Right Girl Wrong Time

[thisreallysucks]

Let me give as much detail as possible here while being concise. Got into my first serious relationship with a girl who is 18 and I'm 22. She is amazing, kind, splits all purchases and we get along like best friends.

She is very open with me and expressed throughout the first 6 months of seeing each other that she still talks to her ex who she dated 2 years and lost her V card too. Clearly was an important part of her life. I wasn't sure but she really wanted to take the relationship to the next level so I did and about a month into our relationship I seeing the following flags:

They snapchat
She likes his pictures
The still talk like once a week

I confront her about all this and her response is very confused and taken aback. She finally admits that "she will always love him" but that she is "in love with me" and that is a completely different thing. After talking she agrees to gradually talk to him less and explains she can't just go cold turkey and she claims she told him she loves me. Which I believe because she posts pics of us kissing expressing that as well.

Fast forward to yesterday I made an account on a picture site and told her I added her, she immediately gets on the the defensive and says " I see where this is going, text me if you want to ***** about it". On her profile I find a picture from one week ago, an old photo of her ex just standing with his back to the camera by a boat and it is tagged "someoneyoulove" "ex" "bestfriend". I calmly explain how disrespectful this is and hurtful and she said she thought we were secure enough in our relationship that it wasn't a big deal and that she wasn't hiding it from me because she easily could've deleted it.

After all that she goes on to say how they do still talk and sometimes "he understands her" because they grew up together whereas I don't always see eye to eye with her on things being older and having a different background. At the same time she says she has never loved someone as much as me and took the first step of breaking contact when I asked her to delete him off Snapchat.

I really don't want to end things with her and she said she is 100% devoted to me and working on cutting ties with her ex. Am I supposed to respect that and be secure in this? Or do I pull the plug on a relationship that was poisoned from the get go?

 

[AdiffrentTypeOfGirl]

give it time...let her think about it not saying let her pick who she wants but maybe shes just confused on what to do if i told you to stop talking to your best friend would you do it just because were in a relationship no because chances are there are gonna be times when your best friend is the only one you can turn to yes it might hurt the other person but you just have to trust thather love for you is real

 

[MikeAndIke]

^^^^^^^ well said. Just give it time, and DON'T give her an ultimatum.

 

[VladPatton]

This bothers you greatly, I can tell. I would pull the plug, that's just me. I don't like the fact that she stated she will always love him. The girl is young and has no idea what she wants. Start pulling back, man, this will not end well and will always be a monkey on your back. During a bad fight, guess who she's gonna run off to? Yep, THAT guy. Next thing you know you get the dreaded line of "it just sort of happened!"

This is not a guarantee that it'll happen, but the possibility is there, so perhaps you may wanna start planning an exit strategy. I know she's devoted and all that great stuff, but those are words. Judge by her actions. Come on, man, she's 18, you're 22, this is not gonna be your be all end all relationship.

Have the balls to move on if something in the LTR bothers you, it is NOT worth the stress and anxiety.

Good luck.

 

[Vidrio]

Dump her. What she's doing is extremely disrespectful. The fvcked up thing is that you can't tell her to stop now because you knew coming in that she was still talking to him. She even said she'd always love him. She probably won't stop talking to him, and if you gave her an ultimatum she'd likely continue in secret. She's not worth it IMO.

 

[Cremasta]

There's got to be a bit of give and take.
Personally I wouldn't worry about the 'liking' photos bit, but wouldn't be too happy about her talking to the ex every week.

. I calmly explain how disrespectful this is and hurtful and she said she thought we were secure enough in our relationship that it wasn't a big deal and that she wasn't hiding it from me because she easily could've deleted it.

Basically she is wrong here. If you're not feeling fully secure in this relationship, then you aren't!

To make an analogy...
Just because you buy a house and put a lock on the front door, you can't just walk away from it thinking it is secure. You need to keep locking it every time you walk out, security in a relationship is something that needs to be constantly reinforced. Her saying that "I thought we're in a relationship and we're secure in that" is just naive.

Having her talk to her ex boyfriend regularly is like inviting someone you don't know into your house every week and hoping they won't steal something. Sure, every now and then you can keep an eye on, but every week... too much opportunity.

 

[zinc4]

Let me give as much detail as possible here while being concise. Got into my first serious relationship with a girl who is 18 and I'm 22. She is amazing, kind, splits all purchases and we get along like best friends.

She is very open with me and expressed throughout the first 6 months of seeing each other that she still talks to her ex who she dated 2 years and lost her V card too. Clearly was an important part of her life. I wasn't sure but she really wanted to take the relationship to the next level so I did and about a month into our relationship I seeing the following flags:

They snapchat
She likes his pictures
The still talk like once a week

I confront her about all this and her response is very confused and taken aback. She finally admits that "she will always love him" but that she is "in love with me" and that is a completely different thing. After talking she agrees to gradually talk to him less and explains she can't just go cold turkey and she claims she told him she loves me. Which I believe because she posts pics of us kissing expressing that as well.

Fast forward to yesterday I made an account on a picture site and told her I added her, she immediately gets on the the defensive and says " I see where this is going, text me if you want to ***** about it". On her profile I find a picture from one week ago, an old photo of her ex just standing with his back to the camera by a boat and it is tagged "someoneyoulove" "ex" "bestfriend". I calmly explain how disrespectful this is and hurtful and she said she thought we were secure enough in our relationship that it wasn't a big deal and that she wasn't hiding it from me because she easily could've deleted it.

After all that she goes on to say how they do still talk and sometimes "he understands her" because they grew up together whereas I don't always see eye to eye with her on things being older and having a different background. At the same time she says she has never loved someone as much as me and took the first step of breaking contact when I asked her to delete him off Snapchat.

I really don't want to end things with her and she said she is 100% devoted to me and working on cutting ties with her ex. Am I supposed to respect that and be secure in this? Or do I pull the plug on a relationship that was poisoned from the get go?

You should use it as an excuse to sex up other women and then she will probably start really falling for you after sensing aloofness on your part......that is what i would do...

You have to begin to not care that much about her if you really want her to be willing to anything for you with no regrets...ironic isn't it???

Or you could just dump her out of fear. But you can easily conquer this and her if you do what I would do...don't take her that serious anymore until she starts obsessing over you and stops talking to him on her own. Until then...you are free to bang as many others as you want...it's a win win...you get your freedom along with a GF experience and then you will get her completely in the end......so just chill out and relax and have fun.

 

[thisreallysucks]

I realized one main flaw is that she thinks she has me on lock and my Facebook is predominantly pictures of us and I've told her I don't talk to other girls which is true. So now I recognized I have to adopt my old ways and keep the intrigue. I don't need to hookup with other girls but talking and going out with my buddies on a regular basis will keep her on her toes a bit.

 

[thisreallysucks]

Yeah I can't be the guy who just cheats or even flirts with other girls, that's not in my nature. I made the commitment and I don't respect people who play games like that. Yes she's young and probably not fully sure what she wants.

But I need more opinions on this, I mean is there a point in the relationship when she should COMPLETELY go NC with the dude?

Other small things I've discovered is she keeps a stuffed animal that was a gift from him in her car. I did see their texting tho without her knowing and it seemed totally harmless.

Basically to sum this up am I being a blind beta here by not cutting this immediately and setting myself up to be screwed long term? Can she let him go if she they still talk regularly?