Perfectionism Is Not Your Friend

[crumpiteer]

Perfectionism can be a great help to people in many areas, but can be fatal to becoming a Don Juan. Perfectionists, always trying to find the ultimate secrets of seduction go from one e-book to another, from website to another, looking for a way that they can be right all the time. YES! Now, I found it. It's this PUA, or this poster, or this e-book! Wait... something is wrong here. Not all of these methods are working and I have draw downs! How can it be that this particular method failed and I actually had to suffer a rejection? Must be something wrong. I will try harder and look for an even better seduction manual, a more expensive DVD program, a new and improved PU guru, some absolutely no-fail technique so that I can have ONLY SUCCESSFUL PICKUPS ALL THE TIME. This is perfectionism in action. Not only does this type of irrational behavior and belief undermine and demoralize you in your journey to become a Don Juan, but it takes away all the enjoyment and fun of being in the set/approach/activity.

This is what happens with perfectionists. Perfectionists are made, not born. We are taught from an early age by demanding (and often well-meaning) parents that we have to be the best in order to win their approval and the approval of others. Unfortunately, this is totally upside down. Perfectionists share a belief that perfection is required in order to be accepted by others. The reality is that acceptance cannot be gained through performance or any other external factors. Self-acceptance is the root of happiness and the true beginning of personal evolution. If you have a perfectionist mentality when approaching women, you are setting yourself up for failure, because it is a "given" that you will experience some difficulties along the way. You must begin to think of the approach as just a game. Depending on hope does not work either. The object should be to just be yourself at your best, not perfection. Moreover, it is essential to strive for improvement over a realistic/reasonable period of time, as opposed to insisting that every gaming must be excellent. This is a marathon...not a sprint. A good DJ should know how to take let go & next the girl, and let the good games run. Perfectionists often do exactly the opposite. Perfectionists are always striving and never arriving. The bad woman will find the flaw in a perfectionistic and exploit it. You are your own greatest teacher and your most demanding critic, so take this wonderful opportunity every day to learn about yourself and make yourself strong. If you see in yourself this trait of perfectionism rearing its ugly head, it's OK to get angry at it and even yell or curse at it. Do whatever it takes to acknowledge it and then find a way to fix it.

 

[Wiesman44]

I think you're completely wrong on this one.

Perfectionism is good. Guys want to perfect their game so its at the highest level possible. Everybody knows you will get rejected. just b/c you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you are ignorant to that fact. You must approach and get field experience, and if you're a perfectionist, u will do that.

I think its anything BUT bad to be a perfectionist in striving to become a DJ

 

[Jezz]

Interesting points but with this debate it is hard to classify a right/wrong response. Perfectionism is a gift IN MODERATION (as many things are).

There we go - my view - enjoy the sweet smell of that distilled wisdom.

 

[crumpiteer]

I think you're completely wrong on this one.

Perfectionism is good. Guys want to perfect their game so its at the highest level possible. Everybody knows you will get rejected. just b/c you're a perfectionist doesn't mean you are ignorant to that fact. You must approach and get field experience, and if you're a perfectionist, u will do that.

I think its anything BUT bad to be a perfectionist in striving to become a DJ

'Perfectionism' is not to be confused with 'healthy striving'

It's something which makes you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough...

It's something which may cause you to procrastinate and put off some actions, waiting to get them just right...

It's something which makes you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?...

Pefectionism means, rather than simply working toward success, you may in fact be trying to be perfect. Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen by many people as desirable or even necessary for success. However, perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.

Causes of Perfectionism

If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.

A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:

* Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
* Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
* Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
* All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight "A" student who receives a "B" might believe, "I am a total failure."
* Overemphasis on "shoulds." Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of "shoulds" that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
* Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle. First, perfectionists set unreachable goals. Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable. Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness. Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, "This time if only I try harder I will succeed." Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.

This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.

Healthy Striving

Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to set goals based on their own wants and interests rather than primarily in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just one step beyond what they have already accomplished. In other words, their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable. Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they experience disapproval or failure, their reactions are generally limited to specific situations rather than generalized to their entire self-worth.