Oneitis warps reality and I finally let her go

[DonJuanabe]

So I met with my oneitis recently, going to a work function of mine we had RSVPed for some time ago. It has been a good 6-8 weeks since we stopped going out. This is the girl who, when I first met her, told me that she has loss-related emotional issues and finds it very difficult to be attracted to someone, thus she ends up dating guys she doesn't care about or ever love. On the very rare occasion where she is attracted to someone she -- of no control of her own -- will go into an emotional void feeling isolated and alone, like she is in a prison. At that time I acknowledged what she said but didn't think anything of it - I mean seriously that is really dysfunctional.

As we are leaving the work function she tells me I should consider dating a certain colleague of mine she had met there. I explained that I don't date girls I work with and she didn't have anything in common with me anyway; I only date girls who share common interests with me, which Oneitis does. I then explained to Oneitis that the reason I took her, for our second date, to a game night at my friend's place was because I wanted her to see that I wanted a genuine friendship based on shared interests -- rather than just dating -- with her. She gave me a confused look for a second and said going to that game night for our second date was her idea, not mine. I did a double-take. She meant every word she had just said. I replied how could that have been your idea when you didn't know my friends and never knew of the game night until I suggested that we go to it? Moreover, don't you remember, when we were driving back to your place, you were angry with me and said if I ever did that again I would end up in the friend zone, that a girl does not want to hang out with a guy's friends on a second date? She had a befuddled look on her face for a moment and said, oh, I guess you're right, I remember being angry in the car.

Earlier, Oneitis had said that she had been fooling herself into believing that she was ever attracted to me in the first place and made clear going to this function was not a date. It was just friends. While I didn't argue with her that it was not a date, I thought it interesting that during our third date, which started out really well, very touchy-feely, she suddenly, out of the blue, started becoming distant, like she wasn't all there. When we got back from the restaurant to her place (and she had previously made it a point that she drive to dinner so I would not lose my parking space so I could come in when we got back, hint, hint) and sat on her sofa, I swear she was a different person. She looked tense and scared. I tried to touch her and she shirked away. I tried to kiss her (we had made out passionately a few times prior so this was not a first kiss) and she turned her cheek, hunching forward like she was terrified. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't know, that she didn't know what was happening. I thought WTF is this and took it as a sign she wasn't interested, so I said if that's the case no worries, I'll just go home and I won't call her again, I won't hassle her at all. She almost burst into tears, saying she didn't feel ANYTHING and said she was interested in me, begged me not to leave, and said she wanted me to keep calling her. In other words, what happened was precisely what she told me would happen if she developed feelings for someone -- she'd go into an emotional void.

I stood there after we exited the work function, realizing that I could argue with Oneitis that she really did have feelings for me but had convinced herself otherwise as an emotional defense mechanism and the proof was her reaction on our third date being exactly what she said would happen if she had feelings for someone, not to mention the convolution of reality in thinking our second date had been her idea when it simply was not. But I admitted to myself that doing so would just be another level of complication and emotion, and I thought about something I often say on this forum: a girl cares about how she feels, not what you say. I finally decided to let Oneitis go. No argument, no debate, no I'm right you're wrong. Just an acknowledgement that the best thing for me was to be free of this emotional maelstrom. When I think back to Oneitis hunched forward, about to burst into tears because she had feelings for me and didn't want to lose me, I guess I just can't make any sense of it and I want to hold her and tell her I'll be there for her. Except that half of you guys on this forum will beat my ass for trying to play white knight.

After the work function Oneitis told me she is dating someone and, putting two and two together from prior conversations, I'm pretty sure he is some guy who is into NLP and other psych stuff. Interestingly, she invited me to go with her to meet him and his friend that night. Maybe she didn't really mean it and was just trying to see if she could irritate me, but I said don't you think it'd be weird, she said not weird for her, and I thought to myself this sort of attention whoring seems very disrespectful not just to me, but especially to HIM. Of course I did not go, though I probably should have taken her to task for even thinking of asking me to go, if just out of her lack of respect for someone she is dating. If NLP guy wants to play therapist hey, have a field day, but I want something far simpler and easier. But, admittedly, I do feel for her.

 

[TonyBaloney]

. But I admitted to myself that doing so would just be another level of complication and emotion, and I thought about something I often say on this forum: a girl cares about how she feels, not what you say.



I finally decided to let Oneitis go. No argument, no debate, no I'm right you're wrong. Just an acknowledgement that the best thing for me was to be free of this emotional maelstrom.


When I think back to Oneitis hunched forward, about to burst into tears because she had feelings for me and didn't want to lose me, I guess I just can't make any sense of it and I want to hold her and tell her I'll be there for her. If NLP guy wants to play therapist hey, have a field day, but I want something far simpler and easier. But, admittedly, I do feel for her.

Bud,

I had something similar, BUT went back several times doing the white knight routine.....God i was such a sucker....wish I would have had your profound widom much earlier - sure would have saved me the intense pain that i experienced from that traumatized little girl...........

 

[DonJuanabe]

Tony - what brought me here 12 years ago (for a while until my seven year relationship) was playing white knight and turning into an emotional tampon only to be discarded in the trash after four months.

I thought I played it well with my most recent girl but things still crashed and burned.

What happened with your white knight situation?

