Reality check,living together...

[Krazykev]

This forum has helped me before and I am counting on you guys
to help again .I am single 41 ,got my Sh*t together.And have been in several
LTR.I am currently in a long distance romance with a women.And after 2 yrs I am thinking of moving to her city .(her moving here is not an option )
I currently own my own place and have a great job .But Could adapt .She owns her own place too and is finacially equal to me as far as net worth.But ...
She also has two daughters from a marriage .( daddy pays 1600 pmth child support )
I have lived alone for 6 yrs now and love it .But am seriously ready to make this leap in the next year .
I have spent time with her and her girls and have really enjoyed It ,but I am afraid thats not reality as we are still dating and courting ,not co-inhabitating.
I need input from guys who have kids or have been in a simiuliar situation .
can it work ,what are some off the biggest challenges I will face ?
I want to hear the good the bad and the ugly .What are some of the most signifigant changes you think I will encounter ?
What challenges lay in front of me ?requesting advice ,positive feedback,and a reality check.

 

[Bible_Belt]

If you move in and ex-hubby finds out, he can go to court to try and get her child support reduced. Also, your relationship would go better if you got your own place, assuming you did move to her city. I would suggest trying to find other reasons to move there, and ways that it might benefit your life outside the LTR - career, finance, etc. That way, there is not so much pressure on your relationship. You have to be able to keep at least the appearance of indifference. If you structure your entire life around a woman, you can suddenly appear needy and less attractive. I know several guys who could easily move in with their gf but they don't, because having their own space makes the relationship much easier.

Good luck, whatever you do.

 

[Krazykev]

Thanks Bible belt ,I was planning on getting my own place first and making the leap if all goes well .I'm in Canada, any one know the loegalities of the child support issue .Can my pre-nup exclude me from future payments for 2 rugrats that are not mine biologically ?

 

[Sinistar]

But Could adapt

Adapt => Supplicate???

Why would you want to leave a good home and great job to 'adapt' to a single mom who lives so far away that you'd have to give up your job, close friends, etc.

Just wondering...

 

[Desdinova]

I am currently in a long distance romance with a women.And after 2 yrs I am thinking of moving to her city

I've got a question... Why did you feel the need to look outside your own area for a woman? Also, what are you going to do if the two of you don't work out? How much sacrifice are you making to spend time in a relationship with so many uncertainties?

She also has two daughters from a marriage

There are a lot of things that you may or may not have considered. If her daughters get attached to you and you break up with this woman, what are you going to do about the relationship you had with her daughters? How is this woman going to deal with her daughters losing a potential father figure?

You're not going into a relationship with one woman, you're going into a relationship with one woman and two children. There are three people you could potentially harm if this relationship doesn't work out.

You're also getting into a potential responsibility of supporting all four of you if you decide to move in with her.

I'm amazed that someone could sacrifice everything and move to a different city to be closer to a family that has no relation to him.

 

[Bible_Belt]

this is not legal advice, contact a licensed atty

The general rule is that prenups may not address child support. Also, US courts have held that cohabitation and holding yourself out as a father figure is enough to trigger support obligations upon a breakup; I can only guess that Canada would be at least as liberal, if not more so.

http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Financial_Planning/agreement.html

Child support cannot be limited pursuant to a prenuptial agreement. ...in Canada, provisions regarding child support are invalid.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I suggest getting your own place once you get there and actually date her the way that can't be done effectively long distance. If things go well for an extended period of time, six months maybe even a year, then you are in a better position to think about the future.

 

[joekerr31]

heres the thing with single moms. whether you like it or not she is looking for a daddy.

sure, right now it may not FEEL that way. because right now shes treating you like a lover.

but trust me, in the back of her mind, shes thinking "my girls need a man like this in their lives" - and even further down, whether she realizes it or not, shes thinking 'ahhhh, finally, someone to share the burden of raising children with."

personally i believe that unless the man is an AFC, these situations are typically doomed long term. the reason being is that once you have committed and she knows you have too much invested to walk away, she will change.

suddenly she'll change the dynamics of the relationship from one of courtship to one of sharing the burden. interest in sex will taper off. she'll start holding you accountable for parental items. etc. Not to mention, she'll unload whatever issues she has with the ex onto you. if he cheated on her and she never got to bust his balls for that, she'll start to bust your balls for being a man. sounds crazy, but its astonishing how radically chics can change once they hit the 'comfort' zone of a relationship (ie. they know they can cross the line and nothing horrible will happen as a result).

