"Seeing someone" vs "Dating Someone" is there a difference?

[PRMoon]

I had a phone call from a girl I use to hang out with and she posed this question to me and until now I've never really thought about it. The conversation of dating was brought up and she asked me if I was dating some one. I told her not really, and she replied with "oh you're just seeing someone or some people" and for some reason it struck accord with me.

The topic of this discussion is where does seeing someone become dating some one and if there's a difference where is that line? How do you know if you've crossed it or are in one into the other? I for one say I am seeing a couple girls but we're not really exclusive persay which would equal a "dating" status for me. I have however heard of people who are "seeing" just one person. Does it make it less formal ie you're free to see other people OR is it just slang to this person were seeing and dating are the same thing?

Discuss.

 

[Porky]

In my opinion no, there is no difference. I imagine that a lot of girls would see there to be a big difference though, and would equate "dating someone" with being exclusive.

I had a female friend of mine tell me recently that it was impossible to date somebody without being exclusive with them, which didn't make any sense to me.

 

[penkitten]

seeing
dating
going with
going out with
sleeping with
its all the same to me

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Absolutely there's a difference. It's alright to see several people at once while people tend to get into trouble when they date multiple people. The main difference is exclusivity (or lack of).

 

[PRMoon]

Absolutely there's a difference. It's alright to see several people at once while people tend to get into trouble when they date multiple people. The main difference is exclusivity (or lack of).

Okay so lets say this is true. Can I then use the fact that "we're just seeing each other" If a girl i've gone out with or whatever catches me out with another girl who i'm also seeing? In Pen K's mind they're synonomus terms so I could potentially get in trouble with one or the other.

Also do you have to expressively say that you and whoever you're dating are exclusive or do you some how know that this is the case? I mean I know girls who only date one person at a time and assume the same about their psudo-boyfirend even if such thing have not been discussed. I'm also willing to wager that you could use "we're just seeing each other" as a loop hole if you do get busted out with another girl.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Okay so lets say this is true. Can I then use the fact that "we're just seeing each other" If a girl i've gone out with or whatever catches me out with another girl who i'm also seeing? In Pen K's mind they're synonomus terms so I could potentially get in trouble with one or the other.

Also do you have to expressively say that you and whoever you're dating are exclusive or do you some how know that this is the case? I mean I know girls who only date one person at a time and assume the same about their psudo-boyfirend even if such thing have not been discussed. I'm also willing to wager that you could use "we're just seeing each other" as a loop hole if you do get busted out with another girl.

What works for me is never implying exclusivity with a woman to get my way. I play it like women who go out with several guys at one time, I'm weighing my options while having a good time.

If a woman chooses to stop seeing other guys while seeing me, it's her prerogative not mine. I make sure I stay away from women who believe that because she chooses to see one guy at a time and assumes that he will do the same, there's an underlying control or self-esteem issue. Luckily, being immunized against one-itis helps. Besides, if she was truly interested in exclusivity she'd bring it up, women do that.

Talking about current prospects is as bad as talking about past relationships, I suggest sticking by your guns and refuse to say anything about it if she brings it up. An the other hand, if she brings up the two of you that's another thing altogether.

 

[penkitten]

Okay so lets say this is true. Can I then use the fact that "we're just seeing each other" If a girl i've gone out with or whatever catches me out with another girl who i'm also seeing? In Pen K's mind they're synonomus terms so I could potentially get in trouble with one or the other.

Also do you have to expressively say that you and whoever you're dating are exclusive or do you some how know that this is the case? I mean I know girls who only date one person at a time and assume the same about their psudo-boyfirend even if such thing have not been discussed. I'm also willing to wager that you could use "we're just seeing each other" as a loop hole if you do get busted out with another girl.

when i was in high school a guy asked me if i wanted to go out sometime. i said sure. we talked alot more and hung out alot more after that. i kept waiting for him to let me know what day and time this going out thing was going to happen. after about a week, he never specifically told me when the actual date was, another guy asked me if i would like to go to the movies on friday night. i said sure. why not right?
the first guy got his panties in a wad and got very upset on me for "cheating" on him when we were going out. i tried to argue the point that we were not really going anywhere because he never set a date, that basically we were hanging out. however, he didnt see it that way. he shouted out that i was suppose to be his gf. i never remember being asked that.
anyhow, the entire school thought i was some low down dirty cheating ho.

so dating , going out, going with, seeing etc is all considered the same in these parts of the woods. most people eventually have a talk on being exclusive if they like each other enough, even if it is lame and turns out like the talk i had.

