Really really hurtin'

[syncmaster]

Hey Guys;
I"m a wreck... 2 months ago tonight my fiance broke up w/ me after 3 years. Stupid me, i didnt plan anything tonight and i've got NOTHING to do but dwell on the fact that we're done. She's making it really difficult too by wanting to chat on the phone. She still means the world to me and I want to love her - but i physically can't. She's caused too much pain. The most difficult thing is I can't remember anything before 2 months ago tonight. I'm having a REALLY hard time moving on.
Anybody ever been in this situation... this wasn't just a casual relationship it was really deep and I don't know what to do to numb the pain. It's not like i can't keep myself busy but it's somewhat of a facade masking whats underneath. I don't really feel like I wanna date ppl again - It's the oddest feeling. This was the most painful moment of my life up to date & I have no idea how to deal with it...
Can anybody offer some suggestions & please no ex bashing because even though she caused a lot of pain by breaking up she was still a great girl.

 

[joekerr31]

ya, stop being a p*ssy.

hey, we all have been through it. its part of life. move the f*ck on. there is no answer to this other than when you decide to stop beating yourself up over what you don't have any more and decide to pursue something new.

if you lost your arm would you spend months whining about how you wish you had your arm back? no. once your arm is gone, it's gone. you'd pick yourself the f*ck up and move on with life.

not tryign to be hard on you here, but this IS life and this IS part of dealing with relationships and women.

now that you are broken up with your ex, its like your arm got blown off but you want to still walk aroudn holding it. Screw it man, your arm aint attached to your body anymore, you got no use for it, throw it away and forget about it.

remaining friends with a chic that you have the kind of attachment to that you seem to have had is a major disaster just waiting to happen.

my advice right now is this: if you think you are in pain now, i got news for you, you got a LOT more to come based on how you are handling this situation.

eventually you will hit rock bottom, then youll smarten up and not let this ONE woman screw your head up this badly or youll spend years depressed over crap.

J

 

[MackJr]

Look, ignore the macho talk. The main thing is you have to find a new pursuit and put your time and energy into it. Maybe do some approaches or work out some so that you'll be more confident when you're on the market.

emotionally, you won't feel like moving on, but you have to in a sort of rational way, force yourself to get started on new things.

 

[WestCoaster]

One thing the DJ site often does not address is the up and down emotions of being with women, losing women; dating a lot, being lonely and so forth.

The typical response is, quit being a p-ssy, you loser, she's just a b-tch anyway. Yeah, I'm sure people who read these responses feel better and go out and do what they say. Depression, even minor symptoms of it, are natural, especially after breaking up with a fiance. She wasn't just a girl, but a fiance.

So the first thing to do is recognize the hurt, understand it, and think of strategies of coping with it. People here will call you a wimp or whatever ... don't listen to them.

Instead, the first thing to do is work on your hobbies (ifi you have some), take a solo road trip where you can just chat with people, not necessarily about your break-up, but just chatting to continue your social skills and not let depression build upon itself.

Also, I highly suggest working out. That not only takes your mind off the woman, it sets off various endorphins, hormones, and chemicals which in turn make you feel more energized and alive.

I'd suggest reading some books NOT about relationships and breakups, but some diversions from fiction to stuff about human relations.

And finally after a week or so of working on self-improvement, when your groove is hopefully back on, work on chatting up women, getting some phone numbers, or just basic fliriting in a coffee shop. Hey, you gotta start somewhere.

Good luck!

 

[penkitten]

adam, you are experiencing the roller coaster effects of the break up.
you were with her for a while and of course this is going to effect you for a while.
someone once wrote that you take the length of time you were with someone and divide it by two and that is how long it takes to clearly get past the break up.

i personally understand what you are going thru.
once you are alone , and the night falls, if you have nothing to do , you sit around and you dwell on things.

im going to tell you it happens to everyone. sure its not easy, but its not going to kill you either. you will survive this. this will certainly give you character.

you will get over her and all of this in due time, time heals all wounds.
two years from now, you will have moved on and you will be happy . it wont leave pain in your heart and mind. when you re read all these old posts, it will feel more like you are reading some one elses diary rather than reliving it.
you will always keep the experience and the knowledge of its effects, but i know that you will not be tainted and bitter for the outcomes.


just remember that you cant undo the past , people meet others for a reason and learn from one another and yes, most times move on. the knowledge you now have will help you in your next relationship.

