relationship: i feel like strangers.

[newbie81]

I'm with this girls since 3months now. The first two months were amazing, we were the same, thinking the same, missing each others, talking for hours,...
Then we went on a 10days trip, just the two of us. We got used to eachothers i guess there, we weren't just lovers, we also became friends.

It's been a month that we're back now. And I don't feel well with her anymore. I feel like a stranger when I'm with her. We can't talk anymore like we used to. I don't know what to talk about when I see/hear her. And I get the same feeling of her.

She still says she loves me, but I just don't believe if this is actually true, I don't know if I can trust her anymore, and I get the same feeling of her (she doesn't tell me things like she used to do).

All this started with a few fights (orally ) when we came of the trip, the fights escalated, we learned from eachothers of these fights, but now I feel like she's dominating me, this gives me a bad feeling about her. It's like if she's telling me she loves, so I stay with her. She's doing something bad, but then she tells me she loves me, so I would shut my mouth.

I just saw her now for 45mins, when I think about it, what I liked in her, I just don't know the answer.
I was just thinking "what should I say now, just act like what she says is interesting, keep the conversation going, ...." If I hadn't tell anything, the're would have been only silence, what then...

It happens more then ever now then when neither of us know what to say, she talks about her work. I don't like talking about work, because this is difficult too understand when you're not doing the same job, I think it's kinda boring too.

The only thing she's good for at this time for me is sex I think, and this doesn't even happen a lot for practical reasons (a place to).

But still, I miss the girl from those 2 first months. The person I know now is completely different, I wish thinks could be like what it was in the beginning. I don't know why things changed & neither how things can became what they were. But I know that the person from the first 2 months was everything I had been looking for in a girl without finding it (same went for her at that time).

And now she told me she wants to present me to her parents... I don't believe if she is honest when she tells me she loves me/wants to stay with me/... I think she's trying to controlling me.


Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[iqqi]

why are you so obsessed with this control issue? is this the real reason your feelings are changing? you are scared of love, and now just obsessing over the control love can take?

otherwise, i'd say it was just a fling, time to moooove it along.

 

[libre]

Dear sir

After a certain amount of time which differs for everybody, a fight for power and control frequently ensues in a relationship. This women is establishing her power in the relationship. It is up to you to see if you can bear with her. If you do not feel respected and do not share the power equitably you can draw your conclusions.

My diagnostic is that if there is not a sufficient equilibrium in the power sharing, you should not tolerate the situation. Either you correct this right away or you will suffer in silence for the rest of your relationship with her.

Her behavior of being bad and than of giving you the «I love you» line is typical of manipulative tactics. It's hot and cold alternating treatment which confuse the person which is subject to it and is used to control him.

Being aggressive to a spouse and than giving them the sugar coated treatment is typical of spouses who abuse their partners. Think of men who hit their wives and then buy them flowers to make amends.

She wants to present you to her parents. Well, she is satisfied with the present arrangement as she has gathered most of the power and she controls the aggenda. Also, she can be abusive with you and up to now you have tolerated the situation. In her eyes, it is quite possible that she thinks that everything is fine and you are prime material that she can present to her parents.

So, your girlfriend has established her power in the relationship, she is using disruptive behavior to control you and you don't seem to find much pleasure in the relationship. What do you want to do about it?

I think that you should either correct the situation or if if cannot be corrected, call it quits because things will only degenerate between you.

My guess is that if you try to reason with her and explain your disatisfaction, she will not be open to let go of the power that she has acquired. The only language that this type of person will understand and respect is forcefull language and behavior. Good luck, for that is a not too pleasant road to take in a relationship and who would want to have to resort to this? She has to be a very good lay for you to bear with the aggravation.

Any way about it, I suggest that you do not bear with the current situation. Either correct it or call it quits.

Good luck young man.

 

[newbie81]

Thanks for the advise

Her behavior of being bad and than of giving you the «I love you» line is typical of manipulative tactics. It's hot and cold alternating treatment which confuse the person which is subject to it and is used to control him.

How do you correct this? When I tell her I don't tolerate her behaviour, even if she says she loves me, it often turn into an argument.


Can you elaborate on the "forcefull language & behaviour"? i don't want to play games with her like "Who phones first".

friendly regards.

 

[newbie81]

Originally posted by iqqi
why are you so obsessed with this control issue? is this the real reason your feelings are changing? you are scared of love, and now just obsessing over the control love can take?

otherwise, i'd say it was just a fling, time to moooove it along.

What do you mean? That it is good when a woman to be the boss in the relationship??

I feel the best thing is to let her do what she says & act contrary to what she says.

