Personal Boundaries

[Interceptor]

It is important to learn from experiences and work on strenghtening our Personal Boundary.
We need to build Doors to let in what we need, and let out what we need to let out too.
But most people build impenetrable Walls, where nothing really comes in or out.
And when this action fails us, many people begin to blame the external environment for their problems.

When we don't know how to safeguard and protect our resources, we give them away unjudiciously, we also let other people and environments take them from us.

What happens then is we feel we are 'being taken advantage of", and are "gving away too much."
And then we begin to realize that when we don't respect ourselves and our resources, meaning, it can be perceived that they are not worth much to us anyway, people take them.

And because we lack enough respect and shrewdness to stop them and control the flow of resources, we feel like we are disrespected.
But deeply feeling disrespect and being easily offended is a sign of strong Ego and deep insecurity , not strong Self steem.


But we have to realize that if we don't respect ourselves, it is often too much to expect others will.



You cannot expect others to understand your personal criteria to how and when and to whom our personal resources are to be shared.


And then, because we lack a fundamental understanding of just HOW our Personal Boundary WORKS, we go back to BULDING a WALL around us.

So it becomes a vicous cycle.

Hurt causes damage.
The hurt then builds resentment and anger.
The anger and resentment build an emotional wall.
We go out into the world with an emotional wall that doesn't let out our resources, but doesnt let others' in as well.
We get lonely and confused about our lack of fulfilment and intimacy satisfaction.
We realize that we do not have a connection to anyone really.
We get angry and build even more walls, and begin to squander and covet our personal resources because now we feel the things like Love and affection and intimacy are SCARCE.

We begin to reinforce the Notion that these things are SCARCE inside of us, and OUTSIDE of us as well.

So now we add to the anger and bitterness and resentment towards people not loving us and showering us with affection, while all the time hoardng and greedily protecting our now SCARCE emotional resources....and we're in a 'Give me something for Nothing" mentality, and we wonder why no one gives us love and affection when all the time we were never giving any to begin with.....


We get scared , angry , and lonely and begin to lash out at the world in reaction.

And the fear makes us angry.

And anger turned in ward is Depression.

And we get lonely again and isolated again....


and the cycle continues.



Here's something else to consider...

Ever see people shun the guy who according to some, looks like he's always in a bad mood?
He keeps to himself a lot, ddoesn't talk to many people, isn't too approachable?

People like that have a hard time making friends.
They are usually shunned socially.

Why?
because they give the impression that they are LACKING in Personal Resources.

Unfortuantely, the guy (or woman) will usually get angry and depressed and not having friends and intimate connections.
So he will blame people and convince himself that people are just mean and cruel NATURALLY.

"I'm a good guy, but people are mean, they don't want to be my friend."

But he doesn't make any effort to make friends, so people decide "Fine, don't want to make an erffort? Neither will I."
They reason if he is in such dire need to protect hmself, then he must not have much to give anyway.
So why bother?


And he creates a self fulfilling prophecy, a vicous cycle that repeats.

 

[penkitten]

oh, im so gonna love this thread, after just skimming through it.
i have to go to the grocery and do some mom chores and then i will be back to post on it....
don't let it go away before my return.

 

[Jon55]

I'll be the first to admit, it hit closer to home than I'd like to believe.

 

[penkitten]

so if one has no boundaries in the first place, and ends up hurt by friends and puts up an emotional wall, then has no friends, how does one tear down the wall but leave boundaries in tact to be able to pursue a new healthy friendship?

 

[KarmaSutra]

Spiritual Intelligence Commando Officer Interceptor has written another epic thread. BOUNDARY RESPECT is a reflection of how we hold our own esteem and self worth. It is the external validation of how we value our spirit.

Which is why it is critical to keep your awareness and third eye open for any possibility to promote an extension of your personality to another.

People shun society because they've lost the idea of themselves as valuable, both to themselves and to thier peers. They don't love themselves thusly falling into depression which is a pit dug deeper and deeper by thier own hands.

