Second flake, did I handle this right?

[SmoothTalker]

I've previously talked about this girl but for those that haven't been following, some info. I met her in early December, we talked a bit before Christmas but didn't hang out til January because we were both busy. IL seemed very high since meeting her and during the first date, as well as for about a week after it. First date went great, we had fun and ended with some pretty heavy making out, and she sincerely said she had a lot of fun and wanted to see me again, and also agreed enthusiastically to another date when we talked a few days later.

Shortly after this, problems started all of a sudden. Second date was set for Monday, we talked briefly Friday and everything seemed good. Didn't talk Saturday, then Sunday she mentioned being sick and said she wasn't sure if Monday would work. Monday she cancelled a few hours before the date, and I played it cool because I figured she might actually be sick given the previous high IL. I said it was good that she cancelled because something had come up for me too, and then didn't talk to her for a few days. On Thursday I spoke with her and suggested we try again, which she said she was interested in, however I sensed some hesitation/reluctance. Not being in the mood to play if she's going to drag her heels, I told her, "If something's changed and you're not interested feel free to say so, it's cool." I was hoping to convey that I was interested but didn't need her. She replied that everything was "still good" but she was just very tired and busy. So the only time we could set up a date any time soon was for today (Monday). That worked for me, though I was a bit annoyed because she said she couldn't do my original suggestion of Saturday, and then I noticed she was online on msn quite a bit Saturday and from FB I could see she was home and not too busy all day. Fine, whatever, I ended up having fun with friends Saturday anyway.

At this point we haven't talked since setting up the date Thursday, and this morning I get a message from her saying
"hey, something happened this weekend that made me realize I'm not ready to start dating again. I'm really sorry. "

I replied with:
"Hi HerName,

A bit more notice would have been nice , but okay lol.

Best of luck with whatever is going on in your life and if you come around, let me know. I thought you were pretty fun so if I happen to be single I'd think about it.

Come to think of it you're fun enough that maybe we could be friends, though in that case you'd have to pay your half of any adventures haha.

Cheers,
me"

Now I have other girls in my life but she was definitely the most fun and hottest, and the one I thought had the most potential, so I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit disappointed here.

We didn't talk about it because I'm not going to sit there and talk to her about other guys, but she's a very good writer who publishes journal entries/ stories on her website and I read through those out of curiousity when we originally met because she really is a great writer. What I gathered from those and tiny bits of our conversation is that she was in a very long term LDR with some guy she met online, who lives out of the country. I thought they had broken up, but I think she is still hung up on him. I'm really not sure what she sees in that relationship, but that's not my problem. Still, I'm fairly sure that's the thing that 'came up' over the weekend, she spent Saturday online talking to him.

Anyway, what now? I'm planning on backing off for a while and letting her figure out that this LDR is pointless on her own. But I can't exactly come back in a few weeks and ask if she's dating yet? How long should I wait before trying again, how should I bring it back up when I do, or, should I just wait for her to let me know as I said in the message. I do know from when she had high IL that even when she's interested she is not the type to initiate (hot and knows it, so she's not accustomed to taking the lead) so doing this I would probably miss out.

Thoughts?

 

[Kal0051]

she's either back with the old guy or found a new one. Personally I wouldn't have even offered friendship. Best case situation now is she never contacts you again; worst case if she tries to make you her new gf.

 

[Kailex]

Personally, and this is just me, I wouldn't even have responded at all to her message. I would have started NC as SOON as I saw that message from her. You gave her TOO much of a response, but again, I would have deleted her message, her phone number and any other trace of her immediately.

Keep spinning, even if they aren't as "hot".

 

[AMDG]

"hey, something happened this weekend that made me realize I'm not ready to start dating again"

Thoughts?

You missed the rest of the phrase "with you, because of that guy"

In such a case simply ignore her - a reply is pointless.

 

[SmoothTalker]

No I didn't miss that, I'm well aware from past experience that this sort of thing means they're seeing someone else.

I just sincerely doubt that will last or go anywhere because come on.. how many online LDRs do you know that go anywhere, especially when one of the people is a hot girl and the other is some nerdy guy?

 

[Iceberg]

I just sincerely doubt that will last or go anywhere because come on.. how many online LDRs do you know that go anywhere, especially when one of the people is a hot girl and the other is some nerdy guy?

Yeah. But why do you care what happens in her relationship? She ended things with you. You are out of the equation.

Don't feel bad. You didn't handle it in a terrible way. But you don't want to go asking a girl to be her backup plan. If you were on her mind, she'd find a way to get in touch with you anyway. She doesn't need you saying, "It's okay that you dumped me. Just consider me in the future!" It just makes you look weak.

