Regrets

[GADavid]

First of all, this is just venting.

I'm beyond angry at myself. My fwb oneitis started pulling away in September. I saw it coming but my weak AFC side kept me going after it. By October she had cut off fwb. Still we flirted and hung out. I know...
Now she will barely even respond. I screwed up the whole thing by being too needy and even demanding.

I'm so mad at myself for losing the upper hand and not cutting things off when I saw the first signs. The challenge was ruined. Now this relationship is completely dead and I'm dreading seeing her at work. All I want to do is pour my heart out and then tell her I'm going to stop trying to make things right. I see how detrimental all of that would be, but it's like I want to instill a sense of loss before just disappearing.

So frustrated with the games and my own stupidity. I just want a reset button.

 

[Renegade357]

Interesting. Please answer these questions.

How often did you demand to see her?

Did you tell her about your feelings?

How often did you text or call her? Every day? And how long were the conversations?

 

[Neil Skywalker]

First of all, this is just venting.

I'm beyond angry at myself. My fwb oneitis started pulling away in September. I saw it coming but my weak AFC side kept me going after it. By October she had cut off fwb. Still we flirted and hung out. I know...
Now she will barely even respond. I screwed up the whole thing by being too needy and even demanding.

I'm so mad at myself for losing the upper hand and not cutting things off when I saw the first signs. The challenge was ruined. Now this relationship is completely dead and I'm dreading seeing her at work. All I want to do is pour my heart out and then tell her I'm going to stop trying to make things right. I see how detrimental all of that would be, but it's like I want to instill a sense of loss before just disappearing.

So frustrated with the games and my own stupidity. I just want a reset button.

Don't be to hard on yourself dude. At least you see your own mistakes. Millions of men don't even see that.
My advice would be to play the cool guy and not even mention it to her ever again.Like nothing happened. Don't be apologetic or try to explain things. It will only make things worse.
You have other options. There are tons of other girls. If it makes you feel better then get another girl and rub it in a little.

Neil Skywalker
Author of the book: Around the world in 80 girls - The epic 3 year trip of a backpacking Casanova.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

All I want to do is pour my heart out and then tell her I'm going to stop trying to make things right.

Irony: you want to make things right by telling her you're going to stop trying to make things right.

I don't want to be hard on you, dude, but... STOP BEING WHINY. You're crying about losing a girl that was just an F-buddy?? No bueno.

Go ahead, admit it - you had feelings for her. Admitting it is the first step. The second step is admitting that she didn't have the same feelings for you, and only wanted your d*ck. Ouch. Harsh. But hey, some women do that.

The third step is to re-frame the experience. So she cut off the deal, so what - didn't you say you were just mad because you didn't cut it off first? So, think of it this way - in your passive-agreesive style, you made her want to cut off the FWB deal so you wouldn't look like the bad guy. And now you don't - congratulations, you got what you wanted anyway!

The fourth step is to recognize what those things were that you did that turned her off so that you won't repeat them with the next girl. You got too needy? Don't call/text so much with the next girl. Hung out every time she wanted to? Learn to regulate your time with her. Simple stuff, really.

And the fifth step? DEAL WITH IT. You're going to have to see her at work. Hey, it didn't work out - no need to be rude to her, or act like a kid that wants to suddenly ignore his parent 'cause he couldn't get a cookie. Be cordial, but don't go out of your way to talk to her.

She's not going to feel a sense of "loss" 'cause she's the one not trying to contact YOU, remember? That's just your ego talking. In truth, she doesn't care. So, just act like everything is fine until you start REALLY feeling fine. In the meantime, start setting up dates/f-sessions with new girls.

Eventually, she may start to sense that she doesn't have the same hold on you, and she might - MIGHT - try to hook up with you again (I've had it happen)... but only if you're not coming across all desperate and whiny, and are PATIENT. (However, I hesitate to include this last paragraph in for fear it may give you a false sense of hope - 99% of the time when a woman cuts you off it's a WRAP.)

 

[GADavid]

Interesting. Please answer these questions.

How often did you demand to see her?
Every chance we got. She's very busy with school. She said she felt bad telling me no bc of how hard I'd take it. Then she would get pissed if I was disappointed things didn't go how I wanted.

Did you tell her about your feelings?
I didn't have to. She knows I want a legit relationship.

How often did you text or call her? Every day? And how long were the conversations?

All day, everyday. It was mutual.

I could not have done things more wrong. Thing is, this was our second go at it. The first time it ended in exactly the same way of me wanting more and being too demanding. When we got back together the second time, I made sure to end conversations first, didn't try to text every day much less all day, and I rarely tried to make the plans. Over 3 months that all changed for the AFC mode.

 

[Renegade357]

All day, everyday. It was mutual.

Killing challenge, too available. You know the drill.

Over 3 months that all changed for the AFC mode.

I think you're the one who needs to change man. You already know what you did wrong. Good luck!

 

[GADavid]

Killing challenge, too available. You know the drill.



I think you're the one who needs to change man. You already know what you did wrong. Good luck!

Dude, I know!! The part that kills me is that I know it now (and then), I am changing, and she doesn't believe me at this point. There shouldn't have been drama and things should not be so difficult. Right or wrong, I owned my mistakes to her and made the proverbial promise to change my ways. Actions, not words... I get it.

Part of it is getting her off that damn pedestal. The girl is successful and a ton of fun to be with, but she's not even that hot and not without issues.

I'm torn up over this **** and I hate it.

 

[Packers2010]

First of all, this is just venting.