Like she plans dinners without asking me sometimes. I already told her I don't like it when she plans without asking me, but I don't want to be a child by saying:"and because of that, I won't go"

tnx.

 

[SAYNO]

Do the Same

Originally posted by newbie81


Like she plans dinners without asking me sometimes. I already told her I don't like it when she plans without asking me, but I don't want to be a child by saying:"and because of that, I won't go"

tnx.

Make some plans without asking her and see how she likes it. Better yet make some plans that don't include her like:

A. Some down time for yourself

B. A backup plan


She has gotten too complacent and demanding already. Show her
that you are your own man, if she still refuses to clue you in on her "plans" then you need to move on.



Sayno

 

[Vince]

This woman is not going to change... atleast as long as you stay with her. I dated a woman like this, we were friends before we got together. Eventually, she became controlling and forced unneccessary problems due to insecurity issues. If I went along with everything she did, she enjoyed it. The moment I started pulling away and doing my own thing, she became more controlling. ...and what irritated her more was that sometimes I did what she wanted and other times I didn't. So, she was unsure of her power. I did what I wanted to do.

A controlling person believes that when YOU don't do what she says, then you must be trying to control her. If you don't conform, then you are the enemy.

I don't see your situation getting any better unless you take a time out. You can either do that, or end the relationship.

The AFCs that have longterm relationships, do not wear the pants in the relationship. They are with women who love control.

 

[newbie81]

Originally posted by Vince
This woman is not going to change... atleast as long as you stay with her. I dated a woman like this, we were friends before we got together. Eventually, she became controlling and forced unneccessary problems due to insecurity issues. If I went along with everything she did, she enjoyed it. The moment I started pulling away and doing my own thing, she became more controlling. ...and what irritated her more was that sometimes I did what she wanted and other times I didn't. So, she was unsure of her power. I did what I wanted to do.

A controlling person believes that when YOU don't do what she says, then you must be trying to control her. If you don't conform, then you are the enemy.

I don't see your situation getting any better unless you take a time out. You can either do that, or end the relationship.

The AFCs that have longterm relationships, do not wear the pants in the relationship. They are with women who love control.

I know for her it's a big step for presenting me to her parents. I'm thinking about letting her do that, and than manipulate her by starting to do like I used to in the first 6weeks we were together:
-doing my stuff
-going out with, hanging around other girls
-being hard with her, disapprove her behaviour (about her going out all the time in the weekend)
-...
She won't let me go that easily, after having presented me to her parents I think. She hates it to present x guys to her parents.

But then i thought I would have a healthy relationship, a relationship with mutual respect, mature relationship. Looks like this is not the case & I have to play games with her so I take over the power.

I know she is insecure, she hates it when I go out with other girls (I went out with two other girls last weekend, she freaked out).

Another thing like that: she wants to present me to her parents, so I can come over in the week & sleep over at her place. She knows that I train weights 3x/week and I don't have time for that stuff, but she's still trying.
I want to see her in the weekend & stop going out, and not in the week. She wants it the other way around, me in the week, in the weekend her friends.

I'm going to start being busy every evening untill she cries to see me.

Or is it to late already to start to act like this?


Tnx for the advise, I'm good at seducing but bad in relationships...

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by newbie81
I feel like she's dominating me

The man should always be the dominant sex in the relationship. That's not to say you should be domineering. There is a difference between being dominant and being domineering.

Originally posted by newbie81
It's like if she's telling me she loves, so I stay with her. She's doing something bad, but then she tells me she loves me, so I would shut my mouth.

What is she doing bad? Listen to a woman's actions instead of her words.

Originally posted by newbie81
What do you mean? That it is good when a woman to be the boss in the relationship??

Are you the Man of the House? If you reverse the role and let the woman lead the relationship, you are digging yourself a ditch. As the dominant sex in the relationship, you should also be leading the relationship as well. If you let her be the boss in the relationship, she will inevitably lose her attraction for you.

Originally posted by newbie81
Like she plans dinners without asking me sometimes. I already told her I don't like it when she plans without asking me, but I don't want to be a child by saying:"and because of that, I won't go"

You are being sucked into her frame. You must have her buy into your frame and not the other way around. Next time she plans dinner without asking you, tell her that you have something planned for her too: after the dinner, your plans include her giving a nice massage for you and a nice blowj*b after.

Start off by reading Pook's post on Be a Man!.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[libre]

Originally posted by newbie81
...
But then i thought I would have a healthy relationship, a relationship with mutual respect, mature relationship. Looks like this is not the case & I have to play games with her so I take over the power.

...

I'm going to start being busy every evening untill she cries to see me.

Or is it to late already to start to act like this?

