Pictures Of Ex's on Facebook

[United4Life]

Hey guys,

So here's the situation, I've started seeing this incredible girl. First girl I have dated in well over the last 14 months or so that would even remotely have me consider dropping all of the plates that are spinning. But as the title suggests there is one thing that really bothers me about her.

On her Facebook there are pictures from last 4 years of guys (two different guys) that she's been in relationships with. I assume they are uploaded in order so there are pictures of another guy and her within the first two years, that the last BF would also have seen. These aren't just pictures of the two of them with friends etc. There are many, many pictures of them with her family and his family. The latest of these pictures was posted in October of last year which coincides roughly with the time she said her and the last guy broke up.

I guess I'm wondering how to approach this with her. I'm not a huge FB fan myself, and don't really have much activity on there. (although I understand adding her as a 'friend' contradicts this) It's quite hard to look at pictures of her with and ex's, let alone the only two guys she's been with. In my mind I equate this somewhat to me having pictures of some of my ex's around my house, ( I don't, just a comparative example) except the difference is that only few people would see them, not over 200 'friends' on FB.

I want to ask her to take them down, as I see it as sort of disrespectful. Is this a fair request to ask of someone?

 

[mahoney]

well dude, if it bothers you it bothers you - but if any girl asked me to take down pictures from my fb my answer would be a definitive NO - and i'd never ask this of someone else either. Really not a big fan of this kind of possessiveness - especially from someone i've just met. redflag of attempted controlling behavior, really not a fan of that personally

You're kind of asking some girl who you've only just started seeing to start taking stuff down off her facebook because...you can't handle seeing picture of her in the past with someone else. how long before you start asking her not to see certain friends or wear certain clothes or go to certain places in case certain people might be there?

I mean it kind of depends on your personality i guess, if you can't handle that kind of thing then its going to come out sooner or later so she might as well know this about you right now (good luck with any attempts at playing nonchalant in future though or seeming like you have plenty options, because thats kind of playing your cards about your personality type pretty early on)

 

[ohnoes]

If those pictures were up before you were around, you really don't have much say in the matter i.e. you would appear too controlling to tell her to take them down. She isn't exactly throwing it in your face. You have to click to go through those photo albums. What does it matter? So she loved some other guys in her past.. We all have had loves..

Now, if she recently put them up while you guys have been dating, I would be pissed.

I'm sure some of those pictures bring back fond memories that she cherishes.

 

[bigneil]

My ex had pictures of her and her ex on her FB. I'm not the jealous type at all, but there's a difference between making someone jealous and making them sick.

After 3 months of her talking about this guy I finally confronted her about all her photos. She originally said she'd take them down, but instead she basically ended our relationship, the reason for which being that she didn't feel I wasn't confident enough for her.

 

[GhostWriter]

I hate BS situations like these.

I think you'd be better off in any condition by not saying anything at all and letting it go.

Anything else and you'll appear to be jealous or controlling.

 

[United4Life]

I appreciate the responses guys. I'm certainly not a controlling person or lacking confidence. I guess my thoughts on the situation derive from her telling me that the first guy cheated on her after so long together, and the second dude just ended it without warning. I would think these actions may have caused a reaction.

Do you think maybe the age difference matters at all? I'm 31 and she is 24/ You could say that younger people seem to like FB more than older ones, although I am hardly an old man. lol, I just think FB is a little silly at times.

 

[st_99]

IMO, if you just started seeing her, then you don't really have any case here and a request to take down pics is a BAD idea.

Having said that, if you two have become "serious" (and define that how you may) well YEAH! thats bullsht and she should take them down.

BUT, having said all that.. you have to judge her based on what she does I think, not on what you ask her to do. If I felt I was getting close to a girl that I really liked, I would voluntarily take them down, maybe put them in some kind of folder where they are not plastered all over.

 

[AlexDP]

If you just started seeing her, let it be. But do keep in mind that it's a definite red flag. My BPD ex for example held on to pictures of her ex's on facebook. More specifically she would still have one picture of her and every ex that ever mattered on facebook. Most of the time these pictures would refer to a good memory (BPD's have object constancy issues, so they need reminders). She had had a lot of ex's, but only a picture of two of them on facebook. I am now the third she still has a picture of on there. It honestly creeped me out, because she completely dropped me, acted as if I was dead and the most horrible person alive, but she does hold on to the memory of me by keeping one picture up there.

I remove pictures of my ex. It doesn't seem fair to the new person I'm dating and honestly, I think that if you still have pictures on there you're bound to look at them at some point and daydream about them. We're not BPD and your girl probably isn't either, but pictures can still invoke some strong feelings and if they're still on there, they are for a reason.

