Serious help needed to a complex problem

[neil27264]

Hi everyone from a new member to the forum, though I have been a visitor to the site for 4 years, and thank you very much for reading this, I really could do with some serious help here I have lost my way. Any suggestions would be very welcome. 4 Years ago I used the techniques on this site. I met a woman who instantly poured her heart out to me about how unhappy she was being in a marriage with a man who she painted a picture of as an angry, controlling bully. A guy who had obviously invested a lot of time dragging her self esteem down into the gutter. She had no self belief left and was on anti-depressants. We had an affair, and were sescovered by my wife and her husband.
This is a long story and there are lots of parts to it, but I will do my best to keep to the important facts and keep it as simple as I can.

Thank you again for reading it and I really would appreciate your opinion.

I am 45 and live in the UK a pretty ok guy, but am prone to depression
and slightly lower than average self esteem being brutally honest.

4 years ago I was unhappilly married and met a woman while collecting
kids from school. I had seen her at a friends party and was really into
her from the moment I saw her. So I decided to use some of the things
from your site, and have a go. She told me from the word go that she was
unhappy with her husband. He shouted at her a lot and from what she said
and other people hinted at I built up a picture of a controlling bully
who really dragged her self esteem down. We started dating and fell in
love, an emotional affair that turned physical after about 6 months.
After a year my wife found out and she told her husband. It was a
horrible time, I left home and she stayed with him. She started seeing
me again and a few months later she left and got a rented place of her
own. She has two girls who are now 14 and 11 by the way and I have two
boys, now 9 and 13. Her husband used her kids and filled their heads
with some pretty bad things about me, An examle of which is that I was a
pervert and not fit to be with kids ( I am not perfect, but have never
done anything criminal or immoral.

All through our affair and for the next two years and even up until this
week, she would be really into me for a few weeks, then push me away.
she has ended the relationship about 25 times. She is very insecure and
has very low self esteem, but is a very attractive woman. I have always
blamed her husband for her poor opinion of herself, in my opinion that's
how he operates, and even her eldest daughter has said stuff like "dad
just depresses you mum doesn't he".

Anyway, 18 months ago when she had ended the relationship yet again, I
started dating another woman, to try to fill the void and heal myself. I
had arranged to go away for the weekend and then the love of my life
turns up again wanting to see me. I told her some lies and still went
with the other girl for the weekend. But she found out I had lied and
that of course ended her trust in me. She then went running back to her
husband and started sleeping with him again. We didn't see each other
for about 6 months, then she got back in touch. She has always accused
me of 'overreacting' and having a very negative view of her husband, and maybe I have to some extent, but it is based on things she has told me!
One night last february after she was with me and planning our secret
time togehter she said it was 'impossible becaus I had my kids staying
all the time. i was mad at this and sent her some pretty mean texts
pointing out that it was down to her husband and her seeing him that
we could only meet certain days. She was mad at this and ended the
relationship yet again. 4 months ago i stopped drinking and I calmed
down a lot and got in toch with her to apologise, we started dating
> again, and the trust between us returned. We have dated for the last few
months but always in secret as she is terrified of her husband finding
out and 'making the kids pay'. She is still sleeping with him by the
way. She and him booked a vacation when we were not seeing each other
last winter and that is coming up in a few weeks. I know i have to be
confident and let her go and spend time with him, but I am afraid it
will overpower her psychologically and he will pressure her into moving
back in with him. I am tempted to do everthing I can to try to persuade
her not to as I feel he will trap her once he has her back. I am lost
what on earth should I do now. I don't want to lose her, and it seems so
hard on myself to keep waiting. i just want to be with her and give her
and her kids the happy life I promised her right at the start. Do I just
wait to see what happens or is there something I can do?

Please help........ I just want to be ok for my kids and not go downhill.
>
> There is a lot more to this and if you need more I will tell you but I
> have tried to cut to the chase witrh this and keep it short.
>
> Sincerely Neil Mclean UK

 

[everywomanshero]

Too much to read but dude I have married chicks lined up in several nearby cities. I see them from time to time but I don't get all crazy about them. In fact one is hardcore after me and claims to be prego by me ha ha you need to get that depression under control and learn to chill bro.. have some hobbies. women *** easy and there is more to life than just broads

 

[neil27264]

Hi and thanks for your advice, you are right, but it's easier said than done. I fell for this woman big style and she did for me too. I am stuck in the 'if only we could be together everything would be fine' mode.

 

[scrouds]

These complex problems, well see they are simple. All problems are simple, you just have to remove all the bullsht.

Your problems as i see them:

1) CLINICAL DEPRESSION. GO SEE A DOCTOR.

2) You're onitis with a woman that can't make up her mind and makes life hell. Drop her.

