Please, help with analyzing the situation

[Professor]

Hello,

I'm sorry that this turned out to be so long. Hope you have patience to read it

I'm 30, she's 27. We met in the beginning of the summer in a music festival through a mutual friend. We hit it off very well from the very beginning and at the end of the festival she kissed me passionately and invited me to visit her (we live 300 kilometers apart).

We didn't see each other for three weeks, because I had a work trip abroad and she also made a holiday trip. However, after three weeks we met at my home town where she came with her friend to spend some days on a beach and to see me (that's what she said). That weekend we had sex the first time. She spent a few days with me and then left (on Tuesday) with her friend, whose summer holiday was about to end.

I didn't contact her that week, but on Friday she called and asked what I had in mind for the weekend. She was about 50 km away from my town and could come to see me again. I had already made plans to go to another ferstival with a friend of mine, so I didn't cancel that trip. However, she said that we could meet on Sunday then when I come back, which we did. She spent a few days with me and basically we were either having sex or having fun on the beach.

We then drove to her home town where I spent some time and we were just having a great time. She seemed very interested in me, she was very glad to do things for me, she even paid for a dinner and gave me gifts. I just was c&f all the time and she really seemed to like it. The last weekend we spent together (again in a festival, two weeks ago...) she told me that her coworker from my home town had asked whether she was seeing anyone at the moment and she had said yes and that the guy (meaning me) is from your town as well.

We didn't talk anything about the future, but I noticed some subtle hints, that she had at least thought about that (like she said that someday she has to cook me her specialty and some other hints also). She has a meeting here in my town next week and she had declined free airline tickets and she's coming by car so that she could spend the weekend with me after her week long meeting is over.

We have called each other about every other day (or she has called me the most of the time...). However, last week she sent me this e-mail (english is not my mother toung, so there may be some words or expressions that are not exactly how she wrote them):

Hi there,

I thought to contact you by e-mail, since it seems somewhat funny to start talking about these on the phone. I was thinking about our relationship. Or do we have an actual relationship? I would have liked to talk to you about these matters already after the festival, but I was just too tired. (we both were, we had slept only few hours that whole weekend, so a valid reason) I think we have had fabulously fun together. Although we are quite different in many ways, we also have many similarities.Summer is wonderful time and it's even better when one can spend it with a great person. However, fall and busy weeks are coming. For us it means that we wouldn't see each other that often anymore. What kind of a relationship is that then? Is it better that we are just friends or something else? I may be on friendships side, since long-distance relationships are difficult. Not impossible, of course, but... difficult. It feels, that if we knew each other better it could work. However, we have just spent only a few weeks together and a couple of weeks a part estranges people. I don't know if you have even thought about these matters. I just wanted to tell you my thoughts, and talk about these things, so there won't be any misunderstandings and neither of us gets hurt. What do you think?

I got the e-mail in the morning and in the evening I called her. She didn't sound any different than usual, just her cheerful self. We had both been golfing that evening and first babbled some about that. I then asked her about her e-mail and what she had meant. During the conversation she told me that she had never been in a long-distance relationship, so she doesn't know if that could work.

But I think the biggest issue that came up is that her last boyfriend (who she stayed with about 4 years and broke up with 1.5 years ago) had turned out to be very jealous type at the end. For example if they went out to a club or a bar, she was not allowed to go 1-2 meters further from him. This made her break up with him and now they are not on good terms anymore. She said that because she has some male friends (I met a few of them, AFC's who she has rejected in the past but kept as friends), she's afraid how I would respond if she goes out with them sometimes.

At one point of the phone call I asked her if she thinks we could give it a try if this relationship would work out. She said that she doesn't know what to say. But she also added that the feelings she has towards me are still there. And she also said that she's amazed how well we click together although we have known each other for only such a short time.

I didn't push her to make up her mind or tell her about how I felt about her (the whole time we have been together I haven't told her my feelings, I showed them by my actions and being c&f). I just said that let's both think about this situation and discuss about it when she comes here next week, to which she agreed. We then changed the subject and continued to talk some time and I kept on being c&f like before and she sounded the same girl as before also.

