On Porn, masturbation, and self control

[S.U.R.F.]

Hey guys, have been thinking about this for a while. Thought I shared my thoughts.

I have been watching porn and masturbating to porn since I was 9 or something. I'm sure that many people here have too. Often I've tried to quit the habit. I would say, oh I'm not masturbating for say....2 weeks. (By masturbating I really mean ejaculating. Pulling on your **** a few times isn't going to change anything.)

So when I would eventually watch a lil porn for fun. It would start out as "ok, I'm not masturbating", but it ends with "OMFG, this chick is so ****ing hot, I CAN'T ****ING CONTROL MYSELF." I'm sure people have had experiences like such.

Afterwards, I would feel sad and kind of depressed, because I had 1) broken my pact with myself. 2) Ejaculation in general is kind of depressing. After, I'm sure you guys have felt decrease in motivation etc.

What exactly happened when you broke your pact with yourself?

You lost control.

It's very simple. You had a goal (not masturbating) then you broke it. Your thoughts on how much you want to boink the girl in the pic/vid made you lose control. This is just a minor thing, but it leads into bigger things.

For example, you see this really hot girl. You lose yourself in lust. You get this feeling in your chest that tells you you want to **** her so badly. You say "OH man, how do I get such a smokin' lady?" You forget how to act...

Go on Sosuave, "how do I respond to a girl saying hi". Do you see what I mean? What happened to your integrity, what happened to WHO you are? How YOU act? It went the same way like your goal of not masturbating.

Now this is acceptable when you were "AFC", back in the day. But being on this forum, you know realize there is something called "Don Juan". There is another path.

Yes she is a hot ****ing girl. Yes shes beautiful. Yes this pornstar is great. But still, you can't let lust overwhelm you.

Power brings responsibility, but responsibility (to yourself) also leads to power. Being responsible for yourself means NOT losing control; and keeping the power to YOURSELF; and not being manipulated by desire. (SS preaches about being IN CONTROL, not letting women control you, etc, lol it all leads together).

It's easy to lose control; its a follower's trait. No control, no thinking, its very mindless and easy. Sure, you don't have to worry and think, but its a miserable place. It's hard to be a leader (of yourself). But being a follower...is that even an option?

The desire for women have you shackled up...

It leads back to the idea of the porn session. Sure, you got this habit from when you were young, or at least I did. But its time to fix it. Your a Don Juan now. I can't tell you exactly how to stop letting lust take over. You must find your own way. This is just a "point in the right direction".

Be responsible to yourself. Your personality, your integrity and your convictions come before sexual pleasure. A lil porn here and there isn't bad. But when you can't stop yourself from masturbating, its going to reflect on your interactions with females. That leads into a vicious cycle that will affect your life and happiness.

Like drug addicts, it's easy to just follow the path to more drugs. Rehab is ****ing tough. But truly, aren't we really looking for "freedom" and "happiness"?

You will never find those two if you lose yourself in lust.

Good luck Don Juans!

p.s. i hope people understand this and im not like rambling.

 

[jtlancer]

My 2 cents.

I'm not going to do anything to dumb down or numb my
sex drive. I like lusting. It's good. Porn raises testosterone levels.
We are currently swimming in a SEA of ESTROGEN and it's f'ing
time it stopped. This is everything from the garbage food most
people eat to the horrible societal/media programming that encourages
men to be less than they should be. Be sexual. It will take you places.
Don't apologize for one of nature's strongest drives.


"Ejaculation in general is kind of depressing. After, I'm sure you guys have felt decrease in motivation etc."
No. Post orgasmic depression is not normal.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Being sexual and watching porn are two completely different things. One is a passive activity, the other is an active activity that yields results.

Abstinence is a worthwhile goal. Firstly you're exercising self control over one of your most basic and primal impulses. Secondly you're bottling up that sexual energy which helps you in other areas of your life, provided you have something useful to do.

Win, win.

If you want to look at naked, or mostly naked chicks then go to the beach and play volleyball with some cute girls. There's a good chance you might even get laid. Porn won't do that. But whatever works for you.

 

[The Experience]

Lust and being horny are two different things.

 

[limerickdesign]

My 2 cents.

