My first post gives background information, and my questions are in the second post.
In junior high (7th and 8th grade), I was fairly popular. I was somewhat of a verbal bully, and I was probably the best of anyone at making of people. I had a strong sense of humor, and I could always make everyone laugh (or cry if I preferred).
My hormones kicked in during the summer after 6th grade. I whacked off several times each day. I had my first (and only) girlfriend in the middle of the seventh grade. We never saw each other out of school because my parents did not want me to start dating until highschool, and after about a month she decided she wanted a boyfriend she could actually do things with.
I was pretty normal until the middle of the eighth grade. At this point, I had lost faith in my religion. I was ridiculously upset (I cried every night due to an inordinate fear of death. I suppose I was quite emotionally depend on the afterlife which I no longer believed in), and I spent several months developing a new ideology. My new ideology was quite unusual, but I see no reason to describe it here. It should suffice to say that my values were unique enough that I entered a period of isolation which has not yet ended.
9th grade: I am isolated. I have school friends, but I never hang out with anyone except at school. I acted strange, and was beginning to lose the energy to even make fun of people, but for some reason the guys liked me pretty well.
10th grade: I finally join the group, and I hang out with the guys a few times during the weekend. I had an inordinate fear of being the unwanted guy that followed them around, so I only did things when I received a direct invitation. It seemed that a large percentage of the socializing was done on the instant messenger things, but I never downloaded one (and still haven’t); I feel like I missed out on a lot for this
reason. I never started dating (and still haven’t); I would tease my friends because I would get more action while staying at home than they did on their dates (whacking off again).
11th grade: I always did well in school, but I was really getting tired of it. I had the reputation for being the best cheater in the class (I would steal tests and gradebooks). I still had good friends, but I was growing out of touch and did not know any of the people they were always talking about. I probably went out with the guys a little less than once per month, but I was always very happy. I deeply enjoyed my introspection time.
12th grade: I got tired of my friends and stop doing things during the
weekends with them. I no longer make fun of people at all (and sort of regret
doing it in the past). I don’t tell jokes publicly anymore, but I was always (and still am) making jokes in my head that only I would think are funny. I laugh out loud at my internal jokes. I am unenthusiastic about college (I view it as another indirect requirement). I only bother to apply to one university (one of the two state decent schools). I had earlier wanted to go to a top school, so I had done a few suck up activities, but I did not even bother to put these on the application or write the optional essay. I get a full academic scholarship anyway (good SAT and decent grades did it I guess). I fail a class during the last semester because I no longer care.
Last summer: I start early at my university. I don’t know anyone, and I love the freedom
and isolation. I set a new PR: one week without saying a word to anyone. I am
strangely happy, and I get all A’s.
Last fall: For some reason, all of my high school friends went to the other public
university. After meeting a bunch of new people, I realized that I liked my old
friends more than I had ever realized. I went to fraternity party during the first
week, but it is a bad experience. I don’t drink, so I just walked around like a moron. I was sort of disgusted with everyone’s actions (I grew up in a conservative rural area).
Towards the end of the semester I feel lonely for the first time; I suppose I am human. I cried for no reason one day while making fun of myself for doing such a womanly thing. I continued to feel lonely until I went home for Christmas. I stil have my 4.0 grade average.
Spring semester (now): I realize my problem. I do not enjoy socializing just to socialize.
I need an objective; In highschool we would always be doing something (like fishing, boating, or camping) or we would engage in stupid little missions (boderline vandalism). It seems that at the university people just talk or drink beer. I have associates from class, but no real friends here.
In junior high (7th and 8th grade), I was fairly popular. I was somewhat of a verbal bully, and I was probably the best of anyone at making of people. I had a strong sense of humor, and I could always make everyone laugh (or cry if I preferred).
My hormones kicked in during the summer after 6th grade. I whacked off several times each day. I had my first (and only) girlfriend in the middle of the seventh grade. We never saw each other out of school because my parents did not want me to start dating until highschool, and after about a month she decided she wanted a boyfriend she could actually do things with.
I was pretty normal until the middle of the eighth grade. At this point, I had lost faith in my religion. I was ridiculously upset (I cried every night due to an inordinate fear of death. I suppose I was quite emotionally depend on the afterlife which I no longer believed in), and I spent several months developing a new ideology. My new ideology was quite unusual, but I see no reason to describe it here. It should suffice to say that my values were unique enough that I entered a period of isolation which has not yet ended.
9th grade: I am isolated. I have school friends, but I never hang out with anyone except at school. I acted strange, and was beginning to lose the energy to even make fun of people, but for some reason the guys liked me pretty well.
10th grade: I finally join the group, and I hang out with the guys a few times during the weekend. I had an inordinate fear of being the unwanted guy that followed them around, so I only did things when I received a direct invitation. It seemed that a large percentage of the socializing was done on the instant messenger things, but I never downloaded one (and still haven’t); I feel like I missed out on a lot for this
reason. I never started dating (and still haven’t); I would tease my friends because I would get more action while staying at home than they did on their dates (whacking off again).
11th grade: I always did well in school, but I was really getting tired of it. I had the reputation for being the best cheater in the class (I would steal tests and gradebooks). I still had good friends, but I was growing out of touch and did not know any of the people they were always talking about. I probably went out with the guys a little less than once per month, but I was always very happy. I deeply enjoyed my introspection time.
12th grade: I got tired of my friends and stop doing things during the
weekends with them. I no longer make fun of people at all (and sort of regret
doing it in the past). I don’t tell jokes publicly anymore, but I was always (and still am) making jokes in my head that only I would think are funny. I laugh out loud at my internal jokes. I am unenthusiastic about college (I view it as another indirect requirement). I only bother to apply to one university (one of the two state decent schools). I had earlier wanted to go to a top school, so I had done a few suck up activities, but I did not even bother to put these on the application or write the optional essay. I get a full academic scholarship anyway (good SAT and decent grades did it I guess). I fail a class during the last semester because I no longer care.
Last summer: I start early at my university. I don’t know anyone, and I love the freedom
and isolation. I set a new PR: one week without saying a word to anyone. I am
strangely happy, and I get all A’s.
Last fall: For some reason, all of my high school friends went to the other public
university. After meeting a bunch of new people, I realized that I liked my old
friends more than I had ever realized. I went to fraternity party during the first
week, but it is a bad experience. I don’t drink, so I just walked around like a moron. I was sort of disgusted with everyone’s actions (I grew up in a conservative rural area).
Towards the end of the semester I feel lonely for the first time; I suppose I am human. I cried for no reason one day while making fun of myself for doing such a womanly thing. I continued to feel lonely until I went home for Christmas. I stil have my 4.0 grade average.
Spring semester (now): I realize my problem. I do not enjoy socializing just to socialize.
I need an objective; In highschool we would always be doing something (like fishing, boating, or camping) or we would engage in stupid little missions (boderline vandalism). It seems that at the university people just talk or drink beer. I have associates from class, but no real friends here.
(Im not saying you are one