Self-love

[resilient]

All those guys looking for a g/f (or s/o) and plates looking to make themselves feel complete should look to self-love first.

What makes a man attractive? When he's out there crushing his goals in top form: looks, money, status right? ... Well there's more to that.

Learning to accept yourself completely is important. Cultivate self-compassion, get up after falling -- every time. Don't lose hope! Continue your path forward and learn from your mistakes!

Women will reject you, again and again. One minute you're on top of a woman's world. Your scorecard reads 10/10... she feels she can't do better. You feel invincible. Then you begin to slip up gradually over time... you get comfortable, fail subtle (or not so) tests by her... lose frame. You lose focus from yourself and worry incessantly about how you should please her. She loses respect and begins her side search (or at least keep her eyes open) for a replacement that rocks her world emotionally and physically.

If you don't love yourself first, how do you expect another person to come in your life and love you? It's sounds like tough love, but your DJ soul needs it! You have to be the rock that she trusts she can lean on.

“how you love yourself is
how you teach others
to love you”
― Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

At the beginning of July, I was deceived, flaked and ghosted on by an attractive woman I had been considering making a main plate... I let my ego take a big hit. I got so invested in this one woman, hoping I can spin her attraction for me into a LTR; she fled. I foolishly let my self-esteem be decided by her acceptance of me. I was codependent and completely ignored self-love. Three things that helped me get out of that funk 1) join a kickboxing gym 2) I read this quote everyday sometimes more than once: "No matter what anybody says or does, I choose to accept and love myself, and everything about me." 3) get social again and give OLD a solid chance.

I hope this message helps those struggling in their relationships or with women of low-interest. Having high-interest and compassion in yourself first will carry you through dark times when you feel lost in your career, education, interests, faith in your spirituality, and dating life.

 

[BeExcellent]

What a refreshing thread. To the thoughts above I would add:

You attract what you ARE. If a person is experiencing problems with romantic pairings or partners for example, the best place to start looking for solutions is in the mirror. That's tough medicine but it's true. It's true for me and its true of us all.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

What needs to be said about this board is that (at the moment, and for the last year or two) probably 50-60% of the new guys are distinctly average in nearly every respect. Or, at least one respect of being a complete human being. And as I have said many times before, it's emotional stability.

Every time I see a guy bemoaning women or femmo culture, I just see a scared little boy who is afraid of the big bad wolf. Thus, they blame looks, money, status. Ahhhh. That feels better.

It's pathetic.

 

[M Musashi]

Good post.

Although I prefer to frame it in terms of it as self-respect. Perhaps I'm overly squemish about the L word, idk.

In any case, like any form of respect, self respect is earned rather than given. I can love myself all day - but I'm not respecting myself if I'm not getting up at 0530, going to the gym, eating properly, filtering friends, studying enough etc.

 

[wifehunter]

Whoops....pardon me, wrong thread.

I was expecting monkeys.

 

[fastlife]

+1

People here are always asking, So I found out about success, getting women, sexual dynamics, but what's the endgame? Spin plates forever? Cash out my chips with the best woman I can find?

The endgame--and it's not really an endgame but more the start of another one--is learning to practice unconditional self-acceptance. It's the becoming of someone you're excited to be when you wake up in the morning. Learning to prioritize your experience of yourself. You're never really there permanently--it's an unattainable destination, full of traps, slip-ups, backsliding--but it's possible to get closer & closer for greater lengths of time.

This world is full of disappointments & things beyond our control; people come & go; women flake; risks backfire. The only constant is the person you go to bed with every night & wake up with every morning. If you're not actively working to cultivate a better relationship with yourself, then you'll forever be at the sway of an external world that doesn't have your best interests at heart.

 

[resilient]

Tbh I don't think self esteem has much to do with seduction at all, real depends how it manifests. Very likely of course that a depressed or manic person will ruin a relationship.

Agree and yes, if someone isn't check of their own emotions and can't remain stable and balanced, there will instability in the relationship in the form of self-sabotaging. Usually at the result of overthinking, overanalyzing, putting too much effort and focus on the relationship and straying from one's own personal goals in favor of pleasing the other person.

...learning to practice unconditional self-acceptance. It's the becoming of someone you're excited to be when you wake up in the morning. Learning to prioritize your experience of yourself.

This. I've done a lot of deep inner work on acceptance the last year or so. I still feel like I have miles to go, yet feeling better than staying single as long as I have. Dipping in and out of monk mode a few times to course correct, I feel better and don't feel the "sting" of loss as hard when a plate bails. I realize there will be others and my goals are important. I have to strive towards them with or without someone there in my life that supports them.