I know that this is not the easiest situation for a relationship and I wouldn't even continue this if there hadn't been that great, great time together we had this summer. The distance can be a problem, I admit that. We could realistically see each other about 3-4 times per month 2-3 days at a time. But I could give it a try.

She's not the only woman in my life, I have a few in my back pocket as a reserve. But she's at the top of the list and I wouldn't like to give up so easily.

I know that trust plays a big part especially in long-distance relationships. But I'm not very jealous type (I used to be, but have grown up...) Also, when I chatted with her very close girlfriend without her around, her friend told me that she had had only one short relationship after her break up and she never has one-night stands. She also told me those things herself, so perhaps that's true.

So, what do you guys think about the situation? Is this already doomed to end or is it possible that this could work out? I appreciate all your input and thank you already in advance if you had time to read this.

 

[Bonhomme]

She's into you more than anyone else

The question is whether or not you can deal with the situation.

If so, have a go at it, if she's the one you want in your life. But you'll have to avoid the extracurricular activities if you're sticking with this one, and eventually -- if things continue to go well -- one or both of you will have to move to be much closer geographically.

 

[Professor]

Thanks for your opinion, Bonhomme. Yep, I know it's not easy, but I can imagine being in a LDR with her.

 

[TesuqueRed]

You don't really need to answer her, do you--??

Actually, the truth is best, and that is
--it's still early..
--it's a great deal of fun..
--too early to tell..
--let's see where it goes.

So relax. If you relax, she will relax. It's dating--with sex, of course, and a relationship in the making.

She's trying to figure out what "this" is and wants to get out of you all the information she can. It's a test of sorts--well, not of sorts, it is a test. It's a bit of a challenge--"what do you think?" She revealed the obvious and then tosses an open ended question "what do you think?" your way. She got the obvious out of the way, what's left for you except to reply under pressure. Test.

Keep the mystery--relax and say "let's see where it goes" and take her out somewhere active and fun next time. That's where it will go!

Continue going out and having fun on your own, of course.

 

[Player_Supreme]

Well, most women do not do one night stands without a reason. That reason is to catch a desirable mate for a long term relationship. Most women only want relationships. If this woman was crafty then she is doing the right things to play you. Let me show you a few examples:






“she told me that her coworker from my home town had asked whether she was seeing anyone at the moment and she had said yes and that the guy (meaning me) is from your town as well.”

1. She was already testing the relationship waters right here. She introduced a small test and you passed it by keeping your mouth shut. She went to stage 2:

“I thought to contact you by e-mail, since it seems somewhat funny to start talking about these on the phone. I was thinking about our relationship. Or do we have an actual relationship? I would have liked to talk to you about these matters already after the festival, but I was just too tired.”

1. How cowardly. Women are never too tired to talk about relationship issues. Study the words in her sentences. She took the easy way out with no stress and crafted this email to advance you too stage 2…and even got you so hooked that you even volunteered yourself for the deed.



“could work. However, we have just spent only a few weeks together and a couple of weeks a part estranges people”

1. And I thought I new how to use subtle fear tactics…I keep saying women are masters of communication.

But I think the biggest issue that came up is that her last boyfriend (who she stayed with about 4 years and broke up with 1.5 years ago) had turned out to be very jealous type at the end. For example if they went out to a club or a bar, she was not allowed to go 1-2 meters further from him. This made her break up with him and now they are not on good terms anymore. She said that because she has some male friends (I met a few of them, AFC's who she has rejected in the past but kept as friends), she's afraid how I would respond if she goes out with them sometimes.

1. Now she spits her contract. I don’t want you jealous if I go out with other men….after all they are only friends….atleast the ones you’ve met


At one point of the phone call I asked her if she thinks we could give it a try if this relationship would work out. She said that she doesn't know what to say. But she also added that the feelings she has towards me are still there. And she also said that she's amazed how well we click together although we have known each other for only such a short time.