 

[( . )( . )]

"Fiance" at 19? Give me a break . You mean youve been here since 2001 and you still dont realise nothing is permanent to chicks in that age bracket?. You could be Casanova himself but shes still going to want to go exploring and sample other c@ck.

Your a fool and this AFC theme here seems to be multiplying.

 

[cave dweller]

move on.......

syncmaster,

You must put this behind you and move on.

I dated my 'soul mate' for 4 years, but, she was fvcked up in the head----I had to let her go and get on with my life.

I know it is 'tuff', but, you will get her behind you.

Trust me.

cave dweller

 

[TheTrimReaper]

I'm in a similar situation as you are now. I was with my fiance for
3.5 years and the relationship ended a couple months ago. In hindsight, it should have ended a long, long time ago. But with emotional connection and the thought of how much I committed to making it work, I erroneously ignored the death of the relationship.

You are feeling pain now. You probably can't do anything without thinking about the relationship now right? Not interested in other girls...not interested in the things that usually bring you pleasure? Well, that's what I've been through. It's tough but it's not permanent.

What you must do buddy is make some sense of why you are feeling this. Acknowledge the feelings and thoughts you are having and ask yourself why you are having them. There is definitely a reason for them and believe me, they are there to help you.

Another thing that will help is to try to do whatever you can to make yourself happy. If you can't get her off your mind, ask yourself "What can I do to make myself happy?" If your answer is "nothing", then ask "If there were anything I could do that might make me happy, what would it be?" The differences in the questions might seem nominal; there is a difference that may help.

Last, remember that you are better off now. Frankly, it's better to go through all this pain now than to stay in a dying relationship that is bringing you down with it!

 

[joekerr31]

pain is natures way of pushing you to grow. you can either resist that growth, in which case hte pain will simply increase until you get with the program, or you can be wise and use it to grow and the pain will quickly diminish.

without suffering no one would ever grow.

those who avoid suffering and hide from it their whole life remain stuck.

everyone has had their heart broken in life. love wouldn't mean much if it came easily or quickly.

count yourself lucky this is happening now. some people it doesnt happen to until they are 50. they go their whole life with someone only to discover it was all a big lie.

i'm 30 so i guess i have a different perspective on things. i've come to see that if you are still breathing, you have a roof over your head and you have your health, you have more than enough to feel ecstactic over your life.

its all how you look at it. you can see the glass as half empty or half full. it IS a choice.

and i'd argue that until you can be blissfully happy with the bare minimums of life (ie. yourself) you'll never really have a chance at finding real love. As long as you NEED a woman to fill fulfilled and happy your relationship with any woman will always be like walking on a balance wire over the grand canyon. One wrong step and its a long way down.

Whereas when you know you can be perfectly content and happy without a woman, you are in total control of your life. 99% of the pain and misery that most men go through in relation to women is because they feel a desperate need for female approval - as though if some woman isn't validating their worth then they don't have any. Bullocks.

and here's a little secret I've learned that has gone a LONG way for me in my life. Once you learn to be happy with yourself and your life (without a woman) you'll never let one EVER take that away from you. And you don't even have to think about it. you will instinctively know when she is detracting from your life's happiness and will either demand that she cease whatever she is doing or you'll move on.

That's why on this site i'm constantly saying - don't EVER see a woman as the primary source of your happiness- EVER. Because if you do then the moment she's no longer around, then neither is your happiness. YOU are the primary source of your happiness (or lack thereof).
J

 

[syncmaster]

Wow...
Thanks so much everyone. That was a much needed boost. It's not as if i'm crippled by this - but penkitten hit the nail right on the head. When i'm alone, and night falls i get into a rut. You get stuck in the moment & fall.

Time heals all & Pain build character -
I got off the phone w/ the ex this morning and told her that I can't talk to her for a while. I need to distance myself from her because it was making it too difficult trying to be friends. I've gotta take down all the pictures & memories and move on. Time to re-decorate

I like the advice about going to the gym - I haven't been in a while.
I've been reflecting a lot - I wrote for an hour or so last night trying to figure things out. I came to terms with a few problems. It helped tremendously.

