Riddle me this

[Fruitbat]

The mystery of woman.

I’m back at my wife’s home country and she’s been moody ever since we came. To the extent it’s left me wondering what’s wrong.
She’s been on her shark week so probably why.

I had to leave earlier because I couldn’t spend any more time with her. She wasn’t too rude but just uninterested and moody.

We can’t fk at her parents house. Anyone who’s dated Asian girl knows this needs a lock.

suddenly out of the blue she whips out a bag of underwear she knows I will like and reveals certain adjustments also she knows I will like! Plus she’s booked us a hotel and arranged childcare and paid for a ton of other stuff that evening.

WTF.

why the BS before?

i swear we will never understand them. I assume she’s done this to bring me to despair and then to the tip of elation.

or more likely, she doesn’t plan and her emotions take her for a ride. Or maybe she’s just aware she’s been a prick and had this planned before and now she feels better she hits me with that

I fully expect now her to be “‘not in the mood” on the night. They really are a head****.

 

[Fruitbat]

…and this is exactly why I’m not married.

Good choice in retrospect.
Sadly I could only score with a super hot chick if I married her. It’s still worth it!

 

[Fruitbat]

This doesn't sound like anything to do with you.

It sounds like she has mixed emotions about returning home after being far away. Maybe her parents' house strikes her as cold, or it's something she's moved on from long ago. Things are familiar, but they're not the same. What was "normal" is now foreign and somewhat depressing. Anyone who's left home for something completely different knows this exact feeling.

She booked the hotel so she could get out of her parents' house, which was making her moody. It bypasses their roles as authority figures of a certain lifestyle and allows her to be her re-invented self.

Not that big a mystery, honestly. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

Yes mate you got it.
Also her mum berates her to hell so she’s always on edge around her.

I had a physical fight with her mum when she kept trying to take an ice cream off my daughter. I don’t care about drops on a marble floor ffs just wipe it up. I restrained her and told her to F off.

My wife left her last man because “he was in the pocket of my mother” so I get real appreciation as I won’t tolerate it - but I am also very nice to her sometimes and respectful, and she knows I’m a good dad and very much a family man so it’s the best of all worlds - I protect my wife at the same time I play the family game.

Asian families are complicated but generally you can tell parents to F off but if you’re super respectful afterwards and save their face they are fine. It’s all about face saving in Asia.
I think the ice cream incident I said “I didn’t want you getting ice cream on your top” and they accepted that.

they are weird. You can do what you like really but you have to frame it to put them in charge and then it’s all good.

 

[The Duke]

That's not her job, you got no fvcking leadership skills, bro you suck at marriage. You should've done that, what kind of a man will c0ckblock himself by sleeping in her parents home. You should've booked the hotel, you should've planed the childcare, you just suck at being a lider, if you don't get better she will resent you for it until she hates you.

Man you gotta real in your anger. Lay off the weight lifting drugs or fix whatever is driving your bad attitude. @Fruitbat doesn't deserve your schitt. How about a better way to get your point across?

 

[The Duke]

The mystery of woman.

I’m back at my wife’s home country and she’s been moody ever since we came. To the extent it’s left me wondering what’s wrong.
She’s been on her shark week so probably why.

I had to leave earlier because I couldn’t spend any more time with her. She wasn’t too rude but just uninterested and moody.

We can’t fk at her parents house. Anyone who’s dated Asian girl knows this needs a lock.

suddenly out of the blue she whips out a bag of underwear she knows I will like and reveals certain adjustments also she knows I will like! Plus she’s booked us a hotel and arranged childcare and paid for a ton of other stuff that evening.

WTF.

why the BS before?

i swear we will never understand them. I assume she’s done this to bring me to despair and then to the tip of elation.

or more likely, she doesn’t plan and her emotions take her for a ride. Or maybe she’s just aware she’s been a prick and had this planned before and now she feels better she hits me with that

I fully expect now her to be “‘not in the mood” on the night. They really are a head****.

I've always thought its easier for a woman to do something nice for you than it is to confront the issue, admit, and apologize. I think this is her way of showing she gets it, she doesn't like it, and she is trying to accommodate you. They are always indirect communicators.