.The only constant is the person you go to bed with every night & wake up with every morning. If you're not actively working to cultivate a better relationship with yourself, then you'll forever be at the sway of an external world that doesn't have your best interests at heart.

That is good. Keeping ourselves centered and grounded. We men... must become that rock. Strong and brave to take on the world and its challenges. We can't shy away from those fears, we fully embrace them!

 

[Dingo]

One thing I'll add...

Learn to be happy being by yourself. Externally and internally.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

What a refreshing thread. To the thoughts above I would add:

You attract what you ARE. If a person is experiencing problems with romantic pairings or partners for example, the best place to start looking for solutions is in the mirror. That's tough medicine but it's true. It's true for me and its true of us all.

Rich dudes with a heart of gold attract gold diggers

 

[fastlife]

Tbh I don't think self esteem has much to do with seduction at all, real depends how it manifests. Did the crazy hoes youve dated and tried to wife up have trouble attracting you? Do wacked out narcissistic players with no real internal value struggle to steal the girl next door from the nice guy? Very likely of course that a depressed or manic person will ruin a relationship eventually.

I think self-esteem has A LOT to do with seduction--or at least the emotional dynamics (i.e. 'chemistry') that determines whether a seduction takes place.

For instance, people with high self-esteem don't choose to associate with low self-esteem people for prolonged lengths of time--eventually the insecurity or negativity will cause them to bail. People with low self-esteem, likewise, dislike being around self-fulfilled, positive people--since that contrast calls into question the validity of their own worldview and feels 'off' to them.

As far as the numbers game, if you're just trying to get laid with as many women as possible, you'll get more mileage out of being narcissistic, emotionally turbulent, a little dysfunctional, being emotionally distant or using devalidation, etc.--since most people have insecurities that will generate the strongest emotional pull when they come face to face with their source triggers. Repetition compulsion & emotional resonance and all that.

However, by the same token, emotionally well-adjusted people (and, again, they're more rare since life usually isn't conducive to providing circumstances that make this someone's emotional default--and even good girls like bad boys, etc.) are generally repelled by any overt or prolonged displays of neediness, manipulation, negativity, etc.

Pragmatically, I think it's important to be able to recognize the emotional dynamics that make people tick (including yourself!)--and to be able to cater to an extent to both sides of that coin, while maintaining standards & being realistic about the longterm consequences of dealing with such people.

 

[jaymbrs]

My problem is I love myself too much. I dismiss women and friends without a thought the instance they do something against me. Women aren't high on my priority list and they see that. There's initial attraction from them but then they realize that I'm serious about not really making time for them and then they lose interest. That's the cycle I'm currently in.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

In my opinion the problem is one of proportion - one either loves themselves too much, or not enough. And I think both of these disproportions is tied to the ego - it perceives itself proudly as the absolute center, or it is in grief for having somehow lost that, and resents some circumstance or another.

The proportionate position is to love something greater than yourself, and the only object that could really be worthy of that would be an Absolute Being such as God.

It's a question of logic really.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

This. Self-respect always comes before self-love. I can be an obese loser sitting in my mom's basement and say I love myself but I would be lieing to myself. Once I started getting clear on my priorities and working hard on my life, I started to garner genuine self-respect which then lead to self-love. But not the type of love where it is care bear and **** but the self-love where I understand my worth and will stand up for myself in situations where it is needed.

Self respect and dignity are important. The Greeks did not name us Anthropod [the animal that looks up] for no reason. Homo Sapien is an interesting term also... the thinking rational man. Our lives, and our inter-relations, only make sense within a wider context. We are losing the context today, and where the self no longer finds fulfilment, satisfaction and substance, it must try to annihilate itself in distractions and addictions.

 

[IKO69]

That's the root of the problem. If guys had enough self love/respect they would not placate to women. A lot of supplicating goes on to get the approval of women.

 

[resilient]

I’ve been doing some deep inner game work lately. Healing old wounds of codependency and overall neediness. I’m repairing much needed self-love that has been absent for so long because I always chasing an external source looking to be fulfilled rather than give love from a place of love.

I truly feel that if I can continue the growth needed, I will change the type of women I’m attracted to and whom are attracted to me. In other words, if I can learn to become more self-confident and trusting in myself, healthy and emotionally stable, I’ll attract a mate in similar respects.

I posted this quote in another thread and it’s too perfect to not include in this thread as well. This morning, I saw this is in a friends Instagram story and wanted to share it with you guys.

‘’Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energy of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more you love who you are, the less you seek validation and approval.”