Ready for monogamy, but screwed it up

[mrtastycakes]

My goal is for this to be my first and last thread, but that's not how it's gonna play out as it stands now. I am a stupid idiot for everything happening here, so no need to point it out. I'm a middle-aged man and this is all unbelievably childish, and it's my fault. But i hope you can put that aside offer some practical advice for the situation.

So the TLDR is that in my previous LTR, I got afraid of commitment (I'm not a LTR guy), and I dumped her. I had several epiphanies since then and realized that I'm ultimately ready to settle down, specifically with her. I've screwed around long enough and finally found someone good, and I was just afraid. But that's really not the subject of discussion here. The subject is how I can unscrew it up.

The bad news is I dumped her (twice), ghosted her afterwards (several times and without explanation), and then had this change of heart 5 months later, so naturally, she does not trust me when I say I'm ready to commit. Additionally, she is seeing another guy and has been for a few months. He treats her like dog**** and refuses to commit while she's still talking to me (He absolutely hates that I'm her "best friend"), but he has an interesting life and is friends with famous people she likes.

The good(?) news is we stayed "best friends" (ie we talk to and see each other a lot, and occasionally were still physical/sexual) throughout all that, and she still confirms that she loves me and wants to be with me. The issue is now she's entangled with a new guy she's curious about possibilities with, and she doesn't know if I can be trusted to not just dump her again. How do I fix that? That's the main thing.


Also, when I texted her the other night and told her I wanted to get back together, they were together and it caused a huge fight, since new guy doesn't want her to talk to me anymore. The result is she wants to take a week off from talking to me to "see what it's like" and also to "make sure my feelings are real." This week coincides perfectly with the last week this guy is in town before he leaves for a couple weeks. Doesn't sound like a coincidence to me, but what do I know. He regularly goes out of town.

So my question is what do I do to get back together? I know there's going to be a lot of "cut her off and go screw around some more" advice--great advice tbh--but I have done that repeatedly and it is just not what I wanted. TIA, let it rip.

 

[The Duke]

Just be patient, don't push. If it was meant to be everything will fall into place.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Read up on attachment types. You sound like the avoidant type, while she's an anxious type.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Agree 100% with @catsmeow2 on this. Your fear is irrational and rooted somewhere. You gotta figure that out and communicate about it.

As to this girl and the relationship you gotta let it ride. You have to rebuild trust and you can’t get all desperate & chase her.

The other guys frame is not good. He should not have allowed contact with you as an ex lover, and she is going behind his back with you but perhaps they are not exclusive.

So that means patient & consistent. It’s a waiting game & she may already be gone for good. Depends how new guy stacks up against you. She has feels for you, but essentially you have to let him screw up.

Do not become a needy puppy. But be warm & receptive.

Fear is a real thing in relationships for men too at times, it’s not just a female thing. This is a case of fear robbing a dude of a good girl. Always leave baggage at the door. You must see each interaction as it’s own unique thing and not let fear or past hurts cripple you in the present. This post is Exhibit A as to why & what becomes the result.

You do not want to become your own negative self fulfilling prophecy.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Get into therapy, starting talking to different women, and detach yourself from this ex.

 

[ubercat]

Yea for me it's one and done. When it comes to relationships there are normally multiple reasons. Build the past baggage on top of those fault lines and it is very low probability that this is going to work out. And it is brilliant that you understand you need to work on yourself because this is going to keep biting you for sure

 

[mrtastycakes]

Advice from the old lady:

Agree 100% with @catsmeow2 on this. Your fear is irrational and rooted somewhere. You gotta figure that out and communicate about it.

As to this girl and the relationship you gotta let it ride. You have to rebuild trust and you can’t get all desperate & chase her.

The other guys frame is not good. He should not have allowed contact with you as an ex lover, and she is going behind his back with you but perhaps they are not exclusive.

So that means patient & consistent. It’s a waiting game & she may already be gone for good. Depends how new guy stacks up against you. She has feels for you, but essentially you have to let him screw up.

Do not become a needy puppy. But be warm & receptive.

Fear is a real thing in relationships for men too at times, it’s not just a female thing. This is a case of fear robbing a dude of a good girl. Always leave baggage at the door. You must see each interaction as it’s own unique thing and not let fear or past hurts cripple you in the present. This post is Exhibit A as to why & what becomes the result.

You do not want to become your own negative self fulfilling prophecy.

So in the ensuing days since I posted this, after one day of silence, she has been sending me a Snapchat message every day. One to ask my advice, one to laugh at something I posted, and then mostly just those Cameo/emoji messages. All pretty innocuous except the preset Cameos of "why are you doing this to me" and "my life was boring before I met you," but both with the caveat that the image is extremely goofy and not serious-looking. I've just been responding in kind with images, but not directly saying anything.

Is that the right move or should I do something else?

 

[BeExcellent]

Here’s the right move:

“I’m headed to watch the World Series.” You should join me.

Invite her along. If she recoils, go quiet & let her reach out.

 

[SW15]

You sound like the avoidant type, while she's an anxious type.

Avoidant and anxious types get together way too frequently. Male anxious and female avoidants are also common.

 

[Gamisch]

You gotta stand for something OP. Although in the DJ world you might have done some things right( as dumping instead of getting dumped) you also did alotta things wrong( as being her fckkng bestie).

Look , I had this women on my sort of roster. I never considered her as LTR material, but whenever I had a dryspell I could hit her up. Then , one day she blocked me . Met her when she walked her dog and she told me she has a bf. Yes a little fomo kicked in, but you know what I told myself?

" Gamisch, you had your chance. You had at least 20 opportunities to make her your gf but you felt like you could do better? Oke. Now LET HER GO. "

Ofcourse dude is agitated. You playing her brother while you clearly want more now. Step the F back and let her experience her new relationship to the fullest without you distracting her .

Stand for something. You made a decision, now live with it . She basically tried to help you to man tf up by " taking a besties break" (ridiculous ) . Use this opportunity to cut ties completly. You had your shot, you didn't take it . And life goes on.

I respectfully disagree with people saying you should wait it out. If you were both single it might be a possibility. But she is in a RELATIONSHIP with some1 else, after giving you multiple chances. C'mon man. Let her go and learn to recognize and appreciate good things in the future.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So in the ensuing days since I posted this, after one day of silence, she has been sending me a Snapchat message every day. One to ask my advice, one to laugh at something I posted, and then mostly just those Cameo/emoji messages. All pretty innocuous except the preset Cameos of "why are you doing this to me" and "my life was boring before I met you," but both with the caveat that the image is extremely goofy and not serious-looking. I've just been responding in kind with images, but not directly saying anything.

Is that the right move or should I do something else?

You should leave her alone because she is obviously playing games with you.