Hey jokerr31 - i can't belive how right you are with that "need". Lately i know exactly what you're talking about. If i'm not dating a girl, or have one on the go then i feel "alone" - wow... that's gotta stop. I've definitly gotten back into a few hobbies that i haven't had time for previously (guitar playing & photography) & I'm also planning a backpacking trip near the end of october. P.S. - your second post was somewhat more inspirational than the first. LOL

Westcoaster - you're right. This website shows the upside of getting in an LTR but doesn't show how to deal with one when it's over... That'll be the topic of my next article thanks for the inspiration & thanks for the helpful tips.

TrimReaper, i agree... hence the hobbies again. Best of luck with your own problems too, btw.

I'm off to eat some turkey now, but thanks again for all the help guys.
This is the advantage of posting in the mature forum - people write posts other than "go see the bible". I'm gonna have to spend more quality time here.

Ciao.

 

[WestCoaster]

Boobs was right ... sort of

I wouldn't say this post is going AFC, but Mr. Boobs-A-Lot from down under does have a point and I'll agree:

WTF were you doing getting engaged at 19? We ought to slap you with a hard bound edition of the DJ Bible.

Note to all: You should NEVER get married before 30 ... your 20's is the best time of your life. You're in shape, have the ability to date women from 18-40, can travel on a whim, not usually burdened by mortgages and child support. What the h-ll were you thinking getting engaged at 19?

Plus, and here's the biggie: You do the majority of your mental, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth from 20-30. You're evolving (that is if you seek to evolve) every day. You're changing.

As one of the best professors I ever had told me once: "I was married at 20 and divorced at 27. Why? Because we had become two totally different people."

Unless Marilyn Monroe with a Ph.d. and a diploma from an elite cooking school comes into your life, hold off on those wedding bells until at least 30. You'll be glad you did.

 

[joekerr31]

sync,

glad the posts are making you feel better.

you will get through this. this is just part of modern day life.

i mean, 100 years ago you met a woman when you were 16, married her and that was that. things weren't complicated.

today, everyone's minds are rotted with mtv, the internet, etc.

everyone thinks life is meant to turn out like a movie. but guess what, it doesn't.

life is hard and ugly at times. I mean, kids are dying in africa, baking out in the sun with flies all over them - trust me, no matter what your woman problems are - they aren't REAL problems.

always keep perspective on life man. put yourself out there, keep trying new things, be kind to those around you, be thankful for everything you get (no matter how small) and NEVER put YOUR happiness solely in someone elses hands.

Simple philosophies like that have keep me going through the years. It's pretty funny actually. there have been dry spells where I haven't had a woman and yet in some ways i was even happier than when i did. Id see friends and other folks in relationships and miserable as hell (kidn of like you are right now), yet i was fancy free and doing just fine. All because i don't see my happiness as dependent on anyone but ME

you'll get through this fine.

fyi, depression after a break up is normal. best way to cure depression: download some wayne dyer cds. I swear, you listen to 30-60 minutes of wayne dyer and its impossible to stay depressed.

hehe.

J

 

[Ricky]

I'm still having trouble from one that ended 6 months ago, but then I realize that in the past year, I had:

A 3 year relationship breakup (we still talk and I could have her back if I thought it would be good, it was a mutual breakup)

A 2 month party girl with a smoking body and tons of baggage breakup (this was a good thing, but it still hurts, I liked her alot until i learned of her baggage)

A 6 month relationship with a girl I love to this day and only rarely talk to. I want her back I wont lie. I compare every girl I meet to her. It sucks I know it's wrong but I havent been able to stop it. The pain has gotten to be a bit less but it is still really frustrating for me.

What I didn't realize is that I thought the 6 month deal was causing 100% of the pain, but I think at a deeper level all 3 breakups have some bearing on my cynical attitude towards women.

The absolute weird thing is I rarely want to have one night stands and am totally picky on what type of girl I want to date now. I met 100 girls last month and maybe 5 even at a surface level had a personality I'd be interested in. Many were cute or hot, but it is strange.

