Proactive vs Reactive

[STR8UP]

Proactive vs. Reactive

All of this talk about Plate Theory has got me thinking.

It seems that some guys are more on the proactive side when it comes to forming new relationships with women.

This would generally be the guy who is naturally outgoing, or possibly one who is actively seeking female companionship, whether it be for sex or for a relationship.

On the other end of the spectrum you have the guys who are more reactive when it comes to women. These are the guys who are too afraid to get in the game. Guys who are more on the introverted side might also lean this direction. The third type of guy who would be more reactive would be the guy who IS NOT looking for a relationship, and doesn't feel the need to validate himself as a man by sleeping with a different chick every week.

I'm more of that third guy.

Perhaps it's best to look at this on a scale.

Lets say 10% of guys are very proactive, and 10% are very reactive when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. That leaves 80% of the population falling somewhere in between.

At this point in my life I would place myself more on the reactive side.

If I DO happen to meet a girl i like, I don't have a problem running game. Unless you're a rock star, you can't just sit back and let the pu$$y fall into your lap.

But there seems to be this idea floating around that a MAN has to constantly pursue women.

Me? At this point in my life I'm not shopping for a woman. Sure, I meet women, but I don't go out of my way to do so. Maybe I'm fortunate to meet quite a few women through my network of friends. Maybe if that were not in place I would see things differently, but I'm pretty satisfied with the status quo.

You want to spit game at a grocery store or yoga class? Nothing wrong with that, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself WHY you are putting such an effort into meeting women? Is it because you are looking for a wife? Is it because you're looking for a casual relationship. You just want to get laid?

There's nothing wrong with pursuing women for ANY of these reasons, but i think it's important to know WHY you are doing so. So many things we do out of default, out of the expectations of society, or because it just seems like the right thing to do.

I've met a couple of guys who go into pickup mode and I've seen them basically go into another world where they block out everything but their objective. Like military style. I just can't imagine a piece of ass being that important that you would tune out the rest of the world.

I'm not in the market for an LTR. I wouldn't rule it out if I happened to find the right situation, but to be honest I wouldn't think it would be fair to a woman to get involved in my chaotic life right now.

I wouldn't mind a casual relationship. Had a couple of those in the recent past and although it's never as simple as I would like for it to be, overall they served a purpose. It's always nice to have someone you can enjoy some time on an intimate level.

As for getting laid....yea, that's always nice. I get enough pu$$y to satisfy my needs without having to spend a lot of time trying to meet and attract women.

For the record, I do believe that it is always better to be proactive with pretty much anything in life, especially women, but ONLY when you have a clear objective. Otherwise you are just pi$$ing in the wind.

Bottom line- you have absolutely no duty or obligation as a man to actively pursue women. If you are happy with the way things are, just go with it.

 

[joekerr31]

There's nothing wrong with pursuing women for ANY of these reasons, but i think it's important to know WHY you are doing so. So many things we do out of default, out of the expectations of society, or because it just seems like the right thing to do.

to be honest sex is actually pretty low down on the list as to why i pursue a woman at this point.

to be honest, im not sure why guys are so obsessed with sex. sure, when your 18 i can understand it. but once you've been laid 100+ times does it really blow your mind like it did when you were 18? i mean, do you really sit there thinking "oh my god, i can't believe im about to get laid. this is going to be so great!" personally i don't. the novelty of sex has worn off for me, so while i enjoy it, im not deluded that its the greatest feeling in the entire world. there are lots of things that give me a high that are comparable to sex.

i mean, sure, its nice, but i don't wake up depressed if i didn't have sex the night before.

so with regards to women, i find what attracts me now is whether i enjoy looking at her (her body, face, eyes, smile etc. - simply being aesthetically appealing is nice. it's almost like i see them as a painting that i'd like to hang in my living room). personality is a big deal for me - i want a woman who adds to my enjoyment in life, not detracts from it (ie. high maintenance or air heads need not apply).