EDIT: she's already playing the victim role, but still has those pictures on there. An extra reason to tread carefully.

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

If you just started seeing her, let it be. But do keep in mind that it's a definite red flag. My BPD ex for example held on to pictures of her ex's on facebook. More specifically she would still have one picture of her and every ex that ever mattered on facebook. Most of the time these pictures would refer to a good memory (BPD's have object constancy issues, so they need reminders). She had had a lot of ex's, but only a picture of two of them on facebook. I am now the third she still has a picture of on there. It honestly creeped me out, because she completely dropped me, acted as if I was dead and the most horrible person alive, but she does hold on to the memory of me by keeping one picture up there.

I remove pictures of my ex. It doesn't seem fair to the new person I'm dating and honestly, I think that if you still have pictures on there you're bound to look at them at some point and daydream about them. We're not BPD and your girl probably isn't either, but pictures can still invoke some strong feelings and if they're still on there, they are for a reason.

EDIT: she's already playing the victim role, but still has those pictures on there. An extra reason to tread carefully.

funny how those bpd chicks have a love/hate black/white thing with you but still want to hang on. or will call you out of the blue after they say they hate you and never want to talk to you again.

bpd's love to play the victim and blame the ex's and keep them around. not saying she is but that is what they do.

any chick who holds on to ex pictures that long on fb or whatever is bad news in my book. they cant let go and have emotional weaknesses. that is very true.

either she isnt over them or wants to go down memory lane every time she looks at them..

most people I know delete them after it is over and dont want to see them.

she is not your gf so you cant say anything. it is also her page and old photos

as long as your the only guy banging her then it shouldnt be a problem.

if you want to teach her a lesson add a pic of you and you ex's on there and see how she likes it but i wouldnt suggest that. would be kinda funny tho.

Hey united...does she have any of the ex's as "facebook friends?" I would check that out to see if she still is in contact with them.

 

[AlexDP]

funny how those bpd chicks have a love/hate black/white thing with you but still want to hang on. or will call you out of the blue after they say they hate you and never want to talk to you again.

bpd's love to play the victim and blame the ex's and keep them around. not saying she is but that is what they do.

I haven't had contact with mine in almost four months. But when I was with her I noticed that she started texting her most significant ex after months of silence between them. She claimed he always texted her and she never responded, but I think she may have initiated it all. I honestly don't know if she will, but I think the picture may point in that direction. I have untagged myself though.

In any case they have to hold on to pictures and stuff like that, because most of them do feel the loss of long term relationships, but they're not able to recreate the entire memory of the person in their head. It's insane, because they act as if you don't exist. But then you call them and they start screaming how bad a person you are (which, let's be frank, only means they're not quite over you). Then the next relationship fails and you're suddenly "the one who always cared about her". There must be so many ghosts in her mind.

I went off topic, but I guess all I'm saying is: if a chick has pictures of her ex's on facebook, she will look at them and she will remember them fondly. Otherwise they would have been gone. It also points to emotional immaturity. Be careful.

 

[Ace_Magnamus]

I haven't had contact with mine in almost four months. But when I was with her I noticed that she started texting her most significant ex after months of silence between them. She claimed he always texted her and she never responded, but I think she may have initiated it all. I honestly don't know if she will, but I think the picture may point in that direction. I have untagged myself though.

In any case they have to hold on to pictures and stuff like that, because most of them do feel the loss of long term relationships, but they're not able to recreate the entire memory of the person in their head. It's insane, because they act as if you don't exist. But then you call them and they start screaming how bad a person you are (which, let's be frank, only means they're not quite over you). Then the next relationship fails and you're suddenly "the one who always cared about her". There must be so many ghosts in her mind.

I went off topic, but I guess all I'm saying is: if a chick has pictures of her ex's on facebook, she will look at them and she will remember them fondly. Otherwise they would have been gone. It also points to emotional immaturity. Be careful.

unless she was on good terms with him as a booty call she was the one making contact. my friend's ex was contacting him when she had a new bf. that was right after she got him. he never contaced her. same with mine. she did all the contacting after I cut it off. they always contact the ex's they tought the most of. when you think about it that is not very much. hate to see what the guys they really hated went through. they are crazy screwed up girls. they hang on to gifts that you gave them too like the pictures. when things are bad in the current relationship they call you and expect you to help them. they act like you are still with them. its weird. but they all keep their hook up buddies and favorite ex's around or in contact for future use to bounce around.

not to take on his thread but def check out the ex's on her account if they are there. but those pics on there have been on there 8 months after and should be gone. i could see maybe a month. but not over 8. chicks that still keep pics of the ex on accounts are still not over them bpd or not.

if you do get into a relationship with her you should tell her to take them down because that is not cool. cant really say anything now but dont let her keep those on there because there is no reason to.