 

[joekerr31]

jcrew is right.

I think it comes down to how we saw our parents. We saw dad as the strong, reliable one who got up everyday and went to work, came home tired and never complained, and when little suzie ran up to give him a hug his face lit up.

so chics think that no matter how tough life is or what you are going through at any given time, when they walk in the room you should light up with joy that they are giving you attention. that's what daddy did after all.

in a way men are the same way. little timmy scraps his knee and mommy rushes to his aid and tells him everything will be ok. she patches him up and kisses him. little timmy gets older and when life kicks him in the balls he wants suzie to kiss him and tell him everything will be ok. When Timmy's male friends tell him to "suck it up" that's cool, he appreciates that, but if suzie were to tell him to "suck it up" he's want to knock her out for being such a b*tch.

its so absurd really.

but one thing is true. women think that a "man" is something similar to how their father treated them when they were a child. Which is also why women who were abused by their fathers always end up with abusive husbands.

the human psyche is a sad sad thing at times.
J

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Sweet Mother Mary! A fiance at 19?! You broke up after 3 years, so you've been with her since you were 16 and a sophmore in high school? For fvck sake man,...where is your Father so I can kick his ass?

This girl didn't hurt you son, she's just helped you. You've just been given the best gift a guy in your situation can have handed to him, the freedom of opportunity. She's just steared you both in the right direction. That pain you're experiencing isn't betrayal or depression or even regret, it's the sting from the hand of reality slapping you hard in the face to wake you the fvck up from this 3 year sleepwalking delusion! That pain is meant to shake you out of this horsesh!t fantasy idealization of a ONEitis marriage at 19. 19!!!

I get asked all the time why I bother posting on this forum; I've got a teriffic marriage, a beautiful daughter, an excellent job, etc. I don't need to do this, but it's guys exactly like you, in your situation, that make me feel this is my civic duty to avert disaster for. When I counsel older guys in my postgraduate intership the story is always "how can I make up for the decisions I've made in my life", in effect, how do they fix themselves. But all the crap that they have to unlean starts right where you are boy. How much better would it be to get someone in your state to understand this crap and avert disaster rather than fix it for them when they're 40 with a string of failed marriages in their wake?

I'm not trying get down on you, it's all about coming up and becoming a mature and strong man. What are you doing with yourself right now? Are you in college? Do you have any ambitions or talents? Or have things like this been pushed off to the sidelines while you were with this girl? Let me guess, she was the first (and only) girl you've ever had sex with, you thought she was the ONE and she's the one who's got plans for her life that don't include a supplicating 19 year old guy she knows inside and out after 3 years. I'll bet she's off to college and broke up with you after having been there for her first 3 months. Am I close?

Your post makes you sound like a girl. Why don't you have something better to do? You want to know why she's breaking it off with you? BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO! You've made her the focus of your very brief life. Women should only ever be a compliment to a man's life, never the focus of it. She wants to chat with you on the phone so she'll feel better about making the decision to break it off with you, not so you'll feel better.

Focus on yourself, become a man and mold a life for yourself that women want to become a part of. Get your ass in college, have a plan.

 

[WestCoaster]

Get a world perspective

Rollo's perspective is spot on. First off, why is the initial poster here getting engaged at 19? Why is he having a three-year relationship starting at 16?

One doesn't know jack at 16 or 19, or even 25 to be honest. You think you do. You don't.

THE most important thing you can do at 19 is go to college or trade school (or military or Peace Corps) -- SOMETHING that trains you for the future. What are you going to do if you marry this woman without a career? You'll be a chump with a lousy job the rest of your life.

I gotta admit, I'm disappointed in the American male and how they've taken AFC society, partying, women, live-for-the-moment, booze, drugs, tatoos, etc., as being more important than career development and self-improvement. I posted on the under-18 board that the most important thing they could do is forget about women and focus on their career and I got shouted down by a bunch of morons who wanted to just pick up chicks. Have fun with your unwanted pregnancies, STDs, and future divorces. That woman you are pining for today? You'll be bored with her in the future.

