Over it. How to deal with this?

[JLW]

I'll make this as short as possible.

Basically, I've been dating this girl since December (she's not my girlfriend although she's been a potential prospect). She goes to university with me.

I would say she is the least available girl I have ever met. What I mean by that is, I ALWAYS have to ask her in advance to hang out. I can never just call her up the same night and make plans. She will always be busy otherwise. And to be honest with you, I'm fed up with it. I'm fed up with the fact that she's so elusive and not readily available. It's gotten to the point where I am pretty much done ever trying to deal with her again. If she was really interested then she would go out of her way to make free time for me, which she does not do.

We've hung out probably 6 or 7 times since September. All I really want is to get to know her and hang out with her once a week on the weekends or something. She always wants me to stop by her desk but I decline because she never makes an effort to visit me (I haven't actually told her this is the reason why.)


So this was kind of the last straw for me:

This Saturday, at around 6 PM i basically asked her what she was up to, and that I was going to go shoot some pool and she should come. She wasn't available because she had friends from LA coming into town and she had prior plans unfortunately. She made a counter-offer for Sunday. I basically said, "Well I'm going to be really busy Sunday but I might be able to make some time. We'll see. I'm not sure"

She texts me at 3 AM Saturday night (or Sunday morning, whatever..) saying, "You should make free time for me on Sunday "

So I make free time for her on Sunday. I text her back at noon on Sunday basically saying "Hey, I just got back from surfing and now I'm doing a bunch of homework. I should be done by around 7 PM. But it depends on how fast I work. We could hang out when I finish. Does that work for you?"

She responds: "Perhaps. I have a **** ton of homework and I work best at night but we'll see. If not we should have lunch some time this week."

I didn't respond. I'm PISSED off that I have to do all the work to make plans, and when I do try to make plans, she's so fvcking hard to collaborate with. it's seriously ridiculous!

So how do I handle this situation? To be honest with you, I'm really just done with her. She's too frustrating to try and make plans with.

I already barely talk to her other than to make plans, so don't bother trying to say "she doesn't like you because you're too AFC and clingy." I'm not. I only talk to her to make plans, and I'm banging other girls on the side. But I actually LIKE her as a person. If she continues to be so damn hard to reach, however, then I'm done wasting my time.



My question is: should I tell her that I'm fed up with her not being available and only doing things at her own convenience, in hopes that she'll maybe start making more of an effort? Or should I pretty much ignore her from this point forward?

 

[SandHawk]

If you're oh so fed up with this broad and her unavailability, then why did you bother asking this question? You basically stated over and over that you're done with her bullsh*t, so you already answered your own question. Just move on already.

 

[Igetit!]

I'll make this as short as possible.

Basically, I've been dating this girl since December (she's not my girlfriend although she's been a potential prospect). She goes to university with me.

You say that you've been dating her since December 2009.

Hmm. I wonder how her accessability was back in the beginning when you two first started seeing each other. Has she always been unavailable like this,or did it just start recently as in a few weeks or months ago?


I ask that because if she just recently "became busy",then something is up.



I equate a person who has high or medium to high interest in someone else similiarly to a person who has addiction to some sort of drug.


If a person is hooked on drugs,they WILL seek it out. They'll make time to go find it and/or use the drug.
I've never heard of a person who was addicted to drugs being "too busy" to use,or telling their supplier that they won't be able to meet up with them because they have to work,or have school,or have to get up early in the morning.


If they're addicted,then they WILL seek it out.



That's how attraction is betwwen a man and a woman. If a woman really likes you,if she's really interested in you,she'll MAKE THE TIME to see you.



I once dated this girl who had college classes at 8 in the morning,then had a job to go to in the evening time. You know what she'd do? She'd come by my place at 7:30 IN THE MORNING,we'd hang out,talk,make out for a little while,etc,then she'd be off to class. Then while she was at work,she'd call me on her 30 minute lunch break,then I'd go pick her up and we'd have lunch together (and fool around a little ).


If two people really want to see EACH OTHER,then no kind of "busy schedule" will be able to keep them apart.

If she was really interested then she would go out of her way to make free time for me, which she does not do.

Bingo.


You see what you said here? You said "If she was really interested in me..." There's your problem....low interest.


If she really wants to see you,no hectic schedule will keep you apart,but if she doesn't want to see you,then no amount of free time will put you two together.

We've hung out probably 6 or 7 times since September.

Six times since September. So that adds up to what,three time a month? And since you made this thread,I'm assume that this seeing each other "every now and then" thing wasn't your idea.