 

[Interceptor]

so if one has no boundaries in the first place, and ends up hurt by friends and puts up an emotional wall, then has no friends, how does one tear down the wall but leave boundaries in tact to be able to pursue a new healthy friendship?

Great question, penny.

The creation of Personal Boundaries is primarily a by product of two fundamental things.

Self Esteem

Self Respect


With these two we then begin to form our Concept of SELF WORTH.

When combined, all three then give us ENERGY to EXPECT Good behavior from ourselves, and DENY bad behavior From OUR SELVES and OTHERS, and we also learn how TO GIVE our RESOURCES properly. and RECEIVE them with respect and gratitude.


We learn to be strong enough to SAY NO, and strong enough when other people SAY NO to US.
In short, like properly learning and applying how to manage our Money, our Personal Boundary helps us manage our Resources.





So how do we gain these?

By focusing on things that bring us happiness, and fulfillment.

By accomplishing Goals, we achieve Success.
By achieving Sucess, we begin to feel Self Esteem.
The MORE Self Esteem we build, the more Self Respect we have.
And the more we have of those, the more present and stronger our sense of SELF WORTH becomes.

We then begin to Build CONFIDENCE.

And this CONFIDENCE we build gives us strength to ASSERT ourselves AGAINST people trying to TAKE things FROM US, AND GIVING Plenty of our Time, and Emotional resources, and financial if possible, to others.
In addition, we begin to understand that we cannot simply TAKE Resources from others.

WE may ask, and the kind , good people in our lives can give them to us by their own decision, but we cannot assume that other people's Resources are OURS to do with as WE please.

So we begin to understand how to live life, protecting our Resources, and RESPECTING others RESOURCES too.


It's about MANAGING our RESOURCES.

We learn HOW to GIVE, and HOW to DENY. and how to PROPERLY RECEIVE.


If we know we could make a lot of money EASILY, and HAVE plenty of cash in the BANK.
How easy it is then to give some to charity or to your family and friends in NEED?
And if you are strong enough and compassionate and giving enough, and know you have PLENTY of Cash...how easy wolud it be NOW that you HAVE This Personal Boundary AND Cash to GIVE IT AWAY to ANYONE in need?

You now have the boundary to protect you, so you will not be taken advanatge of.

You KNOW how to MANAGE your RESOURCES.

 

[reset]

Good stuff. I've decided to make everything I do goal oriented, no matter how big or small, so I can say I have achieved a goal and continually reinforce that sense of success that leads to self-esteem which leads to confidence. My time is starting to seem much more valuable to me because of this, it's a resource that I want to manage and (gasp) ENJOY.

So I am following your lead Interceptor! :woo:

 

[Interceptor]

That's exaclty how this works, Reset.

You begin to see the VALUE and WORTH of yourSELF and your RESOURCES.
Knowing the VALUE.you now RESPECT it even more, and with growing CONFIDENCE you can MANAGE it much more Logically.

If your Time is valueable to you, you will not simply waste it. You will force yourself to be Productive, and accept circumstances from others that are WORTH WHILE to you.
You gain respect for it, and you begin to protect it form being abused.


And your Emotional Resources, like Love, Affection, kindness, etc are also valueable, so you will not simply give them to people who will not appreciate them.


And now, knowing your self worth.and most imprtantly the RELIEF and PEACE of MIND you NOW HAVE..

that YOU ARE NOW FULLY IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL RESOURCES by way of your PERSONAL BOUNDARY.
this PEACE of Mind gives you another side.COMPASSION and CONSIDERATION.

Since you now start to feel that your love, and affection, kindness etc are NOT "SCARCE": anymore, you are much more giving in a free manner, you can be kind and courteous, polite , respectful to anyone whom you choose. Knowing that you do not LOSE anything in exchange.

You become a stronger, more compassionate, with even more reosurces, and a better person overall.


You become more patient and more forgiving.

Because you start to move into ABUNDANCE MENTALITY.

all courtesy of your Self Respect, Self Esteem, Self Worth, and your Personl Boundary.

 

[reset]

That's what It's about for me now. I really want the world to have been a better place because I was here. But I have to be equal to that desire.

Keep it up.

