feel the way you feel now. If you want things to change, you have to make yourself not be bothered about what people think of you when you first meet them.

Slowly but surely, you will begin to become better at gaining other people's attention and enthusiasm. The more you interact with people, the better you get at it. Even if you aren't good at it, at least you'll be more comfortable with it.

You might think that your going out and not having fun is something you should avoid. However, it is way better to be doing that than sitting at home alone. Just continue hanging with whoever, and learn from the experiences you gain.

 

[Holland]

But really, does it matter that some people don't like you. I mean, I wouldn't want be hanging out with people who didn't like me. As long as you like yourself you'll find yourself some friends and you'll be alright. Just go for people with the same interests and act like a normal human being. Just hang out with people but don't force yourself on them, especially if you don't know them at all. Don't try to be cool or whatever, just be relaxed.

As for the big group convo's. In big groups mostly of the time there are more convo's going on at once so just go for the one you find most interesting and if you're listening to them you're probably gonna have your saying. Then again don't force it or interupt people.

 

[Mojo604]

I know how you feel. For me, I started to improve on my problems when I started focusing on myself alot. Started working out a lot, and even thought I didnt see great results right away, I started to feel better about myself because I was actually doing something.
Social anxiety happens because you dont accept your self yet, you think that you are not acceptable to yourself, therefore other people wont accept you.
So to improve yourself, think about it- "what can I do to improve on my flaws or things that dont make me comfortable about myself". With that in mind, start doing small things first- one step at a time.
To change your self is not easy and requires determination and discipline- you have to stick to your will to change and not waver.

One of the things that helped me was Stoic philosophy. I've been thinking about making a thread about it because a lot it relates to human behaviour/ self-improvement/ peace of mind, ect. I think ill make a thread some time with the info i talking about.

 

[Turncoat]

It's easy

Listen, i had the same problem. But i got over it quickly and effieciently. I'm a psych major and i applied what i learned to fix my problem. This might work wonders for you.

First off, behaviour leads to mind state. Move slow, talk slow, breathe slow and you relax and let go AUTOMATICALLY. Always keep eye contact. stand straight and tall.

If you do the above, you're already a step ahead. Second, listen to the guys reply to this post: not everyone will like you. But that's not your purpose. U want to be strong and confident, which will lead you to be admired and liked If it doesn't please someone, so be it

U will recive oppsition from others if u take the lead and decisions. But that is no problem. If someone gives you ****, just look at them, give them a glare, and move on to whetever you were doing WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. Actions always speak louder than words. Words are cheap, never explain u'reself to anyone or feel obliged to respond to anyones bull****.

I hope this advice could help u as much as it helped me.

 

[bud_2005]

This is a little bit of a followup. Your advice has already helped me a little. I believe the real problem stems from poor conversation skills. I tend to ask a lot of questions, and when people make statements towards me I have a lot of trouble following up on it. I can only say like "cool" or "great" or "oh yeah".

The trouble is when I hang out with people, there always seem to be a loud funny guy that everyone loves. Then I get jealous because everyone seems to want to talk to him.

And I'll be going to college in about 3 weeks, and I am somewhat dreading it because I am afraid I won't make any friends.

 

[bud_2005]

From the article that Sasha posted, these traits fit me perfectly:

-They tend to be ashamed of the fact that they’re lonely and hide from other people even more, obviously making the problem worse.


-They tend to be insecure and down on themselves. They also tend to think that no one likes them. If they interact with people they assume the other person came away with a bad impression of them.

-They tend to lack initiative and expect other people to do all the work and go out of their way to include them. They falsely believe that if no one invites them to do anything it means no one likes them.

-If they do get invited somewhere, there’s a decent chance that they’ll turn it down. Perhaps to confirm their self-image that no one likes them and they won’t have fun anyways. In other words they pass up opportunities to increase their social skills.

 

[Caveman]

Originally posted by bud_2005
This is a little bit of a followup. Your advice has already helped me a little. I believe the real problem stems from poor conversation skills. I tend to ask a lot of questions, and when people make statements towards me I have a lot of trouble following up on it. I can only say like "cool" or "great" or "oh yeah".

The trouble is when I hang out with people, there always seem to be a loud funny guy that everyone loves. Then I get jealous because everyone seems to want to talk to him.

And I'll be going to college in about 3 weeks, and I am somewhat dreading it because I am afraid I won't make any friends.

Hey man, I think there are many people on this board that were once in your shoes. I myself know exactly how you feel. If you feel you are are bad at conversations: practise! Make it a point to at least talk to 3 strangers a day. I don't care who, the clerk at the store, the old lady at the busstop... It doesn't matter. Make a remark about the weather, make a remark about the bus being late, it doesn't matter. You just need to get over your anxiety. Once you find you can make remarks to total strangers, crack it up a notch.. Listen to what they are saying and work with what they give you. You mention you tend to ask a lot of questions: Listen to their answers. There is always a lead to another question or an opportunity to mention something about yourself. Make it a sport to find those leads. Once you've practised this enough, you'll start to losen up and things will get easier. This will be the time you start talking to girls you like, or guys you'd like to hang out with. And NEVER assume people will not want to talk to you or hang out with you. In your mind, ALWAYS assume you are a likeable guy and people are comfortable around you.

Good luck mate!

 

[tigre]

You can start off by going to a gym and lifting weights, getting a new wardrobe(nice looking clothes), start wearing clothes youre comfortable with, perhaps another haircut or whatever. You gotta be comfortable with yourself, people notice that. meanwhile you should start hanging out more, I see you have 400 + posts and youre on this situation, so that cant be good. play some sports, go to parties etc. Also when being outside your house, you should try to make eyecontact with people and say hi to them, spark conversations with people on the street. to Start doing that and then come back if you need more help.

 

[bud_2005]

I'm been thinking, how did this stem. What happened to caused for me to be this way? I did get made fun of sometimes when I was a kid but nothing major. My parents are both great and have raised me well.

When I do go out I pretty much always drink, which does help a lot. I don't want to feel like I need it though and become an alcoholic.

What makes me feel a lot better is that I am not alone. Misey loves company I guess.

 

[bud_2005]

bump

 

[S.S.N. 318]

Re: It's easy

Originally posted by Turncoat


U will recive oppsition from others if u take the lead and decisions. But that is no problem. If someone gives you ****, just look at them, give them a glare, and move on to whetever you were doing WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. Actions always speak louder than words. Words are cheap, never explain u'reself to anyone or feel obliged to respond to anyones bull****.

I hope this advice could help u as much as it helped me.

^^real talk...verry real...sound just like how I do **** when negativity hitz...I move in silence...quick...but keep it gutta at the same time cuzz...fa real doe...