Pozitron's journal

[Pozitron]

Well hello all you Dj or becoming DJs.
Yeah so I decided to start a journal( finally) to keep me motivated to do something and remind me to kick my sorry as$, see my progress and get advice along the road .

Background..
Accepting the past and present here it goes…
Who am I? I’m 17 and in 11th grade while speaking. I’m 172 cm tall and 58kg. English is not my native language so I may make mistakes.
I have a nice body,6 pack.. cause I worked at home till I got into highschool( like push-ups and stuff) . That gave me confidence back then. I practiced martial arts.

Kinder-garden(lol) I always remember a scene where I was a total DJ(fo’ real) . Till 5th grade I was bullied hard at school and outside of it. Fights and s*** like that. I was acting natural with girls and did good at it. All others mocked me for that constantly. I remember wanting to ask a girl back then to be my GF but I never did( fear I guess). I was influenced by a “friend” and we kind of chased girls but never done anything( maybe it lead to analyzing). He left one day. 5th grade and till then I mostly hanged out with girls(3). Never made a move. 6th grade..I moved into another city. The people and my life was different. Got a really good friend till I got into highschool. I changed and kind of became like him. He was the dominant one. I lied about having GF’s to seem cool. I tried to seem like everything is cool. Got into video games for like 1 year—lost a lot of time. I did nothing with girls till 5th to 8th grade. I never really socialized much with people outside my class. Got into highschool…. Acted like everything is cool when it wasn’t( at least that’s what people say). So I guess basically I lied myself all along. Never had a Gf in highschool till now either (had one but it doesn’t counts lol). Never kissed, hold hands…all that. Had chances though.. Had like a hand of girls interested till now in highschool. This period( HS) was when most things with girls for me happened. I attracted like naturally but then never did anything or made a move or turning them off cause of fear or cause I thought I didn’t like them so ended up with nothing. I never been sexual or showed that kind of interest. I never kinoed. Eh.. can’t say never cause since I’ve been reading and stuff I did kino…(once worked like magic but I turned her off lol). So I guess I have a standard even if I’m not in the position to have one. From what people say I was quiet and “closed” in the past.. probably still are to and extent. One told me I’m trying to be something I’m not…I guess they don’t see me as social proactive. The last 2 years I’ve read a lot and been preoccupied with self improvement but I always missed action. I may have changed a bit but I didn’t take action. About me changing… after reading some stuff I got it wrong and got a literally “don’t care “ attitude with people. That was just wrong. I’m an expert of giving advice but I never followed it.. always a watcher. Now.. incongruent I guess .. between me acting happy and be not being that way inside. And it shows and it looks like pretending and others pick up on that. I over thought things hard and over analyzed. Some guys around here know part of my story and know what I’m talkin’ about.
As you can see and I can see cause it’s the first time I look at the big picture.. I didn’t have an easy ride till now. My situation was complicated. Sometimes I made it complicated sometimes life took care of that for me.
I say… **** that. What happened happened. I want to accept it. Cause if I don’t accept what happened and what it is right now however good or bad it is I can never move on. I tried denying it as you can see above till now and it was only covering the problem..

So before moving on into my journal and my life I’ll take a little time to look at the big picture and accept what happened.. good or bad…and what it is now., my situation, good or bad… make peace with it.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

May this lead where it's destined to go

 

[Nino-Tk]

Bowt fvckin time if you asked me player!

 

[Pozitron]

--1 day after--
Thanks, guys.
SO today I felt great...
Going to school I walked a little with ...well HBBlue. Some of you may knoe.. this summer I was on a trip.. when I came back EVeryone knew I was into her. I wanted to tell her I like her and stuff but I was always blocked and never had the chance. I like her though. Today we only talked but it was better that usual.
There is also this BSmile. Also my classmate. The one I was referring to when I said that kino worked but then I turned her off. I think she is interested. I am having fun convos with her, mostly teasing though. I think it could be on if I wanted.. the thing is I like her but not that much. That's why she's a B not a HB. Anyway..I don't really know what to do.. try to get it on and not think about standards? Do you feel me?
Also HBFlirt is a girl I bumped into today I know her for a while but nothing happened. I don't know why but when She asked me "How are you" I was like.."Better than you" lol. Never really continued with that.. just a little chat.
I really had a good interaction today with everybody especially a good convo with two other girls(also classmates) felt good in general..

I can't know but I'll update later with goals and a little How it will be done. Feel free to give advice and suggest what I should do or goals..later

 

[Pozitron]

Goals

I made a plan but it was too complicated ( typically). So I edited it and here it is. Suggestions are welcomed.