 

[Interceptor]

bumping.please take a few minutes to read

 

[penkitten]

on a smaller note, there is a special school here in louisville, for kids with add and dyslexia. it is called the de paul school.
one of the lessons the de paul school teaches elementary children is personal boundary space in terms of getting too close to people and invading their breathing room.
a lot of children, especially ones with learning issues, do not understand how close is too close, and get into people's faces and become touchy feely.

they line the kids up in the hall and have them walk around in hula hoops.
your hula hoop is not allowed to touch someone else's.
this shows them what is acceptable and what is not.

it comes down to a point of, if something is bothering me "get it out of my circle" sort of thing.

it teaches respect at an early age.

 

[Being_the_Don]

Here's something else to consider...

Ever see people shun the guy who according to some, looks like he's always in a bad mood?
He keeps to himself a lot, ddoesn't talk to many people, isn't too approachable?
People like that have a hard time making friends.
They are usually shunned socially.

Why?
because they give the impression that they are LACKING in Personal Resources.

Unfortuantely, the guy (or woman) will usually get angry and depressed and not having friends and intimate connections.
So he will blame people and convince himself that people are just mean and cruel NATURALLY.

"I'm a good guy, but people are mean, they don't want to be my friend."

But he doesn't make any effort to make friends, so people decide "Fine, don't want to make an erffort? Neither will I."
They reason if he is in such dire need to protect hmself, then he must not have much to give anyway.
So why bother?


And he creates a self fulfilling prophecy, a vicous cycle that repeats.

That is too much of a generalization. Humans are conditioned to follow what others say, reputations affect people's perceptions. Have you heard of the phrase "your reputation PRECEDES you?" it means that often times people have heard about you and come to conclusions about you before you even open your mouth. It is possible to overcome the rumors but not always. For example a large group of people have talked so and so up to be really cool, exciting, etc. but in real life that so and so could be nasty, crappy, etc. Now you would EXPECT so and so to be cool because of rep but the REALITY that you see about so and so is entirely different. If enough people see the difference in so and so (or want to believe in it whether it be true or not) then the rep can change again only this time it will be downward.

Another thing to point out is that people can make efforts to associate with others even in the face of being labelled unfriendly, etc. and they will have an uphill battle to overcome because of the rumors and innuendos. Why do you think it can be so hard for some people to find work or a place to stay? If negative things are said about them, generalizations and stereotypes made then it becomes hard on them. You can see that all the time if you read the papers, listen to complaints people might make at counselling centers, etc. And if a person is constantly told he/she will never amount to anything, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe the opposite about himself/herself. Really, it takes a strong spirit to overcome those obstacles but a lot of people-MOST people- lack the conviction to overcome whatever is thrown at them.

The world is full of fickle people, they can like you one minute and ostracize you the next depending on what the majority view is at the time. All you have to do is look at the media to see that.

So, to infer that people may actually be right in "shunning" someone who appears to have difficulty making friends as if it is the fault of that person is wrong.

 

[Interceptor]

So, to infer that people may actually be right in "shunning" someone who appears to have difficulty making friends as if it is the fault of that person is wrong.

I'm not sure I follow you.
are you saying that I am inferring this notion?

I am not.
I am not justifying any 'shunning'.

What I am trying to state is that some people become so wrapped up in their negativity, that they become 'victims' , and start making excuses on WHY NOT to change things, and themselves for the better.
So they begin to act from the standpoint of : "I am not responsible for my actions, nor my current life condition."



In essence, when these socially awkward people feel shunned, they tend to WITHDRAW even more.

(what does that mean? they perpetuate their condition into further negativity and unfulfillment.
Now, does EVERYONE do that? No. many people evaluate their condition, and take steps to correct their behavior and thoughts, and beliefs. Thus, placing themselves on a path of healthy interactions, and responsibility for their actions. This is part of maturity.)

To the point that they rationalize and justify their loneliness and isolation.

They may even become proud of that.
But they are completely missing the point here.
What they in effect are doing is perpetuating even more of this socially awkward and shunning energy into their life.

Thus, creating more problems than solutions.

