passive aggressive behavior - how to deal with it?

[channingtatum]

The girl I'm dating for about 10 months is really starting to show passive aggressive behavior. I was aware this was her way of dealing with conflict early on, but now that the honeymoon period is over, it's become progressively worse. She also likes to stonewall (go completely silent, sometimes for days) if a conflict arises. She avoids conflict like the plague and is NOT a girl who likes to communicates thoughts/feelings. Frankly, it's ridiculously hard to deal with since it's a 180 from the typical girl. Anyone have success dealing with this type of behavior? Frankly, she's emotionally immature which is surprising, given her age. I am definitely starting to think about ending it, but would at least like to salvage it as she is a cool girl who for the most part, is great to be with.

 

[YawataNoKami]

How to deal with it? Easy, you do not. Too much work , dump her and move on.

 

[Slickster]

Anyone have success dealing with this type of behavior?

Ya I had an ex kind of like that.

It sounds like she's one of the guys so treat her like one. You don't get all touchy feely or emotional when you have a minor conflict with a good buddy. Generally you may have a few words and then say "whatever" and walk away. After some time goes by it blows over and you move on without really talking about it or resolving anything. Men are great!

Sounds like this chick is pretty cool in that regard. Enjoy the lack of drama while it lasts.

In regards to the passive aggressive stuff, it's amazing what happens when you call someone out on it. Just say "Why do you have to be so passive aggressive?" a few times. They figure it out pretty quickly.

 

[channingtatum]

@Slickster - Thanks man. Yea you're right, I have called her out on it and it actually works. Sometimes it's quite obvious she doesn't realize she is being passive aggressive. I don't mind putting a little work into her because overall, she's not a pain in the ass, I think she's becoming more comfortable and doing things she did with other guys. I'll call her out, see if she shapes up and if not, end it.

 

[logicallefty]

Op I don't see a problem with this at all. Shoot I have gone from beta who expressed my feelings to women.. to where I listened to their emo goon babble and genuinely wanted to but chilled out on my own babbling.. to where I pretended to listen to and care... To now where I will plain flat tell a woman to shut it. Don't care don't wanna hear it unless its a significant event of her day that's fine.. But your average everyday emo leakage I don't tolerate it anymore.. My mind is too full of more important stuff in my own life.. No hard drive space for her crap. Sounds like you got my kind of woman there :rockon: as for the silent thing you should be at least matching her so if she don't contact you for 2 days you don't return her contact for at least 2.

 

[sodbuster]

THE 33 Strategies of War by Robert Greene has a whole chapter on it... Depends on what you want. Ignore it, Go aggressive, and a few other ways...

 

[glass half full]

thanks for the info on the book sodbuster. I need that too.

 

[jgvisions]

"....emo goon babble....."This made me laugh. Good stuff.

 

[LiveYourDream]

She is showing you who she is. If you have ANY expectations that she will in ANY way be different long term, you are walking into a path of self delusion disguised as hope and possibility.

I am not saying it is NEVER possible for people to change. I am saying that your motivation for her to change her communication and coping style is not necessarily her motivation to change. Changing who one is, on a core level, takes deep commitment and effort that must be INTERNALLY motivated vs for the sake of simply trying to please or appease another.

If she is in your life casually that's one thing. If you have been with her for ten months exclusively and are looking to invest more time and energy into her exclusively, be clear that she is NOT likely to ever really change her intrinsic behaviors.

 

[BeExcellent]

People relate to one another differently. She is showing you who she is as LYD says. You have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of how she is against your expectations. Nobody is suggesting you settle but nobody is going to relate to you perfectly all the time either. She sounds far less drama ridden than many women honestly. If she "obviously" isn't aware she is doing the passive aggressive thing then call her out and help her see it, which you say she is receptive so that is positive. She sounds like a fairly laid back, "cool" girl by what you describe. Laid back cool girls who are low on the drama scale are rare birds.

Also be sure you examine whether you are projecting the whole "passive/aggressive" label onto her in instances where really she wasn't, but you perceived her to be. Sometimes good people have different relating styles and it takes effort to better understand someone whose style may be intrinsically different than yours.

 

[El Payaso]

It's simple. You don't deal with it.