Goals
-Work-out 3 times/ week and run on weekends
-Eat more & eat healthy.
-Get good at school.
-Start approaching and doing kino. Making good conversations.
-Think less. Do more.
- Have a bigger social circle.

How?
- Challenging myself (Just do it & forcing myself to do it until it's almost second nature). Biting the bullet the first couple of times.
- Being positive(expecting success)& accepting failure as a part of the job.
- Destroy my ego. Don't impose any limitations on myself.
- With a light & fun attitude. Enjoying the process, keeping it simple & not taking things so seriously all the time.

 

[Pozitron]

Crazy day today at school. 4 tests...meh, it was ok though. I don 't worry much.

I approached ( after a loooong time) for the first time today a girl I noticed that stays somewhere near me and is in the same school. I made eye contact like several times before in school and before.
I didn't have nerves but it was preety boooring. I talked about school. It was like:
ME- hey
Her- hey.
You're a freshman I guess, right?
Yeah. What about you?
11th.
I'm (name)..
(her name . I don't remember it and don't know why).
I saw we were goin' the same way
Yeah.. I noticed that too
So what about you teachers.... bla bla bla..for like 1 min
Then.. we gen into the bus. She sees a friend ( i guess) and goes something like: I'm going that way.
I said ok.
Nothing more. I stood there with my own business and passend next to them talkin ( they seemed to know eachother and had fun convo) sayin' nothing. We both got off the bus at the same station though not next to eachother and didn't said bye. However I saw her before trying to take a glimpse at me.
[not sure it's accurate the translation of the convo ]

I forgot to mention we waited together for the bus-other bus- and had booring convo.. about school and tests..damn).

What bugs me is just that. How can I make interesting and fun and GOOD quality convo? Aso what do you think about the approach? What do you do when you forget her name(lol)-happened a couple of times? Don't really know what to do next with this girls, guys. It's important. She seems interested.

BTW.. didn't mb for 4 days and I'm goin' now to work out old style: push-ups, sit'ups, back exercises, bicycle.. etc.
I'm starting to eat more.

Later, players.

 

[Smock]

I am pretty sure that half of the guys or girls that talk to her, are asking her the same questions that you are. I would suggest asking her more interesting questions out of the blue. You can just Google those up if you would like to.

 

[Mr Wright]

First thing, if i were you i would make my goals more specific because eating healthy can get ambigous when you really want to take down a cheeseburger. It leaves too much room for you to screw it up.

For making good conversation, the first thing i do is call out things if i think they're boring. Like during freshers week, girls always ask me what course im studying and i always ask them why they care. Then just keep things light and flirty, dont get caught in some deep conversation, for the first 10 minutes i cant really pin down anything that i say, simply because its contentless. Either im teasing her, bantering or something equally as friendly, then after that you can get into a conversation that more about yourself.

 

[Pozitron]

New me or better said.. TRUE me

Hey you all!
I hope you're feelin' good. If not go make yourself better. Amuse yourself, work-out, take a walk DO SOMETHING.. cause when it comes down to it.. that's what matters. Always changig and getting better and being happy in the process.
Eh.. if it wasn't a little of that I wouldn't have been myself.
Anyway, I think you're already great and doing that so maybe that has to make more sence to me than you.

Yeah.. some time from my last update.
Well, this days I've been well. I think I've gotten into the volleyball team. Me and my friends started playing volley more.
I kind of ignored my goals and went into my old habits.. yeah..I know..I'm a terrible person. I can hear you: "You LIAR!!! Throw stones and potatoes at him!"
Wow... just a little. Not to worry...

Tomorrow it's the 1st of October. I want to make and commitment to change some things in the next 3 months. The first couple of times I'll FORCE myself if I need to.
What am I talkin' anout? Hmmm:
- stopping P.o.M. for good. Both. And replacing them with whatever. Looked at that site Nino linked and yeah.. I see now that it's serious stuff. Almost sure it affected me all this time. I kind of had a glimpse at the other side once and it was damn good so yeah.. it's damn worth the effort and it's for my own good. Turning into natural again sooner that you would think.
- Starting physical exercise. More explicitly my soul exercise:push-ups. This thing gave me back in the day real confidence and really developed my body. I still feel the benefits of doing this (long therm of course) from 3 years ago. Besides this I'll go for some leg exercises, back exercises..wanna correct my posture a lil. and sit-ups ( and all the variations I can come up to for those ). The minimum.. puch-ups and back ex. 1 set/day and increse by 2-3 next time.
[ as a + i'll go as I said on weekends for a run in the morning]-> tomorrow I've got work to do.
---and I have more plans but let's just wait and see how this weeknd goes.