 

[BeExcellent]

Fruitbat, Family dynamics can be tough. You marry not just the girl, but her family too.

The advice from @NoBiscuits is spot on. There is a reason she left Asia & came to UK. Her parents are the reason (or a huge contributing factor). Everyone saves face that way: the parents get to proudly brag to friends that daughter is off in UK doing well, your wife gets out from under her insufferable mother.

The issues come now that yall have a child and the insufferable parents have now laid a guilt trip the size of China on your wife about coming to visit and of course they expect to host your family in their home.

Be kind to your wife; be steadfast. Visit the parents less if you can. She will identify more and more as your wife & less as her parents daughter. Grant her permission to tell her parents no when they make unreasonable demands or are unkind to your wife.

Be her hero in those ways, like when you tell her mother No and when you protect your daughter. Being married comes with some of this territory.

My new MIL is much like NoBiscuits described above: Overly absentee, guilty about it at times, demanding & you never know what will set her off, but she's super fakey sweet to your face.

Ugh. Thank God she lives several states away. We are not having children so we get a pass on all the grandmama drama.

Hang in there.

 

[Fruitbat]

That's your problem. You married for the wrong reason, you have her on a pedestal, hence you got married, cause she's hot, ignoring the obvious, that she is a harpy kunt.

come to heel naw brah. She has some other good qualities and I don’t think you’re gonna find perfection. Plus I’m not perfect either.

you have some validity in that yes, I do prioritise beauty as I would rather be single than not have a beautiful woman.

 

[BaronOfHair]

"...suddenly out of the blue she whips out a bag of underwear she knows I will like and reveals certain adjustments also she knows I will like! Plus she’s booked us a hotel and arranged childcare and paid for a ton of other stuff that evening."

My 5 cents: Rejoice in all of the above, and resist the temptation to ruminate on everything else. We moderns spend entirely too much time hunting around for hidden meanings in every last one of our interactions with one another

 

[BaronOfHair]

Agreed. I think she did this with OP to make things feel simple to herself again. He should just take it easy, maybe listen to her vent a bit. Then when they are finished visiting, things will likely go back to normal after a week or two.

Let's hope The OP provides us with an update. Wish him and his woman the best

 

[Fruitbat]

Thanks for the considered replies gents. Often I don’t wish to post anything which suggests a hint of a problem as people jump down your throat.

Glad one can share this in this place - the only place for many of us where we can relate and discuss our challenges, triumphs etc

This board might need a married/LTR section as many of us have moved on in life. There’s literally nowhere else online which isn’t heavily policed and infested with aggressive feminists. They would have flipped out at something here, well done all for not becoming the male equivalents of redditors!

 

[BeExcellent]

It's a tough situation to be trapped in. I lived a floor above this type of mother, and socialized her family with mine many times. I've heard all their arguments. When she went off, she went off for hours. Over nothing, usually.

Best of luck. I sympathize.

Appreciate that. She's far away and I really don't care what she thinks. I can be nice for the occassional phone call. My husband distanced himself from her over the years, so he's cool. They aren't that close. But I do see some things that he does or values to be remnant from years trying to appease and please his selfish neglectful parents.

My parents are both dead so honestly, although I miss my father tremendously, I'm a happy orphan these days.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Man you gotta real in your anger. Lay off the weight lifting drugs or fix whatever is driving your bad attitude. @Fruitbat doesn't deserve your schitt. How about a better way to get your point across?

Sadly, large sections of The Manosphere(I won't name names), especially most self-proclaimed "Men's Rights Activists" have hoodwinked and bamboozled many men into thinking it's cool to think and behave in a crass, vulgar fashion similar to that of Gainz, the minute someone says or does anything they find objectionable

Same way large sections of Feminism duped women into believing that it's acceptable to heap invective onto other women, the minute they tried to speak candidly about their domestic difficulties

 

[Fruitbat]

Here’s an update.

Got to Hanoi. I was literally bursting, it’s been a LONG time!

