Oneitis, a privileged perspective

[CuddleJunkie]

What are the conditions of possibility for Oneitis to appear? In which soil its seeds find the richest nutrients, and in which conditions does this climbing plant grows? I will share with all of you the ongoing oneitis process developing in my psyche, so we all can learn, discuss, and device the best weapons against it.
Please, notice the relationships between the numbers in each subset.
How the women aspect of my life was when I met my oneitis girl:
1. Went through a dryspell of almost 5 months.
2. I was having frequent anti-game, anti-development thoughts. The typical "just be yourself" trap. I thank the gods for I didn't fall during this period, and kept on pushing myself.
3. The first IOIs I started to see came from what I consider low-quality women, the slutty type. I never went for it.
How my oneitis girl is:
1. Shares interests (philosophy, politics, ecology, etc).
2. The most amazing body I've ever fvck.
3. Takes care of me (cooks, gives massages, overall a sweet girl).
How the women aspect of my life is right now:
1. Have at least 2 interested girls going after me.
2. I can easily talk with any kind of girl and elicit some level of interest, even if I'm not conciously trying to do so. I know that game works, I study and practice it. At the same time, I take my development very seriously.
3. I get IOIs from what I consider quality women, the art/literature educated type.
The kind of thoughts that arise on my mind in relationship to my oneitis girl:
1. "I don't know if I will have regular pvssy if this falls apart".
2. "Other girls don't have this soft, sexy body".
3. "Not many girls have this femenine attitude towards the guys they are fvcking, I want to be treated this well".
4. This is a big one guys "She doesn't deserve that I go after these other girls, she's too sweet for me to do that".


Feel free to analyze the points, find relationships between them and offer your advice. My take on this ongoing situation is:
1. I'm afraid of not getting laid regularly for a long time again (dry-spell fear).
2. I consider most girls boring to talk to, not this one.
3. I still have blue-pill gender relationships concepts, such as committment on my part. I understand on a intellectual level that I would do nothing wrong on having multiple plates; not so much on a deep understanding level (aka I would feel bad about it).
4. This is dangerous, if I don't keep on gaming other girls and creating plates out of them, I won't reach the level of game-mastery I want. And I want to reach a really high-level.

 

[fastlife]

1. "I don't know if I will have regular pvssy if this falls apart".

Definition of scarcity--of course you will. You pushed yourself & developed yourself & got a girl; as long as you keep doing those two things you'll continue to get other girls.

2. "Other girls don't have this soft, sexy body".

Some do; some don't. Your preferences change--usually to whatever body-type of your favorite girl you're ****ing. Stick with her monogamously for 3 years and you'll be dying for a spinner or a chick with a different hair color.

3. "Not many girls have this femenine attitude towards the guys they are fvcking, I want to be treated this well".

Keep improving. Most will--some will be b1tchy when you first meet them, but most of them will submit to a dominant male (though some will freak out and run off over time).

4. This is a big one guys "She doesn't deserve that I go after these other girls, she's too sweet for me to do that".

Most likely the only reason she'd care is if you gave her the expectation of monogamy. That's it. Everything else is projection. Just be honest, "Look, you're someone I want in my life. But I'm a guy. I like variety. I'm not where I need to be as a man to be exclusive right now."

1. I'm afraid of not getting laid regularly for a long time again (dry-spell fear).

Dry spells always end. As you get better, they end faster.

2. I consider most girls boring to talk to, not this one.

That's just your feels. I find every girl I'm wildly attracted to super interesting. You're just more inspired around her--so you make the interaction interesting. But I bet if I were to transcribe your convo's, you'd realize she's not that different from the girls that are so boring.

3. I still have blue-pill gender relationships concepts, such as committment on my part. I understand on a intellectual level that I would do nothing wrong on having multiple plates; not so much on a deep understanding level (aka I would feel bad about it).