 

[Victory Unlimited]

I've found that for me, at least, SEX can be overrated...:yes:

However, THE EJACULATION is not! :rockon:

 

[MatureDJ]

I've met a couple of guys who go into pickup mode and I've seen them basically go into another world where they block out everything but their objective. Like military style. I just can't imagine a piece of ass being that important that you would tune out the rest of the world.

The problem with always dating women that you met in pickup mode is that you always have to have your game face on. These women were only interested in you because you were so aggressive, and not really for your innate desirability. Such women, by definition, are going to be flaky, and leave you when the more aggressive man enters the picture.

It is far better to be in a position where women are being the aggressors (even if only subtly.) You don't have to always have your game face on because they didn't find you desirable because of that, but because of something else.

 

[STR8UP]

When I was younger I used to think that I needed to measure up as a man by putting notches on my bedpost.

That went away with the "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

All of my friends think I'm a bigger slvt than I am anyway. I don't talk about my conquests, but it seems that among my circle of friends the chick always ends up spilling the details.

I truly believe you have "arrived" when you realize that women are not the end all be all of life.

If I die alone is it such a tragedy?

I know how it works. A woman will never love YOU. Very, very, few people find the right match in a mate. If it ever comes my way, I'm fairly confident in the fact that I will be able to recognize it when it comes around.

But if I find it next month or next year or ten years from now or NEVER, it doesn't matter. A woman does not complete your life, best case she accentuates it. Worst case she makes you life a living hell. If I'm gonna settle down it's only gonna be with a woman with whom I believe will add something to my life.

 

[joekerr31]

If I die alone is it such a tragedy?

well if you get married theres still no guarantee you wont die alone! you could get divorced. your wife might die before you. etc.

not only is dying alone not a tragedy, living alone is not a tragedy either.

tragedies are babies born with diseases and who live a week and then die.
tragedies are contracting the flesh eating bacteria or losing your leg from an IED in iraq.
tragedies are having to watch one of your loved ones die.

a woman, or lack of, should never qualify as a 'tragedy'.

the (bad) reasons people see it as a tragedy if they dont get married include:

1) the times we live in - we have it so easy. i mean 'surviving' is almost a guarantee. not like other periods in history, where you could die of starvation, illness, etc. - people use to be happy just to be alive. now we spend all our alive time worrying about whether we are living 'enough' (ie. doing all the things we are suppose to be doing).

2) people keep thinking that life is suppose to be like a trip to disneyland. and when its not, they think maybe the reason its not is because they aren't married. guess what, life is often unpleasant and painful. hence the saying 'life's a b8tch and then you die" - you can't make life better simply by marrying a woman. the only way to make life better is to change your attitude about it (ie. unplug from the matrix)

3) people think so little of themselves. most people now a days suffer from low self esteem. and what they are addicted to is the constant ego approval of a woman. they figure if they get married they will have an endless feeling of being valued and wanted - little do they know in most marriages that gets replaced by nagging and no sex.

4) people think 'ok, in the big scheme of things life has no real meaning. im just an ant in an huge ant colony with no real significance. BUT I still want to leave my mark, and if i have kids that will be my legacy." ummm - bullsh*t! even if you have 10 kids, within 300 years your current genetic material will have been so watered down by your offspring mixing their genes with non-familial genes that none of 'you' will really remain. moreover, even if it did, WHO CARES? you're dead. whatever is going on here on planet earth will be of ZERO concern to you. so getting married so as to be able to 'leave a legacy' is idiotic.

5) one day your parents will die and then you'll be all alone. and then one day when you die no one will even care that you existed. if you get married and have kids then 'someone' will miss you when you are gone. well, hey, once again this makes no sense. first of all, when you are dead you won't care who does or doesn't miss you. secondly, even if others care taht you existed, who cares that they exist? having no one care if you exist only matters to YOU, not to the universe. ultimately we are born alone and we die alone - and the universe doesn't care if you were a King with a million subjects or a bum on the street without a friend in the world. THAT'S REALITY. anything else is a manufacturered reality that we create - and its NOT a reason to get married.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Men are the proactive force as genetically designed - if this is not the case then the man is not following the natural order of things!! Something is wrong!!