You might want to consider moving on. If you're putting 90% of the effort into trying to maintain this "relationship",while she seems to care less if you two see each other or not,it's probaly best just to drop it.



If she can go 2+ months barely seeing you without even batting an eyelash,or trying to initiate the two of you hanging out,then her heart's just not into it.

She always wants me to stop by her desk but I decline because she never makes an effort to visit me (I haven't actually told her this is the reason why.)

And don't tell her either.

You'll unknowingly let her know that you're more into her than she is into you,which may cause her to back off even more.

So this was kind of the last straw for me:

This Saturday, at around 6 PM i basically asked her what she was up to, and that I was going to go shoot some pool and she should come. She wasn't available because she had friends from LA coming into town and she had prior plans unfortunately. She made a counter-offer for Sunday. I basically said, "Well I'm going to be really busy Sunday but I might be able to make some time. We'll see. I'm not sure"

She texts me at 3 AM Saturday night (or Sunday morning, whatever..) saying, "You should make free time for me on Sunday "

So I make free time for her on Sunday. I text her back at noon on Sunday basically saying "Hey, I just got back from surfing and now I'm doing a bunch of homework. I should be done by around 7 PM. But it depends on how fast I work. We could hang out when I finish. Does that work for you?"

She responds: "Perhaps. I have a **** ton of homework and I work best at night but we'll see. If not we should have lunch some time this week."

Ok,my "spider sense" just went off after reading that,so let's see.....


She said "You should make some time for me on Sunday". She told you that you should make some time for her,to which you did. Then when you called her up to make plans,she told you that she had a ton of homework to do and that it's best for her to work on it at night.



.....So she asked you to make TIME for her on Sunday ALREADY KNOWING she wouldn't be able to see you because all the homework she had to do.


I'm sensing an AW here,and that explains a LOT. Aws don't want you,they just want your attention. Her "You should make time for me" line was like some sort of test.




Women are EMOTIONAL. So when you texted her and told her you'd be free at 7,she got her attention/emotional "fix" from you then,so she was good. She didn't have to follow through on actually seeing you,you simply telling her you wanted to see her and making time for her (like she asked you to do) was enough.


I'd SERIOUSLY be surprised if she really had any "homework" to do at all.,and if she did,then her whole "You should make time for me" line WHEN SHE KNEW she had homework to do was nothing but female gameplaying.

So how do I handle this situation? To be honest with you, I'm really just done with her. She's too frustrating to try and make plans with.

Hey,if you're done with her,then be done with her,but DON'T go and try to call her out on that "make time for me" line she suckered you with,lol. You won't accomplish anything,and if you still do have any interest in her,you'll make things worse.

My question is: should I tell her that I'm fed up with her not being available and only doing things at her own convenience, in hopes that she'll maybe start making more of an effort?

NO.

If she really is "busy" with a lot of things to do (which I doubt),you telling her that you're "fed up" isn't going to suddenly make all those things in her life disappear so she'll have more time for you.


So telling her you're upset because she doesn't have more time for you won't solve anything there,and if the problem is low interest (which I believe it to be),your "fed up" speech won't suddenly make her interest level shoot through the roof.


In fact,you telling her you're fed up will only FEED the Attention Wh0re in her because she'll see how upset you are that she doesn't spend more time with you. You'll make it worse.

Or should I pretty much ignore her from this point forward?

What you do from this point on depends on what it is you want. If you're over it,then fine,ignore her. If you still want to "date her",there's some other things you need to do,and ignoring her ISN'T ONE OF THEM.


Once you decide where you want to go with this,we should be able to help give you direction.

 

[joe henny]

You guys sigh* LEAVE THE B*TCH ALONE!!!! SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. SHE NO LIKEEY UUUU YOU LOSER GOT DAM!!!

okay now as I was saying this post is pathetic. She doesn't like you...If you were brad pitt do you think she would ignore you or be too busy? NO your supposed to be spinning more than one plate anyways homie dam man...

 

[Kailex]

Buddy, if you have been seeing her since December 2009 and she still hasn't tried locking you into the invisible contract of exclusivity, then it's time to make sure what YOUR priorities are.

Why are you "making time" for her?
She should be making time for YOU.
Not the other way around...


You plan your days for YOU and if she wants to tag along, so be it.

I think it's time you see other women. I hope she's not the only one in your life, because 11 months and she's acting like the male in this "relationship".
Don't tell her anything, she'll just say: "You're not my boyfriend."

