Problem with girlfriend about moving in

[vorbis]

I posted this issue on another website and got bogged down with people saying I must be really moody!

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now.
Ironically, I was the one who was a bit moody and who could get angry over nothing at the start. After about 8 to 10 months it started to reverse itself. I'm certainly no angel but my moodiness has definitely decreased and I don't get angry over little stuff any more.

My girlfriend seems to be steadily getting worse. We've had the usual fights from time to time but the last one has just really weirded me out.

We briefly talked in June about moving in together this September. I reckoned it would probably be too soon for me but that we'd talk again about it in August. I thought I was just being polite when agreeing to talk about it again. I realize now that she took that WAY more seriously than I meant it.

A week ago, a few friends asked me if I wanted to move in with them in September. I said that I was open to it and I agreed to look at a few apartments with them. I told my girlfriend about this and she has been in a sulk since.

We talked about us moving in together and I said that I still felt it was too soon. She equates this to mean I don't love her. Then, I got a teary voicemail off her saying she wants to break up over it!

I called her back and talked more about it. She was still upset about it but was a little calmer. What really freaks me out is that 48 hours before this she was in a great mood. She went from being really happy over a good weekend to wanting to break up in 2 days.

Presently, I'm not sure. I do love her but this behavior is too far for me. I can see why she might be upset. I can't see why she would want to break up over it or still be down about it a week later. Just looking for opinions. I'd prefer if they weren't of the "she's a hor, dump her!" variety.

 

[Warrior74]

she's a hor! dump her!


Good luck. Honestly...move in with your wife, not your girlfriend. Take it from someone who's been there. Tell her you have traditional values about it and you want it to be done right. I'll never live with another woman unless I am putting a ring on her finger.

 

[DJDamage]

Listen to your gut instinct's on this one.

Your gut is telling you not to move in with her because it will be a mistake.

Your girl is manipulating you with her tears and breakup ultimatum to move in together or suffer the consequences. Those are already 2 alarming qualities: manipulation and a threat. Do you really want someone who does this in order to get what they want to move in with you?

If she really wanted to be with you then moving in with you should not be an issue.

 

[Trader]

We talked about us moving in together and I said that I still felt it was too soon. She equates this to mean I don't love her. Then, I got a teary voicemail off her saying she wants to break up over it!

I don't care that she's crying, I don't care if she 'pretends' that she is gonna break up with you over it

You already know that it is 'too early' for her to move in.

Stand your ground.

If she thinks highly of you - she will WAIT.

If she breaks up with you - well that speaks volumes as to how she views you

Of course easier said than done - since you 2 have been going out for over a year and you have a lot 'emotionally invested.'

But I think you know what you should do - now do you have the balls to do it?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. I know guys right now living in the pit of misery with women they signed apartment leases with for a year and are basically living with their exes now for the duration. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of anonymity, you commit legally to being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial commitment, doubly so with a dog) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance polcy for her - "I the undersigned herby promise not to ƒuck any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year. And in your case it doesn't sound as if she's all that sexually available in the first place.

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

What you're experiencing here is a frame grab, plain and simple. Her covert message is an ultimatum - "live with me so I can feel secure that I'm your only source of sex or I'm out."

 

[decades]

she is manipulative. when she said she wanted to break up you should have called her bluff and said OK! Then your problems would begin to be sorted out. Otherwise I see nothing but continued misery for both of you in this relationship. And don't live with her. Live with a WIFE.

cheers!

 

[jophil28]

We briefly talked in June about moving in together this September. I reckoned it would probably be too soon for me but that we'd talk again about it in August. I thought I was just being polite when agreeing to talk about it again. I realize now that she took that WAY more seriously than I meant it.

.

You G/f is acting like a pouty pre-teen whose father said that he would "think about" taking her to Seaworld .

To a child, a parent saying ,"We can talk about it later " means YES because she did not hear NO..
To your G/f, your saying, "We will talk again in August " meant YES . SHe was sure that you meant you and she are going to live together (and probably get married later)
To some women (and children) "maybe" means YES.

Be carefully what you say to a woman when you know what she wants and you are not sure of you own decisions..

 

[vorbis]

Beginning of the end?

She came out with this line on the phone today and it just shocked me. Honestly, its the first time she's acted like this. I'm hoping that its just really faulty advice.

"I think you should do something nice, you know buy me flowers, take me out to dinner to show me how much you love me. It would make me happy"

It was like something you see posted here all the time.
Its not as if we don't do stuff. When things are going well, we eat out a fair but and go do stuff together like trips and vacations. I pay a larger share as I earn a good bit more than her.

My head is still in a bit of a mess from what she said today. I'm taking my friend's advice of "Don't take them seriously"

 

[mtnkng]

She's on a time schedule. You've been dating a year and half. She wants to see the relationship go to the next step. Either cohabitation and/or engagement. I wouldn't doubt both.

Doesnt seem like you are that into her. But she wants/needs indicators from you about the real long term prospects.

Its not so much about her as it is about you. Even though it looks like she's ready for the long haul (for obvious advantages/reasons/benefits - did you "buy" her love?) - you seem like you're fine with the status quo.

This might be decision time - sh!t or get off the pot. Might be tough if you've got oneitis. You might be able to string her along some more, but this will continue to happen until end game...which is around the corner.

Reframe if you think you can....or eject.

 

[vorbis]

I didn't "buy" her love as it were. I spend more money than her because I earn a good bit more than her. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Its actually really surprised me how big an issue this has become. She's 24, I'm 26. NONE my age that I know had moved in with their SO after a year and a half.

