Reached my tipping point of AFCishness

[Matt Rogers]

I am absolutely disgusted with the lack of improvement I have made in the area of woman this year. I am at college, and from the start have had these incredible resources avaliable for me, but due to my fear, and emotional problems I have been unable to change from my serious, polite, nervous self, to the charismatic, upbeat, self-assured person I desire to be. I have consistently ducked out of golden opportunities to approach girls, and the few girls I have met and approached merely sweet talk me, and keep me on as a casual friend and persist in talking about their boyfriends as if trying to goad me.

I have a lot going for me-I am fairly attractive, have a good physique, am intelligent and am ambitious, so I have no reason not to succeed, but after a year at college as a fresher I have not had one date, let alone kissed one girl (in my whole life may I add).

I realise what is holding me back, but seem unable to change. I am too serious, remain rather flat after depression a few years back (although I am a lot happier on the inside) and fear rejection and criticism too much. Added to this is shyness, in the form of freezing up in social situations.

I have 6 weeks left of term, and I need to make big changes in my life. I am tired of procrastinating and rationalising, and am prepared to do anything to make the transition, so that I can lead a full and active social and romantic life next year.

What I require is a program to transform me into an assured, socially adept individual. I have looked at the Boot camps, and while they have certain elements I like, they do not deal that well with personality changes, which is what I require.

Help will be much appreciated
Matt

 

[Don-Wan Kenobi]

I am too serious, remain rather flat after depression a few years back (although I am a lot happier on the inside) and fear rejection and criticism too much. Added to this is shyness, in the form of freezing up in social situations.

Hmmmmn,

I've noticed this pattern in a lot of posters (not just here).

shyness
depression
fear of criticism
fear of rejection
being much too serious
freezing up in social situations

and not getting any play whatsoever

And often, I've noticed this pattern in myself. I have had some success in the past but not the kind of success I am looking for. See, I'm convinced that all this talk over this is AFC and that is AFC just doesn't do ANYTHING for people with these sort of social impedements.

It might be great for the captain of the basketball team, who's showered with attention but can't seem to keep a steady girlfriend. But for those of us who seem to have AFC down but have these other obstacles, we need something else.

Here's what an AFC is: oblivious and possibly unconcerned about behaviors that prevent him from getting the women he wants. And this is the case whether or not he is a virgin or someone who has had more than a couple of sexual partners. He does not go for what he wants. Instead, he only goes for a woman when he is almost certain she will give him what he is after. He has preconceived ideas about what women want and what women don't want and will refused to entertain any idea that is in direct conflict with those of his own. Usually, when an AFC gets laid it has little do to with anything he has consciously done to make it to that point. He gets lucky. This tends to happen to ALL AFCs from time to time, but you could drop one of these guys off at the front steps of a whoorehouse with a fistfull of Benjamins and return a week later to catch him holding his own dyck.

There's your AFC. 99% of guys on the internet.

And if I'm mistaken in that my skills and former gimmicks got me play, and it was all luck... I'm one of them.

And the internet is chalk full of advice that in order to have the kind of success with women that you are looking for, you have to overcome your AFC behaviors...

My concern is that...

I am too serious, remain rather flat after depression a few years back (although I am a lot happier on the inside) and fear rejection and criticism too much. Added to this is shyness, in the form of freezing up in social situations.

... is DIFFERENT from AFC altogether.

One ASFer undertook the creation of a Web Resource for WBAFCs (way-below average frustrated chumps), which seemed to deal with the more psychological aspects of game but turned into a plug for EFT, which will cost you time and money.

I'm going to investigate this "too serious, depressed, and affraid of criticism" phenomenon and see if I can't in the future lay some groundwork for members who aren't AFCs but aren't PUAs by a long-shot BECAUSE of these social-psychological impediments.

DWK

 

[quicksilver]

start lifting weights or atleast working out if you aren't already.
not only will it help you look good it's also a great place to pick up chicks. and any muscle you gain should help you with some new found confidence.
Good Luck!!

 

[SideShow Bob]

My Man

Momentum.

Life is all about momentum.

It sounds like you right now are at the lowest point imaginable, where you are not getting period. BUT, you are not. You have the looks you say, and you have the intelligence... What you are lacking is the experience and the confidence.

Now. In order to change this, let me recommend this.