You'll gain nothing.
Either you treat her like a random FB and pull back or you drop her and move on with your life.

But after almost a year and her NOT pushing the issue to get closer, the writing is on the wall, the relationship will never push past farther than what it already is.

 

[JLW]

I have been seeing her since SEPTEMBER 2010. Not December 2009.

I would like to date her.

But obviously, I am NOT going to want to date her the way that things are going now. We've been doing this for 2.5 months (notice it's been since SEPTEMBER 2010, not December 2009).

The "You should make free time for me" line was a super huge red flag and I am really reconsidering it. As you said, it put off the same AW red flag in my head as well.

Another AW red flag is that she wants me to come by her desk, and I tell her "if you really want to see me then just come by mine..." but she doesn't. So she has basically mentioned that she wants me to stop by her desk more regularly probably 3 times now. Each time I have refused basically stating that I go to school to work, not socialize, but she can drop by mine any time, and if I don't have a super tight dead line then I'd probably be able to talk for a few minutes.

To be fair, however, the one or two times she did come by my desk I was very busy with a lot of work to do and kind of didn't have time to talk to her. This wouldn't usually be the case. She just had bad timing.

There are other times when she asks me to hang out, and we actually have a lot of fun. I enjoy her company and things go really well IF I actually have a chance to get a hold of her. She doesn't particularly act like an AW. In fact she's pretty easy going once we are together. It's just that getting a hold of her is a b1tch.

So basically, here's what I want out of this: I would like to do the following:

#1. TRY to date her

#2. Figure out if she truly is an AW (this would happen most likely by continuing to date her and look for the red flags).

I want to do all this while wasting the least time possible. I don't want to go out of my way to hang out with her anymore, obviously. I don't want to spend months figuring out of she's an AW. If there's some test(s) I can do that would prove it, that would be best.

So how would I do it? She's might ask me for lunch later (that was her counter offer to Sunday hanging out...) and I want to know how to handle it if she does. I sure as hell am not going to be setting up lunch with her after trying TWICE to arrange plans. That's for sure.

 

[vatoloco]

I would like to date her.

Of course you do. The question is, does she want to date you?

 

[JLW]

Of course you do. The question is, does she want to date you?

Right now? The signs are pointing to a big fat "NO".

However she has mentioned in passing about how we are "together." It's important to note that she's French though, and French people are MUCH more vague about exclusivity than Americans. When she said "we are together" I basically made it clear that I am not ready to be in a one-on-one committed relationship with her yet, but I would consider it a definite possibility. I just want to get to know her better before I make that jump. I'd need to hang out with her for at least a few more months, on a more consistent basis.

Obviously at the rate I'm going, I don't really want to date her. But I'd like to try to because I think she's cool. It's just that her interest is low. So it isn't going to happen.

 

[vatoloco]

Right now? The signs are pointing to a big fat "NO".

Obviously at the rate I'm going, I don't really want to date her. But I'd like to try to because I think she's cool. It's just that her interest is low. So it isn't going to happen.

Well then, there's your answer right there. With women, look at their actions, not what they tell you.

You dig this chick. However, don't waste time, money and effort on a chick who doesn't dig you back.

Move on.

 

[loveshogun]

So, JLW, when I was in college, I had way too much free time as well.

Solution: Get some non-women hobbies.

The problem isn't that she's unavailable all the time, dude. The problem is that you give a rat's ass what she does and doesn't do.

You can't help it, though. This is because you're so available and so bored so often, that it ruins your day when some girl says she's too busy to hang out.

If you haven't slept with her yet, and even if you have, she should not be a priority in your life until she has demonstrated some amount of value.

In the meantime, you should be adding value to your own life with your own two hands, instead of relying on this girl to fill the boredom gaps.

If you had hobbies and were busier, this would be a non-issue. School takes up 20 hours a week, maybe 30 at most. You've got at least 30 hours a week to fill with tear-assing across campus being awesome.

Learn a craft, pick up languages you don't need to know, write a book, set a personal athletic record, do something. Build a tree house lounge for you and your buds to distill your own moonshine and howl at the stars. Come on, guy, there's a sh*t ton to do out there, you're in goddamn college, and you will NEVER have that amount of freedom and irresponsibility again EVER - that is, unless you get ridiculously rich... but your priorities don't seem quite straight enough for that to be assumed.

So, work on it. This girl is just a dot in the timeline, man.

 

[Iceberg]

Right now? The signs are pointing to a big fat "NO".

