Said she had feelings for me then rejected later...

[magui86770]

I have a female friend who I have develop feelings for, but was currently dating someone. So, I never pursue anything out of respect of the friendship. However, when we got together one on one, she was flirty and touchy with me...stroking my back, stroking my beard. I was like WTF?? I never call her out of it, which was a mistake. I eventually told her how I felt after she broke up. She told me she also had feelings for me, but was going through some stuff and wanted me to wait, which I agree. Knew it was a mistake to agree after a few days, but gave her some time. But, I could tell that our relationship had changed. So, after about a month, I straight up ask her when she'll be ready? She tells me she wants to stay friends because she ruins all her relationships(BS answer). I then ask when was she was going to tell me this and she told me she figured I would bring up our relationship status again and tell me then. So, if I had taken a leap of faith and never question our status, she would have never have told me.

This has lead me to question our entire friendship. Looking back, I was always the one making plans with her. Was she getting attention from me as a substitute when her boyfriend wasn't providing it? And what friend would let me hanging in wind and not tell me straight up about the change in heart? Makes me feel used and abused. =\

I want to avoid all contact her now which I am trying but she'll occassional send me texts and I have to see her in kickboxing class twice a week and have mutual friends.

It's tough right now and but I am getting over it. Rejection sucks when they don't have feelings for you, but what happens when they admit they having feelings for you but still turn you down?!?! Was it a lie??

A few more details about my story...

I told her how I felt before I left on a week vacation. She was still with her boyfriend, but I needed to get it off my chest. I told her I wasn't expecting anything from her and that I needed to tell her how I felt. She told she was glad I told her and that no matter what happens, she didn't want to lose our friendship. And she's with her boyfriend, still!

I take my trip and everyday on my trip she texted me( hows the trip, let me know when get back, etc.)and I responded. I was like, "wow.. This may be happening."

Meet up with her after I came back from my vacation. She broked up with her boyfriend during my vacation. We talked about status and I brought up some issues like the flirting(her answer- just comfortable with me) and why she never plans with me, it was always me asking her out( her answer- you r independent and I didn't want to bother u). There were signs like these answers that were warning signs but i ignored them.

After she told me wait, we further talked for hours and hours. At the end, we became intimate. But, not in a sexual way. We were holding each other. Twice we could have done more, but I stop myself because she told earlier she didn't want a friends with benefit situation or have sex right way. I eventually left her home, but something was bugging me. I left confused because her words and actions were different,but I had hope.

The next few weeks were just weird and odd. I gave her space,she came calling. When I contacted her daily, it seem like I was bugging her. This is why I had to ask her about our status again.

 

[SoSuave666]

You can't be serious...

 

[magui86770]

Unfortunately, all true. The up side to all this is I realized how much of a doormat/push over I was and vow never to do this again. Going to learn from this.

 

[Skalioppe]

Yes, sadly you were her little gimp doormat. She likes your attention, gives you "sweeteners" and little indicators of interest to keep you interested (women do this all the time) but it's all bull****. It's the proverbial dangling carrot. She only wants you for the benefit of serving her ego, nothing more.

Her to you : Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?...
You to her : You are, my Queen.

 

[nismo-4]

It's cases like these that drive up the price of pu$$y, love, and companionship. Enter Judge nismo.

I have a female friend who I have develop feelings for, but was currently dating someone. So, I never pursue anything out of respect of the friendship. However, when we got together one on one, she was flirty and touchy with me...stroking my back, stroking my beard. I was like WTF?? I never call her out of it, which was a mistake. I eventually told her how I felt after she broke up. She told me she also had feelings for me, but was going through some stuff and wanted me to wait, which I agree. Knew it was a mistake to agree after a few days, but gave her some time. But, I could tell that our relationship had changed. So, after about a month, I straight up ask her when she'll be ready? She tells me she wants to stay friends because she ruins all her relationships (BS answer). I then ask when was she was going to tell me this and she told me she figured I would bring up our relationship status again and tell me then. So, if I had taken a leap of faith and never question our status, she would have never have told me.

The first part I bolded made me cringe. Don't confess your feelings to a girl. That is the equivalent of castration. Now she has the upper hand. Big time. It's clear as day that your princess is in another castle. And that BIG BOLD PART, ouch. Don't you realize that she just doesn't see you as sexual relationship material?

