Self fulfilling prophecy, and preventing it

[LuisGarcia10]

Ok, I'm going to avoid giving you guys my life story but a little background info helps me explain my situation.
Until I was about 21 I'd never even made out with a girl, I was overweight, and due to my lack of success with girls I was really bad at talking to girls in a romantic way, I was their friend everyone. Eventually I lost weight, got lucky and made friends with a guy who is very good with girls, he's now become my best friend. He introduced me to my first girlfriend, the relationship lasted about 3 months until she randomly dumped me because apparently the "spark had gone out of the relationship," I met a girl about a year later, she randomly dumped me again, similar situation, and the same thing has literally happened to me again today.
I'm good at meeting girls, I'm pretty good at sleeping with girls, I'd say one a month roughly, but as soon as I start to like them, I get paranoid that it's going to end the same way that it has done in the past, which I think causes me to act needy, which in turn causes me to get dumped, it's a vicious cycle and one that I'm really struggling to get out of. It's really depressing me now! I'm no brad Pitt but I'm not bad looking, decent physique, good job for my age, clearly my attributes aren't the problem because I can meet girls, and they're usually good looking, nice girls, but everytime it ends te same way, and it usually doesn't even take very long for it to happen.
I'm honestly at the point now where I'm considering therapy to try and counter this as its driving me ****ing nuts, has anyone else experienced something similar? And if so how did you deal with it? It's like I can't programme my brain to function any differently, I almost feel destine to go through the same thing again, and again, and it's not a pleasant experience!

 

[In10se]

Sounds to me like an inner game issue, girls are far more perceptive than you may realize. You need to be confident and take charge of things you want to do with your girls. Its unfortunate that even in a relationship there are still games to be played, eventually you can find a chill, stable girl who is not an emotional whirlwind. I find the most down to earth chicks are ones that had to make it on their own, younger than most people. They are grounded, responsible and usually tell it how it is, girls that are coddled and have limited world views typically have the mentality of a 13 year old. Its frustrating, and unfortunate...feel free to read my most recent post about the biggest mind**** I've ever encountered.

 

[BigSmooth]

You're just too worried about the outcome brother.

So much stress, so much overanalzying, so much time wasted...and for what? The outcome is that she dumps you.


So stop worrying so much. If the relationship was meant to happen, it will happen. You are not there to force anything. It especially won't help if she notices you being so tense and fidgety all the time and she WILL notice that your mind is always wandering and not being in the present.

So BE in the present. Just go with the flow. Enjoy the ride. Follow your instincts.

Don't let overanalyzing be your enemy and downfall to all your relationships.



If you start to like a girl, just like her. Stop thinking about every little thing that might happen.


And I have one question, are these relationships your primary source of happiness in your life? Because to me it feel like you are putting in so much time and effort into NOT screwing a relationship up because it is the only thing that is enjoyable in your life that you end up screwing the relationship up anyways.

 

[Iron]

And I have one question, are these relationships your primary source of happiness in your life? Because to me it feel like you are putting in so much time and effort into NOT screwing a relationship up because it is the only thing that is enjoyable in your life that you end up screwing the relationship up anyways.

I second this. Also, is it not enough for you to follow the "hit it and quit it" routine? If you are looking for something more long term, perhaps you have endurance issues. What I mean is that you might be good at sparking initial attraction, but it begins to slide after time as you get more comfortable. It could be that your efforts to not screw up the relationship are running counter to what attracted the girl in the first place. Do you notice your behavior changing as time goes on?

 

[LuisGarcia10]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

You guys are mosty spot on, I worry about the relationship ending and, as a result cause it to end. I'm aware how perceptive girls are, it's just become an almost natural cycle which I'm finding tricky to break.

Relationships are far from the only source of happiness I have, I've got lots of good friends and only recently got back fom a 2 week holiday in Los Angeles, so I've got other stuff going on. It's just that I used to be so bad with girls that it's all still quite new to me, it took me 22 years to finally get a girlfriend, the natural reaction for me is still to try to hold onto a relationship, even though the majority of the time I'm probably actually more of a 'catch' than the girl I'm dating, I still manage to screw it up! The most recent girl actually began paranoid that I'd dump her, then I guess through time, with my attitude, she realised that was never going to happen.

It's a hard cycle to get out of, one thing I am definitely doing in future is avoiding text messages, if I send one and don't get a response I stress about it a lot, then eventually crack and send another message etc . I don't need people to tell me this is a bad idea, it's just what I do! So in future I'm gonna try and keep it to phoe calls, shouldn't be too hard seeing as I can't use my phone at work anyway...

I think keeping busy in my spare time wil help, weight lifting raises testosterone levels and gives me an "I'm the ****" attitude, which I guess will make me less paranoid about being dumped!

If I could crack this I'd be really happy! The last girl really seemed a good catch and messing it up has depressed me a little, although as others have said, if it she was that amazing then she wouldn't have dumped me!

Thanks for the help, and onto the next girl I guess! It's just really annoying for it to happen 3 times in a row! And with my current line of work it is hard to meet girls, so finding quality girls is really quite tricky!

 

[seethehoop]

I think if you really wanted to get to the route of this issue you would need to give some background info. It seems to me that you may have some abandonment issues, were you largely ignored growing up? Maybe from you mother's side?

I know what that can be like but for me I went the other way. It was my father that ignored me but I drew strength and indipendance from it. However, I have been told I push people away when things go bad. Personally, I see it that they want to feel like they are contributing to my well being but I really feel like I'm ok and don't need to lean on them emotionally.

Any ways thats my psyche and we are looking at yours. Just saying if you put some background info up someone may be able to relate and help you resolve any inner issues.