I am advisor at a university with a mix of younger and older students. About every week I get two or more incoming students in their 40's and 50's who did not go to college or dropped out in their 20's. Even though some have risen to high management levels, their bosses have told them they will be leap-frogged by those with a degree, or they can go get a degree. I hear them lament on how they messed up early and stupidly got married at 19 or whatever (and are now divorced) and wished they would've done things differently and gotten a degree in their 20's. I heard this a LOT! I tell some kids this and it just goes in one ear and out the other. The people who don't listen deserve what they get.

If you don't focus on your career and self-improvement in your 20's and focus on women/engagement/marriage, you are doomed for failure.

* Plus, youngsters should be dating dozens of women to find out what they like in a woman. Yes, youth is wasted on the young ... I made many of the same mistakes.

 

[joekerr31]

totally agree with the above post.

im making 6 figures plus because through my life i focused on my own life. women have come and gone, but i've never let the focus on improving MY life go.

and i can tell you with a lot of these women they end up with some smuck who HAS let his focus go. They pop out two kids, put on 40 pounds nad end up wearing jogging pants from walmart all day.

follow some simple principles:

1) You DONT need a woman to feel loved (love yourself!)
2) You DONT need a woman to be happy (learn to be happy with yourself)
3) You have to live your life - so make YOUR life the best it can be
4) If something lasts forever great, but realize theres always the chance it wont - so you should never put all your eggs in one basket, whether its a woman, a job or a friend. Enjoy their company, heck marry her if shes good marriage material, but don't ever let your own life lose its focus just to keep a woman, a job or a friend.

I really saw the value in these principles come my late twenties.

I have friends who are married, and i gotta be honest, for the most part id rather have my nuts kicked in by an NFL punter than live their life.

That said, i know a few who have great great marriages and I'd consider myself fortunate to win the lotery like that. But its rare.

Most marriages seem to be a sick game of fighting and making up and telling each other how disappointed one is with the other.

You got lucky punk
The only thing dumber than getting married at 19 in this day and age is getting married at 18.

J

 

[WestCoaster]

One of the all-time great posts

Joekerr ... Hopefully your post will make the annals of the DJ Bible, it is epic. Props for making 6 figs, wish I was, but you kept your eyes on the prize and deserve it.

Couple great lines that bear repeating:

*****************************************

and i can tell you with a lot of these women they end up with some smuck who HAS let his focus go. They pop out two kids, put on 40 pounds nad end up wearing jogging pants from walmart all day.

*********************************************

and this beauty ... I'm still ROFLMAO

******************************************

I have friends who are married, and i gotta be honest, for the most part id rather have my nuts kicked in by an NFL punter than live their life.

********************************************

I have a life rich with many friends and a strong family. I haven't had an LTR in awhile because I haven't found the right one and I choose not to right now, opting to play the field. I can tell you out of the many friends I have, about 20 percent are happily married, the rest are either miserable or just in cruise control and don't know they're miserable.

But we can yell "focus on yourself" until we turn blue and this site will still be full of "oneitis" stories.

 

[syncmaster]

Whoa!!!! Hold on a sec - you guys are all painting me to be some sappy chump who lets his ex walk all over him. I had a moment of weakness. It happens to everybody.

Just for information sake I'm going to university (on a scholarship for psychology), not college. She's not at the moment. So if anything i would be in the situation to break up.

I run a successful photography business (yes, at 19!) and i'm merging with another company. I'm making about $30 000 CAD a year living at home part time!(again, at 19). I run a scout troop & I play guitar in a blues band that got invited to play at the biggest blues concert in Canada. By no means am I pushing my hobbies to the side or ever have.
I wasn't technically engaged but it was close. We had been together for 3 years and during the last 4 months you could see the decline. I didn't have the balls to break it off - she did. The pain is subsiding & i'm starting to see the forest for the trees. I have more options and more time now than I ever have before so for that, i'm thankful. But it still was a great relationship while it lasted. I grew up & moved on and so did she.

BTW - spider_007, i like the post. It was to the point.

 

[WestCoaster]

Thanks for the updates

I push the crush the AFC panic button when I heard these stories, so it's good to get more details. You have a lot on the ball, don't ever let one woman take you away from your talents and goals.

But yes, being engaged at 19 is pure insanity.