Which is typical oif the guy who has the 'victim mentality'.
He blames others for his own misery.
And often, many people whom have such a DEEP Emotional Investment in being miserable, and feeling sorry for themselves, and wanting everyone to feel sorry for them, in an Ego Protecting manner, are the ones who continue to propagate this mentality, thus, they continue experiencing these things in their lives.
Life is never about making excuses.

And one will hopefully realize, and be mature enough to actually SEE that if the current program ain't working, it's time to FIX IT.



See, many people look to the outside and EXPECT other people to always act morally , righteous, and ethically.
They tend to place too much importance on how OTHERS SHOULD act, and how things SHOULD be ,ratherthan taking responsibility for themselves and their lives.
And being independent of others opinions, especially when they are negative, and yes, not very considerate.

 

[Interceptor]

That is too much of a generalization. Humans are conditioned to follow what others say, reputations affect people's perceptions. Have you heard of the phrase "your reputation PRECEDES you?" it means that often times people have heard about you and come to conclusions about you before you even open your mouth. It is possible to overcome the rumors but not always. For example a large group of people have talked so and so up to be really cool, exciting, etc. but in real life that so and so could be nasty, crappy, etc. Now you would EXPECT so and so to be cool because of rep but the REALITY that you see about so and so is entirely different. If enough people see the difference in so and so (or want to believe in it whether it be true or not) then the rep can change again only this time it will be downward.

Another thing to point out is that people can make efforts to associate with others even in the face of being labelled unfriendly, etc. and they will have an uphill battle to overcome because of the rumors and innuendos. Why do you think it can be so hard for some people to find work or a place to stay? If negative things are said about them, generalizations and stereotypes made then it becomes hard on them. You can see that all the time if you read the papers, listen to complaints people might make at counselling centers, etc. And if a person is constantly told he/she will never amount to anything, it becomes increasingly difficult to believe the opposite about himself/herself. Really, it takes a strong spirit to overcome those obstacles but a lot of people-MOST people- lack the conviction to overcome whatever is thrown at them.

The world is full of fickle people, they can like you one minute and ostracize you the next depending on what the majority view is at the time. All you have to do is look at the media to see that.

So, to infer that people may actually be right in "shunning" someone who appears to have difficulty making friends as if it is the fault of that person is wrong.

What I am getting at is that the propensity for SELF DEFEATING and SELF LIMITNG Beliefs are very prevalent.
Yes, I agree.
Adn MOST people simply dont place much value on taking responsibility for their actions and their lives.


But, where I am coming from is ; "What does that have to do with me?"
Since, I am not obsessed on how others perceive me, I do not take in all this drama and self pity and seems so prevalent.
This self pity and drama only serves to keep people shackled in their misery. And they keep making excuses. More and more self limiting beliefs.


"Other people aren't that disciplined. So why should I bother??"


I mean, if you're huingry , and you know you have to eat, but you see most people eat only white bread, but you see a loaf of whole grain bread,
What are YOU going to do?

NOT eat the whole grain bread????!!

Or are you going to say "Fvck that! IM hungry! I need to eat!"
And eat the food that OTHERS dont seem to be valuing???

If one has common sense and reasoning, one will choose based on one's own needs, NOT on some group think Opinion.
This is the differnece between people whom are SELF DIRECTED with an internal Locus of Control, and most people.

When it comes down to it, you make life or death choices. You really do.
Many people simply dont realize this.

But as we usually see, many people whom dont have very strong senses of Self, Identity, desire, commitment, and Values, simply let life carry them , aimlessly.
Without direction.
And they grow up into adulthood thinking that 'boy psychology' and 'victim mentality ' is normal.
Afer all, everyone ELSE is doing this. Why should I be different?
Right??




This is simply too much emphasis on EXTERNAL Validation and looking to external sources for Guidance.
I can't relate to that.

 

[Being_the_Don]

What I am getting at is that the propensity for SELF DEFEATING and SELF LIMITNG Beliefs are very prevalent.
Yes, I agree.
Adn MOST people simply dont place much value on taking responsibility for their actions and their lives.