 

[Nino-Tk]

Hehe...scary stuff yeah? And to think people say porn is harmless...sheesh Im on day 6 now, its hard homey...very hard but I'm trying my very best, I simply gotta get my brain resensitized. When the urge seems too hard, I think like this "Would I rather watch this for me rest of me life and get fvcked up, or do I actually wana be the one doing it naturally?" It keeps me goin. You can do it player!

 

[Pozitron]

Oh, yeah.. it's no easy stuff to do and the thing is it's no easy was to do it but this.
Thanks for the encouragement. Don't let your brain talk you trough it. You must shift your focus when that urge happens and start doin' something else cause if you just stay there it's more likely you will fall into it.
I'm keeping my word on this one no matter what.

Update
I've done 1 set of push-ups as I said : 32 of them.
Also done sit-ups and my back exercises. Hydrated well, all good.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Please post up a structured program that you plan to use. Doing 5 successive sets of push ups combined with other excercises (like situps, pullups, squats etc) are going to make an impact; a standalone set of marathon pushups will not

 

[Pozitron]

Gentlemans and gentlemans I'm here to present:

Pozitron's improvised most wanted work-out cool: just came up with that to make it more interesting hehe)

Warm-up.
Regular push-ups till failure ( increasing the number from 1 day to another)
Sit-ups
Squats
Wide grip push-ups till failure.
Bicycle
Back exercises( Y/T/W raise % "swimming")
Squats -variation (toes out & wide stance)
Triangle push-ups till failure.
Leg raise variation for abs.
1-leg bridge
Stretching

That I'll do 4 times/week + eating more + rest.
Of course at a point I'll need to make some changes and use variations but ti;; then it's all good.

I'm not giving numbers for now. I'll test it soon and post the resps.

In the remaining days I'll do just that 1 set of push-ups (max) & stretching.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Yeah you should definately add more sets pretty soon. In a few months you should get started in a gym. Ask the health and fitness guys for criticism and improvement to your present program

 

[Pozitron]

I also have dumbbells. Take a look at this. It's the Spartacus workout. I found out about it from a magazine and tried it some time ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKH3KZCOm38
I dare you to try it and tell me what you think. I have to mention that it's intense and harder than it looks though.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I can't remember who, but at the time I did my workout journal (which I have to start again), ARocket (I think) did that program. I'm sure H&F forum knows a lot about it

 

[Pozitron]

I did that work-out today. I must say I pushed myself but not too hard. I do that cause I want to workout out but don't want to be exhausted afterwords.
SO
Push-ups 34
Sit-ups 20
Squats 20 (I don't like this ex.)
Push-ups -wide- 15
Bicycle 15
Back y/t/w 10 each
Squats wide 15
Push-ups close 10
something for abs which I can't name 5
1 leg bridge 5 on each side
Stretched after.

That's that. I'm reading the myst read articles from the bible lately. Interesting stuff. I think I got some things wrong when I read them first. Trying to make sence of things. Maybe this will end up with a list of all the skills I have to tune and then I'll start working on each one.
I wanna work on eye c + smile at the moment. I think I've kind of corrected my posture ( I had my shoulders a little forward before)

Today I was at the Db C(as in debate club) at my school cause all the new freshman who got in were comin' for the first time today so I thought it will be fun. It was fun actually.

2 things I must mention.
1) I think I know what is my deepest insecurity or fear ( or at least one of the worst). It's letting girls know my own intentions. Like being afraid to show my true self which would show that I want them or I like them or I'm interested. Hope you understand this. It's like I'm afraid of making myself clear that I like her, showing interest. So I'm curious or interested in a girl (maybe just a stranger) and I fear showing her kind of my true self. This manifests in many ways such as: Avoiding actiong like I like her, or making eye contact that shows interest.. etc.

What do you think of this?

I start to believe that I'm basically afraid of my sexuality. I must start to be open with my sexuality. I'm a guy, she's a girl. It's just natural for me to like her. It's just a natural thing and desire...
Anyway..

