Quick Question

[Fruitbat]

Right, no lectures on the wisdom of this move but I am looking for a woman to start a family.

Do I select "definately" "not sure" or "I'd rather not say" to the question "do you want kids?"

I had "not sure" before.

The issue is, I think women seem to see men wanting kids as bad.

However, I can see some women wanting men at this age who want kids.

I am 35.

Do I put I definitely want kids? I do. However, I am afraid it comes off very, very beta and loser. However, I may not be attracting the right woman.

I assume many of the early 30s women I want are probably looking at this.....I am worried the "not sure" to a woman looking for thisis a bad thing

 

[wolf]

Be honest.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Be honest.

I agree. Absolutely nothing wrong with a man wanting a family and being honest about it. However online dating is most definitely gonna produce some crazy women in your specific age range.

 

[sazc]

I agree, be honest. It's actually going to attract more females to you if you put that down. Before any of them get too baby crazy with a totally stranger, you can temper the declaration by letting them know, in conversation, you see yourself dating someone for X years and then married for X more years before you pop one out with someone. Hopefully you are looking to date younger then you are. Kids are challenging to any relationship. Make sure you are in a solid one before you have any.

 

[Fruitbat]

Right, I have done so.

Just remembering how weird OLD is.

One thing I have found, over and over, is that UK women don't like me generally and Euro women seen to love me. I worry this is a bad thing, but I have replies from every single one, and not a single english woman.

I speak Russian in a minor way, perhaps it's that.....I see UK women several leagues below who won't touch me with a barge pole.

Is the west so superficial that you need to be a 10 and a doctor? I don't get it. I am slightly heavy now, not fat. I know for a fact male overweightness is much less looked down upon by EE women....perhaps it's this. Or perhaps I'm being gold digged? Either way, I am getting absolute zero from UK women, nothing whatsoever.

 

[Desdinova]

Right, no lectures on the wisdom of this move but I am looking for a woman to start a family.

Do I select "definately" "not sure" or "I'd rather not say" to the question "do you want kids?"

You should answer "no" to finding your future wife on an online dating site.

 

[Fruitbat]

You should answer "no" to finding your future wife on an online dating site.

I have absolutely no chance whatsoever of meeting women in real life. This is the UK. People do not mingle unless they are drunk,and I do not want a woman from a bar.

I have found some decent professional women to date online, didn't work out, but not crazy. I work long hours, so do some women. At 35, what am I going to do? Join a book club? Hit on my married friends wives (who have basically no single friends),or cruise around beaches 200 miles away and pick up chicks? Or do I chat up 18 year old hotel staff when I travel on business? Or co-workers? Clients? Just approach women in the supermarket, despite MOST women in my range being married? I'm not sure where you are, but real life options are limited for a man working50 hour weeks in a very demanding. high profile job. The last "real" women I attempted to date was a client, didn't end well. Then, a friend of a friend, not suited, didn't end well. I'm not sure whereb single early 30s women hang out, but I am not hanging around pubs chatting women up like a teenager,and I do not have the looks to just get interest in the street.

 

[BeExcellent]

Where are you in UK? Depending on where you are you might consider charity events, art openings, places where women can contribute to something bigger than themselves.

Then there are fitness centric activities.

You should truly focus on getting into great shape. The sort of woman you'll want is going to have choices and being overweight is not serving you well.

Tons of single women are runners for example. You might meet some people (men and women) at 5Ks.

Working all the time is not getting you where you want to go so you'll have to do something different.

 

[Fruitbat]

Where are you in UK? Depending on where you are you might consider charity events, art openings, places where women can contribute to something bigger than themselves.

Then there are fitness centric activities.

You should truly focus on getting into great shape. The sort of woman you'll want is going to have choices and being overweight is not serving you well.

Tons of single women are runners for example. You might meet some people (men and women) at 5Ks.

Working all the time is not getting you where you want to go so you'll have to do something different.