But, where I am coming from is ; "What does that have to do with me?"
Since, I am not obsessed on how others perceive me, I do not take in all this drama and self pity and seems so prevalent.
This self pity and drama only serves to keep people shackled in their misery. And they keep making excuses. More and more self limiting beliefs.


"Other people aren't that disciplined. So why should I bother??"


I mean, if you're huingry , and you know you have to eat, but you see most people eat only white bread, but you see a loaf of whole grain bread,
What are YOU going to do?

NOT eat the whole grain bread????!!

Or are you going to say "Fvck that! IM hungry! I need to eat!"
And eat the food that OTHERS dont seem to be valuing???

If one has common sense and reasoning, one will choose bases on one's own needs, NOT on some group think Opinion.
When it comes down to it, you make life or death choices. You really do.
Many people simply dont realize this.

But as we usually see, many people whom dont have very strong senses of Self, Identity, desire, commitment, and Values, simply let life carry them , aimlessly.
Without direction.
And they grow up into adulthood thinking that 'boy psychology' and 'victim mentality ' is normal.
Afer all, everyone ELSE is doing this. Why should I be different?
Right??




This is simply too much emphasis on EXTERNAL Validation and looking to external sources for Guidance.
I can't relate to that.

I agree with most of what you wrote in your OP as well as the more recent posts on this thread, but I do disagree with the notion that people who are shunned always do it to themselves. Self fulfilling prephecy I do agree with, and as I said it takes a strong spirit to overcome terrific obstacles; unfortunately most people lack the conviction to really change their lives or stand up for themselves. In most cases is DOES start from within (the belief that you can make something of your life) but with some people, they really do need the encouragement of someone else, a role model. And if none are around the person who has been taught that life will never get better will continue to be beaten down by it.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

The problem is that most people are oblivious to this personal boundary idea. It´s funny that we can easily see the holes in other´s people´s boundaries but our own!! I have an aunt that lives "depressed" because all of her children are "high maintenance", and she has a lof of problems. Now her holes are the following: She wants to do everything for everybody, takes care of her children´s kids, works like crazy to make money enough so she can give in to her daughter´s blackmail, lends money to her son knowing that he never pays back, and so forth. If we dare show her these she gets MAD. See how sick this is? I have a cousin that gave his credit card to his "GF". Guess what? She spent all money he had, and he went crazy.

Scary isn´t it?

"If you´re being mistreated, you´re cooperating with the treatment".

"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are".

 

[reset]

"If you´re being mistreated, you´re cooperating with the treatment".

Good point. I struggled with personal boundary at first because I didn't really understand the concept. I had a weak personal boundary because I allowed every influence from others to dictate my world, good or bad. The last few months I've come to learn more that no matter what people do, it's going to be me that decides what it actually means to my life.

I guess personal boundary only comes with a growing self-esteem. Once you value yourself more, you don't want to be in situations where you are abused. People with weak personal boundary will just take it. People with a stronger one, will take action so that their outer world has a better chance of conforming to their inner world.

And I think the ultimate result of THAT, is what Interceptor said in another thread, about trials-by-fire. Only by learning to defend yourself, and your boundary, will you get to the point that you truly see that arguing and fighting is ultimately a waste of time. You do your best. If that doesn't work, you move on.

 

[BMX]

Cool post Interceptor. I have come to grips with reality and realize I need to a)drink a gallon or more on days I'm active and b) keep getting out of the house and widen my boundaries in situations less familiar and seemingly cold. By keeping this up, it will become 2nd nature to converse and carry myself naturally without any said shunning.

 

[Moon Ram]

This post must be placed in the bible.
A LOT of people in this fourm has this emotional wall within them. I also had the same type of problems. I had no friends, I had the mentality "Give me something for nothing". I finally was able to make friends when I started to open up to people, when I started to share my resources with others.
I wanted to post something something like a long time ago, but I couldn't find the right words. I'm saving this post.

 

[gtownjuan]

really influential post. It clears up lots of stuff that really bother me. Sometimes thin stuff that you guys post really hits hard on my life. Thanks