 

[DonJuanabe]

By the way, if you have top notch game you will not get involved exclusively with a girl who has serious emotional issues (obviously I do not have top notch game). Spin her perhaps, but she isn't committed relationship material until she deals with her problems. You see, if you get sucked in to her problems, when/if the relationship falls apart, you will have made more of an emotional investment than you otherwise would have, and as AD used to say back in the day: first and foremost you need to protect your heart.

 

[betheman]

So I met with my oneitis recently, going to a work function of mine we had RSVPed for some time ago. It has been a good 6-8 weeks since we stopped going out. This is the girl who, when I first met her, told me that she has loss-related emotional issues and finds it very difficult to be attracted to someone, thus she ends up dating guys she doesn't care about or ever love. On the very rare occasion where she is attracted to someone she -- of no control of her own -- will go into an emotional void feeling isolated and alone, like she is in a prison. At that time I acknowledged what she said but didn't think anything of it - I mean seriously that is really dysfunctional.

As we are leaving the work function she tells me I should consider dating a certain colleague of mine she had met there. I explained that I don't date girls I work with and she didn't have anything in common with me anyway; I only date girls who share common interests with me, which Oneitis does. I then explained to Oneitis that the reason I took her, for our second date, to a game night at my friend's place was because I wanted her to see that I wanted a genuine friendship based on shared interests -- rather than just dating -- with her. She gave me a confused look for a second and said going to that game night for our second date was her idea, not mine. I did a double-take. She meant every word she had just said. I replied how could that have been your idea when you didn't know my friends and never knew of the game night until I suggested that we go to it? Moreover, don't you remember, when we were driving back to your place, you were angry with me and said if I ever did that again I would end up in the friend zone, that a girl does not want to hang out with a guy's friends on a second date? She had a befuddled look on her face for a moment and said, oh, I guess you're right, I remember being angry in the car.

Earlier, Oneitis had said that she had been fooling herself into believing that she was ever attracted to me in the first place and made clear going to this function was not a date. It was just friends. While I didn't argue with her that it was not a date, I thought it interesting that during our third date, which started out really well, very touchy-feely, she suddenly, out of the blue, started becoming distant, like she wasn't all there. When we got back from the restaurant to her place (and she had previously made it a point that she drive to dinner so I would not lose my parking space so I could come in when we got back, hint, hint) and sat on her sofa, I swear she was a different person. She looked tense and scared. I tried to touch her and she shirked away. I tried to kiss her (we had made out passionately a few times prior so this was not a first kiss) and she turned her cheek, hunching forward like she was terrified. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't know, that she didn't know what was happening. I thought WTF is this and took it as a sign she wasn't interested, so I said if that's the case no worries, I'll just go home and I won't call her again, I won't hassle her at all. She almost burst into tears, saying she didn't feel ANYTHING and said she was interested in me, begged me not to leave, and said she wanted me to keep calling her. In other words, what happened was precisely what she told me would happen if she developed feelings for someone -- she'd go into an emotional void.

I stood there after we exited the work function, realizing that I could argue with Oneitis that she really did have feelings for me but had convinced herself otherwise as an emotional defense mechanism and the proof was her reaction on our third date being exactly what she said would happen if she had feelings for someone, not to mention the convolution of reality in thinking our second date had been her idea when it simply was not. But I admitted to myself that doing so would just be another level of complication and emotion, and I thought about something I often say on this forum: a girl cares about how she feels, not what you say. I finally decided to let Oneitis go. No argument, no debate, no I'm right you're wrong. Just an acknowledgement that the best thing for me was to be free of this emotional maelstrom. When I think back to Oneitis hunched forward, about to burst into tears because she had feelings for me and didn't want to lose me, I guess I just can't make any sense of it and I want to hold her and tell her I'll be there for her. Except that half of you guys on this forum will beat my ass for trying to play white knight.

After the work function Oneitis told me she is dating someone and, putting two and two together from prior conversations, I'm pretty sure he is some guy who is into NLP and other psych stuff. Interestingly, she invited me to go with her to meet him and his friend that night. Maybe she didn't really mean it and was just trying to see if she could irritate me, but I said don't you think it'd be weird, she said not weird for her, and I thought to myself this sort of attention whoring seems very disrespectful not just to me, but especially to HIM. Of course I did not go, though I probably should have taken her to task for even thinking of asking me to go, if just out of her lack of respect for someone she is dating. If NLP guy wants to play therapist hey, have a field day, but I want something far simpler and easier. But, admittedly, I do feel for her.

why did you give her soo much of your time and attention? rarely if ever, does anything good come out of these meetings. she is subtley goading you and it worked.

 

[DonJuanabe]

It had been nearly two months since I last saw her and wanted to see if there was any possibility of things turning around. And if there wasn't I wanted to be sure of that too. In the end I got the benefit of realizing that she is so messed up that she subconsciously distorts reality -- not opinions but actual facts -- to fit her emotional needs and defenses. Also, during a conversation we had at the function it was made clear to me that she has an undying need to find emotional dysfunction in other people even if there is nothing there. I've realized that the specifics of what I went through with her might not be repeated per se by her with someone else, but she is always going to fill any relationship she is in with baggage and dysfunction on some level. You can take the psycho girl out of the relationship but you can't take the psycho relationship out of the girl.