She wants you at your peak. You benefit her most at your peak. The better you feel about your life, the better she'll feel around you. Commit to yourself and what you want.

4. This is dangerous, if I don't keep on gaming other girls and creating plates out of them, I won't reach the level of game-mastery I want. And I want to reach a really high-level.

Keep pushing. If this girl stays along for the ride, great. If she won't, someone else will catch you on the way up.

Do you have direction in life beyond women? Never ever even entertain exclusivity with women if you don't have a purpose that takes priority over her.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

@fastlife
Your messages are always awesome man. Thanks you a lot.

Some comments.

Some do; some don't. Your preferences change--usually to whatever body-type of your favorite girl you're ****ing. Stick with her monogamously for 3 years and you'll be dying for a spinner or a chick with a different hair color.

This is spot on. I was not that much attracted to her megaboobs when I met her, now I love it. It is really funny how our minds adapt to whichever circumstances we are on. We just look for comfort once and again.

Keep improving. Most will--some will be b1tchy when you first meet them, but most of them will submit to a dominant male (though some will freak out and run off over time).

Maybe you are right, but I read so many nightmare stories in SoSuave and other manosphere forums...But I can see how the stronger your frame is the better she will adapt, aka the more masculine you are, the more femenine she will be.

That's just your feels. I find every girl I'm wildly attracted to super interesting. You're just more inspired around her--so you make the interaction interesting. But I bet if I were to transcribe your convo's, you'd realize she's not that different from the girls that are so boring.

Once again, your insights are powerful. You are probably right about this too, I have to force myself to go for these girls I said, to see if they are as interesting. We always project our own desires, so if I find myself in the same situation, I'll depestalize this other girl a little more.

Do you have direction in life beyond women? Never ever even entertain exclusivity with women if you don't have a purpose that takes priority over her.

My goal is to actualize my full-potential, and some way along the line, to pass this knowledge and change our western society. It's suicidal in a way, but you have to move your life towards something. I've decided to get on my physical peak, to become a master at influencing people, to become a real DonJuan, to get a deep understanding of the vacuity of everything...all of this are long-term goals that will make me a better man, and will give me happiness. I have specific goals along the way to master each one of these sets, and I am being realistic with all of them...

So yes, women are just another part of my life, but one I'm loving right now, because it forces me to actualize so much of my male-potential. I'm sure you know what I mean with all of this...I just want to have an impact in the path that our society is taking, this is why I make these threads, I want to really understand in my own skin what these processes are about.

And about scarcity, while I assume that I have it on my mindset, I think that far more powerful are my own expectations about how a male should commit to the girl he's ****ing. I had a very traditional catholic upbringing, so I still have these ideas ingrained in my mind, even thought I reject them.

Thanks you again, fastlife, I really value all of your contributions to this forum.

 

[RangerMIke]

IMO you are making this way too complicated.

Oneitis occurs when you think about one women TOO MUCH. You create imaginary relationships in your head. She doesn't have to be your 'perfect' girl... she just has to be the only one you think about.

This typically happens when a woman shows you interest and there was SOME possibility that something could have happen, but for whatever reason you failed to take action and your window of opportunity closed, and now you have a pathetic combination of regret and over-thinking.

Only way to avoid this is to date multiple women... never allow yourself focus only on one gal.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

IMO you are making this way too complicated.

Yes, I want to analyze everything to their smallest details, so we can really understand this psychological processes, and find ways to overcome them. I get the usual "don't overthink" answer when a guy asks something, but I'm trying to really get to the roots of everything game/machiavellianism related, so we all learn as much as we can and make a jump from old-time conceptions.