I find running and jogging is frequented by women I have no interest in - silly,middle class airheads who just want to do it for coffee with their braindead friends. Same with the gym....I would take a slightly out of shape woman any day over an empty vessel who has nothing but "how hot can I look to get the most handsome man to adorn my arm" Literally, I'd rather stick it in my couch than risk having sons and daughters of a similar ilk.

Then, this pushes me into a lifestyle which I don't want.....being dragged around her stupid social events like a maniquin, whilst being tied to the gym for the sake of her superficial need to allow her to demonstrate social value - fvck that, I'd rather hire a hooker or marry a thai bride.

I really don't want a woman who is fit, or hot. They are complete idiots usually. Just a middle of the road girl hopefully with an interest in matters other than her social life and her SATC need to parade some bodybuilder around her friends like a rich man and a bimbo.

I just am not sure if they exist.

I am in Bristol. Lots and lots of these "oh my Goooood! Wow XXX Let's do the 5K for charity and grab a starbucks #somestupidhashtag" dumbasses.

I am losing weight rapidly, so I agree this needs to happen.

 

[BeExcellent]

Ok. Good for you on the getting in shape bit.

You don't want to meet women in bars; you don't want a hot or a or obsessively fit chick (a fit chick will have children with fewer issues during pregnancy and will regain her figure quicker AND she will teach your children healthy habits.)

You are going to have to deal with some amount of BS in picking a suitable chick. That's life. The best girl for you is not going to suddenly appear at your front door one day. It's going to take you getting out some socially one way or other.

If you have the means you might consider to hire a matchmaking service. Less romantic? Maybe at first but I know several happily married couples who met that way. The nice thing in each case was they knew they wanted to find someone to marry & have a family with, and the service saved them valuable time by pairing them with other people who had similar goals.

In each couple who I know personally both the man and the woman were serious about meeting a life mate, in fact my best friend went this route at the insistence of her father after she broke off a 5 year relationship. She is happily married with children now nearly 20 years. She is trim, beautiful, smart, educated and never had trouble meeting men. She was unsure about the matchmaker at first but she met her spouse in short order and things worked out well. Her husband is a nice looking, successful, educated, charismatic leader. He was previously married & tired of floozies. He has always been the head of that household and they have a great marriage. She greatly admires and respects him.

So perhaps that is a thought? The advantage according to my friends is that the service does the initial vetting. This helps you sort for people who possess the characteristics you seek in a mate. It's highly personalized and not cheap, the one my girlfriend used charged both men and women several thousand dollars for concierge type service. But my friends are quite open that it worked for them.

 

[Desdinova]

I have absolutely no chance whatsoever of meeting women in real life. This is the UK. People do not mingle unless they are drunk,and I do not want a woman from a bar.

I think you're better off meeting a woman in a bar than online. Women will drag out their anti-social friends for some fun every once in a while. Those are the women you need to find.

I work long hours, so do some women.

I used to work long hours as well. I was holding down two jobs at one point. I worked hard, but I made sure I played hard in my free time. Even though I was working close to 60 hours a week, I still made the time to go out, be social, and meet women.

I'm not sure whereb single early 30s women hang out, but I am not hanging around pubs chatting women up like a teenager

Why are you limiting yourself to women in their 30s? I'm turning 40 in less than a year, and my GF is turning 24 this week.

I do not have the looks to just get interest in the street.

No, the problem is you don't have the personality to get interest out in public. You need to work on that.

You're putting up your own roadblocks. You've limited the age range of available women, you aren't making use of your available free time, you aren't opening new doors to meeting women, and you're not working on your personality to make yourself more interesting as a human being which would not only attract more women, but would likely improve your interactions with your clients.

Online dating is best used when you absolutely cannot go out and meet women in public. I'm talking about 3:00-6:00 in the morning kind of hours. That is how you optimize your time for meeting women.

I don't like hearing about how difficult it is to meet women outside of online dating. You have to get creative and make your available time work for you. You need to optimize it, and work on optimizing your personality to make yourself more interesting. I used my second job to improve on the things I was lacking in my personality. I learned to approach new employees and help make them feel comfortable, and I worked on making myself more enthusiastic and passionate about things. People are automatically attracted to those two qualities.