1. yes hook line and sinker

But I could give it a try.

1. enough said.

I’m sure she is a nice person and well worth dating. Just go in with your eyes open. Don’t get played. This is only my interpretation of what you wrote. I always ask myself when a woman says something what is her true meaning here. Sometimes you must look between the lines to see it.

 

[Professor]

Thanks guys. Hmm, two differing opinions...

I'd like to believe that TesuqueRed and Bonhomme were right, but I also fear that Player raises a valid point there. I wish I knew which one is the case here...

 

[TesuqueRed]

I didn't get the sense we contradicted anywhere (just got back from a night of partying---I may need to read more carefully in the a.m....)

My first impression is that my reply was a quick, dash-off summary. Being that, it can't go too deep, can it? Player's post went into far more depth and more interesting points. It's a very good post, imo...

But I don't see where it is one or the other. I look at both and say "yes." Perhaps the major point is that she's pulled a sophisticated and tricky little test on a number of levels. I didn't go into all of it, Player did. My basic response was to not bite on her play, keep the mystery and initiative and positive focus and not answer it as such. Player opened up a good deal more about what her play could mean, and called for a "be clear on what you want and go in with eyes wide open" approach, which I think is dead on.

 

[Starman]

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

You failed her test buddy.

She was testing you to see if you had even given her being your girlfriend a "thought"

you immediately called her and started making plans about how a long distance relationship COULD work!

if you would have said "I agree , friendship is the best thing..and I dont believe in LDR's"

She would have been knocking at your door right now asking you WHY!???

good luck either way

 

[Professor]

Damn... I still haven't learned the tricks of a woman... Yep, hook, line and sinker

So, is there any way to recover the situation? She's coming here this weekend (when we were supposed to discuss about the situation). I haven't contacted her since the phone call, excluding an SMS where I reminded her to bring my fishing rods, which I had left there last time I visited her.

TesuqueRed: what I meant was that I got a more negative feeling of the situation from the Player's reply than of yours or Bonhomme's. You gave an advice of still being a mystery, but is that possible anymore now that I have asked her whether she's ready to try a LDR? I think she knows that I wouldn't ask that if I wasn't willing to try it also?

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Long distance relationships suck.

And I think all the above posts were right on.

If I were you, I would do everything possible not to develop any real feelings for her.

She already told you she will be going out with other guys. Pretty soon, she will be giving the jealousy test / hook and tell you about what a great time she had going out with the boys last night. This creepy guy kept hitting on her all night. Don't get jealous, don't let it get to you because now you know this test will be coming. Most importantly, you should not really care.

It also sounds like she expects you to be exclusive with her (but not the other way around.) If you do date other girls, keep the particulars really vague and keep her guessing about what you are really doing (women love this intrigue and it is basically what she has already done to you.)

If I were you, I would bump her to No. 2 or No. 3 on your string. Have some fun, have some sex, don't tell her what you're really thinking, tell her what she wants to hear (and that isn't "I love you" if you've been on this board long enough.)

Like mirroring body language, mirroring her approach to this LDR is the best way to keep her around (as No. 2 until she proves that she can be No. 1 and the distance gets shortened.)

 

[Professor]

Thanks guys, you've been a great help.

I know LDRs are not easy, but they can work. For example, my sister recently married a guy from a different country and they even lived in different countries for 1.5 years in the beginning of their relationship and saw each other maybe three four times during that time.

But anyway, when she'll bring out this subject next time, how should I react? Like I said she must now know that I have interest in trying the LDR with her. So if I suddenly change my mind, won't that raise some suspicion in her mind, that I don't really mean that?

 

[Starman]

The only thing you can do to erase anything AFC you might have said to her..is to keep your actions inconsistent with your words..

that is Dont call too much, dont EVER mention LDR again, play it cool, appear as tho she doesnt have you so wound up around her little fingers..that you are even willing to consider a LDR ..because she is just ohh soo special and unique and you would do ANYTHING to keep in touch with her

Time to knock her off the pedestal you put her on

if she brings up the subject again..dont go into great detail..just ignore it..and talk about something else..then she will be like WTF??? the last time he was all for a LDR..now he doesnt even wanna talk about it??