 

[PRMoon]

Well pen, I understand how something like that might have turned out badly in HS. In our adolesence, reason and reasonability are often lost in juvenality. I can't think of a single time from college onward where a girl has said we'll go out sometime and not at least followed up with a phone call in the next few days and we've gone out. More over, if a girl says we'll go out some time and I never hear from her...well it's a big city and if by chance I do see her again it's pretty much like we're back to square one or square 1 1/2 cause we kinda know each other. I doubt If met a girl and told her we'll go out sometime or vice versa, and nothing came of it then i saw her, again vice versa situational swap being true, neither of us would flip out if we saw the other person with someone else. Though I'm not saying this COULDN'T happen. Obviously the complete opposite of what I've said can and certianly will be true from time to time.

Fransico- How would you know if the girl implys exclusivity or not? I've met more then my fair share of small town girls who have grown up that way where, after a date it's assumed that the two of you are exclusive, even if a verbal implication was not implied. Though most modern and dare I say SANE women will do as you implied, some of that small town stuff carries over to city life here in las vegas anyway. I can usually spot a small town girl off the bat so I avoid them altogether out of fear of shot gun weddings, but one of my friends did fall into that trap before in the past if I recall.

I would NEVER speak or imply about other women (other then exes) to a girl I was out on a date with or was currently dating. Nothing good can possibly come from this. Exes is just talking about your past and therefore yourself and where you've been. Talking about the present is where you are now, and if that's with another women, usually rage and anger are the feelings brought up in the date because of this instead of intrest, which is what you're going for.

We'll do a scenerio to aid us a for practicality purposes.

You had what appeared to be a great date with a girl who's relatively attractive. You have a good time date ends well with a kiss and I'll call you soon we'll do this again for sure.

A few days later you go on another date with a different girl who's equaly attractive in a different area. You're having a good time things are progressine well. Then out of no where the girl you had been on a date a few days prior shows up and walks up to you.

Now you exchanged no words of exclusivity with either, but the situation is a little tense. Obviously the first girl has come over to say hello to you but what's this? you're with another girl! What is she going to say to you? What is your other date going to say to you or to her? More importantly how do you explain/dissolve the situation in the best possible way so you can continue to explore building a relationship with both of these girls (prehaps with the future intentions of chosing one if you're into that) in the best possible manner?

Continue discussion.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
Fransico- How would you know if the girl implys exclusivity or not? I've met more then my fair share of small town girls who have grown up that way where, after a date it's assumed that the two of you are exclusive, even if a verbal implication was not implied. Though most modern and dare I say SANE women will do as you implied, some of that small town stuff carries over to city life here in las vegas anyway. I can usually spot a small town girl off the bat so I avoid them altogether out of fear of shot gun weddings, but one of my friends did fall into that trap before in the past if I recall....

I too try my best to sidestep small town women who are fresh off of the farm. It would be like setting a lamb in front of a wolf; easy pickings but you're still hungry afterwards.

If a woman is completely into you she will lay claim to you both physically and verbally. She'll take you places to show you off in front of people who she would want to impress including her close friends and family. I remember "seeing" a woman for a few weeks and ending up at her sister's house for Christmas dinner with her entire family! Can you say "show time!!!"

Women will lay claim to your body also. They'll hold on to you in public a little more, they'll get really quiet if you are talking to a saleswoman just to study how you normally interact with women (to determine if you are a genuine flirt and whether she can deal with it). I've also had women tell me "Francisco, I don't care if you see other women, just don't tell me and don't sleep with them..." I'm a guy so I hear "You can sleep with other women, just don't tell me." I readily agree, I'm a gentleman y'know...

In a nutshell, keep an eye out for her becoming a bit more possessive for your attention. Also keep your ears open on whether many topics of conversation flow around the two of you in the future. This doesn't necessarily mean talk about wedding invitations and caterers, just plans going beyond what you guys should do the weekend after next or the near future.

...A few days later you go on another date with a different girl who's equaly attractive in a different area. You're having a good time things are progressine well. Then out of no where the girl you had been on a date a few days prior shows up and walks up to you...

Been there. That's why I don't go to my regular hangouts with women I'm seeing. I go out of my way for us to go places out of my way. But when it did come up, I played it cool and introduced them, WITHOUT DESIGNATION. I mean I just say "Carmen this is Sylvia; Sylvia Carmen." I completely leave out the designation "This is my friend..." It's a tell tale sign of a coverup.

Also, I control the conversation. I don't let either one of them start asking questions of the other. I ask the who walks up what she's up to and I tell her that we are just hanging out. Then I tell the other girl that it was nice that she stopped by and that she should call me sometime. Yep, I actually say that.

After saying our goodbyes and parting our separate ways I tell the woman that I'm with (before she asks) "Carmen and I hang out sometimes" and I leave it at that. More times than not she'll ask what do we do together and I'll tell her "She's the mistress I hang out with on Thursdays" our something else outrageous. These things are just some of the way's that a guy can show that he's confident, comedic and a commodity.

