Roommate situation, advice requested (long)

[afc_007]

Hi all, first post here so be kind.

The situation

I'm an AFC who hasn't been in a relationship or gotten any for a while. Anyhow, the house I'm renting gets two new roommates. Both female. I start flirting with one of them and she flirts back. Three weeks later we're out and about and it ends up just being the two of us at a club. We started dancing and a bit of bump and grind started happening. The next day she was sporting some rather nasty hickeys.

A few days later and I'm in her bed and she's giving me a *******. She wants to, but doesn't want to have sex. Later I discover it's because she was date-raped a few years back.

Being roomies we get together each night for a week, and then the next weekend I head down the coast with her to spend the weekend at her parents (who live about three hours away from the city). The weekend is going great until saturday night, where she runs into the guy (we were out at a club) who date-raped her (she spotted him across the room). The next day something changes. We end up talking and she's stressing again about the whole rape thing and how she's going to go get counseling.

Later that day we're getting drunk with a friend of hers, and when we're alone I go in for a kiss, and she pushes me back. In a very drunken voice she says "you're bad for me". Apparently she had this whole plan to head overseas in 8 months time, and that she didn't want to be pining over some guy she had to dump before she left - she wanted to go overseas with no strings attached.

So on the way home from the weekend I ask her what the new groundrules are between us. "I think I need a friend at the moment". Is her response.

It's been a few weeks now, and we're getting along fine at home, she still emails me several times a day and we still flirt around - but up until recently I was doing this whole moping around ****e.

I've decided to clean up my act and be a man about it, but I'd still like to see if there's any chance of getting back together with her. Having been out of anything resembling a relationship for so long, then having one last only a week is pretty ****ed up.

Looking back, lessons learnt

• Being the first woman I'd been with in a while, I gave her my whole, undivided attention. I put her up on a pedestal, and jumped in too deep, too fast.
  
• Met the folks/went away together too soon. I saw this as an opportunity to get jiggy with her outside of our house (we've kept it secret from our other roomies). I should've shown that I can handle being away from her instead.
  
• Placed too much emphasis on being in a relationship. As it says in one of Pook's comments in the DJ Bible, you need to have your own life, and not rely on a woman to provide you with one. As soon as we got together - I forgot that. That made the sudden switch from BF (if that's what it was), to friend so difficult.

Where does it go from here?

By this point you guys should have an idea of what my situation is, so what do you think my followup should be? Forget about her and move on, or try a more DJ approach and try to fan the flames (seeing as she's still flirty and we still see each other regularly)?

Apologies for the long post.

 

[Six-String Samurai]

Dude... you need to forget about her. The more you go after other women, the more chances you have to find something better. Plus the lack of interest in her = mysterious = attractive. Sounds like you're leaning towards one-itis here. Read the bible!

 

[Craig Reeves]

Hi afc_007!

OK, where do I start....

The good news is, is that you realize the mistakes that you made, and yes, those are big mistakes that you made. The bad news, however, is that her flirting with you doesn't mean ANYTHING. I myself have flirted with women that I was in no way interested in, so that doesn't mean a dogone thing.

After very careful analysis I have concluded that this girl is not interested in you because if she was, she wouldn't have rejected you so many times, so let's just get that out of the way....but unfortunately...there's more....

First of all, this girl rejects you when you want to have sex with her, even though she didn't seem to have a problem with being in bed with you making out. Now most women know for a FACT that any man with a D!CK is going to want to lead things into sex when put in this situation, but she lead you on into thinking that was going to happen only to reject you at the last minute.

She may have not wanted to have sex with you because she was date-raped, but if this girl had any type respect for you, she would have not let you in bed with her to begin with because she knows what that would lead to, and she doesn't want to lead you on.

You don't need to be with somebody like this - a disrespectful and unprincipalled psycho who doesn't know what she wants. You need to be with a real woman with a real head on her shoulders.

Even worse news is that this girl has ISSUES. Seriously. I know date rape is a bad thing, but it has made her AKWARD.

