Resuming a LTR after a holiday, advice appreciated

[ph00k]

Dear DJ's out there,

I have a bit of a situation on my hands and I would like to hear some of your perspectives. Being too close to the subject matter can seriously impair someone's objectivity, so I would appreciate some foresight.

I have been in a LTR for 11 months now. my girl is someone who is loving and affectionate etc, but can be one moody biatch even when not on PMs. A month ago my gf went on holiday, and we left it off on a fantastic note.

Anyway, while she was away (for a month) we had an argument to which i was too busy to indulge her stubborness for a few days. i did send her an sms to chat a few days later and she got it and replied, but ended up losing her phone and didn't get my msgs. we had no contact for over a week due to some circumstances such as her losing the phone, and her mum not passing on my msgs to her by accident. she thought i was igonring her and giving up on her.

When she came back we had our ups and downs, but the ups were great. but recently (a month after she's been back) she has been less affectionate and generally a bit harsh due to a period of conflict. i have found out that she has had this growing feeling of resentment toward me and gets irritated at me easily.

she says that while she still has feelings for me, she doesn't feel happy to see me or as excited as she used to be. i see her roughly 3 - 4 days during the week, but short 1 / 2 hour bursts. Her theory is that the lack of contact in the holidays subsconsciously made her shut off her feelings etc blah blah blah and now its affecting how she views me.

not sure what to do. do not necessarily want to next the girl as we are pretty compatible, but i like to have fun in an r'ship rather than have a cloud of uncertainty over my head. give me some feedback here guys, she said she is confused and not sure (oh please, girls and their standard stock responses), but that she has lost some of the spark.

what are some ways to spice things up in a LTR? And where do i go with changing around her dwindling feelings due to a stupid fight? tonite i got it on with her and lying in bed she said it felt like everything was back to normal and that her bad feeling bout me is on / off.

I have two approaches in mind:
1. see how it goes, hang out with her like normal, be fun and spontaneous like i used to be and see how it works
2. take a step back and still hang out, but be colder toward her (although she said the more i pull back the quicker she'll lose feelings)

any feedback will be much appreciated guys,

thanks alot

 

[crowes22]

I was gonna say pull back, but this is tricky. Pull back if you want. This situation is bad. Not happy to see you? *BAD, very bad.* I think all you can do is pull back.

I wouldn't sweat over this girl much, sounds like her interest is in the gutter. I hate to say this but it wouldn't surprise me if she was hooking up w/ other guys on her trip. This can cause a steady interest to get shaky quick.

Here is the bottom line. You must not be afraid to lose her. Being afraid she'll walk is the most AFC thing you can do.

 

[Big Eee Zee]

I think the first time a girl said that she was loosing feelings for me I'd up and walk out. The best way to play it is thus:



her: you know, I still love you, but the time apart made my feelings shut down a bit. I'm not as happy or excited to see you anymore.

Me: Huh.......well, it was fun while it lasted. Good luck with everything. Bye. *get up and leave*

her: Wait. Thats not what I meant!

then you leave. If she calls back and begs you to come back, she's worth keeping. If not, go out and hook up with someone hot that she knows. That is the proper way to handle it.

 

[Climax]

Originally posted by Big Eee Zee
I think the first time a girl said that she was loosing feelings for me I'd up and walk out. The best way to play it is thus:



her: you know, I still love you, but the time apart made my feelings shut down a bit. I'm not as happy or excited to see you anymore.

Me: Huh.......well, it was fun while it lasted. Good luck with everything. Bye. *get up and leave*

her: Wait. Thats not what I meant!

then you leave. If she calls back and begs you to come back, she's worth keeping. If not, go out and hook up with someone hot that she knows. That is the proper way to handle it.

Well put.

and just to add...

ph00k: Tell her that until she knows what she wants etc, you and her will not be together. then you go and live it up, try find another girl, if she sorts herself out before its too ate, then if you want to, take her back. If you find someone else or don’t want to take her back after she is done making up her mind/sorting herself out, then too bad for her, maybe she will learn not to be so full of sh!t in the future

My 2c..


Laterz..

 

[Porky]

Originally posted by ph00k
we had no contact for over a week due to some circumstances such as
her losing the phone, and her mum not passing on my msgs to her by
accident. she thought i was igonring her and giving up on her.

This is just a case of bad luck and immaturity on her part.

What happened is that she assumed that her boyfriend of 10 months got
tired of her being out of town and decided to break up with her
without actually breaking up with her. She decided this because you
"ignored" and "gave up" on her. You and I both know that that's a load
of bullshit and that you did your best to get in touch with
her, and frankly she should know that to.

But, while she was on the trip, she felt like you were just ditching
her and developed feelings of resentment, anger, and possibly dislike
towards you. Then when you guys spoke again she realized it was just a
big mix up and she had no right to be mad at you - but the feelings
were still there. Women sometimes have trouble getting over betrayal
or what they perceive as such.