I'm not going to do anything to dumb down or numb my
sex drive. I like lusting. It's good. Porn raises testosterone levels.
We are currently swimming in a SEA of ESTROGEN and it's f'ing
time it stopped. This is everything from the garbage food most
people eat to the horrible societal/media programming that encourages
men to be less than they should be. Be sexual. It will take you places.
Don't apologize for one of nature's strongest drives.


"Ejaculation in general is kind of depressing. After, I'm sure you guys have felt decrease in motivation etc."
No. Post orgasmic depression is not normal.

I agree with most of your points. You dont raise testosterone and lower estrogen by watching porn.
Bad (artificial sources) and excess estrogen get stuck in the body and must be cleansed out.
I disagree with watching porn to raise testosterone (not even sure it does) You will end up wacking it and then lowering testosterone (studies to back it)

Depression is a VERY serious issue among men.
Sosuave seems to have an abundance of men who are prone to depression.
I do think there is a link between high estrogens in the body and not enough tesosterone pumping through.
Hormones in the body either become estrogen or convert to testosterone.
There are herbs that will block estrogen and/or convert estrogen to testosterone. The way it was meant to be.

 

[TheMale]

My 2 cents.

I'm not going to do anything to dumb down or numb my
sex drive. I like lusting. It's good. Porn raises testosterone levels.
We are currently swimming in a SEA of ESTROGEN and it's f'ing
time it stopped. This is everything from the garbage food most
people eat to the horrible societal/media programming that encourages
men to be less than they should be. Be sexual. It will take you places.
Don't apologize for one of nature's strongest drives.


"Ejaculation in general is kind of depressing. After, I'm sure you guys have felt decrease in motivation etc."
No. Post orgasmic depression is not normal.

sex gives you a high level of testosteron, porn isnt.

about the article, makes think about something: 'I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.' [Antoine de Saint Exupery]

 

[020204]

Don't know what happened to my last post. Have gone a good month, only porn I'm watching is kind of cp discipline stuff. Never been one for porn, this the only stuff I prefer. I do feel greater clarity when not jacking off. My workouts are better.

 

[dutchmaster]

Haven't watched porn in probably 2 year because it just got old/boring to me. Then after finally getting laid I realized porn is absolutely nothing like actual sex which completely ruined it for me, or I guess saved me. I've been trying not to j/o either and notice it really helps me when talking to girls and increases my sex drive.

I don't think j/o is as bad as you make it out to be, in fact I see nothing wrong with it if you can control it. But each to his own.

The bangbus is still funny as hell to watch though. Not to actually j/o but it's a good laugh whenever they pick up some loser guy or trashy girl they always give them so much **** lol. ( Yes I kno it's fake. Still funny)

 

[jglide123]

I agree with Alle Gory. Abstinence can help build self-discipline, and you can sublimate your sexual urges to do more productive things in life. Too often men are lead by their hormones. However, there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It's a natural act. But if it's interfering with your productivity in life, then you should definitely get control over it.

 

[Huffman]

Have you ever had a moment where you're just feeling really low and burnt out? Maybe after a hard day at work. And where you're not motivated to go out. Then you go jack off because it just makes you feel good. At times like this it's really the hardest. When you're in a slump so deep that you just can't get your sh!t together. And only after a little fix of magical feel-good rubbing, you can get up again and fix your life.

Anyone feel like that sometimes? I've definitely had days where I thought it really helped me.

 

[Rave18]

Hi,
I've personally struggled with online chatting and masturbation [overindulgence]. When i was searching for how others deal with the issue, I realised one thing (personally). Those who masturbate purely as a need don't feel guilty about it i.e. I am hungry and so I eat, but I used chatting and masturbation as coping mechanisms or ways to deal with personal problems and so felt/feel guilty about it. It might help those who struggle with masturbation if they search for the underlying reason(s).
Just my two cents.

 

[Epimanes]

A few years ago I struggled with this issue. However my reasons for use was due to unmet sexual needs. ... i feel that my use of it was directly related to the condition of my marriage. WHich (at the time) was absolutley horrible .. and the less my sexual needs were met ... and the more i fought with my wife and the higher the stress levels were .. the more i turned to porn for gratification to relief my stress. Afterwards i would feel absolutly horrible for doing it and the result was even more frusteration. Its a HORRIBLE and VICIOUS cycle.