2) I've met some friends at DB. All the people who were there were from my HS. I interacted with this girl I think as a HB.. she's really good lookin'. I knew her but never introduced. Today we talked, laughed and stuff. She's cool. My point with this is that with her nd' maybe some other girls I feel like she's out of my league. By this I mean.. she clearly is into another entourage, she's much more experienced than me( damn I never did a lot of things with girls) and I basically don't think I would have a chance. Maybe I also imagine what would others say if we were say together. Base line, for some reason I feel unworthy and somehow inferior.

Yeah.. I have to go nd' start doin' some homework. Tell me what you think, give advice and thanks if you read this. Later players..

 

[Pozitron]

Thigs starting to line up

Hey players! Trying to see the good side of pasting and noone giving advice. May is that I become man who has to take care of his problems by himself.. kind of my own coach. Anyway it would be nice some opinion of you when I ask somethin... cause most of the time it's urgent.

So how are you? Not gonna lie to ya', things are starting to line up for me.

I'm keeping my word. Today it's 3rd October and that means I've been rebooting for 3 days. No P.o.M. It was hard but I guess it's always hard when you start. Despite all that I really believe this is workin'.

I'm feelin' really good. I have good energy and starting to get into the shape of my life. So physically I'm feeling better. I also notice that I'm like prepared or something.. like it wouldn't be any big deal if I would have to sprint at any moment. SO today I'll work-out again and update later the results.

Tried something new today. Wanted to work a little on my observation skills. So I started paying attentions and just observing stuff. It's interesting. The advantage of this is that someday it will become natural and as you doin' this keeps you out of your head. Kips you more aware and curious and just in the moment.

So on my way to school I got into a bus (kind of).
Now.... let's go back a bit.
It's about this girl. I noticed her for the first time last year but never knew her. Some days ago she added me on facebook ( she has a lot of friends so it could easily be random, but I didn't focus on that). I noticed it was her birthday so I pm'd her instead of writing on her wall and told her Happy Birthday. She answered and we chatted a little. She seemed to know more about me that I did about her but never finished that convo(not imp. why).
Ok. Fast forward again.
So in the bus I see her but she doesn't see me. I'm on my own. Then I looked that way and she sow me, made eye contact and smiled (didn't expect that really). So I smile back and walk up to her. We meet half way, she introduces herself, we shake hands and convo all the way to school. I like her nd' am interested. Si I think I was pretty smooth. Convo went well..all good. We break up in front of her class. That was it.
Now this may not seem much to you but look first at what my situation was and you'll understand it's a big thing. If I think about it.. if I didn't initiated on facebook that wouldn't have happened unless I approached her.
Question: What do I do from here? What do I do next time? Do I ask her for her number and suggest a time to go out together?
I like her and I want this to be good. I think that if I have a plan it will be great.

Enough abut her... I embarrassed myself on purpose today in math class. I said something wrong kind of with conviction and then I said "fail" and kind of everybody heard it and laughed.

Remember that girl I approached and those guys I never speak to cause at a point I thought they were cold?
------
Well the truth is.. in most cases, they(general) don't have a problem. You do. So in social situations and with girls if you have a light & fun attitude and are just comfortable and you do things in a detached manner you'll be great. I mean with girls.. if you do something and act as if you're a pro and you're doin' that stuff all the time, being comfortable and at ease you will come out great.
------
Goin' back. Well as I was waiting for the but on the way back home and thinking how things went great and starting to line up.. I see that two guys and BBlack( the one I approached back then). SHe waves at me. I say hi and approached the group. Greeted the other two and guess what? I get a good and friendly response. I followed with How are you or somethin' like that. BBlack used another dore as the bus came and met some frineds and started to talk. The two guys met other 2 girls they knew and chatted. I was by myself but was ok with it cause I know next time I'll just interact with them and it will be ok. Problem solved.
This time when we all got off the bus BBlack was on the phone and with her group.. I didn't bother to say bye .

That was today. I know this was long, too long but I neede to open up. So tell me what you think and try to answer my question.
I neet to eat and goin' to work-out and post results.

Later, players

 

[Pozitron]

Update
Warm-up
Push-ups 35
Sit-ups 25
Squats 25
Push-ups wide 16
Bicycle 17
Back 11/10/10
Squats wide 16
Push-ups close 10
leg raise 6\1 leg bridge 6 each
stretched afterwards
I think I'll keep this numbers (+ 1 maybe) this week and I'll add next week to make it more challenging.
Don't forgen to look at my previous post and answer . Thanks

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Don't expect anything from the forum. Ever. I did read your post before, but decided you'd do fine without me, and went to bed. I'm in a car right now and can't be bothered to type much. For the girl, just say that you should do something sometime and ask for her number. The faster the better