So far I think we've come to this set of conclusions about how Oneitis arise, and how it is further encourage by our own mind-processes. The plain numbers will be the basic conditions, the composite numbers the subconditions of the basic ones, and an ordered pair x-y will mean how x relates to y.
1. Scarcity mentality
1.1 Scarcity mentality can arise due to a dry-spell.
1.2 Scarcity mentality can arise due to a low self-perception of one's value.
2. The woman in question matchs some set of characteristics, both physical and psychological, you like in women
2.1 As fastlife pointed out, the cause-effect link could in fact be reversed: You like the characteristics of the girls you are fvcking currently. Barring, of course, b¡tchy behaviour, obesity, etc.
2-1 This perceived characteristics further increase the woman's value, reinforcing scarcity mentality with thoughts such as "this girls is really a quality girl".
3. Prevalent thoughts that arise in one's mind feedback themselves. As RangerMike says, when you think about one woman too much, because you like her, you start to develop an obsessive dynamic where her person starts to occupy more and more space of your mind ecosystem.
4. Blue-pill ideas about how sex relationships should be (exclusivity, at least inmediate exclusivity; sex means something deep, etc) tend to be exclusivity focused, reinforcing Oneitis.

1 and 2 are the conditions of arising, 3 is one of way of us to nurture Oneitis development, 4 does both.

How can we, then, fight back both the conditions, and our own mechanism of making Oneitis grow? I have various ideas. The numbers match their owns in the earlier set.

1. Abundance mentality.
1.1 Abundance mentality arise due to multiple plates, and a "constant" change of these.
1.2 Abundance mentality doesn't really arise due to your perception of yourself as hight-value, but it can certainly be useful to take action and go for the girls you want, increasing abundance mentality this way. We could say that your own self-steem decides if you are even going to try, and not abundance mentality in its own.
2. All Women Are The Same (AWALT)
2.1 We could, and should, conduct an experiment about fastlife thesis. Being honest to ourselves: the characteristics we perceive in our "high-quality" partners are a product of our actual partners? Have you all noticed a change in your idealized vision of a 10 through your DonJuan career? If yes, did these change was the product of your in-that-moment plates?
2-1 If we understand how all women are the same (and this is a simplification), current plate's value won't be increased.
3. If we are able to control our own thoughts, we can control our mind's ecosystem. Theravada Buddhism meditation system claims to be able to teach this. This could be a path well worth exploring.
4. Gaining a real, deep understanding about human alpha male commitment to one partner (monogamy) should stop the feelings of guilt.

Feel free to discuss, add more points, etc.

 

[wifehunter]

Only way to avoid this is to date multiple women... never allow yourself focus only on one gal.

This works good in theory... but when the other ladies pale in comparison to your oneitis, you're back to square one.

 

[Asmodeus]

Oneitis is seen exclusively in a person with low self esteem who is willing to sacrifice in excess to keep the relationship going even if it has pathologic aspects. It arises in the honeymoon period early in a relationship when the passions are highest. It is infatuation that turns into obsession.
All the things you mentioned including "worried about a dry spell" ect are all due to low self esteem and one who does not value themselves highly as a person who has more self-esteem would think he still could. Also, a man who lacks meaning in life is one who is prone to oneitis. You are going to like this one as it ties in with existentialism... Let me explain, a man who lacks meaning looks for meaning in the relationship he is in. A man who has meaning and a sense of purpose in life has important things to do, other things beside the relationship that excite and make him happy. How is it said... "Do not wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden". Basically people should stop looking for fulfillment in other people, and first make sure that they are fulfilled.
Also, the infatuation that comes in the honeymoon stages of the relationship send out a surge of brain chemicals, a biochemical reaction... And some people become addicted to this. They feel that they need to other person to keep themselves happy, thus the obsession... One must always stay guarded, grounded, and not let their emotions take control.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Let me explain, a man who lacks meaning looks for meaning in the relationship he is in.