It was much like the "high" people talk about when someone has an affair. The visual stimulation feels great... in the moment while your high on it .. but when your done with it the after effects leave you feeling depressed and even more empty than before. My excuse was the porn would tide me over til my wife desired me because of the rejection or her lack or participation but in the end I felt degraded, and disgusting..

I felt depressed from the lack of connection I wanted with my wife.

I felt like I had betrayed my wife.

I felt lonely and sad, because it was an experience I was not having with my wife that I SOO badly wanted.

I felt embarassed and guilty about my sexual needs like there was something wrong with me.

I felt weak for not having any will power to be able to control my urges or express them to my wife without fear of rejection.

Then I would tell my self after wards each time "This was the LAST time" But for some reason it never was and i hated myself for that. But would often find myself, especially after a week or 2 of tough times with my wife and no need meeting or not of the quality i desired, back at it again and then all those feelings above along with the feeling of worthlessness would kick in. BUT it always felt justified and normal at first! IT was always after the fact that the other feelings kicked in. NEVER During or before... only after.

This would set my mood off and I would be insensitive towards my wife and kids that day if i used porn. I would be feeling resentment towards my wife, because I blamed her for my porn use due to unmet needs. I would be filled with shame because I was not able to stop and because I knew it was wrong but I would always justifiy it because my wife would tell me over and over to stop pressuring her and to let things happen naturally on their own (but my emotional needs would scream at me every few days, where my wife could happily wait weeks).

This cycle of disconnect created a sexual aversion in my wife for the longest time that fueled the porn to continue. However .. I knew that if I could curb my thoughts and desires long enough and get my wife on board with Marriage builders and learn to BE A MAN (credit to pook here) .. that we could turn it all around. And we are 100x better now than when I was engulfed in this disgusting behavior.

Sex is a need for men to feel bonded to their wives or LTR's. Ususlly a mans #1 need.

Someone asked me once ... "When a man doesn't connect to his wife or LTR how does he feel?"

I feel insecure .. I feel lonely .. I feel like a pay cheque. I feel unimportant to my wife. I feel unloved.

I got asked ... "Do men just compartmentalize it or does it cause him to internally turn to stone?"

For me, it gets compartmentalized at first .. it gets put into a "its no big deal box" but when the other factors come into play the "no big deal box" gets overfilled and the porn spills out of the box first before everything else does that ends up in there. I would only turn to stone internally when I didnt feel safe to talk about it .. or had a solution that i felt would be win win so it would get stuffed back into the "no big deal box" as often as I could .. but it would always pop back out again as if it was saying .. "HEY YOU BETTER DEAL WITH ME OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE!" and there always was .. one way or another.

Hopefully this sheds some light on it ... for some of you.

Then someone said to me when I told them what I wrote above..

Porn isn't what get's compartmentalized.

Sorry, no. That's the part that's still alive.


What gets compartmentalized is that desire for a wife that isn't a cold, disconnected, dismissive, Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements machine for whom nothing is ever enough.

That gets compartmentalized so that we can smile and move through the day.

Use of porn lets THAT out of the box.

Here is a few articles that helped me. There is alot of good info in these.

addiction to porn letter #1 - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html

Addiction to porn letter #2 - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050b_qa.html


Effects of porn - http://www.netplaces.com/addiction-...e-effects-of-pornography-on-relationships.htm

Side effects of porn - http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/126


All in all .. just steer clear of it. It gives you false expectations of women. Ruins your sex drive.. and if your in a committed relationship can really put a damper on things.

 

[AlexLefty]

I feel like masturbating so much has caused me to loose a lot of sensitivity in my penis, so sex isn't as pleasurable as it should be. I almost always have to finish myself. Any tips?

 

[speed dawg]

I try not to watch porn regularly. I do beat off once or so per week, so I don't get off too fast when I'm pounding pvssy. Not that I really care if I get off too quickly, but I enjoy the act too much and when I'm filled to the brim I'm usually a 2 pump chump. It's a balance though, too much spanking it and you lose desire. I've found that eating almonds is my golden ticket.

 

[Rave18]

The concept of abstaining from masturbation/sexual activity for a minimum number of days seems a bit interesting

Sexual Transmutation

is all about channeling the raw energy of an individuals sex drive into other, possibly much more fulfilling, endeavors.