 

[Ease]

She wont figure out anything, but she will cheat/move on depending on the guy/situation.

Sounds like you blew out and reached the end of the road, her message was pretty clear and straight forward.

However, for laughs, you should see the funny side and try a complete reframe.

'Yea totally i feel the same. So drinks on monday night? Il pick you up at 8'.

Try it and return with results, id love to see if that if that works haha.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Iceberg, what are you talking about? She didn't 'dump' me because we were never in a relationship to begin with. I was still seeing other people and I didn't know or care whether she was doing the same. You can't dump somebody you've been on one date with.

I understand why you don't want to crawl back to somebody that dumped you but if you're CASUALLY seeing somebody and for whatever reason they want to stop, if that changes in the future I don't see what's wrong with giving it another go?

The way you've described it, a chick has to commit to you forever from the first date and if that's ever broken she's gone forever.. Possessive much?

Ease, not a bad idea but I think it's a bit late now that I already sent the message I sent.

 

[jophil28]

...then Sunday she mentioned being sick and said she wasn't sure if Monday would work. Monday she cancelled a few hours before the date....

She had decided to cancel your Monday date long before she talked to you on Sunday. Step#1 in her cancel plans was telling you that she was sick and Monday might not work. Then when she cancelled Monday, she executed Step#2.
You will learn to decode 'womenspeak' a little better with more practise and more experience.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Again you guy should really give me a bit more credit. I'm well aware now that the 'i'm feeling sick' line on Sunday was just the ground work to make the flake excuse more believable the next day. However at the time I did give her the benefit of the doubt because aside from that things had been great and, like it or not, sometimes people don't feel well.

I also sensed the second flake coming, which is why when I was remaking the second date I gave her an out, "We're doing this and that at this time on this day. But if you're not interested I have other options so just let me know and stop wasting both our time." Not in so many word, but that was basically the message, though I don't understand at that time why she didn't take the chance if she later came out and did it anyway.

I'm not trying to be rude here but I'm a little confused as to why most replies are trying to help me decode the ******** when I was pretty clear on most of it.
We've established that despite a good start she has lost interest, and I know from information that is not available to you, that this is almost certainly due to her resparking with an ex. This sucks but is understandable, despite no contact with the x being good advice, MANY of us have broken it ourselves because well, it's often rather tempting. I know it took me many tries and months to get over my most serious relationship even though it was ****.

So I'm annoyed but not really mad at her because I've been there myself, and I appreciate the honesty (though it would have been nice earlier). However I don't agree with the posters saying she 'dumped' me because IMO you need to be in a relationship before you are dumpable.

My question is NOT about what happened or what caused it, I understand both. My question is, given what happened and why, what's a good game plan. Obviously I am not going to beg/plead or convince her to date me, but I can read IL pretty damn well by now and I know that before this ex business flared up, she was very interested, as was I.

So please, unless you have advice/tips on how to proceed and maximize my chances of dating/banging her in the future assuming I'm not with someone else by that time, I don't need explanations of what happened.

 

[Iceberg]

Iceberg, what are you talking about? She didn't 'dump' me because we were never in a relationship to begin with. I was still seeing other people and I didn't know or care whether she was doing the same. You can't dump somebody you've been on one date with.

I understand why you don't want to crawl back to somebody that dumped you but if you're CASUALLY seeing somebody and for whatever reason they want to stop, if that changes in the future I don't see what's wrong with giving it another go?

The way you've described it, a chick has to commit to you forever from the first date and if that's ever broken she's gone forever.. Possessive much?

It's not that I expect a woman to commit to me forever. It's that I don't expect her to agree to meet me for a date, and then flake out on it to go pursue another man. Especially a few hours before the date. Yeah...that's a bad sign.

If she said, "I don't want to start dating right now, because I'm working in Peace Corp in Peru for 2 months." That's fine. Maybe you'd want to give that a second chance. But you suspect this is over some guy.

And it's cool if you wanna try to work something out with her in the future. But I'm just saying, what do you gain from giving her an invite to try you out again after she straightens out this other relationship. And what I mean by that is....if she wants to see you again in the future, she'll track you down. You don't really have to say "If you are single in the future, keep in touch." If she's gonna do it, she'll do it...So, it's not like this situation hurts you in any way. I just don't like seeing a guy put the ball in a girl's court like that.

