Question on how to get gf to forget hurtfull past

[Gambit2318]

I just met my current gf last friday and we really really hit it off. We have alot in common and everything just works between us. One thing though that is bothering her and me is that she had an ex for 5 years and found out like a month ago that he was going out with her best friend. She also found out alot other things to. She is starting to forget about all of the hurtfull things but she def wants to be with me but she is just scared that i am going to do the same thing to her but i told her i def won't she is def someone i want to try and have a serious relationship with. I just want to know how to get her mind off of these hurtfull things that happened to her.

 

[studmuffin15]

don't sweat this chick. i just met a girl who was the same way - she went out with a guy for years and found out that he cheated on her non-stop. now she is afraid to "open herself" to guys bcuz she doesnt wanna get hurt. even though she liked me, she was very standoffish and it frustrated me to the point of dumping her azz.

the bottom line is this --- although u may care about her and want to be patient with her and work with her, were you put on this earth to be a good samaritan? although there;s nothing wrong with wanting to help people and do good, you need to live your own life and not play psychologist to some chick.

this chick will have to deal with this situation on her own terms and there's no guarantee as to how long it will take. the only thing u can do is be supportive of her, but u can only bend over so much. if you start accomodating her to the point where u start to lose your individuality as a person to cater to her every whim to show her that you're a "good guy", then you are being castrated and you're the one who needs the head checked.

this chick naturally has baggage, so try not to get attached so soon in the relationship. and don't feel bad about giving her the boot if she makes things difficult for you. with two people in the relationship, there's two sets of needs that have to be met -- yours in addition to hers.

 

[Cremasta]

My last serious gf was like this having gotten burned by her ex. Basically I made sure she enjoyed my company and made it quite obvious that she could trust me with anything.

This doesn't mean you supplicate and do everything she wants, or just say stuff to boost her ego. As stud says, you can only bend so far. If she asks your opinion about something, be as truthful as you can without being offensive.

For this girl it will have a lot to do with your apparent 'trustworthiness'. If the two of you have a lot of fun together, this will come a lot easier.

 

[dietzcoi]

Careful with this one. As stud said, you were not put on earth to be a good samaritan for her use only.

If you were Pierce Bosnan or Tom Cruise, would she be making these lame-ass statements about "not being hurt", etc?

Be careful she does not play you for an AFC.

Dietzcoi

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Careful with this one. As stud said, you were not put on earth to be a good samaritan for her use only.

If you were Pierce Bosnan or Tom Cruise, would she be making these lame-ass statements about "not being hurt", etc?

Be careful she does not play you for an AFC.

Dietzcoi

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!!!!!! Forget the idea that it is YOUR job to prove your trustworthiness because of her past bad choices of boyfriends (and in her case, girlfriends too). The problems that you describe is why it is always difficult to be the rebound person in a relationship, psychological baggage is a b1tch.

I will let you in on a secret, her fear has nothing to do with you. She is afraid that she is too fragile to go through her boyfriend ordeal again. Trust is the ability to handle whatever effect a person's actions have on you. It will not matter what you could do to make this easier for her, she is in the mode of looking for problems to substantiate her fears so that she can get out of the relationship before the real pain comes.

You will have to deal with this until she realizes that she made it through this hard time and that she has the capacity to make it through another if necessary. The way that usually works is to point out what her fear is truly about and that it makes it difficult to enjoy the relationship with this open issue. AFCs take the moral high ground by grinning and bearing it but is it really worth it if your girlfriend wants your actions to solve her issues?

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Careful with this one. As stud said, you were not put on earth to be a good samaritan for her use only.

If you were Pierce Bosnan or Tom Cruise, would she be making these lame-ass statements about "not being hurt", etc?

Be careful she does not play you for an AFC.

Dietzcoi

Thinking the same thing.

Women use that "just out of a bad relationship" crap for everything from anti-slut defense to blowing off AFCs.

 

[studmuffin15]

hey, i've got one for you guys!

this chick that i was talking about in my first post, she banged me twice out of the 4 times we hung out. you would think that a person who was burned in the past would be pretty reluctant to move into sex right away - but for this one, it was the exact opposite. she's so far gone and twisted that she will open up physically, but not mentally.

that's my whole point about these chicks with baggage. many need SERIOUS professional help...and this is on top of girls being nuts to begin with.

i like to refer to girls such as these as "funhouse" girls -- what happens when u look into a funhouse? you see smoke, mirrors, crazy lights, weird noises, arms coming out of the walls, screaming, etc. you never know what kind of surprises you're going to encounter if you go inside, so you realize that it's probably not worth the money or the time, and just move onto a different attraction instead -- one that's easier to figure out the mechanics of.