This has lead me to question our entire friendship. Looking back, I was always the one making plans with her. Was she getting attention from me as a substitute when her boyfriend wasn't providing it? And what friend would let me hanging in wind and not tell me straight up about the change in heart? Makes me feel used and abused. =\

She's not a friend. She's a fiend. She's chasing the boyfriend. You're chasing her. She knows she has you. You're questioning friendship? Why? Why the f**k are you being a woman with a penis? Friendship is 50% frustration, 50% castration, 0% penetration.

I want to avoid all contact her now which I am trying but she'll occassional send me texts and I have to see her in kickboxing class twice a week and have mutual friends.

JUST DON'T GIVE HER ANY ATTENTION! Why the f**k are you rewarding her when she's CLEARLY putting you on the backburner?

It's tough right now and but I am getting over it. Rejection sucks when they don't have feelings for you, but what happens when they admit they having feelings for you but still turn you down?!?! Was it a lie??

What women say and do are lightyears apart. And you're lightyears from becoming this girl's boyfriend. Read the f**kin' actions that she did! (making you chase her, not reciprocating your feelings, etc.)

A few more details about my story...

I told her how I felt before I left on a week vacation. She was still with her boyfriend, but I needed to get it off my chest. I told her I wasn't expecting anything from her and that I needed to tell her how I felt. She told she was glad I told her and that no matter what happens, she didn't want to lose our friendship. And she's with her boyfriend, still!

You just neutered yourself. Bob Barker wouldn't even approve of that one. :crackup: And see that bold? That's translated to "Please continue to be my girly friend. I might cry if you man up and take charge."

I take my trip and everyday on my trip she texted me( hows the trip, let me know when get back, etc.)and I responded. I was like, "wow.. This may be happening."

You are just delusional. Amazing. It's all downhill from here.

Meet up with her after I came back from my vacation. She broked up with her boyfriend during my vacation. We talked about status and I brought up some issues like the flirting(her answer- just comfortable with me) and why she never plans with me, it was always me asking her out( her answer- you r independent and I didn't want to bother u). There were signs like these answers that were warning signs but i ignored them.

She didn't reject you, YOU REJECTED YOU. Just look at what you said and did.

After she told me wait, we further talked for hours and hours. At the end, we became intimate. But, not in a sexual way. We were holding each other. Twice we could have done more, but I stop myself because she told earlier she didn't want a friends with benefit situation or have sex right way. I eventually left her home, but something was bugging me. I left confused because her words and actions were different,but I had hope.

If you haven't learned anything about women, learn this. Mixed emotions equals little to no interest. Playing hard to get does too. Don't delude yourself. Women like to give men an inch of hope, then laugh when they take miles on end. Women tend to go crazy if a man doesn't fall into her traps like a chump. In other words, STOP CHASING THE F**KIN' CARROT! She doesn't want things to advance because she's not attracted to you. Also, the decision to advance the relationship is ALWAYS THE GIRL'S! And how much did you spend at Build-A-Pedestal Workshop?

The next few weeks were just weird and odd. I gave her space,she came calling. When I contacted her daily, it seem like I was bugging her. This is why I had to ask her about our status again.

Had you gone no contact, you had a better chance of winning. Now it's a snowball's chance in hell. And I hope you moved the hell on from this. Don't question status. That's the girl's job.

Read between the lines. Now read your crimes.

You are guilty of self castration, confessing feelings, failure to man up, illegal use of a pedestal, oneitis development, Rewarding for bad behavior, aggravated chasing, and self delusion. You're gonna have a stressed mind, multiple payments of 2 blue balls, 1 bruised ego, and a trip to Unwanted Wood, Alabama. Then you will be flown to Chumpsville, Florida. I'm also sending you to rehab in Carrote Chasse, Louisiana.

Move on and spin more plates. Your princess is in another castle. And you know this. That's why I threw the book at you. Get over this and do it now. :yes:

Case closed. I'm disappointed in you.

 

[magui86770]

Skalioppe, a very appropriate quote. Pedestal by me, big time.