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember that these single mothers are single for a REASON. either they showed bad judgement in the man they picked or they themselves are messed up in some way you can't see just yet OR, in very rare cases they were in a mature relationship that just wasnt meant to be.

the HUGE problem with women with children is that they, in a way, are looking for an AFC. they don't need the alpha genes anymore, they already got them and produced the kids from them. now they just want someone who will make their life easier.

anyway, there are always exceptions to the rule, but from what i've seen these scenarios usually end up with a guy feeling like he got the short end of hte stick.

 

[dietzcoi]

I hope he comes back here and reads Joekerr's reply.

Nobody on here will advise you that what you are about to do is a good idea. Nobody...

But, will you listen?

Dietzcoi

 

[Krazykev]

Thanks everyone .Lots to think about . why a girl in another city?This girl was my highschool sweetheart and I started dating her 25 yrs ago .We were too young and and things did not work out at that time(probably for the better ).She married ( I wasn't ready at that age)and I moved on .after 17 yrs of no contact she found me through classmates.com.
We met and well lets just say the last 2 yrs have been wonderful .We have a shared past (but don't live in it ) and I feel a stronger connection with her than anyone else I have ever met .The sex is great ,and she respects me and treats me well.I have dated my fair share of women and this one rocks my boat like none other.
Thats why and how of the long distance thing .
Thanks again guys .

 

[WaterTiger]

I hope he comes back here and reads Joekerr's reply.

Nobody on here will advise you that what you are about to do is a good idea. Nobody...

But, will you listen?

Dietzcoi

DUDE! Listen to your Uncle Dietzcoi! Listen to your friends here! But especially listen to your Auntie WaterTiger....
DON'T DO IT! IT'S A BAD IDEA!!!

If you haven't spent at least 6 months in weekly dates...real live face to face dates, then you DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN AT ALL. She could write any creative writing class assignment to you. You know the woman in the letters, but you don't know her.

Yeah, I hear you..."But we talked on the phone for HOURS!"
You talk on the phone with the 900 number girls too! You believe everything they tell ya?

This is a bad, bad idea. Giving up everything you've worked for and set up to go scampering off to another town miles away. Dude...please think about this!

 

[squirrels]

I am single 41 ,got my Sh*t together.

Then why are you...

currently in a long distance romance

...and...

thinking of moving to her city

You have your own place and a great job and you're willing to toss that AWAY for a girl who lives miles away and has two kids from another relationship?

I hope you know what you're doing. Remember, your relationship with this girl failed once before, AND she has a failed marriage to her credit.

The very fact that you're considering a pre-nup to make you not responsible for her kids makes me queasy. You take the woman, you take her kids too. You do something like that, and every time she gets mad at you she'll use those two kids as leverage against you. "You only care about yourself, you won't even help me raise my kids, blah blah blah." Not to mention the kids will give you that "you're not my REAL daddy" crap every time you do something they don't like.

I dunno what to tell you. 25 years is a long time for people to change, and 2 years is a long time to still be seeing someone. And risks are what being "Don-Juan" is all about. But giving up EVERYTHING, including your home and career, over a WOMAN, is usually one of the worst moves a man can make...and I dunno if I've EVER seen it end well.

If you want to move to that town, I'd suggest that you first 1) find a job (or another financial plan) that you enjoy in that city and have it lined up before you jump ship, 2) find a place of your own that you can stay in while you try out living with this woman.

Then at least you're bringing HER into your world, instead of jumping out of YOUR world to live in HERS.