I'm beyond angry at myself. My fwb oneitis started pulling away in September. I saw it coming but my weak AFC side kept me going after it. By October she had cut off fwb. Still we flirted and hung out. I know...
Now she will barely even respond. I screwed up the whole thing by being too needy and even demanding.

we have all been there bro..

best thing to do is just go no contact on her. just do your work and come home again.

i think that most guys get oneitis because they don't BELIEVE they have game. ( i will make a post about this later.)

all you can do now is go no contact. i did the same thing as you as my fwb, though i called her every name under the sun. she still tires to talk to me every now and again. though i have no idea what she wants and it goes no where...

 

[The Gambler]

Dude, I know!! The part that kills me is that I know it now (and then), I am changing, and she doesn't believe me at this point. There shouldn't have been drama and things should not be so difficult. Right or wrong, I owned my mistakes to her and made the proverbial promise to change my ways. Actions, not words... I get it.

Part of it is getting her off that damn pedestal. The girl is successful and a ton of fun to be with, but she's not even that hot and not without issues.

I'm torn up over this **** and I hate it.

Start adding value to yourself immediately! Even though you should do this for yourself, she will notice your changes because she works with you. When she becomes interested again, the power will be back in your hands to decide how YOU wish to play the situation.

Of course, "adding value" means different things to different people. For me, it meant dressing nicer and working out in my garage four or so times a week. One thing is for sure though.... Do what it takes to turn the corner mentally when it comes to her. Until you do that, she'll instinctively sense it and take advantage of the fact you're under her power.

The Gambler

 

[Cremasta]

So frustrated with the games and my own stupidity. I just want a reset button.

No need to stress. There IS a reset button. You know what you've done wrong, so you've already got your finger on it.
To press that button you've only got to do one thing. Go and be awesome. Be fun, easy going... the kind of guy that this girl and everyone else wants to be around.

So she's hot and now she's knocked you back. Big deal! It will probably happen again. This really is just a small bump in the road.

 

[Atom Smasher]

This is the problem with, as the OP put it, "FWB Oneitis".

The situation has aspects that are so incongruent that it must tear a man apart. My understanding is that a FWB is a kind of open relationship with no commitment, so when a man thinks he is in love with her and her interest dissolves he is left floundering.

Speaking generally:

It's a situation that we shouldn't even get ourselves into. When we do find ourselves in this situation, we need to aquire RESOLUTION. Take the short-term pain in lieu of the long-term torture. Her feet must be held to the fire, as well as yours, and the hand must be forced. A man must act with directness and boldness. Determine how she feels, and WALK if she is not that into you, as the saying goes.

I'm astounded how we men will set ourselves up to live in this limbo of uncertainty, wondering how she feels and hoping things will change. Every waking moment is proof that she owns you, because your thoughts are preoccupied with her. She becomes a filter through which all of life experience must flow.

But this is all water under the bridge and you're already aware of all that.

You need to listen to Gambler do what he suggests. Continually add value to yourself in small increments. The real issue here is not so much this girl, but your self-respect which has been bruised. You will recover and emerge all the stronger.

Just remember, never, EVER pour your heart out to a women. She will use it to hang you, if not now, then later. Verbalizing deep emotional things to women is the kiss of death. She doesn't want to know how you feel. She wants a man who is mysterious and incomprehensible. Communication to women must be done through action and with as few words as possible. Never forget that our words about our feelings go right into her ammunition stockpile for future (and usually indirect) use.

When it comes to women, boldness, firmness and action are the rule of the day. OP, leverage this experience to your advantage. Every day is an opportunity for you to overcome.

Leverage, leverage, leverage. You can wallow in regret, or choose to get angry and proclaim to yourself, "Never Again!!"

 

[GotED?]

Honestly, it is very difficult for me to imagine how a woman can put up being a FWB without getting emotionally attached to a man. Typically it is the man who can forces FWB status with a woman while she pursues a relationship out of him. So the only exception I can think of in this case where the woman terminates a FWB because the man is too needy are:

1) She's a masculine and dominating woman - been with these testosterone driven control freaks, they may act very feminine in the beginning but later they lack much emotions when compared to a typical feminine (the way it is suppose to be!) woman. She-man's or She-he's do not get attached emotionally.

2) She has a boyfriend - and you are her boytoy and happy-plate. Enjoy being spinned?

3) She has committment issues - grew up without a father and majory fooked up in the head (BPD's, etc)

Good luck identifying your nightmare.

With respect,

Exodus

 

[Greasy Pig]

Exactly the same thing happened to me. I worked with her, we were fvcking like rabbits all the time, texting, emailing.
We agreed just to hang out, nothing serious.
But then she dumped me and I took it hard. I sent her some really nasty, AFC texts (never called her names though) and just vented my spleen about how fvcked she had made me feel.
I then did what you propose and confronted her and then went NC.
My biggest regret from the whole episode was carrying on like a butthurt bytch. I really, really wish I'd just swallowed my pride, accepted her actions were simply those of an unworthy woman and got on with my life.
You should do the same. Seriously.

 

[GADavid]

Work ****ing sucked. We said hi, and that was it. It kills me that we're acting like total strangers. I don't know what else to do. Its AFC to even have this thought, but it just seems weird to go from being really close, great friends to having nothing. Its just not something I'd ever choose to do to someone I'd been close to. I don't get being that mad at someone bc they liked you too much or more than you wanted them to.

Anyway, I didn't try to start up a conversation and didn't hang around at all. I'm just so depressed right now. I want to start over.