You need to get outside your comfort zone and try some new things, not only with your methods of meeting women, but ways of interacting with people. You can open up a whole bunch of new doors just by working on yourself. Making excuses for your failures is only going to ensure that you continue to fail. Look failure in the eye, tell it to go fvck itself, and start making things work for you.

 

[Fruitbat]

I think you're better off meeting a woman in a bar than online. Women will drag out their anti-social friends for some fun every once in a while. Those are the women you need to find.

Those women are the ones I want.



I used to work long hours as well. I was holding down two jobs at one point. I worked hard, but I made sure I played hard in my free time. Even though I was working close to 60 hours a week, I still made the time to go out, be social, and meet women.

I would have to do this alone as my social group are couples and I'm becoming the single mate the women don't like, because I don't need to moderate my outlook

Why are you limiting yourself to women in their 30s? I'm turning 40 in less than a year, and my GF is turning 24 this week.

You cannot do this with poor facial genetics. I got pretty ripped at 32 and never once had a woman under 30 show interest.

No, the problem is you don't have the personality to get interest out in public. You need to work on that.

I am sales rep for a large company and I regularly present to groups of 50 or more. I have lots of personality. I don't have looks. You are doing that thing that good looking people do where they deny their good fortune and ascribe it to their personality.

You're putting up your own roadblocks. You've limited the age range of available women, you aren't making use of your available free time, you aren't opening new doors to meeting women, and you're not working on your personality to make yourself more interesting as a human being which would not only attract more women, but would likely improve your interactions with your clients.

I play a musical instrument to a very high standard, I do not know a single person in my social or work life who could compete on basis of historical and intellectual knowledge, to the extent people get bored and moan when I start talking about conceptual things, as most people talk about cars and reality TV. I play 3 sports regularly (Golf, snooker, soccer), and the one thing in life I have had consistent compliments on is my intellect, which is one of the few things I am confident about.

The 2 men I know who score tons of women are pretty dull but very, very good looking. Women don't want interesting people, they want men who are popular, powerful and good looking, not men with intellectual interests.

Online dating is best used when you absolutely cannot go out and meet women in public. I'm talking about 3:00-6:00 in the morning kind of hours. That is how you optimize your time for meeting women.

I will try to be more social but I have a long history of being told to fvck off when I attempt to approach women, as I have a pug nose and a weak jaw.

I don't like hearing about how difficult it is to meet women outside of online dating. You have to get creative and make your available time work for you. You need to optimize it, and work on optimizing your personality to make yourself more interesting. I used my second job to improve on the things I was lacking in my personality. I learned to approach new employees and help make them feel comfortable, and I worked on making myself more enthusiastic and passionate about things. People are automatically attracted to those two qualities.

I did that very well for a while, and ended up with 2 NPD women basically taking the piss out of me.....I am yet to overcome the fear of it happening again, I am talking drawing you in just to laugh at you with their friends. That was me driving a BMW, very fit, and very successfull. I gave up hope for 2 years. These women go out with losers, with rubbish jobs, yet both are very good looking....go figure.

You need to get outside your comfort zone and try some new things, not only with your methods of meeting women, but ways of interacting with people. You can open up a whole bunch of new doors just by working on yourself. Making excuses for your failures is only going to ensure that you continue to fail. Look failure in the eye, tell it to go fvck itself, and start making things work for you.
Did that before as per above. I think gym and cosmetic surgery are more important than what's going on in my personal life, as I have a ton to offer any women who wants something other than just a hot guy to put on facebook.

Be happy for what you have mate. Some people aren't capable of it.

 

[sazc]

@Fruitbat I ddnt read every post but I do think you should "turn that frown upside down". continue to do what you are doing to meet females, expand your 'looking' into social areas like BeExcellent suggested, and change your inner narrative to "I am a catch, the right female will see that". Stop the inner negativity. I dont care if you feel as if you are lying to yourself, fake it till you make it. Your inner narrative will seep out, even if you dont 'say' it to people, and females are not attracted to males that believe they are lesser. Just consider it.