However she has mentioned in passing about how we are "together." It's important to note that she's French though, and French people are MUCH more vague about exclusivity than Americans. When she said "we are together" I basically made it clear that I am not ready to be in a one-on-one committed relationship with her yet, but I would consider it a definite possibility. I just want to get to know her better before I make that jump. I'd need to hang out with her for at least a few more months, on a more consistent basis.

Obviously at the rate I'm going, I don't really want to date her. But I'd like to try to because I think she's cool. It's just that her interest is low. So it isn't going to happen.

This may be a stupid question, but knowing this message board, anything is possible....

Are you two having sex yet? Because I've never had trouble getting in touch with a girl I was banging. Even if a girl doesn't see potential in you relationship-wise, everyone's always willing to make time for a quick screw.

I only ask because this chick seems like someone you've gone on a few dates with here and there, but nothing notable happened. A girl could flat out hate your guts, but if there's something sexual happening she'll make some kind of time to be available for you.

 

[JLW]

Yes we're having sex.

 

[JLW]

Learn a craft, pick up languages you don't need to know, write a book, set a personal athletic record, do something. Build a tree house lounge for you and your buds to distill your own moonshine and howl at the stars. Come on, guy, there's a sh*t ton to do out there, you're in goddamn college, and you will NEVER have that amount of freedom and irresponsibility again EVER - that is, unless you get ridiculously rich... but your priorities don't seem quite straight enough for that to be assumed.

You got it all wrong. I go to design school. I am a product designer. Basically, I have ridiculous work loads and deadlines. I have 30 hours of class per week (they're 6 hour studio classes), plus about 20 hours of homework per week. And the homework load goes up steadily as the semester progresses.

I also do freelance work for other companies. I am at the top of my class so I have been recruited to do a bunch of work on behalf of the school. So it's not like I'm not doing anything. I normally wouldn't bring this up and boast about how awesome I am at my major, but you made it seem like I'm doing nothing, which is not the case.

So that's about 50 hours allocated to school per week. In the last 2 weeks of the semester, it's probably more like 80+ hours per week allocated to school. And during finals week, I would say every waking moment is dedicated to school (120+ hours). I play bass guitar when I'm sitting around in my room with no homework to do. And I also surf whenever there are good waves.

This basically leaves me two nights a week (Friday/Saturday) to go out.

 

[Kailex]

Basically, I've been dating this girl since December (she's not my girlfriend although she's been a potential prospect). She goes to university with me.

I have been seeing her since SEPTEMBER 2010. Not December 2009.

I would like to date her.

But obviously, I am NOT going to want to date her the way that things are going now. We've been doing this for 2.5 months (notice it's been since SEPTEMBER 2010, not December 2009).

Hey, I'm going off of what YOU typed.
Notice, YOU typed December 2009. The difference between December and September is huge.

The "You should make free time for me" line was a super huge red flag and I am really reconsidering it. As you said, it put off the same AW red flag in my head as well.

"Red Flag #1"

Another AW red flag is that she wants me to come by her desk, and I tell her "if you really want to see me then just come by mine..." but she doesn't.

"Red Flag #2"

So basically, here's what I want out of this: I would like to do the following:

#1. TRY to date her

#2. Figure out if she truly is an AW (this would happen most likely by continuing to date her and look for the red flags).

So you are noticing red flags even BEFORE you date her, and you still want to date her???

So what in the BLUE HELL is really going on? Is this just a girl you know or is this a girl you've actually gone out with? Because I was under the false impression that you two were dating since December 2009 and now all the numbers AND the situation has changed.

It's not someone you were dating, just someone you knew... it's not December, it's September. That changes everything.

Then you say that you are noticing all these red flags from her but you still want to go out with her?

WHY?

There are other times when she asks me to hang out, and we actually have a lot of fun. I enjoy her company and things go really well IF I actually have a chance to get a hold of her. She doesn't particularly act like an AW. In fact she's pretty easy going once we are together. It's just that getting a hold of her is a b1tch.

I want to do all this while wasting the least time possible. I don't want to go out of my way to hang out with her anymore, obviously. I don't want to spend months figuring out of she's an AW. If there's some test(s) I can do that would prove it, that would be best.

So how would I do it? She's might ask me for lunch later (that was her counter offer to Sunday hanging out...) and I want to know how to handle it if she does. I sure as hell am not going to be setting up lunch with her after trying TWICE to arrange plans. That's for sure.

Want to test her?
You already can.

Does she always make the plans and follows through but never follows through when you make the plans?