My wife led on the bed looking depressed and said “I have no mood”

So, I sat there pissed off. Then I for once thought I’d try it on her level. I can be a selfish lover sometimes and I love a bit of nasty dominant banging, but she often complains I don’t warm her up.
So, I gave her a massage and a foot rub. She said she wanted to sleep

I said I want nothing in return. I just think we aren’t close enough. I then told her genuinely I’ve not seen a single woman in this country who’s anywhere near as beautiful as her.

I got in the shower and there was a knock at the door….the rest was mind blowing.

I know western gals can work different but Asian girls really dig the romance stuff. I could physically tell how turned on she was.

so mission complete. At ease boys.

 

[Fruitbat]

That's not her job, you got no fvcking leadership skills, bro you suck at marriage. You should've done that, what kind of a man will c0ckblock himself by sleeping in her parents home. You should've booked the hotel, you should've planed the childcare, you just suck at being a lider, if you don't get better she will resent you for it until she hates you.

^here speaks a man contented and happy with his life.

and also not a single clue how it works in Asia.

I just had a brilliant passionate nut, wishing you the best for the same, brother

 

[Fruitbat]

Wait, you think that him knowing how her mother is, he shouldn't have a plan to not stay there to sleep, to maker her wife feel safe knowing they have a hotel waiting for them away from toxicity? You think he shouldn't have ****blocked himself by sleeping there in the first place?

Since I joined forum he's been lost for a long time, making mistakes, and not learning from them, then getting mad at other members who point the obvious. He never had any kind of leadership.

And judging by what you wrote, you never thought that it was a man's job to plan a trip, have everything set up, children taken cared of, places to visits, cause they shouldn't be with her parent all day long.

This is is simple, she maybe s harpy kunt, she may be bitchy cause of her parents, but the guy never went with plan, he just followed her lead and women are terrible making plans, and eventually they will resent you for it.

Dude, I’ve got one harpy kunt right here.

I can’t plan anything because I can’t speak the lingo. That’s the whole issue with this situation.

you take a snippet and construct whatever you want.

Seek to understand first, before being understood.

yes I’ve been here 10 years and yeah, I’m not some chick magnet, and I don’t really care. I have my own deficiencies and I am comfortable with them. That’s part of the reason I’m here. To seek help.

All you are here to do is waft your ego about. I only don’t put you on ignore because it’s pretty hilarious.
You’ve made a complete tit out of yourself here so if I were you I’d retreat back to your harem, Fonzy

 

[Fruitbat]

Appreciate that. She's far away and I really don't care what she thinks. I can be nice for the occassional phone call. My husband distanced himself from her over the years, so he's cool. They aren't that close. But I do see some things that he does or values to be remnant from years trying to appease and please his selfish neglectful parents.

My parents are both dead so honestly, although I miss my father tremendously, I'm a happy orphan these days.

as one of the few females on here, it is doubly hard for men in this situation.

not all women are the same but usually if I’m being moody after a while I’ll work out why and tell my other half why. Earlier today I straight up said the reason I’m jumpy is I have been horny as hell and I’ve about a gallon of stuff backed up (not in those words). Not getting your oats really affects my mood.

most the women I’ve been with take it out on their man and never get to the point when they say why and admit.
Women are masters at managing to never be in the wrong. Maybe it’s because we are stronger physically. We don’t mind being a wee bit vulnerable. Women never want to show it.

sorry about your parents BTW

 

[Fruitbat]

In manosphere terms, you provided comfort in hopes it would lead to sex.

In your defense, it certainly did, but I would be cautious going this route in the future.

Had she not taken care of your needs, I think you would still be here pissed off - no?
Would you be more upset if after a massage/foot rub, she actually went to sleep? My guess is "yes".

I only give my wife massages that lead to happy endings; if I'm going to rub her body - I'm going to rub her whole body. Some areas need more attention than others, whoops.

I used to not make massages sexual, and it often landed me with blue balls and resent. Not to mention the ever-increasing entry threshold for sex, as she (like most women) begin to expect a certain amount of effort when they get used to it.
^ I would advise you don't go this route in the future.