 

[neil27264]

Thanks for that Scrouds, it does make sense in some ways, but alow me to tell you a little more. I have invested over three years of my life in this woman, left my wife and kids, even changed jobs. I just think it is worht that extra few months in order to see how things go. She has commited to going on vacation with her husband and kids because of something I did wrong, getting pissed with her hwen she would not commit. She says she has to 'get it right this time' and know that 'it is about her and her husband not being right for each other'. Not unreasonable in my mind, or is it? Just going to hang on in there till she gets back mid August and see what happens then. In the mean time I am playing it cool, not chasing her, not contacting her, improving myself, all good solid DJ stuff yea? My question really is this. if she does continue to fck me around when she gets back and asks for even more time. Should I use the information I have and photos on my phone etc, from the last few months when we have been seeing each other. Should I sent a polite letter to the bullying controlling husband who is using her kids to manipulate her, to try to break things up. As I see it I would be doing her a big favour.

 

[scrouds]

First, all that you've done... that's what I call sunk cost. if this was an investment i'd say sell, because you don't throw good money after bad cause you already spent so much.

I don't care about her. She isn't here. I care about you. This is making you go insane. She's never going to calm down. This is the way she is. Get out, for your own good.

 

[rjames407]

Neil there are a lot of issues in the initial story and one or two things that worry me in the subsequent responses you have given.

I can absolutely appreciate the investment that you have made in relation to this women, in these areas I assume: time, money and emotion. I understand that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone and from my point of view what you are trying to do is to salvage a complex and (in my opinion) unhealthy relationship, not because you want to be with this woman but because you feel that you do not want to lose out on the investments you have made.

I could write a very long post on the issues here and my advice to address those, however I am going to summarise as best I can.

1. You mention that you are prone to depression yourself, my view is that one has to be happy with themselves before they can offer happiness/love to anyone else. My suggestion here would be to get some hobbies, spend more time with your children, try to forget about this woman and concentrate on making yourself happy without needing to have someone else to make you happy.

2. You mention that the woman is also prone to depression/low self esteem and has been in an unhealthy relationship. These are RED flags and believe me (i have experienced it) you will suffer and become an emotional crotch for this woman and it will be a dangerous downward spiral where both of you make each other even more depressed. This goes back to the original point that she needs to be happy with herself before she can make anyone else happy.

3. One of the things that stood out for me is that you are letting her get away with what she wants. I can sort of understand because again it is something i have experienced. But look at the facts, she is swinging between you and her husband, treating you like **** and she is losing respect for you and this is NEVER good.

4. Final point on this one, do not try to interfere with her existing relationship by using material you may have to try to prize her away from her husband. It more than likely will not work (and in any event there are far more significant and fundamental issues to be dealt with than merely prizing her away from her husband) and may cause more hurt/pain and issues for you.

So in summary: concentrate on sorting yourself out, let herself sort herself out, it may seem selfish and contrary to your instincts because of the investment you have made, but I think it is the best.

Good luck

 

[neil27264]

Sound advice

Hi guys and thanks for your resposes, greatly appreciated. I think just maybe because of the cultural differences and the terms I use I might have come over as a toal WUSS, as I did mention being depressed at some point in my life. I am quite outgoing and popular at work and one of the things that attracted this girl in the first place was my confidence. that and quite a bit of reading the DJ way of doing things Interesting you should mention her losing respect for me rjames407 as I think you hit the nail on the head there. i have done things to be the 'bad guy' at times, and that just pushed her away, having said that it was then always her who got in touch, and then I ended up apologising, sad but true. I do realise you guys have my best interests at heart here and the advice to bail out now is good advice. i think also that my male instinct to compete with her husband has had a lot to do with my 'hanging in there'. I have also always wondered this.... is it her husband who is a manipulative bully (she has said many times that he shouts at her in front of the kids and punches walls ect etc) or if it is her who is the manipulative one. Anyway i guess I will never know where the truth lies there and as you so rightly pointed out scrouds it is driving me insane. i am ok with my kids and I do have hobbies, golf and sailing, so I am not going completely nuts Suppose what I want is to have some kind of resolution here, some kind of closure. Seems I have choices here. 1. i can tell her to go and fck herself or just blank her and move on. 2. I can carry on letting her screw with my head and still end up with nothing. What do you guys think of option 3? that I carry on golfing, sailing and enjoying life with my kids, break all contact with her, wait 4 weeks till she is back from holiday and she gets in touch, which from her track record i know she will. then insist that she does things my way, and not take one single ounce of **** from her?

Neil

 

[neil27264]

just want to add, on the subject of investment, it is the kids that add to that feeling, not just my two but hers as well. Mine have been through me and their mum (mom for you guys from the states and though they have not suffered too much as we still both love and care about them, they have lost out financially and not had vacations etc that they would have had. Her kids have missed out too, as they are now going to be dragged back into an unhealthy marriage and have missed out on their mom being with someone who could make her happy. Before you guys start to shout at me i do really need to stop thinking this way don't I?? I find it damned hard though to stop turning it all over in my mind. Any tips on that??