Regaining the edge or next?

[Diligentsd]

Some of you may remember me posting a few months back about a chick I was dating, got oneitis, and lost control of the situation.

To make a long story short things were awesome for the first month, I had her eating out of my hand. Then the next month I blew it, got oneitis, told her I loved her, and she did not say it back. Spent a lot of time with each her and basically gave her all the power and made her the prize. Things ended when she said she couldn't give me what I wanted in a relationship.

Well..she calls me 3 months later to say hi and wants to see me again. She told me she got scared before because she got really attached to me. She says she misses how I treated her and our interesting conversations. She said she wants to get to know me better.

We went out a few times and it felt awkward, we kissed, held hands but things just didn't feel the same. In the back of my mind while we were together, I was questioning where her interest level is at which makes me act unnatural. She gives me friendly teases often and I bust her balls right back. She's been quiet and she says it's because I make her nervous.

So, what would you all suggest I do to get her interest level higher or should I just next her for ending things with me before? I have some women on the backburner but I have lost some interest in them now that she's back in the picture.

 

[decades]

Dili,

There is an old saying "you can't go home again." What this means for a lot of folks is you can't recapture the past. Life changes too much. You change she changes. It can be done but its rare. What looks to me happened is that this girl had another guy she was seeing and that flamed out and she was left without anyone.

A lot of women (and men too) can't be without Someone in their lives, even for a very short time. So they will do whatever it takes to not let that happen, including going back to Mr. OLD RELIABLE.

During your time together, she sized you up as someone who would always be there for her, even in a pinch. A great source of emotional "supply".

And you proved this to her by being at the ready when she made a simple phone call to you or maybe it was an email. You took her back immediately even after a few months had passed. So she realizes you didn't have much going on with anyone else and still had her #1 in your heart. This had to be a boost to her ego.

This also tells her that she is in control here. You haven't changed your ONEITIS frame at all and she knows it. She dumped you once, and you're BACK. So what if it happens again?
At some point again ,she will "surprise" you and say this just isn't working out.

When a relationship goes sour and you realize you made mistakes, its a good time to take quite a bit of time for yourself and perhaps even BE ALONE.

Its our neediness imo that gets us into ONEitis situations. If you work on being happy and content with yourself, you won't have any neediness when it comes to women. This may take some time, but it will be well worth the effort. That strength will come through in future dealings with women.

In summary, I don't think much has changed here. You run the same risks with this woman because you haven't worked on your own neediness. Good luck.

regards

 

[joekerr31]

i completely agree with the above poster.

basically you didnt fit the ideal picture of a man that she has. so she looked elsewhere. things didnt go well in her search, shes alone, she wants you back. once she has you back she'll keep herself busy with you until another one comes along that she wants more.

the ONLY time i would ever ever suggest taking a girl back is if she clearly articulates what she did wrong to you. Only if she shows a surprise degree of empathy and apology should you even consider this.

and even then, the moment you get the first negative signal from you, you have to next her.

J

 

[Diligentsd]

thanks for the replies

Well she doesn't have me back. She doesn't have my weekends and she initiates most of the contact. She called me and I didn't get back to her for a week to set up a date. I will keep her to once or twice a week. I won't put myself into a position to lose, only to gain. So.... any suggestions?

 

[speedo_meme]

Diligent, quit telling yourself this bullsh*t. I've seen that most of these posters on her, including myself, are looking to hear good news and not the TRUTH. Forget this girl, it's not gonna happen. I used to think it could, I went back to my ex, just to be strung around again. You still have MAJOR one itis for this chick, DO NOT deny it. I know your situation all too well. Lucky for me I had my current chick on the backburner so I got over my ex pretty quick.

STOP FOOLING YOURSELF MAN. I'm not insulting, I'm just trying to help. If you really do have other chicks, please go after them and stop feeding this girl's ego.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Never dig through the garbage you've already left on the curb.

Go read the DJ Bible.

 

[IronFar]

Originally posted by Diligentsd


So, what would you all suggest I do to get her interest level higher or should I just next her for ending things with me before? I have some women on the backburner but I have lost some interest in them now that she's back in the picture.

This sums you up at this moment.

You have Oneitis.
Everything you've spewed in your posts so far has been in denial of this oneitis.

Get rid of it but not only rereading the Bible, but focus on the sections about self denial and delusion as well.

 

[Diligentsd]

Funny thing is I got with her right as I was hitting my peak in gaming chicks. Then I let them all go. Just when I'm hitting my stride again, she pops up.

I have this one chick on the back burner and she is all over me and it kinda turns me off. Basically, I see myself in her, in reference to how I was with the so called ex.

I am feeling the oneitis creeping in and your posts have helped me see that bullsh*t. I am not denying it. I want to turn the tables, and that is something I can only do subconsciously. I have to internalize it, not act a certain way consciously.

The problem is, I like her a lot. But if she is not digging me the way I am digging her, by natural reaction I will lose interest. I just have to see her actions clearly and not get infatuated.

 

[Diligentsd]

Fellas...it's a challenge trying to control the oneitis. True, there are other things to do with your time, but picking up chicks, using new openers, and asking the same question gets routine after a while. But to take control back and reframe things where YOU gain more power in some chick you are crazy about would be food for the inner game.

It's like a tug of war when you sense it coming. So long as you keep up your game and are going for women that are as good as or better than the oneitis chick you can control it. Getting oneitis tends to get a person going for the easy kill that make you feel worse because you are settling for less. Keep busy, try new things, limit your time spent with her.

Oneitis sucks real bad. But is running away from it always the best thing to do in the long-term? With my last two relationships I had oneitis for them in the beginning and they each lasted 4 years. I eventually lost interest.

I posted here seeking some tips. So, who here has done this, or has some interesting ideas?

Playa don't hate....participate

 

[hithard]

But to take control back and reframe things where YOU have the power in some chick you are crazy about would be food for the inner game.

Most of us have been there and done that. Probably thinking the exact same thing as what your thinking.From using every trick in the book or being a AFC.

You want her back then dont be needy ,dont call her all the time,make her invest in you(ask her to do stuff for you), keep up your own interests first and have a long lists of girls as backup all the way through.Or dont revert to doing the same $hit you did last time.yeah I know the ususal basic stuff but hey.

Ask yourself this though can you waste 1-5 years of your life with someone that more than likely will leave again.Really sit down and think about it.If you have to use a whole lot of effort to keep her interest up then your in for a lot of pain down the track.Its real easy to fall back in to old patterns with an Ex.You shouldnt be the one doing all the work.Do it for the experiance if you must.But if she hasnt really changed then its going to need a whole lota work.Ex'es are Ex'es