Amazing Asmodeus, I have to think about it. This might be one of my problems. Even though I create my own goals and values, I have an understanding that they are ultimately vacue, they have no more existence than that I give to them. Also, one my of life goals is to gain a deep understanding of the vacuity of the world, and this is counter-productive for someone that wants to actualize its male potential... This is why Nietzsche says once and again that truth is not always good for the aristocrat, because he needs simplifications and beliefs to impose on the rest of humans...So maybe I'm walking two opposite paths at the same time...trying to become an aristocrat of the spirit and gaining an honest understanding of a meaningless world...Anyhow I will not submit, I will keep on trying to reconcialiate these two views. This was a great insight Asmodeus, I have to ponder it.

All the things you mentioned including "worried about a dry spell" ect are all due to low self esteem

As I said, I think that your self-steem is linked to your risk-taking, and not directly to scarcity mentality. Sure, it is a cause of it, but not a direct one. By taking the risk of gaming women, you get multiple plates, creating abundance mentality this way.

Also, the infatuation that comes in the honeymoon stages of the relationship send out a surge of brain chemicals, a biochemical reaction... And some people become addicted to this

And this might spot on too, I would bet it is one of the main reasons these thoughts are arising...biology is trying to make a fool out of me. This is the first time I'm on the "honey-moon" phase for 6 years, and even though I have experience it before, it's too far away from my memory to recognize it as such. This realization will surely make me stronger.


Thanks a ton Asmodeus, really helpful post. If we keep on getting more ideas, I will remake the "conditions of arising" list. So far we have 2 more points into the list.

 

[wifehunter]

Oneitis is seen exclusively in a person with low self esteem who is willing to sacrifice in excess to keep the relationship going even if it has pathologic aspects. It arises in the honeymoon period early in a relationship when the passions are highest. It is infatuation that turns into obsession.
All the things you mentioned including "worried about a dry spell" ect are all due to low self esteem and one who does not value themselves highly as a person who has more self-esteem would think he still could. Also, a man who lacks meaning in life is one who is prone to oneitis. You are going to like this one as it ties in with existentialism... Let me explain, a man who lacks meaning looks for meaning in the relationship he is in. A man who has meaning and a sense of purpose in life has important things to do, other things beside the relationship that excite and make him happy. How is it said... "Do not wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden". Basically people should stop looking for fulfillment in other people, and first make sure that they are fulfilled.
Also, the infatuation that comes in the honeymoon stages of the relationship send out a surge of brain chemicals, a biochemical reaction... And some people become addicted to this. They feel that they need to other person to keep themselves happy, thus the obsession... One must always stay guarded, grounded, and not let their emotions take control.

Brilliant! One thing I've learned, is to not see the lady too much, as their presence only reinforces oneitus symptoms. Space will help you to think about other things, all the while, your target could be thinking about you and possibly missing you! If you've played your cards right, that is.

 

[fastlife]

Some awesome dialogue ITT. But I'll throw in a couple more points.

Oneitis, in and of itself, isn't bad. I think in the manosphere, everybody takes it as a badge of honor that they don't ever catch feelings or worry that if they do, they're suddenly beta and have to cut her off. But 'being in love' is one of life's most transcendental pleasures--and like most of life's pleasures, whether it becomes a net positive or a net negative is a matter of moderation. It's like good wine--you can enjoy the buzz and get on with your life or you can overdo it, lose control, crash your car, get hungover, become addicted, etc.

So many of the guys in the manosphere are guys who got sloshed, lost control, and wasted years of their lives in a drunken stupor. But if you're fvcking high end women--which are rare--you will catch feelings. For me, anyway, I'd rather fvck one 9 than ten 6s. That's just how the dopamine circuits in my brain are wired (you can Google thrill-of-the-hunt vs. pleasure-of-sex guys). If a girl's a 9, treats me well, and her car fax checks out, then I will catch some degree of oneitis. Doesn't matter how many plates I'm spinning.

So maybe it's useful to throw down some practical advice for enjoying the buzz responsibly without losing your sense of purpose or subjecting yourself to future misery.