If you said YES, then you are very likely her Orbiter #1.
Everything I've read from this scenario (IF YOU TWO AREN'T "DATING") is that you seem to be available for her whenever she wants to do something but she never is available for you when you want her to be.

Trust me, you ARE most likely wasting your time.



EDIT:

Yes we're having sex.

Oh good lord. You need to make up your mind on what you two are actually doing.
So you two are kinda dating/having sex, but always at her whim and never on yours???

It seems like you already know what to expect from her... minimal commitment, some sex, no relationship... so what do you expect to change? I don't see it getting any better if you're the one pushing the issue. Looks like you're just the FB on the side until she finds something stable.

 

[JLW]

Oh good lord. You need to make up your mind on what you two are actually doing.
So you two are kinda dating/having sex, but always at her whim and never on yours???

It seems like you already know what to expect from her... minimal commitment, some sex, no relationship... so what do you expect to change? I don't see it getting any better if you're the one pushing the issue. Looks like you're just the FB on the side until she finds something stable.

WOW! Sorry guys. I did not see that typo. I don't know why I said December.

WE HAVE BEEN DATING SINCE SEPTEMBER 2010, NOT DECEMBER 2009. THIS WAS A TYPO. MY BAD.

We have been on about 6 or 7 dates since September 2010. The first date was in September 2010, this year. We have been dating for a total of 3 months. I had sex with her on the 3rd date. Thats pretty much all the info you need.

On the times that I ask her to hang out and she can't, she always has a counter-offer, which I decline roughly half of the time. (it's happened 4 times. 2 times I flat out said 'no i can't make it at that time' and the other 2 times i agreed to her counter offer)

#1. TRY to date her

I said this earlier in the thread. What I meant by this was that I want to try and hang out with her more often so I can get to know her, and POSSIBLY go into exclusivity with her. This depends on whether SHE wants that, which right now she does not.Whenever we hang out though, we have a lot of fun. She's quick-witted and smart and she is fun to be around. We get along well with each other.

The problem is getting this woman to commit and HANG OUT. Once every two weeks isn't cutting it for me!

Are things more clear now?

 

[JLW]

The more I think about it, the more I think I should just next her. This isn't worth the inner turmoil of trying to figure out how to "build attraction."

 

[Ease]

Buddy this is pretty normal. This is called the chase game. 2.5 months sounds about the right time for this to be happening.

The correct way to deal with this is to do it back to her effectively, gain back control, and it will disappear. Right now you are doing a bad job of it. she gave you sunday at the last minute and you accepted? Amateur mistake...

Cancel a date that you already had with her and watch how she suddenly does a 360 in her attitude. Learn to play the game or get played.

 

[JLW]

Buddy this is pretty normal. This is called the chase game. 2.5 months sounds about the right time for this to be happening.

The correct way to deal with this is to do it back to her effectively, gain back control, and it will disappear. Right now you are doing a bad job of it. she gave you sunday at the last minute and you accepted? Amateur mistake...

Cancel a date that you already had with her and watch how she suddenly does a 360 in her attitude. Learn to play the game or get played.

Nope. This is stupid.

She's been doing this on and off since we started dating. I would say the first two weeks she was showing high interest, contacting me a lot, blah blah blah. And then things fell apart.

As the title implies: I'm over it.

I don't feel like stooping down to her level and playing "games". I don't want to waste time with a girl who can't just agree to a time to meet and then follow through with it. If she can't do this simple act then there is nothing about her that is relationship material.

I mean I guess I could keep banging her, she was a pretty awesome lay. But I don't really see the point in that because I just see myself getting emotionally attached.

I hadn't decided what I wanted to do when i started the thread. But after hearing everyone's input and everything I think it's best for me to just quit while I'm ahead and find some other girls.

 

[Ease]

Then dont cry like a ***** that she doesn't want to see you.

If you dont learn how to handle a girl and lay down the game then how the **** are you going to keep her interested?

It isn't her fault if you act like a loser, dont let these old guys fool you and say she is low quality. A high quality girl has a lot of guys begging for it and needs a strong pimp hand to keep her interested.

 

[JLW]

Then dont cry like a ***** that she doesn't want to see you.

If you dont learn how to handle a girl and lay down the game then how the **** are you going to keep her interested?

It isn't her fault if you act like a loser, dont let these old guys fool you and say she is low quality. A high quality girl has a lot of guys begging for it and needs a strong pimp hand to keep her interested.

The crying like a ***** comments are really unnecessary. I was just asking for advice, dude. I got it from a bunch of people, and it helped me figure out what needed to be done. So why the hostility?