1. Since there are six weeks left in your term, I recommend going to a party, be it end of year, fraternity... whatever... Get buzzed, not drunk, but buzzed. Start dancing, and just grind, and go for the kiss. It is inevitable that you will get some making out.

I know this sounds low.. BUT. Life is momentum. Get your start, build confidence at these parties, and take it from there.

 

[USSOCOM]

What SSB said is very true, but if you truly want to be what you say (charismatic, funny, exciting etc.) then you need to change your mental image of yourself. YOU are preventing yourself from being who you want to be, YOU are. I suggest you read the post BE, DO, HAVE then apply that. Once you've figured out why your not letting yourself be the guy you want to be (what others will think of you,not comfortable with yourself etc.) then you can start on with your road to success.

 

[FlyGuy]

Its not like this is some new phenomenon... I think it boils down to depression and a crappy self-image. I can say this because I am going through the same difficulties. What he describes is almost exactly what I am (too serious, depressed, shy, afraid of criticism and rejection, etc.) These are serious, deeply ingrained psychological conditions and behaviors. For me, these personality traits have been with me for so long I have trouble identifying myself without them. It is almost impossible for me to even envision myself differently or people reacting differently to me. These ideas are further enforced by real life events. For example, whenever I try to break out of my old image and try new behaviors I am ridiculed or simply not taken seriously. What makes it all even worse is the fact that I'm going bald at a young age. Where I merely had difficulty approaching women before, now I find it a sheer test of willpower.

I've been trying for a long time to break out of this psychological trap but so far I've only met with marginal success. The solution seems simple and yet it is frustratingly elusive. All I need to do is change the way I think about myself and the world. Unfortunately being a realist I can't ignore the truth. People see me as a skinny “nerd” type who is going bald. My psychological condition is locked into place by my physical appearance. I can't think of my rapidly thinning hair as something that women will consider attractive. At best, I can only imagine that there are SOME women out there that will be able to look past it.

So what I’m doing now is trying to change the way I look to improve my appearance and hopefully change the way I see myself. I’ve been doing all the obvious things – shaving my head, working out, putting together a better wardrobe, getting contacts instead of glasses, etc. It’s a slow process though, and I have a long way to go in improving. I’ve also been changing aspects of my lifestyle to help boost my self image. I play guitar so I started up a band with some friends, moved into a better apartment, etc. Although my self image is slowly improving, I still can’t picture myself as someone who is good-looking. It all gets back to the hair unfortunately, which is something that I can’t change.

I figure the only way to get past this is to actually start going out and practicing the DJ skills. I’ve tried before, but always got knocked off track. Part of the problem here is that I have no good way of meeting girls other than on the street, which IMO is the most difficult place to practice. Hopefully once I have a better body I will have the confidence I need to stay on track.

 

[PEACEDJ]

What you desire is women. What you require isn't what you shouldn't be requiring. Right now, your main focus is to be a self confident human being who knows himself and learns how to HAVE FUN! If you don't have fun at this stage of AFC then your progress will be slower then average. Don't worry about anything, don't give a damn about rejection, see women as some other human being on the face of the earth.

Ask yourself a question. "If you get rejected, what is the worst thing that can happen?" the answer NOTHING will happen, other then the fact that you gain more experience. College is suppose to be fun dude don't keep thinking about how you should change, instead focus on how you can become a self-content human being.

PS. It's good that you are aware of your negative traits, but instead of thinking please stop thinking for a moment and actually try to change that. You keep thinking like this and pretty soon your head will explode.

 

[Starman]

"People see me as a skinny “nerd” type who is going bald. "

Fly guy,

This is your main problem. There is a term in Cognitive Psychology called "Mind Reading" ..thinking you know what others are thinking of you.

#2 You should train yourself not to care what People think. Its too stressful.

Matt,

I can honestly say I know how you feel. I was like you 10 years ago. But for me, I didnt have this site or anyone to talk to.

Changing your personality is unattainable. I used to be a serious guy myself..and lost alot of women, friends, job opportunities..because I was a stiff.

At some point in my life I said.."Im not going to edit my personality..inhibit it or anything.." I will be myself..and if people dont like it they can go fvck off.

That was the turning point in my life..I realizd being myself..actually drew more friends, women, and jobs towards me. I try to still be serious with important things..but many people in my social circle see me as a laid back, funny , sarcastic, intelligent individual.

My take is you will reach this point some day in your life..but start working on it..its frustrating I know. But have patience..and work on bringing out the inner you..and stop inhibiting yourself.