• Manage your dopamine inputs always--The pain of any breakup is pretty much dopamine withdrawal. To the extent that a girl takes over the monopoly on your attention and offers the monopoly of your psychological rewards (and all girls will try to do so), you become dependent on her for your dopamine fix. Here's an easy solution: Don't stop hanging with your friends, don't stop working out, don't stop enjoying your hobbies, don't stop enjoying the company of other women (even if you don't want to sleep with them), don't stop pursuing your purpose (even though she'll try to get you to come to bed & cuddle).
• You set the rhythm of the interaction--Dopamine addictions are tied to a routine; don't fall into one. For example, if you text her constantly and she always texts you back immediately your brain will take security in that pattern (routine means you're not gonna suddenly get killed by a wild animal)--so when she breaks that pattern, you'll become insecure and needy and uncomfortable. Don't fall into a routine, don't ever get comfortable; stop yourself from texting her first, stop yourself from spending the night if you've spend 2 nights over, etc. Smash any routines before they develop.
• Take time apart to take honest self-inventory--This is crucial. You have to detach from her from time to time to really be honest with yourself. How does she stack up rationally to your life goals? Does she fit? For how long? Do you embellish her with good qualities because you like her, or do you like her because she possess good qualities?
• Know she is replaceable--I personally don't subscribe to the idea that any girl is interchangeable. It's overly simplistic--every girl is an individual and while there's an infinite number of combinations of physical and personality traits, you'll never find quite that combination ever again. But it's not the only desirable combination. You will eventually meet a girl you like better; it might not be an everyday occurrence, but even fine china is replaceable.
• Your time and your mind are the most valuable things you have--Don't waste either of those resources on her when she's not right in front of you (this is probably more applicable for dudes who have oneitis for girls before they've slept with her or after they've already broken up).

Appreciate what you have while you have it; accept that nothing is permanent. You'll be growing (hopefully), she will change (inevitably), circumstances will change--she may or may not be a good fit in future moments. So enjoy the way you feel for her now but don't lose focus of your investment in yourself.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Don't fall into a routine

Man, you nailed it. I initiate on a 6/1 basis, just so she keeps doing it, because I love it. I love the ego rush it produces on me. When I had a gf we would constantly call each other when we were apart, and spend all day together when not. So the fact that a girl texts me just to know how I'm doing makes me remember the old kind of feelings I had. Thanks man, now that I've encountered one of the causes I'm stronger.

I think in the manosphere, everybody takes it as a badge of honor that they don't ever catch feelings or worry that if they do

Indeed, this is a problem a good friend of mine pointed out in one of our talks about men and women. Today I was reading "Antifragile", and thought about it. Isn't love one of the biggest disorders than a man can suffer? Also, love will inevitably bring loss of it, causing a much higher disorder. So I thought, "it would be extremely powerful to be able to ACCEPT this disorder in our past order, and to use it to GROW by integrating it in ourselves, being concious of the pain it will bring, and INTEGATRING this painful experience of loss...it would make you even more powerful". Because being afraid of love is a weakness.

 

[fastlife]

Indeed, this is a problem a good friend of mine pointed out in one of our talks about men and women. Today I was reading "Antifragile", and thought about it. Isn't love one of the biggest disorders than a man can suffer? Also, love will inevitably bring loss of it, causing a much higher disorder. So I thought, "it would be extremely powerful to be able to ACCEPT this disorder in our past order, and to use it to GROW by integrating it in ourselves, being concious of the pain it will bring, and INTEGATRING this painful experience of loss...it would make you even more powerful". Because being afraid of love is a weakness.