The funny thing is now her friend, who I met recently, is in to me.

Myself, the girl who played me, and her friend are on the same volleyball team(join a social league) and her friend and I being talking constantly.

 

[youngmack]

OP.. Say no more..Read Nismo's court ruling over and over and over, and there you go. Nothing more nothing less

 

[magui86770]

nismo-4, guilty as charged.

 

[PDubb75]

Nismo is spot on, and as usual, quite entertaining about it. You need to simply give up ANY hope of this one and use this example as a kick-in-the-teeth lesson learned.

I hate when people give this advice, because it is so generic. But in this case, you honestly need it. Read the DJ Bible. Please.

Literally everything you did in this scenario was wrong, or leading to the next wrong action. Please spend some time reading the material, and more importantly, go put it into action once you do.

 

[magui86770]

PDubb75, I kicked my ass and slapped myself the days after this went down. Had friends who told me the samething when this was going on, but ignored them. Sometimes, you have to hit the bottom and I'm glad I did to realized my mistakes. I knew if I posted my story up I would be "ass kicked" but it serves as a reminder of the course I need to take and doing that now. I appreciate the ass kicking!!!

 

[PDubb75]

PDubb75, I kicked my ass and slapped myself the days after this went down. Had friends who told me the samething when this was going on, but ignored them. Sometimes, you have to hit the bottom and I'm glad I did to realized my mistakes. I knew if I posted my story up I would be "ass kicked" but it serves as a reminder of the course I need to take and doing that now. I appreciate the ass kicking!!!

Oh trust me... I know the feeling. Glad you can see it now. Only going up from here. Not sure how long you have been around this site, but there is some very helpful information here. Just be careful of some of the crap.

 

[magui86770]

PDubb75, came across the website the days after it happen and was an eye opener. Help me realized my mistakes. Visiting the site now almost daily.

 

[magui86770]

Some more advice: I have been running into this girl at kickboxing classes and we some mutual friends so I might see outside of class. I been as non chalant with her as possible, just a "hi." I never tried to start any conversation with her, but she'll come up to me and talk, so I'll small talk and that's it. And she'll hug me sometimes when I arrive or leave, which I am not even trying to intiation any contact. I just want to flat out ignore her. Just keep doing what I'm doing? thoughts?

 

[PDubb75]

Just make sure she sees that she means nothing to you. You aren't hurt by her rejection, and you aren't caught up in the fact you can't have her. She's just another person there. You don't need her. You should honestly feel that way, and that should come off in your demeanor.

 

[magui86770]

I can't honestly say I am 100% there("just another person"), but I'm close.

 

[floydb25]

This is pretty cut and dry nice guy friendzone stuff. You're falling for basically everything she throws at you, and still remaining her friend - despite her interest to the contrary. Women do this to all nice guys they're not into, and claim the other guys are *******s for not falling for it. You're basically being her doormat; this is no where near a true friend. She wasn't even your friend when she thought you were just friends.

You're given all the typical lines of someone who's not interested, but wants to keep you around for her benefits - under the pretense of being friends. This friendship isn't mutual on either side. Flirting and half-assed promises that are never kept are how they sustain your interest, because they know you like them. They want you to like them, and will lure you into it. Some of them even do this from the very beginning - as they manipulate and tease men endlessly.

You're being used and played like a fool. Making everything out to be bigger than it is, analyzing her every move, waiting for her to be ready, waiting for that one tell tale sign that she's interested, assuming that you have a chance, and that she's just taking it slowly... Making up excuses and trying to connect everything together - as it makes sense to YOU. Pretty weak and desperate, and she can sense it.

You're also being delusional in believing what she says - because she dates other people. She's not unready for a serious relationship, and is holding out for you, because you're so special and LTR worthy... She's keeping you as a back-up plan incase things don't work out with all these other guys she's dating. If it does, you'll be history. Guaranteed. But she'll still want to use you for what her BF doesn't provide - knowing that you'll allow it.

You probably have her on a pedestal, and believe she's something special, and is such a great and wonderful and misunderstood person. Nah. She's using you, dating others, stringing you along, etc. This is no where near a good person.

All of the back and forth, flirting to rejection, mixed messages... This is all common stuff in these cases. She's not interested.