 

[Fruitbat]

@Fruitbat I ddnt read every post but I do think you should "turn that frown upside down". continue to do what you are doing to meet females, expand your 'looking' into social areas like BeExcellent suggested, and change your inner narrative to "I am a catch, the right female will see that". Stop the inner negativity. I dont care if you feel as if you are lying to yourself, fake it till you make it. Your inner narrative will seep out, even if you dont 'say' it to people, and females are not attracted to males that believe they are lesser. Just consider it.

The issue is, I did all of this, and all I found was women who just used me for attention or to humiliate me. I appreciate the thought, I'll have to try, but the last time I got my confidence up and started approaching women and being more sociable....being honest, I just found this to be dangerous. I found narcs everywhere.....from guys playing the predictable game of one-upmanship and derranged females looking to sap you for all you are worth. Being outgoing made me vulnerable.....when you have had a woman recognise your confidence, lure you in to humiliate you by sharing your conversations with colleagues....very difficult to get that power back, because I feel the world is full of "tricksters" who want to pull you into their games.

It was utterly depraved what that woman did to me and I don't feel like I will ever get it back. She's doing even better now she sucked the life out of me, *****.

4 years since this happened.

Reading this back it's clearly not a healthy outlook. I basically withdrew from everything, fell out with most of my friends (as I was so wounded from this mental abuse), and closed off. Now, I can't find where to start (other than gym and healthy eating). All of this, a decent man ruined for the sake of some woman's ego. Oh, and also, she painted it to my colleagues as "harrasment" so a lot of them now won't deal with me, despite she instigated the whole thing. I found out last year I might have been offered a job she wanted....so she ruined my reputation and confidence to get me out of the running.

So, that was the one hot girl I really went for when I was at the top of my game. I could have coped with a "no thanks" but to have this happen....and there's no justice. No redemption....no wonder I am struggling to try again.

 

[resilient]

I find running and jogging is frequented by women I have no interest in - silly,middle class airheads who just want to do it for coffee with their braindead friends. Same with the gym....I would take a slightly out of shape woman any day over an empty vessel who has nothing but "how hot can I look to get the most handsome man to adorn my arm" Literally, I'd rather stick it in my couch than risk having sons and daughters of a similar ilk.

Then, this pushes me into a lifestyle which I don't want.....being dragged around her stupid social events like a maniquin, whilst being tied to the gym for the sake of her superficial need to allow her to demonstrate social value - fvck that, I'd rather hire a hooker or marry a thai bride.

Lots and lots of these "oh my Goooood! Wow XXX Let's do the 5K for charity and grab a starbucks #somestupidhashtag" dumbasses.

Funny post, man. That's hilarious that you're in England and find these types. We have airhead fitness freaks here too on across the pond. You see posts those hashtag selfie posts like the one you wrote above on Instagram, Snapchat and Fb often.

"Hiiiiii! AMFG! Becky and I just ran a 10 miler. So #exhausted. Grabbing boba tea next." (followed by a bunch of heart emojis)

 

[Fruitbat]

Funny post, man. That's hilarious that you're in England and find these types. We have airhead fitness freaks here too on across the pond. You see posts those hashtag selfie posts like the one you wrote above on Instagram, Snapchat and Fb often.

"Hiiiiii! AMFG! Becky and I just ran a 10 miler. So #exhausted. Grabbing boba tea next." (followed by a bunch of heart emojis)

#Dumb#bitches#are#everywhere .....

I saw an event recently.... #prossecoandpercussion

That event was so airheaded I thought it summed up their limited interests perfectly....basically cheap champagne and ethnic music #soooodiverse heart heart

 

[sazc]

The issue is, I did all of this, and all I found was women who just used me for attention or to humiliate me. I appreciate the thought, I'll have to try, but the last time I got my confidence up and started approaching women and being more sociable....being honest, I just found this to be dangerous. I found narcs everywhere.....from guys playing the predictable game of one-upmanship and derranged females looking to sap you for all you are worth. Being outgoing made me vulnerable.....when you have had a woman recognise your confidence, lure you in to humiliate you by sharing your conversations with colleagues....very difficult to get that power back, because I feel the world is full of "tricksters" who want to pull you into their games.