 

[disfunktional]

Interesting post!! I'm definately more reactive than proactive. Things I think make me reactive:

* I had a 6 year relationship so am not looking for a LTR at the moment.

* I've had sex 100's of times, and I don't think it's really a big deal for me now, so therefore don't feel like I need to actively persue it.

* I'm happy being alone, I live alone so I don't feel like I need the company of a woman to feel happy.

* I've got a lot going on in my life with work, hobbies and friends, I often spend weekends away so time is limited to proactively seek women.

I'll be honest and say that I have only slept with 8 women, which is probably not a lot. However, it doesn't really bother me that much and I just don't feel like I have the motivation to go out and actively pursue and sleep with loads of women. However, what I do want to do is improve my proactiveness in reactive situations, if that makes sense. What I mean is, if I happen to cross paths with a woman who I am attracted to and want to see, then have the confidence to approach and make my intentions clear. I'm getting much better at this, still some work to do though. Sometimes I think I SHOULD be going out proactively to seek women so that I would improve quicker, but, I really can't be arsed I'm happy enough how I am.

 

[STR8UP]

Yea, sex is overrated.

INTIMACY is great though. Sounds kind of chick-ish, doesn't it? Well. it's true. Sex with a woman for the first time or even the second time (especially if that's all you want from her) is usually not much better than spanking it. What's the point? Like I said once before....why waste the calories?

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never find the kind of situation that Rollo and a very few others have found. I am just content to enjoy the temporary arrangements I find myself in from time to time.

And I agree with Joe. We make life out to be this HUGE deal when it all comes down to nothing in the end.

I often wonder who would show up at my funeral if I were to die tomorrow. I can picture quite a few people there. I can see my family being devastated for awhile, and I can see my very few close friends being distraught for a bit. The rest of the people will be crying the day of my funeral and out clubbing trying to pick up chicks the same night. Maybe my female friends being more emotional might wait until the next night to go out partying. And I'm ok with that, cause that's how life is.

So in the grand scheme of things, what is a woman to you? She damn well better not be the duct tape holding your fragile existence together, or the crutch that keeps you from falling.

You want to spread your seed? That's only natural. But as Joe said, when you look at it for what it really is, chances are you will be forgotten soon after your death, and in a generation or two the family you created won't know who you were or what you did in life.

So what's with placing such importance on women? I have a feeling a lot of guys have never asked themselves WHY they are such a priority, they just go with the flow and continue to "chase" women, going from one semi-fulfilling relationship to another.

So I will continue to be reactive when it comes to women. Maybe in ten years or so I will get a wild hair and become proactive enough to buy a plane ticket to central america or eastern europe or asia and see if i will try to find a decent woman.

Until then, I'm just killin' time, and thats ok by me.

 

[Mr.Positive]

I find I go into proactive and reactive modes. The issue that I grapple with, is that years ago when I was really close to getting married to a major b!tch, I really did not amount to anything. I'll look at my life then, and now, and I realize how much I've accomplished by NOT having made the decision to get married.

Had I gotten married when I did, I'd be in a miserable position right now, and the years from that day forward, I would not have experienced the things in life that I now, sometimes, take for granted.

At the risk of sounding selfish, I believe that men can accomplish soo much more in life without having women diverting our attention. I'm not talking about financial achievements, but life achievements, and taking the risks that make a difference in our communities and the lives of others.

Women can, and many will try, to sap our positive energy to use it for their own benefit. I guess that's in their nature, to try and 'tame the beast' so to speak. To cage us.

I'll agree that I'm much more of a happier guy when I take a reactive approach to meeting women. Life can be much more simpler without the added drama that a lot of women bring with them.

 

[ketostix]

I find that if I want to make friends or get women I have to push myself and put some effort forward and be proactive. I naturally tend to be reactive and fairly content with that even if I have no one.

I will say there's people who are proactive and unsuccessful and unhappy with it. There's people who are reactive and unsuccessful and unhappy with it. And there's the converse for both, active and reactive, i.e, successful and happy. And I'm not sure where I'm going with this right now..