Gotta kill the chumpness, my friend. She might be stringing you along, but you're allowing it, and basically going along with it. This is gonna happen to you a lot if you continue on down this path. Some women love to use chumps.

 

[Jair213]

Nismos advice is epic lol

 

[magui86770]

This is pretty cut and dry nice guy friendzone stuff. You're falling for basically everything she throws at you, and still remaining her friend - despite her interest to the contrary. Women do this to all nice guys they're not into, and claim the other guys are *******s for not falling for it. You're basically being her doormat; this is no where near a true friend. She wasn't even your friend when she thought you were just friends.

You're given all the typical lines of someone who's not interested, but wants to keep you around for her benefits - under the pretense of being friends. This friendship isn't mutual on either side. Flirting and half-assed promises that are never kept are how they sustain your interest, because they know you like them. They want you to like them, and will lure you into it. Some of them even do this from the very beginning - as they manipulate and tease men endlessly.

You're being used and played like a fool. Making everything out to be bigger than it is, analyzing her every move, waiting for her to be ready, waiting for that one tell tale sign that she's interested, assuming that you have a chance, and that she's just taking it slowly... Making up excuses and trying to connect everything together - as it makes sense to YOU. Pretty weak and desperate, and she can sense it.

You're also being delusional in believing what she says - because she dates other people. She's not unready for a serious relationship, and is holding out for you, because you're so special and LTR worthy... She's keeping you as a back-up plan incase things don't work out with all these other guys she's dating. If it does, you'll be history. Guaranteed. But she'll still want to use you for what her BF doesn't provide - knowing that you'll allow it.

You probably have her on a pedestal, and believe she's something special, and is such a great and wonderful and misunderstood person. Nah. She's using you, dating others, stringing you along, etc. This is no where near a good person.

All of the back and forth, flirting to rejection, mixed messages... This is all common stuff in these cases. She's not interested.

Gotta kill the chumpness, my friend. She might be stringing you along, but you're allowing it, and basically going along with it. This is gonna happen to you a lot if you continue on down this path. Some women love to use chumps.

Perfectly sums up the conclusion I came up as well floydb25. I am disappointed to think that maybe I wasn't a friend to her as well, but there probably some truth to that. It's funny because she rarely lean on me for emotional support, never talk to me about her boyfriend,etc. Looking back, our relationship was strictly me giving her attention.

The moment I realized she wasn't really being my friend or gave 2 cents about me was after the "let's be friends" and I said my peace and good night, she wish me a freaking happy father's day and have a great time with my dad tomorrow. And even text me the next morning about a joke the priest said at her church. Like nothing had happen. Felt like chump/idiot/etc. then.

I made peace with the time loss I spent on this chick and chalk it up to a learning experience. I'm done with her, but I so wish to say to her when she comes up to small talk or hug me, "Not going to play the role anymore!! Go find some else to manipulate!"

 

[DonJuanabe]

Magui: pay attention to mixed signals - they are a major ref flag. Example: a few months ago I'm dating this girl and things seem really good. We are at her place and she suddenly starts giving me mixed signals -- won't let me touch her or kiss or anything and we've made out heavily a few times already. I'm confused as anyone would be. So I tell her if you're not interested in me I'll leave and I won't call you anymore, no worries. She responds "I am interested, please don't leave, I want you to keep calling me!" Despite what she said, neither the rest of the evening nor any dates subsequent to it were any good and things fell apart. A couple months later we spoke and she doesn't remember ever having said what I quoted above (I have to assume she is lying but justifying it by believing it is less of a lie than straight up denying she said what I quoted). Point is behavior always trumps talk. Always.

When you focus on what a girls says, and it is at odds with how she behaves, and you choose to hold on to hope based on her words, you are going to become mentally and emotionally involved in a very unhealthy way. There will be a lot of incongruity, confusion, justification, etc. and you will find yourself more and more immersed in stress and worry. Don't go there. Focus on her behavior and if you don't like it just bail. And bail fast. No need to explain anything, talk about anything, just go.

 

[magui86770]

So true, donjuanabe, and freaking ironic since she pull "I don't remember what i said" card as well. She actually claim she had short memory loss problems, I **** u not!