It was utterly depraved what that woman did to me and I don't feel like I will ever get it back. She's doing even better now she sucked the life out of me, *****.

4 years since this happened.

Reading this back it's clearly not a healthy outlook. I basically withdrew from everything, fell out with most of my friends (as I was so wounded from this mental abuse), and closed off. Now, I can't find where to start (other than gym and healthy eating). All of this, a decent man ruined for the sake of some woman's ego. Oh, and also, she painted it to my colleagues as "harrasment" so a lot of them now won't deal with me, despite she instigated the whole thing. I found out last year I might have been offered a job she wanted....so she ruined my reputation and confidence to get me out of the running.

So, that was the one hot girl I really went for when I was at the top of my game. I could have coped with a "no thanks" but to have this happen....and there's no justice. No redemption....no wonder I am struggling to try again.

I feel you, I really do.
I let a dysfunctional relationship make me fearful of trusting for a very long time. I let a lot of quality people pass me by because I was too afraid of being hurt again.

It is difficult to trust again but you put yourself at a huge disadvantage by being unable to learn from your past relationships and Trust again

 

[resilient]

I saw an event recently.... #prossecoandpercussion

That event was so airheaded I thought it summed up their limited interests perfectly....basically cheap champagne and ethnic music #soooodiverse heart heart

Double facepalm because one is not enough. I worry about what is happening to the gene pool.

Dear good Lord and heavenly Sheppard.

Content to be off most social media outlets.

Wow.

 

[Fruitbat]

Double facepalm because one is not enough. I worry about what is happening to the gene pool.

Dear good Lord and heavenly Sheppard.

Content to be off most social media outlets.

Wow.

Despite being an atheist, I join you in that prayer on the basis that if it's possible, it's worth a shot! Amen to that I think is the phrase!

 

[Fruitbat]

I think you're better off meeting a woman in a bar than online. Women will drag out their anti-social friends for some fun every once in a while. Those are the women you need to find.



I used to work long hours as well. I was holding down two jobs at one point. I worked hard, but I made sure I played hard in my free time. Even though I was working close to 60 hours a week, I still made the time to go out, be social, and meet women.



Why are you limiting yourself to women in their 30s? I'm turning 40 in less than a year, and my GF is turning 24 this week.



No, the problem is you don't have the personality to get interest out in public. You need to work on that.

You're putting up your own roadblocks. You've limited the age range of available women, you aren't making use of your available free time, you aren't opening new doors to meeting women, and you're not working on your personality to make yourself more interesting as a human being which would not only attract more women, but would likely improve your interactions with your clients.

Online dating is best used when you absolutely cannot go out and meet women in public. I'm talking about 3:00-6:00 in the morning kind of hours. That is how you optimize your time for meeting women.

I don't like hearing about how difficult it is to meet women outside of online dating. You have to get creative and make your available time work for you. You need to optimize it, and work on optimizing your personality to make yourself more interesting. I used my second job to improve on the things I was lacking in my personality. I learned to approach new employees and help make them feel comfortable, and I worked on making myself more enthusiastic and passionate about things. People are automatically attracted to those two qualities.

You need to get outside your comfort zone and try some new things, not only with your methods of meeting women, but ways of interacting with people. You can open up a whole bunch of new doors just by working on yourself. Making excuses for your failures is only going to ensure that you continue to fail. Look failure in the eye, tell it to go fvck itself, and start making things work for you.

bro. Here I am 3 years on. Married to a woman 11 years younger. Amazingly, very happy and just had our first daughter.

I was so low on confidence back then, I cringe reading the self limiting sh1t I was writing .

you, and many others, were right. I can’t credit anyone but myself, because I brought the change, but it was folks like you who planted the seeds.

thanks man