"The desire for sexual expression is by far the strongest and most impelling of all the human emotions, and for this very reason this desire, when harnessed and transmuted into action, other than that of physical expression, may raise one to great accomplishment." -Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill

I am giving it a try.

I was reading one guys journal, he has a cycle of 7 days without ejaculation, while focusing all the sex energy into accomplishing his goals. Day 8 is what he calls his rest day, ejaculation.

It has been said to take your age, divide by 5, and that is how many days you should go without ejaculating each cycle.
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A basic notion is that for men orgasm and ejaculation are two different things, usually they happen at the same time, but you can learn to have the pleasure (the orgasm) with or without the ejaculation.

I think the idea is that there is a lot of energy in our gametes - our sex cells - for men the sperm and for women the egg (ovum). That energy is what potentially creates a child - each of the parents donating part. When a man ejaculates, he loses that energy, so if he isn't trying to have a baby there are techniques for keeping and transforming that energy. The same is true for a woman's menstruation - so there are techniques for women to control their menstrual cycles when they aren't trying to have a child.

None of the techniques are against pleasure, my experience is that they allow you to have more pleasure - both in terms of how intensely pleasurable it can be at any given moment, and in terms of how often you can have that pleasure.

These particular traditions of esoteric taoism are a highly structured spiritual path. Since most of the techniques are internal, it usually looks like "doing nothing."

The techniques require practice and skill - not that different from playing tennis - you can have fun at any skill level, and there are a lot of things you can add to your game, like being able to return any shot so exactly to your friend so they don't have to take a single step to play.
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I read a decent bit from different sources, it has sparked my interest, so I am going to give it a try. The above cycle that the guy was using and the above explanation a man was giving is based on Taoist beliefs.

Source: http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=418974

 

[Rave18]

So it is not right to say “sublimation of sex energy.” If the outlet of sex is not used, the energy becomes pure again. Energy is always pure. When it is manifested through the divine door it becomes spiritual, but the form is just a manifestation of the energy.

The word sublimation has very bad associations. All theories of sublimation are theories of suppression. Whenever you say “sublimation of sex,” you have become antagonistic to it. Your condemnation is there in the very word.

You ask what one can do about sex. Anything done directly to sex is a suppression. There are only indirect methods in which you do not concern yourself with sexual energy at all but, rather, seek to open the door to the divine. When the gate to the divine is open, all the energies that are within you begin to flow toward that door. Sex is absorbed. Whenever a higher bliss is possible, the lower forms of bliss become irrelevant. You are not to suppress them or fight against them. They just wither away. Sex is not sublimated; it is transcended.

Anything done negatively with sex will not transform the energy. On the contrary, it will create a conflict within you that will be destructive. When you fight with an energy, you are fighting with yourself. No one can win the fight. One moment you will feel that you have won, and the next moment you will feel that sex has won. This will go on continuously. Sometimes there will be no sex and you will feel that you have controlled it, and the next moment you will feel the pull of sex again and everything you seem to have gained will be lost. No one can win a fight against his own energy.

If your energies are needed somewhere else, somewhere more blissful, sex will disappear. It is not that the energy is sublimated; it is not that you have done something to it. Rather, a new way toward greater bliss has opened for you and automatically, spontaneously, the energy begins to flow toward the new door.

If you are holding stones and suddenly diamonds come your way, you will not even notice that you drop the stones. They will drop by themselves, as if you never had them. You won’t even remember your renunciation of them, that you have thrown them away. You won’t even realize it. It is not that something has been sublimated. A greater source of happiness has been opened, and the lesser sources have dropped away by themselves.

This is so automatic, so spontaneous, that no positive action against sex is needed. Whenever you are doing anything against any energy it is negative. The real, positive action is not even connected with sex but is concerned with meditation. You will not even know that sex has gone. It has simply been absorbed by the new.

Sublimation is an ugly word. It carries a tone of antagonism, of conflict, in it. Sex should be taken for what it is. It is just the biological foundation for life to exist. Do not give it any spiritual or anti-spiritual meaning. Simply understand the fact of it.

From Osho, The Psychology of the Esoteric, Chapter 3
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Masturbated daily for years. It is only now, when I've gotten into Yoga and Meditation do I realize the harmful effects of daily masturbation.