Exactly. I've done a lot of reverse engineering of myself and understanding why I reacted to certain stimuli in certain ways. I was always massively stoic, pretty damn avoidant, and highly egotistical--basically followed the manosphere template for how a male should be. But I wasn't happy and I wasn't healthy and I was following a pattern that went something like this:

• Suppress all emotions--emotions are weakness. People will use my emotions against me, have to be invulnerable.
• Next girls at the first sign of 'disrespect.' Ha, that'll show them to disrespect me, text me back three hours later. If she won't chase, she must not recognize how awesome I am.
• Run at the first sign of emotional availability on a girl's part. I'd always rationalize that I 'lost interest,' but really I was just avoiding an uncomfortable situation. She had a position of strength that I didn't.
• Start feeling really lonely and misunderstood. Find a lonely, misunderstood girl who would chase my validation, open up to her, value her more since she was one of less than a handful I'd ever opened up to; she, being emotionally unavailable & unable to live up to my expectations, would eventually turn my openness against me.
• Never gonna open up to a girl ever again. Cycle repeats.

I went through that dance with a whole variety of Cluster B's, which I used to reaffirm some belief that All women are evil, which allowed me to reinforce my emotional suppression.

But the only reason I was exposed was because I felt exposed. Because I didn't accept my emotions as a valid part of who I am. Nowadays, I make an effort to just accept the situation, express myself, and accept the outcome. If I don't like the outcome I might try again later or just pursue other options--but resentment, regret, blame, etc. are really just the result of faulty expectations, which were mine to adjust. The highs & lows are interconnected and relative to each other--I just ride it out and enjoy both of them equally.

 

[Desdinova]

1. I'm afraid of not getting laid regularly for a long time again (dry-spell fear).

Once you've fvcked enough women that you've lost track, this fear goes away. However, it's replaced by the fear that you won't be able to top her.

2. I consider most girls boring to talk to, not this one.

I don't talk to girls, I have fun with them and they reciprocate. Therefore, most girls are fun to be with. Talking is for friends.

3. I still have blue-pill gender relationships concepts, such as committment on my part.

This isn't a bad trait to have. Just make sure you enforce it upon yourself with a woman who's earned it.

4. This is dangerous, if I don't keep on gaming other girls and creating plates out of them, I won't reach the level of game-mastery I want. And I want to reach a really high-level.

Only you can measure your success with women. I realized how good I was when I started dating multiple women and found myself with multiple options. However, you're going to continue to have dry spells. It happens. I find my driest spells happen after a LTR is done and I'm still recovering from it. I can't get a date to save my life. Only when I'm back to being content with myself is when the women start falling into my lap again. Women can really pick up on your vibe no matter how good you are at game. If you have a 5hitty vibe and aura, women will avoid you like the plague.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Once you've fvcked enough women that you've lost track, this fear goes away. However, it's replaced by the fear that you won't be able to top her.

So we could say that it becomes a high-quality scarcity mindset when you are a successful DonJuan.

This isn't a bad trait to have. Just make sure you enforce it upon yourself with a woman who's earned it.

Of course, commitment is not bad per se, but commitment to only one woman is what goes against male sexuality. I could consider various LTR without problem, but monogamy (on my part) goes against my set of principles. This will be, maybe, one of the hardest thing to implement in my life, due to its novelty in our society; but guys like YaReally are exploring this path right now with medium success. I'm excited about it.

I find my driest spells happen after a LTR is done and I'm still recovering from it. I can't get a date to save my life. Only when I'm back to being content with myself is when the women start falling into my lap again. Women can really pick up on your vibe no matter how good you are at game.

This is one of the biggest truths I have come to appreciate. I could literally feel more attention from women after I got out of my dry-spell, not just girls I was talking with, but eye-contact in the street and all that stuff. Maybe this all has to do with subcommunication; you can have a natural alpha posture, and get some attention, but if you get the subs right, it will skyrocket. Also, in my gaming interactions I noticed I was bolder but calmer. Thanks for all of these insights Desdinova, it's really good to have the perspective of a successful DonJuan.


I'm learning a lot with all of your input guys, I will wait for more input in case some people didn't see the therad; and this weekend I will relaborate the points of Oneitis' conditions of arising; so we have a structured understanding of it.
And I will channel @Reykhel , your adivce is always gold man, I'm sure you have something to add.