 

[SmoothTalker]

Iceberg, yeah I agree, not too impressed by the flaking. I guess I am just lenient with the putting me on the back burner to pursue another guy thing because I do the same to girls, and when I do it I'm not disrespecting them, I'm just focusing on what I want at the moment. Whenever the girl I was focusing on leaves the picture for whatever reason I don't feel like I'm settling for the other girls, I'm just going back to other plates in my life.

My main disagreement is that if she wants to track me down she would. Yes if she REALLY wanted to I'm sure she would, but some women, particularly attractive ones, are not really used to taking the initiative. I can see situations where if we happen to recontact at the right time it could go somewhere even though she wouldn't have personally gone out of her way to track me down because well I don't think she's the kind of girl that does that. I can see what you mean about putting the ball in her court but yeah overall I don't think this will be a big issue either way.

Bottom line is we had potential but an ex can push emotional buttons I couldn't after only one date. If it works out then great, if not, no hard feelings. However if we try to date in the future flake tolerance will definitely be zero.

 

[romanticman]

.....

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Smoothtalker. You should have never mentioned friends in my opinion. When she said she wasnt ready you should have politely asked why?What happened.
Make her feel to explain herself and get her emotions high again.
If you can ..talk to her about the good time you two had and relive it with her...get her wanting you again by stirring her emotions for you.
Good luck man.

That advice sounds awful.

Ask what happened? Re-live the one date they had together? Sounds like a romance novel.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I see what you were thinking with the whole deal; you've only been on one date and you wanted to leave the door open if she was open to reconnecting in the future. Nothing wrong with that and its good that you didn't lose your cool or act like a chump.

However I think you were a little too "understanding" after her second flake. As others have mentioned, you either don't respond at all or if you must respond just say something short and to the point. With what you said you let her off the hook for flaking on you twice and made it seem like no big deal. Its a slippery slope in these situations, you don't want to get mad, but you also don't want to just take the blow at make her feel like its okay. Somewhere in between is best but for most guys its hard to find that medium in their response. Which takes us back to the best way to react: no response!

However, you didn't make any fatal mistakes and if this relationship she's got with this other dude is LD, she'll probably try and reconnect with you in the future.

Keep doing your thing and meeting new girls, you'll forget all about her very soon.




PIMP

 

[SmoothTalker]

I agree, no offence romanticmen, but I assume you're a troll?

What you described is about the worst possible course of action. You probably should never ask why even when a long term relationship ends, but frankly after one date she owes me no explanations.

Anyway I'm just going to assume you were trolling or sarcastic.

Edit: Pimp, yeah sometimes I struggle with finding the right medium. I was going for the "show you're unaffected because you have other options" message and I thought I had delivered it, but perhaps not. I also realize the dangers of being too forgiving but I figured there was no need to cause drama if this whole book was closed, and if it isn't then I will definitely be very careful in the future to make it clear that there are boundaries and not to push them.

As for not responding or just sending something short. I don't know, maybe it's a matter of opinion, but I just don't agree with this option. If I send somebody a message that I can be pretty sure they won't like, and they either ignore it or give a short reply like "Fine" or "Okay, bye", to me that says pretty clearly that it got to them. However if they can respond like nothing is wrong, I might be convinced. But again, matter of opinion and perspective I suppose.


Anyway just thought I'd give you guys an update, she responded to my message a few hours later.

Heya,

I'm very sorry about the lack of notice. I'm very good at second guessing myself . Thanks so much for understanding.

I'd love to be friends, I had a great time with you when we went out (and definitely, I'd pay for my half of the adventuring in this case =P).

Thanks again,
Her

Now my choice is, take her up on friends, because she genuinely is the sort of fun person I can be friends with easily, or don't. I am thinking to back off for a while then hang out, not pushy but just fun and flirty. She definitely was/is attracted to me so we'd see how it goes and if nothing else I get a fun friend. I actually could use one of those, most of mine have been too broke/busy studying/ tied down with relationships lately to have much fun.

 

[romanticman]

..........

 

[SmoothTalker]

I apologise smooth. I am not a troll. Ill just watch and learn. But I can say that I have used what I posted and the results were dynamite. Even if it doesnt fit in with all the theory here. I am just trying to help but ill keep quiet for now.

Okay, I'll bite. Can you describe the dynamite results you got by doing this? Maybe giving her an emotional rush helped you out.

But still, I imagine in that case you had a bit more history with the girl.

In the past I used this to respark things with an ex (terrible mistake) and yes it does get her feeling again, but I found this to be rather temporary anyway, so kind of pointless.

 

[romanticman]

...........

 

[romanticman]

ok I am delelting my posts. Ill just watch in future..I am still learning in here.