She can't come out and tell you this without appearing like a
bitch, so she made up some bull**** about "subconsciously"
shutting off her feelings for you. That's a great way to
put the blame off her.

I think the biggest problem here isn't that she has a bad feeling
about you, but that she didn't give you the benefit of the doubt when
you guys didn't speak for a week. It's like she's searching so hard
for drama that she jumps on it the first time the opportunity arises
even when you didn't do anything wrong.

Ultimately you should decide for yourself, but from what you've told
us of this girl your life would be better off without her. Sure, 11
months is a long time to spend with somebody, but just look at
yourself and think, do I really want to be with this same, nagging,
confrontational person in three years? Or would I rather play the
field and find somebody who won't automatically assume the worst when
I don't or can't contact them for a simple week?

good luck

 

[johnfjr]

Her interest level is down the toilet. Sounds like you should move on, but don't burn any bridges. Live your own life, and let her come to you. If it happens, it happens, if not, **** her. Find someone new. Believe me, that "not speaking for a week" thing you are conjuring in your head is merely your ego speaking. A woman's interest level doesn't go down over night, or over a week. It's gradual. She was losing it since she left, if not before that vacation. You just didn't realize it. Listen to your gut man, that is your true guardian angel. It never lies to you. In an LTR the golden rule they don't tell you when you ask your friends for advice (because they don't know), is never try to keep someone that doesn't want you. firstly, it never works (therefore a waste of time), and secondly its a perfect example of loss of dignity due to desperation. If you were Brad Pitt, she wouldn't "lose feelings" for you over a weeks time. Think about that one.

John JR

 

[ph00k]

Firstly guys, i would like to say thanks for you guys who took the time to read and then further discuss this issue with me. after reading this board quite often lately, i was sure i'd be bombarded with msgs about what a "wh0re" she was, or how hopeless i am, but i am glad that i got such informative replies. really restores my faith back in the community, heh.

porky, your advice was insightful and fantastic, i definitely like the way you put that perspective. i rly do think that her blaming it on no contact was a copout, like u do. (i mean, come on, if u find out later that i was trying to msg you, you would at least soften your stance on the whole 'BAD BF WHO DIDNT TRY TO CONTACT ME : (' ). i know this feeling has gradually declined over a month, but maybe thats because we haven't been out much, mainly just vfkn round at her place and the odd movie or two.

aequitas, i appreciate ur advice as well, coming from the long term r'ship boards, as well as johnfjr and BIG EZ. i did expect a general consensus to ditch her, and maybe i am in denial in thinking things could work out for the better.

to clarify some of your posts -

(1) i'm very sure that she did not mess around with another guy while on holiday as she is not that kinda girl (she had issues with me kissing her while i was playing her before we went out just because i wasn't her bf at the time, this is but one example).

(2) secondly, i am sure interest level is not what it used to be - but i ask LTR DJ's this: - you can't ALWAYS keep it up high esp in a LTR. there has to be a time when it drops to a level when the nature of the r'ship becomes more deeper or is in that transition between honeymoon period and LTR or whatever. i am, however, prepared to accept that it may have dropped below that level, and if it has then i will face up to reality


an update for tonight: i decided to hell with all the f**king emo BS and to have fun and enjoy myself (but not be too affectionate with her so i don't smother her at this point in time), so i rang her up and told her we're going to watch a movie (wedding crashers, which is goddamn hilarious for anyone who hasn't seen it). she was being her usual self playing hard to get games like "ohhh i'm gonna see that movie with my brother". i charmed her out of it because i did wanna watch it. movie comes, she enjoys herslf, went out to eat after at a nice quaint little romantic joint with roast fire etc and that was alright as well.

i went there partly to refresh in her memory some of the old good times we had there (it was a very romantic valentines for us there, heh) but mainly to eat because i was hungry.... haha nah, it was to just go out for a change. anyway, i got invited home and needless to say i tired her out ; ) and that was that, she was all clingy and asking me not to go home yadda yadda yadda.

in any case, it seems like things are back to normal when i opt to have fun and take her out ------ but don't worry DJ's. i am NOT kidding myself any longer. while the night was great, it was punctuated with one or two moments of awkwardness, but generally was a success. if the situation deteriorates i will do the inevitable and next no matter how hard it is. thank you all for ur feedback, any more will be good, esp from ppl who have been in LTR's, as up til now i've always gamed ONS and STR and nexted when it suited me.

 

[nishbuk]

I wish I was experienced as you to see the signs like you did. I'm a noob. In my 7 monther, I ignored what was happening and didn't take any action. Outcome? I got severly burned.

Kudos to you for doing what I couldn't, AND for keeping your self in a realistic mindset about the situation. I only hope that I live again like I used to.