 

[FlyGuy]

Hey, I just go off of personal feedback - I don't claim to be a mind reader. Numerous people have told me I look like a nerd type, whether I know them personally or not. Its not a matter of mind-reading, its just the way I appear to most people. Stereotyping is a ****ty aspect of the human mind sometimes. It probably has something to do with having glasses, being skinny, not wearing trendy clothes, appearing shy, etc. These are all things I've been trying to change.

Also:

"#2 You should train yourself not to care what People think. Its too stressful."

Actually I DIDN'T care what people thought about me for a long time, and that's what got me in the situation I'm in now. I didn't care what people thought about the way I dressed, or the way I appeared, and I didn't work on my social skills. I became more and more closed off and in the end desperate for female companionship.

 

[Starman]

I dont mean "mind reading" as in a swami or ESP..People make cognitive misperceptions about themselves "Ohh that girl probably thinks Im a nerd..she wont like me"

When in reality , you have no clue what she is thinking, and that she might like you.

It sounds like you know what to fix about you..don't weigh the words of others..more than your own self-concept.

Sure you may have "nerd" attributes..but once you believe that you are a nerd because of societies labels..than you are in hot water

 

[FlyGuy]

OK, yeah I know what you mean... actually the nerd image is easy to get rid of. So what are you, a psyche major? The thing I really need to overcome is the bald handicap. I don't really know how to overcome that one and I can't change it. I'm hoping that I can compensate with a better body. I'm not there yet so I don't know how well that will work.

 

[Vassago]

All I can say is that Ive been in your shoes.

You need to jumpstart your life, and you are definitely right when you say a boot camp isnt gonna do it. Most of the guys who write up those boot camps are arm-chair seductionists anyways.

I feel that everything in life is 50% physical and 50% mental. Great suggestion on hitting the gym. I suggest commiting yourself to some kind of physical activity and doing it at least 3 times a week. There used to be a guy in here WAY BACK named 6 AM Runner. He decided to change his life and he started getting up every morning at 6 am and running 5 miles. The confidence he gained from making a plan, sticking to it, and seeing the results was awesome.

As far as the mental goes, I can tell you right now that reading and posting to forums like this can only get you so far. Thats why you won't see me in here very often. Quit now before you get addicted (And you WILL get addicted if you don't quit! It happened to me!).

I suggest you check out the Double Your Dating advanced cds. They basically give you a complete breakdown of how this **** works and tell you exactly what steps and techniques to use to get really good with women. Ive been studying this **** for WAAAAAY too long (5 years) and it took me about 3 years to get really good. If these CDs had been around when I was starting out it I would have had it much easier.

In addition to that, I recomment you find a friend or two that is really good with women and pick their brain and watch them work. I did this for years and it really helps to get a perspective on things.

Good luck!

 

[Hypoxia]

PEACEDJ is right...

I was the same way.. I started running and eating a better diet and trying to be more active and low and behold i felt better about myself.. suddenly what others thought meant nothing because i felt good about myself. as a result of that i have more fun. i am more open for conversation with other people.. ive been on this kick for about 2 months now and i have met 3 women who are always asking me to do things with them... just keep at it.. you will get results but you cant quit, its all in your mind.








if rejection = pain, remeber, pain is nothing but weakness leaving the body

 

[Itsatisfies]

Dude, chicks at college WANNA get banged. I wait tables, the other day I was being C&F to one of my tables. I ended up taking BOTH girls to the back of the resturaunt and hooking up with them both. I got one of their numbers but I don't know her name, (o well) just go for it, what are they gonna do kick your a$$? Go to a bar, be ****y and go in for the kiss. Look at it like this, most of the girls you see out you'll probably never see again, so don't worry about what they think. Also their usually too drunk to remember WTF happened at a bar.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Wow! Thanks a lot. I realise now that it is not AFCishness per se, that is my problem, but inhibition.

Starman, that was really good advice. When I am at my best, I am truly happy with myself, and witty, intelligent and dynamic. I just have to figure out what is preventing me from being like that all the time.

I have read the ****y and Funny stuff on DYD, and I can see how it can be effective, but at the moment, it does not really fit with my seriousness and shyness, so I will work on the latter before incorporating some C and F into the equation.

There are parties and bars on every night, so there is no excuse really. Usually I avoid these, as I can never hear anyone let alone myself talk, but I will try to attend more this term.