Your premise that you should have a healthy relationship with mutual respect, and a mature relationship is great and a great goal to strive forward to; be it with this girl or with any other woman that you will frequent.

I encourage you to maintain that goal and it is my own premise for the relationships with the women that have accompanied me for parts of my life. However, I must strive that it is also part of your weakness in this relationship and it could be your weakness in future relationships.

Your desire to be mature and react in a mature fashion to life challenges can condition yourself to tolerate «intolerable» behavior from the women that you frequent. This set of mind can make you try to reason, tolerate hissy behavior, play the mature person in the relationship, ..., where the proper behavior would be to not tolerate abusive behavior from a woman. You do not need to be the valiant knight that will endure under duress.

Correct your responses to intolerable behavior, do not stand for it. Sure, life is a game of give and take and some times you must swallow some pills, however, you should not be always the one to swallow them. It must be an equal equilirium between you and your girlfriend.

It is possibly not to late to salvage your present relation, but you will not have to hold any punches. If you want to reacquire your power, it's time to be extremely firm in controlling your aggenda. You must make your own decisions, you must reject her decisions for some time so that she can acquire a new paradigm of relationship with you, ... Be firm, do not waiver in your decisions may they be questionable, once you have taken a decision do not change it, ...

Yep, if you want to salvage that relationship to a reasonable and satisfying state, you must be prepared to be a firm man and to not kowtow to her. It is time for you to stand up to her disruptive behavior and stare her straight in the eyes. If she cannot accept your «firm you», be prepared that she may call it quits. Or, if she cannot accept your firm behavior and is not prepared to share the power in your relationship, you should call it quits.

As a starter, if you want to give her a real eye opener, tell her that you do not want to meet her parents as you are more than unsure that you want to pursue with her. Let her then sweat it out.

Good luck sir.

 

[newbie81]

Re: Re: relationship: i feel like strangers.

Originally posted by Maximus_Decimus

Are you the Man of the House? If you reverse the role and let the woman lead the relationship, you are digging yourself a ditch. As the dominant sex in the relationship, you should also be leading the relationship as well. If you let her be the boss in the relationship, she will inevitably lose her attraction for you.

I was the man of the house.
The last 2weeks of our relationship, the role inversed. She wasn't happy anymore with where I took her with me, she wanted to be able to choose what we did.
As a mature person, I wanted to let her choose sometimes (not always), but this turned out that when she could choose, I was not happy with what was being done (kinda boring), or she had no idea what to do & we ended on a place in the car (boring evening)
-> result: being with me is assiocated with boredom because of her own actions that I allowed.

Examples:
for our 3months together, I reserved a sauna evening for the two of us. I never did a sauna with her in these 3months, I never talked about it neither. I just told her a few days before "don't used make up saturday, it's easier".
By these words she guessed what we were going to do.
She said:"I think sauna is cliché"
What I did: i phoned the day after & cancelled the sauna evening, the bottle of champagne I drank with my brother. She thought this was childish. When the day came & she knew there was nothing we were going to do that evening, she started "We can go to the restaurant tonight". I said no.

You are being sucked into her frame. You must have her buy into your frame and not the other way around. Next time she plans dinner without asking you, tell her that you have something planned for her too: after the dinner, your plans include her giving a nice massage for you and a nice blowj*b after.

Indeed. I already realised this & took the decision not to be sucked in her frame again. Because her frame sucks, her friends are boring & her frame consists of going out (I'm 2 years younger then her, but I already grew out of this). Then again, I'm serious she says (true), the people I know are serious & boring (even when she doesn't even know them yet).

She says I want to change her/isolate her/make her lose her friends, I say she want to change me. During the last 2 weeks her behaviour changed, she chooses for her friends all the time now in stead of choosing for me.

 

[newbie81]

Originally posted by libre


Your desire to be mature and react in a mature fashion to life challenges can condition yourself to tolerate «intolerable» behavior from the women that you frequent. This set of mind can make you try to reason, tolerate hissy behavior, play the mature person in the relationship, ..., where the proper behavior would be to not tolerate abusive behavior from a woman. You do not need to be the valiant knight that will endure under duress.

You're right, it already happened that I reasoned her behaviour & thought it was me who was wrong. After talking to other persons about it, I knew I was wrong by thinking that way.

She's really intelligent, more than me. First time that I met a girl that actually uses logic like I do (& guys do in general).
Most of the time she wins arguments with logic, although I know she's wrong.

example:
I say she has to stop with drugs. Her answer:
-smoking is also unhealthy, leads to death, you better quit (I quit btw)
-this is a part of me, always have been, always will
-life is boring (I think the same about it), without going out,...
-the more you say I have to stop, the more I want to do it.