Another thing. It doesn't matter whether she's interested in you or not. She's rejected you TOO MANY TIMES for you to get involved with her, so she doesn't deserve you. In crazykid's terms - SHE BLEW HER CHANCE. If you continue to pursue her, she will continue to lose respect for you and take advantage of you. Just remember, in many cases, women (especially women like this one) will often take your kindness for weakness.

Here's something that all DJ's know, but never really talk about: Once a girl rejects you more than twice, it has become a HABIT whether she is into you or not. So if you get with this girl, you will only be heading down a road of rejection and pain because she has gotten into the HABIT of giving that to you.

And since she has gotten into the habit of hurting you, you need to drop HER like a bad habit.
Trust me

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

The "I'm leaving the country" and 'date rape' thing may be a major hinderance or just an excuse.

The problem is that you are allowing her to dictate the 'whats' and 'whens' regarding your romantic advances. Pursuing her with no results makes you look desperate.

If she doesn't follow your lead then back off and don't look like a sad puppy if she doesn't go with the game plan!! Just stop pursuing her and let her see that you are moving to new territory!.

 

[Craig Reeves]

Mistakes you made......

Here is a definitive list of all the mistakes you made:

You gave her hickies...

You may think hickies are cool, but it can easily make women feel like sluts once they look back at them the next day. Don't give women hickies.

You allowed her to turn the mood into a negative one

When she was talking about the date rape, you should have STOPPED her. You should have said something like, "look, you don't need to talk about that, because it's only gonna make things worse, now let's focus on more positive things, OK?" and start talking about something else.

You allowed her to push you away, yet you kept on pushing.
This girl practically told you when she pushed you away when you were going for the kiss that she didn't want to be with you. You should have said something like, "well, don't expect for us to hang out anymore, because I'm over you now" and move on right then and there. You were becoming clingy after that point.

You gave her all of your power.

So on the way home from the weekend I ask her what the new groundrules are between us. "I think I need a friend at the moment". Is her response.

Probably your biggest mistake. NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER give a woman you are pursuing the power OR seek her approval! YOU are the man here, and YOU are the one who is setting the rules on YOUR terms. NOT her. NEVER ask a woman you are pursuing if it is OK that you do ANYTHING. And NEVER ask a woman you are pursuing for permission to do anything, either. I know it's considerate, but don't do it! NEVER ask a woman if she approves of ANYTHING you ever do, and NEVER ask a woman to set rules for you to follow - to ANY WOMAN, that says, "hey, want my nuts?"

You didn't get a life.

Another big mistake you made. When this girl rejected you, you moped around like it was the end of the world. That doesn't sound like a good attitude to ME.

You're suffering from Oneitis

Oneitis - A condition one suffers when he sees a girl that has proven to him beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no chance of anything happening as the only girl that could make him happy in a relationship. Although she has rejected him, he will continue to pursue her because he has no one else to pursue.

The cure - TELL HER that you are over her and that you are going to look for other women. TELL HER that you two are no longer going to hang out anymore, and that it's over between you two. Then go and find another woman.


You made some pretty bad mistakes, my friend. I suggest reading the New DJ Bible. The link is at the top of this page - and read all of the Must Reads.

 

[afc_007]

Thanks for the replies, helps put stuff into perspective. I've been reading through the dj bible the last few days and it gives some great, useable advice.

The one-itis comment is appropriate, and called for. I was blinded by the fact this was the first thing in a while for me, when I should've just kept cool.

It also helps to write things down. I noticed as I was writing the initial post how many of the things sounded like warning klaxons as I re-read over them. It's funny, but the way your brain is wired to solve and understand problems is through either verbalising it and listening to yourself talking about it (hence answering your own question when you ask someone something), or by writing it down logically and having the penny drop.

I'll give this girl a miss for the time being yet remain cordial with her. There are plenty of other women out there, I just have to get off my ass and do something about it.

Cheers guys.