WTF SEAFOOD?????
"Brothers,
Are you the BIG MAN at your place of employment?
Well I, for one, am just that, and I'm wondering who can relate to my unique experience!
The following is a true story.
Two weeks ago, while dining on smoked pacific salmon, my father began another anti-bodybuilding tirade. "You're 34 years old, for God's sake, and what have you been doing since you graduated from university? Transforming yourself into a grotesque monstrosity! Well, it's past time you found a job. Therefore, I have had a word with an acquaintance at the Bank of England, and you start tomorrow!" he roared.
Normally I would have flipped over the table and ran out screaming, but I merely smiled and sat back in my chair. "So be it" I said calmly, then took a fourth helping of salmon.
Oh, I'd go to work, of course. And get myself fired!
Those pencil necks were going to get a full dose of my muscle persona!
The next morning Nobby, the chauffeur, whisked me to the tall glass building I'd be working in. He carried my duffle bag, full of the essentials: that day's meals, tubs of protein powder, and several boxes of protein bars to snack on while I walked about the office.
I was shown my cubicle, and Nobby dumped the duffle bag down then lumbered off, tossing aside a thin little man in a suit who got in his way.
The department chief, Mr. Bagsby, called me into his office. I could barely fit through the door due to my unfeasibly wide shoulders, and I sat down in a chair in front of his desk and put my feet up on it. "Well then, let's get this over with quick, I'm due a protein shake. So what the bloody hell do you want me to do?" I snarled.
Mr. Bagsby was a small, frail little man of about 60, and he nervously sat in his chair, with a very worried look on his face. "I'd like you to work with two others on the foreign exchange operations of the South African central bank....and report back in one week with information on their recent trading in the Zambian dollar" he said softly.
"Sure, Bags old boy- I won't let you down!" I snarled, then got up, grabbed a handful of Cuban cigars from the open box on his desk, shoved them into my breast pocket, and walked out doing 'the walk'- lats spread, shoulders out, arms flexed.
I stopped as soon as I was out the door, narrowed my eyes, and scanned the office floor. A sea of faces were looking up from their desks at me, looks of fear in the eyes of each and every one of the wimps. I lit up a Cuban cigar, and chomping it between my teeth, slowly walked back to my cubicle, lats spread wide.
Next stop- the staff kitchen. I lumbered in, opened the refrigerator, and tipped it over, spilling the contents onto the floor. I then loaded it up with my meals for that day, and when I was done, only half of what was on the floor would fit back in, so I threw the rest out.
I was introduced to the people I'd be working with- a woman and a man, who looked over my massive frame with looks of concern before holding out trembling hands for me to shake. I gave each of them a firm shake, and they felt the crushing power of my grip. "Nice arse on that bird, eh?" I commented to the man as the woman left our presence.
I would soon be fired with this behavior, I thought smugly. Then I could resume my life of sleeping half the day, eating, and training!
I sat in my cubicle, day in and day out, for the next week, reading muscle magazines, eating protein bars, drinking weight-gain shakes, and snacking on chicken breasts. I hadn't lifted a finger in a week. Marvin, a fellow with Down's Syndrome from my gym, was my official 'gofer'- I actually got him hired as a maintenance man, but in reality he spent his time preparing my protein shakes and running out to the stores to buy the latest bodybuilding mags for me.
Just then, one of my co-workers, with whom I was supposed to be making a financial report, appeared at the entrance to my cubicle. I put my 'Flex' issue down, stood up, crossed my arms, and looked down at the little pencil necked geek standing trembling before me.
"SPEAK!!" I boomed, so loud it brought the office to a standstill. "I...er...was wondering...if you could..maybe...do your share like..on the financial report. Nancy and I have been doing the work...you havent helped" he babbled. I seized him like a rag doll, held him over my head, and threw him across the office! "BEGONE, LITTLE MAN!!" I roared, as his flimsy physique crashed into a computer 50 feet away! Then Marvin ran over, screaming, and kicked him in the face.
I headed to the lunchroom, and occupied 2 chairs and the entire end of the table. I spread my lunch out:
1 whole chicken
1 tub of potato salad
1 5-serving shake of 'Mega Mass 4000'
5 bananas
The other co-workers nervously watched me eating like a savage. I caught their glances, and snarled "BULKING UP, BROTHERS!!" at them. A pony-tailed, scrawny little man decided to engage me in conversation. "I am really into bodybuilding myself. Look- see this tofu salad? I'm vegetarian, and you can get ALL the protein you need from.." that was as far as he got before I shoved a chicken leg in his mouth and started screaming! He fell out of his chair and fled. "****ing VEGANS!" I sneered.
Well, brothers, I still hadnt been fired. Whatever could it mean?? I wanted to be fired so that I could go home and return to my life of unemployment, eating, and training, at my family's expense.
The next day, I was arguing with a co-worker about the strength of the plate-glass windows the building had for outer walls, as opposed to brick. I insisted that a human could throw himself into the windows and they would easily hold fast. "I wouldn't bet on it" my co-worker challenged. "Well...let's put a weeks salary on it.." I snarled. "MARVIN! Throw yourself into that window!" I commanded. Marvin charged, screaming, and hurled himself at the window- and went crashing through, then plunged 12 stories towards the pavement below, screaming the whole time! Luckily, he landed on an old lady, who absorbed the impact but wasnt very recognizable afterwards. Marvin was rushed off to intensive care.
A while later, Mr. Bagsby, my division boss, called me into his office.
This is it, I thought, I'm fired!
"I have been told to tell you that head office likes the way you bully and dominate the staff here...you have been promoted to divisional human resource manager" he muttered.
I now have my own office. I removed the furnishings and had gym equipment delivered and installed. In between training in my office, eating, and reading bodybuilding books, I wander around the office in my Gold's Gym tanktop, flexing my pecs and snarling at the staff!"