It is possibly not to late to salvage your present relation, but you will not have to hold any punches. If you want to reacquire your power, it's time to be extremely firm in controlling your aggenda. You must make your own decisions, you must reject her decisions for some time so that she can acquire a new paradigm of relationship with you, ... Be firm, do not waiver in your decisions may they be questionable, once you have taken a decision do not change it, ...

Yep, if you want to salvage that relationship to a reasonable and satisfying state, you must be prepared to be a firm man and to not kowtow to her. It is time for you to stand up to her disruptive behavior and stare her straight in the eyes. If she cannot accept your «firm you», be prepared that she may call it quits. Or, if she cannot accept your firm behavior and is not prepared to share the power in your relationship, you should call it quits.

As a starter, if you want to give her a real eye opener, tell her that you do not want to meet her parents as you are more than unsure that you want to pursue with her. Let her then sweat it out.

Good luck sir.

Yesterday she phoned me. She knew I was going out this friday. First she said she was going out on friday, now it's saturday. I told her before: go out friday, so we can do something together saturday. "If my friends don't do anything" was her answer, yeah right.

So yesterday she calls me:

SHE: I'm going out on saturday.
Me: Ok well I go out on friday
SHE: ok but we can do some shopping together on saturday. (she tries to LEAD)
ME: I don't know yet, I'm going out, don't know when I'm up
SHE: but later, like 2Pm or so
ME: don't know yet, we will talk about it later
SHE: I'm going jogging tonight, don't you want to join me, my uncle can't (tries to LEAD again)
ME: nah, I'm going out with my best friend tonight
SHE: what you gonna do (jealous & curious *****)
ME: don't know yet, he was going to call me (I never lie btw)
ME: gotta leave you cause i got work to do (was at work).

END of phone call. This was at 5pm. And guess what, she didn't phoned/smsed since then. I didn't neither (I'm busy anyway).


This is what happened lately, I hate her behaviour. I decided the following.
I'm going out on friday & will not go shopping with her saturday. I'm going to workout on saturday, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, cleaning my car,...
If I can't be with her on saturday evening, I will have to be with someone else. So I will search for a date saturday evening. (and I will tell her this).
I know she thinks we will be seeing eachothers on sunday, after all the fun is over & when the drugs stops working & she feels bad about it, but nada, i already have an agenda for sunday so I don't have time for her.
Next week: I will be working until 10pm so not one day that I will have time for her. She will have to wait untill next weekend due to her own behaviour. What do you think about this?

One other thing, to prove that I still want to be with her, & because i know we won't see each others, I wanted to surprise her this evening. She does evening school & tonight is her first night, I was thinking about waiting for her there after her school. Good Idea?

tnx for the advice.

 

[Omni]

If your relationship is already this unpleasant, and this much of a struggle, after just 3 months, it's doomed; you haven't invested much time into her, so it shouldn't be hard to walk away.

 

[Enigmatron]

i can relate to your situation totally newbie81 im going through the same kind of thing appart from meet the parents

she has all the control and i have just gave away the power and been willing to do anything for her and to be with her and anything to keep the relationship going even sacrificing myself and my beliefs in the process! and me doing all the chasing!

luckily though i fount this great site and now im getting to understand women im going to be a man and atleast try and level out and equal the control and then gradually pull it my way

its risky but ive got no other choice, like the other guys say you can only go on for so long with the women having full control!

 

[Vince]

Originally posted by libre
Your premise that you should have a healthy relationship with mutual respect, and a mature relationship is great and a great goal to strive forward to; be it with this girl or with any other woman that you will frequent.

I encourage you to maintain that goal and it is my own premise for the relationships with the women that have accompanied me for parts of my life. However, I must strive that it is also part of your weakness in this relationship and it could be your weakness in future relationships.

Your desire to be mature and react in a mature fashion to life challenges can condition yourself to tolerate «intolerable» behavior from the women that you frequent. This set of mind can make you try to reason, tolerate hissy behavior, play the mature person in the relationship, ..., where the proper behavior would be to not tolerate abusive behavior from a woman. You do not need to be the valiant knight that will endure under duress.

Correct your responses to intolerable behavior, do not stand for it. Sure, life is a game of give and take and some times you must swallow some pills, however, you should not be always the one to swallow them. It must be an equal equilirium between you and your girlfriend.

It is possibly not to late to salvage your present relation, but you will not have to hold any punches. If you want to reacquire your power, it's time to be extremely firm in controlling your aggenda. You must make your own decisions, you must reject her decisions for some time so that she can acquire a new paradigm of relationship with you, ... Be firm, do not waiver in your decisions may they be questionable, once you have taken a decision do not change it, ...

