Reflection of a Trait about Myself

[CollegeLife]

This is triggered because a co-worker who started friendly is now a bunch of single word exchange at best. Now,I want to disclaim I'm not attracted to her. She fat and just not my type even if she wasn't.

But it does bother me because it reminded me of a particular trait about myself over the years that I want to write if anyone have something similar or someone see something.

With this girl that rigged this post, I think I know what happened.

I think the line the moment that changed from friendly co-worker to no longer say bye walking past me at the end of the day and other behavior changes was probably my texting when we were planning to buy a gift and cake for another co-worker's birthday. We made plans to find a cake and a gift and a day after work, we were working on that but didn't get anything done. The next work day, she disappeared and didn't respond to my text. Since the birthday is the next day, I went ahead and bought a small cake and a gift we were looking at and texted her doing that. I guess the couple of text tell her what I was doing was beta to her mind. It does annoy me that something like 6 texts means total shutout. If I'm right with this thought.

But, it reminded me that I run into similar things in the past and unlike her, many times I didn't do anything yet. I know I can't befriend everyone, but knowledge of why is useful. I'm still missing that why. I can just first meet a person or soon after and get that "out" sense - even as the person befriend others similar to me or already friends of me. All attempt to converse becomes a string of single word responses or something like that.

This was most prominent in HS with a sense of being shutout with an entire group, but it continues to today.

At the same time, it is not like I been scaring all the people away and relegating to a small group of social rejects. Which is what perplexes me. Instead the pattern is inability to grow more rapport and a sense of a lack of openness rather than hostility or absolute indifference. Instead of a pattern where everyone but a few ostracize for being super awkward (I remember a former friend was in that situation, everyone of the same dorm floor grew to not like him, I defended him), it just that certain person even at first meeting was already closed to me.

Anyone else have this experience? Or maybe I'm just being paranoid and this is just normal.

 

[FairShake]

At the same time, it is not like I been scaring all the people away and relegating to a small group of social rejects.

If the rejects are the ones who accept you for you then they are the only ones you need to worry about when it comes to friendship. Fvck these other idiots.

Then again, calling your friends rejects is pretty low. Fvck that.

Anyway, it sounds as though you worry too much what other people think about you. Like you are living in a movie or something. Not an attractive trait to people. Enjoy your time with the friends you do have and don't spend time trying to impress the ones who don't want to be your friend. It takes time to get into that mindset but it's the only one that works. If you have been an outcast for 20 something years, bro, you're an outcast. Enjoy it, it's really not so bad.

 

[CollegeLife]

I get that why should I care about people who don't care about me. It just that this just means I have a trait about myself that I'm not able to put my finger on. Something that I am not aware about myself. Remembering it been with me for years and years, it would be good if I can give it some kind of recognition of what is it exactly.

Even though it is not at a level of "crippling" like someone with Aspergers or something (probably) so it's like I'm one of the "creepy" or super weird, better self-awareness, including positive and negative qualities about myself is good.

 

[FairShake]

You're a misfit. People look at you (and me) and know it. I love it though.

 

[CollegeLife]

While this is a great way to frame it. But it does get old when you're just start in some kind of new environment (like new job, starting college, new place to do your hobby) and *bam* enter "cold zone" like something 5 seconds of meeting and the person is someone who will have to be around me quite a bit.

To draw an example. I remember one girl really embodied this as a fellow clubmate in the sport I do. As others even pointed out to me, "hates me... for no apparent reason." If it just her - big deal - she ugly anyways. But it annoys me she go befriend others around me and I seem to pull off similar results with others over the years too. Including an actual cute girl that I like to talk to her me and other cool guys too. Most recently now is my new co-worker (though it might be unrelated as the cause could be unique per above). I am completely blind to why it occurs. You would think if I a total wierdo with Aspergers or something, I would alienate everyone. But I don't. At least friendzone decent conversation.

Maybe, you're right. Maybe I should not be concerned at all. Plenty of people have done just fine. I remember Steve Jobs was known to be a complete ******* and did perfectly well in life. I just like to be more aware of myself. And hey, if I have the ability to avoid it, I think it would be more useful than not.