 

[PRMoon]

The second part I like. Keep it casual, no labels, good follow up close all good things. What if it doesn't go so smoothly though. Lets say you introduce them, or better yet before you introduce them one of them speaks to the other and ask how she knows you and what your relations are. It would seem anything other then "we're cousins" would be kind of sticky and lead to evaluations. If she says "oh we're on a date" or worse "we're dating" how do you get out of that bind?

The first section, I'd wager thins are not always so cut and dry. I've been on enough dates and shown girls a good time to excess but they won't make bold moves like claiming me for their own after the first couple dates. This is the nature of the game (in my region at least). I've gone on several quality dates with girls ending with and leading to other dates but haven't met the fam and have only casually met some of her friends (her as in other cases no one specific) Lets say, for arguments sake, that she makes no idications that she's marked you as her property, but has mentally convinced herself that this is the case. You don't know this but this is how things stand with her. Does it make her crazy? I don't think so just because that's how she conducts herself socially, but is it not inexcusable when they have out burst if they see you with someone else similar to what pen described? It's like an invisible line in the dirt that you don't know you've crossed. For her it's there but you don't know it. Like a bad catch 22.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

The second part I like. Keep it casual, no labels, good follow up close all good things. What if it doesn't go so smoothly though. Lets say you introduce them, or better yet before you introduce them one of them speaks to the other and ask how she knows you and what your relations are. It would seem anything other then "we're cousins" would be kind of sticky and lead to evaluations. If she says "oh we're on a date" or worse "we're dating" how do you get out of that bind?

Again, it's your job to control (rather, command) the conversation, don't let the ladies bulldog you. Are you going to let a woman arbitrarily tell you that you're dating? Don't you have some say in it? Are you going to let her tell the world that you're going to marry and that she's going to have your baby? If she steps out of line, calmly put her back into her place. If she lies and says that you're dating just say "Carmen, you know that isn't true." It's not, is it? You're just seeing one another.

The first section, I'd wager thins are not always so cut and dry. I've been on enough dates and shown girls a good time to excess but they won't make bold moves like claiming me for their own after the first couple dates. This is the nature of the game (in my region at least). I've gone on several quality dates with girls ending with and leading to other dates but haven't met the fam and have only casually met some of her friends (her as in other cases no one specific) Lets say, for arguments sake, that she makes no indications that she's marked you as her property, but has mentally convinced herself that this is the case. You don't know this but this is how things stand with her. Does it make her crazy? I don't think so just because that's how she conducts herself socially, but is it not inexcusable when they have out burst if they see you with someone else similar to what pen described? It's like an invisible line in the dirt that you don't know you've crossed. For her it's there but you don't know it. Like a bad catch 22.

True, it may not always be that cut and dry; especially if you are seeing a girl who readily plays games (I avoid them). Now if you are constantly showing them a good time without them pulling their own weight that's a problem of your own doing. You're falling to the stereotypical romanticized trap that women expect you to do. It's the same things that the guys before you did with them and the same things the guys after you will do for her.

Whenever a person no matter the gender creates expectations of their partner without their partner's knowledge, they are just setting themselves up for failure. Even though their intentions aren't malicious (hopefully), I still consider this game playing. Specifically, a lack of maturity. Isn't it common sense that if someone has something you want, you ask for it? Yeah, I know most women "expect" their guys to just know things but it's our job to set them straight. We aren't mind readers.

When I'm seeing a woman, I have no expectations. If I want something from her, I tell her. If I don't like her actions, I let her know. I also let her know that I expect the same from her. If she's not woman enough to clue me in without b1tching, I let her go.

I'm getting the feeling that you aren't as selective as you could be with the women you've seen in the past or at least you haven't considered what type of woman you should see. Take some time and consider the personal qualities of a woman you'd like to see for an extended period of time. Sarging those types of women may cut down on the amount of hypothetical experiences you are concerned with.

 

[PRMoon]

Words to live by Fransico thanks

For the record none of this really applies to me, I'm pretty good at dating and when situations like this arrise, more of then not, out of instinct, I'll find a good way to bail myself out (or take the time to dismiss one girl or the other if i wasn't intrested anyway). I just enjoy hearing other people's thoughts on hypothetical situations just to see what paths others take. Kinda like having a different weapon in your inventory if it's good enough. There isn't enough of that sort of thing going around the board these days.

The conclusion I've drawn from what's turned into an interview with an exprienced DJ is simply this. There IS a difference between seeing some one and dating them. The most imporant person in determining this is the DJ himself, and it's therefore your responsibility and duty make the rules around this with the people you're seeing or dating. The DJ in needs to determine who they're seeing and who they're dating and act according via setting boundaries, enforcing said bountries and following up these enforcments with discipline where necessary even if it means cutting the prospect lose and starting over again. Being too rigid on these rulings may keep you alone so make sure that your standards concerning this are firm but realistic. So it is stated and so it is done.

Discussion over.