And keep your eyes open. You haven't been there, so you haven't been seeing what goes on day-to-day in her life or the life of her kids. If you're going to make this move, you MUST accept the POSSIBILITY that it won't work out between you and her.

Ask yourself this...if you were to make this move, and if a month after moving you discovered that she wasn't all you thought she was cracked up to be (just assume for a second) and you didn't really want to be with her, would you be sorry you moved?

If the answer is yes, you would be sorry, then you should reconsider making this move.

 

[Desdinova]

This girl was my highschool sweetheart

So you're just living out your fantasy. You know what's so wonderful about fantasies? They're never the same as the real world.

You have to realize that your HS "sweetheart" is nothing like she was back in HS. She went out, got some baggage, and has to drag it around with her everywhere she goes. On top of that, she's somewhere around her 40s. If she has any good looks left, they won't be around for very long.

It sounds like you never truly moved on with your life in the past 25 years.

We were too young and and things did not work out at that time

This is a pretty generic excuse that could be used for any HS dating scenario. May I ask exacly what happened when the two of you split up the first time?

 

[MacAvoy]

I'm going to go with Squirrels on this. Practically everyone on here is going to tell you don't do it. As the most persistant traveller on the path of least resistance, I believe in risk management.

If your going to move, make sure you have someone to rent your house before you do. I wouldn't sell your house unless conditions are ideal and you don't have an emotional attachment to it.

You said you've been seeing each other for the past 2 years. How often in that 2 years have you seen each other? How many times in total have you seen her in the past 2 years? To me, this relationship has been progressing very slowly if your only now considering making the move. Have you been seeing other women?

When you do move there, DO NOT LIVE WITH HER. Not even until you find a place. If you trust her judgement and want her to be involved, have her look for a suitable place for you. It will make her invest in the relationship. She will realize that she has to go out of her way if she wants you to go out of your way.

Depending on your job/education you may want to have a job lined up before you move. However if your highly skilled and can confident you can get a job fairly easily, if you have savings, it is a heck of alot harder to get a job from a different city. I was able to get a job within 2 weeks of moving.

As everyone pointed out, there are going to be surprises, she is a different person when you see her on a regular basis instead of LD. That doesn't mean she's the devil in disguise though. Just be prepared and remove your blinders. Its not your fantasy world that your moving into.

 

[Euthyphro]

Child support

If you feel the need to move to be with this woman be aware that if 1) she and her kids begin to rely on you for financial support and 2) she forebears her child support from the bio-father and 3) you two break up, that some US courts will hold YOU responsible for the future financial support of her children. Point: be very clear what your role will be, what boundaries you have, and do not assume financial responsibility for the family, i.e. get a lawyer! I would bet that Canadian courts hold very similarly on issues like this one.

 

[ElChoclo]

This scenario crops up regularly. Why isn't it an option for her to move where you live?

Once you answer that one, you will have your answer to the whole problem.

 

[sparky0000]

am i the only one who finds dating women with children to be a bit perverse and sick? maybe i have spent too much time in ukraine. even 45 year old vodka addicted ukraine guys wouldn't touch a woman who has had kids.

 

[Bible_Belt]

two daughters from a marriage

Did you ever say how old the daughers are?

 

[decades]

Knowing what I know now, after making Plenty of relationship mistakes, I would say do not give up your life and move to be with her.

The HS thing is about reliving a "fantasy". Yes, SHE ROCKS. But think about what you are giving up and what you are getting. You have to uproot, you have to find new employment, just to be with your old sweetie who now is divorced and has kids.

She looked you up for a reason. She needs someone, and thought of you. I also have to ask, why not meet someone close to home? LD relationships have push pull excitement built into them. Since you don't see each other often, each time you do is like meeting for the first time all over again. There is passion and intrigue and none of the "realities" of daily life.

You don't need to settle down. You don't need to be married. You don't need a live in. Those are nice to haves not need to haves. You can create this on your own without having to refashion your life to relive a fantasy.

Move forward. Meet "new" people. Think long and hard about this.

regards