 

[Professor]

Thanks for the good advice, Starman. I'm kinda new to this kind of "play", so what exactly should I say if she for example says/asks (in italics):

"So, we were supposed to talk about this situation and how to continue with it." (If I don't raise the subject myself, which she probably expects, since I was the one who said that let's think about the situation and discuss when you come to visit me.)

"But when you called after my e-mail, you were interested in giving a LDR a try with me." (If I suddenly don't seem to be so eager. I'm just afraid that if I change my mind so quickly, it doesn't seem honest or it seems that I'm just saying so to keep her around.)

What can I say here? That I just changed my mind after giving it more thought?

"So, how do you think we should continue from here?"

So probably I can't say, that "let's see how this situation develops and if it doesn't work, then that's it"?

 

[Professor]

Anyone? Any ideas?

 

[Player_Supreme]

Originally posted by Starman
The only thing you can do to erase anything AFC you might have said to her..is to keep your actions inconsistent with your words..

that is Dont call too much, dont EVER mention LDR again, play it cool, appear as tho she doesnt have you so wound up around her little fingers..that you are even willing to consider a LDR ..because she is just ohh soo special and unique and you would do ANYTHING to keep in touch with her

Time to knock her off the pedestal you put her on

if she brings up the subject again..dont go into great detail..just ignore it..and talk about something else..then she will be like WTF??? the last time he was all for a LDR..now he doesnt even wanna talk about it??

Hmmm maybe I am wrong about you. Well crap. I do oppologize. I thought you were just a smart ass. You do know something about this game after all huh.

 

[Professor]

Bump... I have two days to think about this before she arrives...

 

[TesuqueRed]

Alright. I still won't go deep into it because others have and I can't match their input.

You may be overthinking and overanalyzing here--what is that called--????

Analysis paralysis---??? Sure. I hope that translates.

Anyway--2 things:

1) Look at what you did, your attitude, your behaviors that attracted her in the first place and that allowed you BOTH to have a good time (no! I'm not talking about the sex! It's the stuff that lead to the sex...Ok?)

Somehow I think her test has tied you in a knot. Before that, you weren't. What was that state like--?? Something's changed, and you want to find it again.

And it isn't just for this. That was a very successful and valuable place to be. You were fun loving and caught a hot girl. Like learning to approach and talk to women and enjoy yourself doing it, you want to make that person and those behaviors part of how you are.

Somehow she changed the chemistry here by that question. That easily---??? By a simple question--??? By a simple, tricky little game--???

She did. Wow. But you can reverse it.

2) As for WHAT TO DO.

YOU SET THE AGENDA. She wants a man of action, confidence, and one who knows how to have a good time. Have a plan for an ACTION DATE when she appears next. Be active, be fun, overwhelm her.

And--to answer that big fear of yours--what if she brings it up?

Smile mysteriously, wink and say "we'll see." Then kiss her. Or take her paragliding at the beach. Whatever. It's too early to say. Don't get pinned down. Imagine what a guy and girl should be doing at that stage of dating--having fun!! So deflect, give her a C&F answer and followup with something active.

You'll have to prepare and practice ahead of time, and you'll probably have to come up with your own words. We can't give you a script here. A recipe of sorts, sure...

 

[Professor]

Thanks TesuqueRed! That was the kind of advice that I needed. I'm not sure if she'd be satisfied with that kind of an answer, though, after we agreed to talk more when she comes here. But I'll try.

We have a plan to at least go bowling on Friday (she beat me last time, so I challenged her to go again) and do some golfing on Saturday. The weather is a bit bad here at the moment so there's not much one can do outside. Beach fun is certainly out of question already. That's a pity, since when she was here last time, we spent the most of the time at the beach and had a great time there.

I think I'll take this as an experiment and see if it's possible to recover after a slip like that from my prior attitude.