Regaining control in a relationship

[Mizzou-Rah]

I have been dating my current girlfriend for a little over 2 months now and things have been progressing nicely. However, I have recently noticed that it seems like I have been losing some of my "control" in the relationship. For example, early on in the relationship I would go over to her house and she would cook me something to eat, and it was not a big deal. But now, since she hasn't made much money from her current job, it has turned to me buying food and her coming to eat my food that I pay for. She does cook the food for us, but it is getting kind of annoying (and expensive) for me when I am buying groceries for both of us (by the way, we're both in college so we're both usually broke). On top of that, when she comes over during the afternoon to eat MY food, she thinks it's okay to watch her stupid soap opera with me, like I want to watch it or something. Also, she is very attached to me and wants to be around me all of the time, which doesn't really sound bad but it gets to be annoying. She calls me multiple times a day to see what I'm doing, to tell me about her day, to ask what we're doing tonight, etc. Furthermore, last night we got into a fight and I gave her the cold shoulder act until she left my house. About an hour later, she called and wanted to know when I was coming over to her house for the night. I said I was tired and didn't want to, and she got all pissed at me, just because I wanted to spend ONE night away from her. After some thinking, I realized that was the first night we had not slept in the same bed since we started dating, which is a scary thought as to how fast this relationship is moving. There are many other details but I don't feel like typing them all right now. Basically, I just wanted to see if anyone has some ideas for how to get the power, or control, back in the relationship. I'm pretty sure I like this girl, but I want the relationship to be on my terms, not hers. Anyone have any experience with something like this?

 

[cmr662]

almost the same thing just happened to me. i ended up getting afc and got the boot. live from my mistake and stand up to her more. dont answer all her calls if she calls you that many times a day. and dont stay with her every night. let her know you can have a life outside of her.

 

[Mizzou-Rah]

She already knows I have a life outside of her. How should I hint to her that I don't want to hand around with her everyday, or at least not spend the night with her every night?

 

[Mizzou-Rah]

bump

 

[DJ_Dork]

it's called "honeymoon" phase where both of you are rushing/infatuated with each other.. then usually about the 2nd-3rd month the girl starts seeing how many strings she can pull from you.

 

[CLOONEY]

Let her know. "I think it could benefit our relationship if we spent a couple of day a week apart". Set the boundries and stick to them.

She sounds too attatched and that aint good. Plus shes a chick, she can be all like this, and then the next second dump your azz once u get used to her. Much like in cmr's case.

 

[Alen-Delon]

dude your a cheap motherfuc*er talking about her eating your food what da ****kkk kind of bull**** is that so what if shes eating your food. its ****king food you moron,,,, you wont get far in life by beeing that cheap ......

 

[Kidquick]

You already took the first step in gaining control in the relationship - it's fairly normal to spend alot of time together in the first few months, but nows the time to lay down some ground rules since the momentum is already swinging your way...

 

[Austin Allegro]

Just don't be too available. Don't be in when she calls, don't answer your phone, etc. If she challenges you, just say you had other things to do. If she asks what, tell her its none of her business. The key thing is to show you can walk at any time - whoever cares less, has most power.

Don't bet on this keeping her though. Unfortunately, a lot of women in today's society WANT an AFC who they can control, and there is no shortage of AFCs willing to supplicate.

 

[bunjy]

Originally posted by Austin Allegro
The key thing is to show you can walk at any time - whoever cares less, has most power.

This is so very very true, great advice

 

[Mizzou-Rah]

So what are some good ground rules to make in the relationship, since we are out of the "honeymoon" stage? We go to the same college and we are both staying for the summer, so it is hard to NOT see her often. Also, it seems like she is talking about "feelings" and **** like that much more than she used to, which is annoying. It seems like she is just using stuff like that for me to tell her what she wants to hear, so is there any way to get around it?

 

[Mizzou-Rah]

bump...

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Originally posted by CLOONEY
Let her know. "I think it could benefit our relationship if we spent a couple of day a week apart". Set the boundries and stick to them.

She sounds too attatched and that aint good. Plus shes a chick, she can be all like this, and then the next second dump your azz once u get used to her. Much like in cmr's case.

Dude, Mizzou just say something like Clooney just said.

Clooneys right, its not good when shes too attached. If shes around you 24/7 things in your relationship will start to get boring (if it hasent yet). If she is constantly around you, it will also probably make the two of you to run out of things to talk about. (I know, trust me. )

Also, listen to what Austin said. "Do not be too available" Like he said, luckly, if you have caller id you can see whose calling and if its her, don't answer and just say you were doing something else.

About the food thing. Well.. its not really her fault that shes not making the money but sh*t, shes making something right? So tell her to help out with the grocerys buddy. What does she go and waste away her money that she does make anyways? Clothes? I bet she has enough clothes if she does just spend it on that. But if shes paying for the bills on her house than... I dunno there dude. Don't demand her or anything, but suggest for her to find a better job.

Goodluck on retaking control.

 

[Capt.Jack Sparrow]

Well hell.. if your getting out of the "honeymoon stage" with this chick and shes pulling your strings, pulls her back.

If she starts to get b!tchy or anything put her in her place and if she continues than.. find someone else.

 

[jbbrain]

someone once said that u dont need to have control over your gf or your relationship if you already have strict control over YOURSELF.

Dwell on that.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Men don't watch 'soap operas' you have been pvssified if you do such!! Be a man!!!

 

[squirrels]

Soap operas? LOL...better check to make sure they're still hangin'.

You made the right move skipping on her that night. She's p!ssed because she's thinking, "How DARE he?" She thought she controlled you, but you finally stood up and turned your back on her, so she left. She lost control. Next she goes through:

Denial - she calls you up acting like nothing ever happened and you'll be over normal-time, like she's still got your strings tied to her fingers.

Anger - "How DARE you take that control from her? What right have YOU?" Really you have all the right in the world, but she's going to try to make YOU seem like the bad guy.

Next she'll probably try to bargain with you, buy you something, offer you something, make you dinner, etc, trying to win you back. Either that or start begging.

At that point you're pretty well straight with her. You can give her back the attention and affection when you feel like she's earned it. Just don't give up the control so readily. Listen to Austin's tips.

And yeah, the hell with her pigging out on your food.

 

[JohnJones]

Also bear in mind that she may be very nice about it too ("but baby, I just want to see you... don't you want to see me?").

A little back and forth on this and you're golden

 

[Mizzou-Rah]

Thanks for all the replies guys,

Well, last night we ended up talking and I told her I needed some time apart from her. I explained to her that we are around each other all of the time, day and night, and I was beginning to get bored in the relationship. So I told her, from now on, we should do things on our own during the day and then we can hang out at night. She seemed happy that I brought this up and she said she had been thinking the same way.

Now, do you guys think I should make guidelines to stick to, or should we just wing it? For example, should I say we should only hang out 4 nights a week, or should I not limit it like that? If I don't make guidelines, how will I know that we are actually making a change?

 

[TesuqueRed]

squirrels and jjbrain -- good replies.

Mizzou -- you won't be with her in 18 months. Does it matter?