Yep, if you want to salvage that relationship to a reasonable and satisfying state, you must be prepared to be a firm man and to not kowtow to her. It is time for you to stand up to her disruptive behavior and stare her straight in the eyes. If she cannot accept your «firm you», be prepared that she may call it quits. Or, if she cannot accept your firm behavior and is not prepared to share the power in your relationship, you should call it quits.

As a starter, if you want to give her a real eye opener, tell her that you do not want to meet her parents as you are more than unsure that you want to pursue with her. Let her then sweat it out.

Good luck sir.

WELL SAID.

 

[SoCalMike]

for our 3months together, I reserved a sauna evening for the two of us ....
She said:"I think sauna is cliché"

I say she has to stop with drugs. Her answer:
...
-the more you say I have to stop, the more I want to do it.

Sounds like a ungrateful nightmarish b:tch to me. If she's that rude AND abuses drugs end it now before you get into this crap any deeper.

 

[penkitten]

theres like a 90 day probation.
you hit the 90 days, either you like her enough to continue seeing her or you need to move on.
if you are losing interest or whatever, why proceed?

 

[newbie81]

The End...

Ok looks like everything it's over between us.

The final mistake I made:

I had to work 1pm-10pm this week. She doesn't like this situation, cause she has to get up at 6am, so we wouldn't be able to see each others (I don't care actually), she was already talking about "I don't want such a relationship bla bla". I told her I understood this (actually I think it's bull****)

So what did I do (first mistake): I changed my shift with somebody else yesterday, so I had to work 8am -4pm wednesday. This way she could see me in the evening.

She calls at 5pm how r u etc. So I tell her I got to train first & do my laundry, I'll be ready at 7pm. I ask her: u wanna see me this evening (2nd mistake)
She "wtf? what do u mean with that? I'm gonnna hang up"
me: "ah you gonna hang up again, just answer my question"
she: "i don't want to"
me:"i'll be at your place at 7-8pm"
she "I'm gonna phone you later"
me: "ok bye"

At 7pm I left home & went to her place (3rd mistake)
She calls me:"hello?"
me:"yes, i'm just leaving, i'll be at your place in 10mins"
She:"wtf? i just showered & i'm in my bed, i'm tired"
me: wtf? i changed my shift so you can see me & now you tell me this? no way i'm coming to you.
she freaks out, starts hanging up, phoning again,...

I arrive at her place.
-Why don't you call me first?
-Why are you acting like this?

Then she's starting disrespecting me
"shutup" "continue driving" "no i won't stop doing like this"
She starts criticising me
"you're a child" "you're weird" "i can't talk with you anymore"

I stay calm & drive her back home. I take my phone & erase her phone number. She does the same & also deletes all my messages.

Anyway just before she left she kissed my on my mouth before stepping in a friend's car. I asked her then :" drive with me " (4th mistake, supplicating). She answered no & told me she was gonna phone me later.

This was yesterday evening 8pm.
Untill now: nothing

Me: I'm not gonna phone her, I have a date for friday night btw. But yes I think about her & yes I think about the good times.

Everybody is gonna answer me: leave this girl, **** her, ... i know i know. But it's hard when you see you're relationship after 2months deteriorate & becoming like this.

comments are welcome.

 

[Metalixia]

It's hard mate. The best I can do is offer you a cyber man-hug!

But this post taught me alot... I think keeping a relationship happy is very hardwork for the inexperienced like me and you... and I'm sure we'll all carry you experience into our next relationships.

I think being in love is one of the most painfull things, but also one of the best.

But there's one thing women won't ever take away from us: beauty is the only tool they've got to manipulate us with... and they loose it at about 40ish (or sooner). But us men... we blossom more when we get to that age, and our power stays with us until we die.

Would you do me the favour of IMing me some time? metalixia@hotmail.com

 

[newbie81]

Well I think everything went wrong when we came back from holiday.

I always had a bored feeling with her, I think this was starting week6. I wasn't sure what to talk about with her. It came down to sex (and this was good, so I stayed for it, i'm really a softie with sex, it drives me crazy).

We went on holiday trip, same thing, no talking anymore. After a few days we started talking, I started talking about personal stuff, I trusted her. I think she used this against me later on.

Also the fact that I turned from wanna be DJ to straight AFC. It drove her mad during the first 2 months that I didn't want a relationship, that i didn't want to stay at home in the weekend, that I controlled her, that I dominate her, that I did what I wanted, ...

Actually I'm bored of talking about this lol

Thinking at my next date tomorrow make me feel great!