Learn to seduce her mind; don't tell her what you're going to do to her, tell her how you're going to make her feel. Be descriptive - bishes love that shiz.

Cool. I actually was completely non sexual and said I’m not doing it for that reasons

truth be told as I say I can be a bit of a boys-own lover. Often I don’t even kiss her and even really care. Asian girls are kind of conditioned to be submissive in bed, but she has always complained that she likes romance.
I would indeed be blue balled and moody. However, she did say before the massage that we def would later in the day - she guaranteed it.
So I thought well let’s make this a long drawn out seduction. I’ll make her feel super special and that will enhance it for her later - so I already had a winner in the bag but I did what I did they out of selflessness really.

funnily enough all the stuff she bought that I really like (I am a confirmed underwear/clothing fanatic. Not fetish, the objects themselves don’t arouse me but I do like women in packaging lol. Straight to nude I find boring AF) she didn’t even put on!

what I’m gonna try to do now is a bit of closeness once in a while and tell myself upfront it’s not for me. She really digs it.

Surely making the relationship fulfilling for her is just a good thing full stop provided it’s not too often and isn’t given when she doesn’t deserve it.

I know it’s blue pill AF but while being a supplicating partner is a bad thing, she is a human being and a woman and once in a while being made to feel loved and appreciated is a good thing right?

 

[Fruitbat]

There is an important distinction between being vulnerable and being weak/sensitive.
It takes balls to be vulnerable, but being weak/sensitive is generally viewed as beta male energy. Women would collectively rather you never do this.

And women are great at avoiding accountability because 'cavewomen' who were accountable for their actions were kicked out of the tribe. Or at least, that's what the evolutionary psychologists say. IDK, it sounds reasonable.

Men are great at avoiding accountability too, but men don't let other men get away with it. Men and women let women get away with it.

agreed - all about emotional frame control.

“Love, I’m a bit screwed up at the moment. Work is tough etc”

“why aren’t you speaking to me! You know my life is crap because of work, you don’t support me”

big difference between weakness and vulnerability.

 

[Fruitbat]

[

My wife turns until her old self around her family. It's not that different, but it's noticeable. I imagine this is stressful on her as she feels compelled to act as 2 different people, and only one of them is the person she likes.

A woman who can see the world beyond her own perspective (unicorn trait) may notice she is being a bit sh*ttier to her husband as a result. I imagine said woman would want to make that up to the man she loves most.

That being said, if this man reacts emotionally to this woman's sh*t, she is likely to blame you for all her weird and conflicting emotions.
So remaining indifferent to her poor behavior will likely pay off in these scenarios. Sounds like you've done this part well

Man you really make some great points - especially about how I get blamed if I take this emotionally.

I have been trying SO hard the whole way to be grounded emotionally but once or twice the pressure did show. I was just a bit pissy as we would say in UK.

Your insight is amazing - that’s exactly how it rolled.

Every day I woke up and told myself - your goal is to not care. To keep on being cheerful and positive regardless but get this - I’m in a house where nobody can speak my language other than my wife. I have her parents bossing us around and my wife doesn’t ask me to step in - indeed, she wants me to be complaint even though I know it’s killing her.

I found it hard to leave so it’s like pressure building. For the first week I spoke to nobody who could speak English and the moment we were alone she was completely mute. Cold shoulder. That is hard - and then she speaks normally to family in VN. It was a head****. To me she just randomly was silent.

basically mum upset her and she responds by shutting me out.

now things are different after some mid blowing sechs. Amazing how that improves things.
I know this sound beta but within limits I’m going to continue being a bit of a romantic with her as genuinely it seems to change her.

 

[BeExcellent]

You are doing your level best. I imagine the isolation also gets to you after awhile. You cannot help or defend her when you cannot understand what is being said. Thats a tough one.

Honestly I own my shjt. I'm super direct for a woman & my husband appreciates it. If I'm happy he knows, if I'm upset he knows etc.

Thanks for the kind regards about my folks. My mom stirred lots of drama. Don't miss that.

Hang in there. This is temporary situational strife.