 

[AlexDP]

unless she was on good terms with him as a booty call she was the one making contact. my friend's ex was contacting him when she had a new bf. that was right after she got him. he never contaced her. same with mine. she did all the contacting after I cut it off. they always contact the ex's they tought the most of. when you think about it that is not very much. hate to see what the guys they really hated went through. they are crazy screwed up girls. they hang on to gifts that you gave them too like the pictures. when things are bad in the current relationship they call you and expect you to help them. they act like you are still with them. its weird. but they all keep their hook up buddies and favorite ex's around or in contact for future use to bounce around.

No man, he was as black as could be. I'm sure that she didn't like something about me and then contacted him again. And I think I should brace myself for future contact as well. Seems that there are two types: those who really cut you out completely and never look back and those who try to recycle you. She has cut me out completely, but given the fact she apparently engaged other ex's after months of silence points to her contacting me again as well. I wouldn't even mind having her around you know, once you understand BPD for what it is, you know how to protect yourself.

Anyways, time to get on topic again I suppose.

 

[Kailex]

She should be asking YOU why you have so many pictures of yourself with different women.

 

[49au]

My FB has pictures of me with exes and girls I've slept with. Pictures I uploaded, not tags.

This became an issue in my last relationship but I did not take the pictures down. I told her that I loved her and I was not interested in those girls, BUT those were good memories of times past and I didn't want to delete them. One of my albums is just a bunch of pictures from last year of me with various women and me partying with friends. When I look at that album it gives me a deep sense of satisfaction that I have had a lot of fun and much to be grateful for.

As for my relationship... not sure if the overall effect was good or bad.

 

[AlexDP]

My FB has pictures of me with exes and girls I've slept with. Pictures I uploaded, not tags.

This became an issue in my last relationship but I did not take the pictures down. I told her that I loved her and I was not interested in those girls, BUT those were good memories of times past and I didn't want to delete them. One of my albums is just a bunch of pictures from last year of me with various women and me partying with friends. When I look at that album it gives me a deep sense of satisfaction that I have had a lot of fun and much to be grateful for.

As for my relationship... not sure if the overall effect was good or bad.

I have pictures of my more important ex's on my laptop. I almost never look at them, but when I do, I remember the good times. I don't have them on my facebook though, because I feel facebook is a way of presenting yourself to the world. If the girl I'm currently dating sees a picture of me with my most recent ex sitting on my lap, yeah, I can understand why it would bother her.

But if she had pictures of her and her ex on facebook, I wouldn't ask her to remove them. I would ask if she still had feelings for him though and I would look out for other hints. In the end women are people too and there's a good chance she just wants to remember the good times and has no intention of ever going back to him.

 

[SamTheHobit]

The mindset you should have is 'other guys just make you look better' and leave it at that.

 

[element0]

And this is where Facebook becomes a detriment to human society.

 

[bigneil]

Facebook = Narcissism:

http://www.alternet.org/media/150339/facebook_linked_to_narcissism

 

[loveshogun]

I've started seeing this incredible girl.

Well, if she's incredible, chances are someone else thought so, too, and ended up dating her. You will have to get over the whole petty jealousy thing. If you can't see the difference between a girl having an ex or two (your situation), and a girl still being involved with an ex or two (hopefully will never become your situation), then you shouldn't get into relationships.

My main point is that it's tough to "see this as disrespectful" because it's not. You can't say she's disrespecting you just because she had a life before you came along. It's not like she's sending you links to them and saying "look at this guy who I used to _____." You're looking at these photos - no one is making you.

Don't get me wrong. I agree that the "old photos" issue is something that can bother people a lot, and so personally, as a matter of course, I disable the "Photos of Love Shogun" link on my profile so people can't click through my sh*t. But that's because I'd prefer for them to learn who I am by talking to and interacting with me directly, not by sifting through old photos and judging me for situations that I'd been in that they know nothing about.

It'd be different if she was your wife, and she had these photos physically in your space - meaning they were printed out and hanging up around your walls. But they're not.

And seriously - as if Facebook is an accurate representation of who you are.

Just relax, bud.

 

[dereklovesugly]

You're just showing your insecure with yourself. Her past I'd her past, let it be.