 

[Bible_Belt]

"I think you should do something nice, you know buy me flowers, take me out to dinner to show me how much you love me. It would make me happy"

chickspeak translation: I feel undesirable and unloved, because you don't want to live with me.

Ignore the tangibles of what she said "flowers, dinner, take out" - those are all meaningless. What matters is the "show love...make happy." This is not about money, or who pays at dinner. This is about how she feels. Work on her feelings - don't expect an expensive dinner to cure the problem. Most guys will do exactly what she says, and the problem will only get worse. To understand what women mean by their words, strip away the tangibles and look for the emotions expressed.

What to do with all of this is up to you. She is insecure over your feelings for her. Early in a LTR, that can be good; it makes her try harder. But after a while, it works against you. Instead of feeling loved, she is constantly worried that she is wasting her time with you and getting older every year. She thinks you're going to jerk her around for another 6-8 years, then break up with her when she is an old maid and can't get a decent guy. That's what she's thinking.

The consensus advice is to pull back from any woman who pulls back from you. She might think that she wants you to cave in and serve her irrational feelings all the time, but if you did that, she would likely find herself losing respect for you. She wants you to remain a man, yet still make her feel loved at the same time. Understand how she feels and work at changing it, but at the same time don't do exactly what she says. If I were you, I would give her a romantic evening...and work to make it as close to free as possible. No pricey dinner, no flowers, and no bribes. Take her to the fireworks tonight for the 4th of July, kiss her and tell her you love her - that is really all she wants.

 

[Mr. Me]

We've had the usual fights from time to time

In a great relationship, there are no "usual fights" ever. The couple gets along without fights, believe it or not.

She went from being really happy over a good weekend to wanting to break up in 2 days.

I tell ya, anyone that uses the "break up" card so easily doesn't really value the relationship they're in. That is to say, she's not fearful of losing you, so she doesn't truly care as much as you think, otherwise, she wouldn't risk it.

And if your reaction is "NO! NO! Don't go!" then she's just pulled the Power Lever on you and knows she has you and that's all she has to do to get you to comply with her forever: threaten to break things off.

But it doesn't sound like that's how you responded, so she tries next with 'then show me that you love me'.

I know you wrote that you treat her to dinner and vacations, but check in your mind that you're also good with her on the little day-to-day stuff. It may be that she feels unromanced or neglected or taken for granted.

And though you don't want to hear it, I'd say look for other women to date. There's no sense at your age using up years on someone who's not the best for you.

Other than that, Rollo and Bible Belt's posts are worthy of re-reading.

 

[Jeffst1980]

This is all one big power play, and I think you should turn the tables on her.

It sounds like you've treated her really well, and for her to insinuate that you don't IMO is really uncalled for. It sounds like she's trying to make herself out to be a victim when, in reality, she's the aggressor. Ultimatums being issued just because you aren't ready to live with her? Give me a break. Don't reward that kind of behavior. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate threats like that.

Generally, issuing the "break up" ultimatum occurs when things are too far gone to be salvaged. Otherwise, there's no reason to bring such a thing up. The thing about flowers, etc. worries me as well, b/c it looks like she's trying to "spin" things to make you out to be the bad guy in case you two do split up. You're going from being on the same team to some sort of rivals, and that's bad.

Don't do anything nice for her until she apologizes for her actions. She was way out of line, and living together before marriage is a really bad idea--it seems you already know this, though.

It may be that she's not confident enough to handle a relationship in which she doesn't hold all the cards. If that's the case, it's her loss and not your fault.

There's a myth that a DJ doesn't ever get dumped or have relationship troubles. This simply is not the case.

 

[Colossus]

This is all one big power play, and I think you should turn the tables on her.

It sounds like you've treated her really well, and for her to insinuate that you don't IMO is really uncalled for. It sounds like she's trying to make herself out to be a victim when, in reality, she's the aggressor. Ultimatums being issued just because you aren't ready to live with her? Give me a break. Don't reward that kind of behavior. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate threats like that.

Generally, issuing the "break up" ultimatum occurs when things are too far gone to be salvaged. Otherwise, there's no reason to bring such a thing up. The thing about flowers, etc. worries me as well, b/c it looks like she's trying to "spin" things to make you out to be the bad guy in case you two do split up. You're going from being on the same team to some sort of rivals, and that's bad.

Don't do anything nice for her until she apologizes for her actions. She was way out of line, and living together before marriage is a really bad idea--it seems you already know this, though.

It may be that she's not confident enough to handle a relationship in which she doesn't hold all the cards. If that's the case, it's her loss and not your fault.

There's a myth that a DJ doesn't ever get dumped or have relationship troubles. This simply is not the case.

Good post.

First things first Vorbis, and you should know this: Do not EVER move in with a girlfriend!! It's not some "macho" DJ thing, it's being smart about your life and the relationship. Your stuff becomes hers, hers stays hers, sexual frequency and excitement decreases, and all your comings and goings are subject to review. You have to "ask" to have buddies over. Fvck that.

Secondly--and this will take some serious brass--you might want to tell her that if she is going to threaten a break-up because you wont move in with her, then maybe she isnt the right girl for you.

The above poster had it right on. Take that advice seriously.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

"I think you should do something nice, you know buy me flowers, take me out to dinner to show me how much you love me. It would make me happy"

NEXT. Anytime a woman utters the demand "make me happy" know that it amounts to nothing less than blackmail for intimacy. Anytime a woman OVERTLY asks for you to provider her happiness she assumes she owns the frame.

 

[caliente05]

maybe you should weigh your pros & cons about this girl before making a decision. That will help determine if you should dump her or stay with her if she's really worth it.